Wednesday, September 9th, 2009
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2:39 am - looking at the ants
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it's frustrating looking for yourself and constantly being redirected to where you came from
look inside, look inside, look inside
when everything inside is telling me to run as fast as i can with my wet eyes closed and my weak arms up and my itchy lonely hands grasping at the air waiting for something anything to catch me
i looked inside, inside told me to stop staring
i'm getting those impulsive urges that disturbed everyone except anyone with impulsive urges
i never considered myself someone who needed instant gratification
sure i've slept with people, smoked things i shouldn't have and eaten too much chocolate as a child but it was always deliberate and regret did not always ensue
how do you explain being deliberately impulsive?
i am the devil. hello :)
that's enough for some people, and it's beautiful being able to explain myself in any way
but explaining with half truths i do regret
i didn't think it was possible but i feel worse about myself than when i was suicidal. at the very least when i was suicidal i cared enough to end. i've turned into l'etranger.
and the only thing i feel and the only thing i think is how irritating to become HIM of all people
otherwise throw me into a blender or into a pile of fudge
current mood:  restless
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Sunday, April 13th, 2008
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1:17 am - i'm different, just like that
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I just made two female friends-- and without a best friend buffer-- and I'm happy about it
I don't even know who I am anymore
There's this beautiful, beautiful man I've been admiring from afar-- and I told him what I thought and walked away. And I'm actually okay with never seeing him again.
Maybe things are finally clicking.
About time :)
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Friday, February 29th, 2008
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9:05 pm
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i don't understand why it's so hard to just say it.
just say what you're really thinking and really feeling.
i suppose i understand the first time-- i understand the fear of the unknown.
but if you've spoken truth once, how dare you go back on it?
just SAY it, damn you--God damn you---for once just say it
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Tuesday, February 26th, 2008
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1:16 pm - Dopamine free
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a male pigeon, perched on a tree, sees a female pigeon on another branch.
he flies after her but the second he touches her branch she flies off to another.
he flies after her again and she runs again, and so on, and so forth until eventually the poor guy gets tired.
he rests on a branch. meanwhile another female pigeon snuggles up to him shyly. after a few moments he inches closer to her.
upon seeing this, the first female pigeon flies back with passion to her male suitor. she stands adamantly beside him until the new female flies away.
the male pigeon happily moves toward the first female who finally returned to him.
she flies away again.
he flies after her.
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okay as much as Olive is an idiot who never deserved even a bit of my friend's heart. he did have a point.
there will always be someone more stupid than the other in a relationship.
he was just wrong about which person would be more painful. they both have an equal capacity to hurt.
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so basically i've completely lost faith in human connection.
and i'm starting to think all those strangers who wrote books and plays and made films that touched me only had too much dopamine in their systems and saw what they wanted to see.
i believe now that we can only ever hope to have pretense or semblance.
i also believe that since now life is more stressful...or at least, stress is spread out more evenly over the busy days--we run out of dopamine more quickly, and thats why relationships are much shorter now.
i dont think i understand anyone anymore. i dont understand anyone at all.
i love people, surely-- but the part that really bothers me is the complete disconnection. i dont mind disagreement, it makes things interesting. but i really, honest to god, dont understand the way anybody thinks.
maybe if i sit down and talk about it, i can relate a little to how they feel-- but the jump from feeling to action, that decision in between, will always be a mystery.
well it has to be doesnt it... we couldnt have war and strife and literature otherwise.
okay. i give up. my whole life i've desperately wanted something that's not only impossible but also destructive to the way we exist as we know it.
no more looking for connection. no more trying. i'm leading a dopamine-free life.
no more romantic (in the escapist sense too) thinking.
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Friday, February 22nd, 2008
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12:01 am
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okay maybe i'm not the most selfish person i know.
i agreed to be a bridesmaid.
a pink bridesmaid.
i can't be too horrible
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Thursday, February 21st, 2008
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5:22 pm
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Friday, December 21st, 2007
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4:11 pm - end of an identity crisis
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a person is what makes them alive
all those moments you felt numb, detached, bored were filler
you are the best things you've ever done
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Tuesday, December 4th, 2007
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9:57 pm - letters to boys.
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dear c,
you're obviously intelligent, and you're fairly good looking
so what in the HELL happened to you that made you so insecure you feel you have to hide behind this ridiculous 24/7 masquerade
doesn't it drain you? are you ever real?
have you forgotten what real is?
dear y,
you're a sweet little boy to me, but that doesnt mean you aren't a man. i want you to see yourself. i think i'm going to kiss you better, if you let me.
dear s,
i wish there was a way i could talk to you without feeling cheap or getting hurt. you dont know that i've never loved anyone as genuinely and as deeply as i love you. i still hope you'll fight for me when you've settled inside yourself. if you find me someday, i'd like to tell you.
dear a,
i wonder if you're happy under all that diplomacy. i dont have my friend's patience-- i could never consider you for a project. still, i hope that you really are happy underneath. i'm convinced you're beautiful. you should convince yourself one day.
dear h,
i hated pick up lines about eyes. i hated poetry about eyes. i hated paintings about eyes. then i looked into yours.
dear f,
you're my big brother and my friend's lover and her child and her eighty year old husband. you're the safest, softest person to talk to in the world. you're so solid for the warm pillow that you are.
dear l,
i wish i could be in love with you. you saved my life and we've agreed to die together. i cherish our talks on our island more than you'll ever know. i need for you to feel better more than i need for myself to feel better.
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Saturday, December 1st, 2007
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10:43 am - growing up
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i'm never going to come out.
at least i dont have to deal with the burden of purity anymore.
that's enough.
i've had a lot of experiences for someone who's never come out of their shell.
i wonder when my livers going to go. soon i hope.
my friend G with green eyes and the angriest angry face i've ever known and the sweetest smile wrote about broken glass cathedrals
lala said i have to get over paradise islands
that's easy to say i think
i'll go back soon, to my trees and my ocean and my rooves and my cathedral.
i'll go back to shamelessness and strength and passion.
i wont be this snivelling person who says sorry too often for feeling too much.
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Monday, October 29th, 2007
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7:43 pm - in a film
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i used to be about the big roles--about the monologues. then i learned to appreciate one liners. then i learned to appreciate silence.
i learned to appreciate the extra in the back who looks as though he hadn't noticed anyone was filming.
i can be any one of these characters.
what i will never stand for, what i will never allow myself to be, is filler.
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Friday, October 19th, 2007
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4:31 pm - Advice to a Lover -- anonymous
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The sea hath many thousand sands,
The sun hath motes as many;
The sky is full of stars, and Love
As full of woes as any:
Believe me, that do know the elf,
And make no trial by thyself!
It is in truth a pretty toy
For babes to play withal:
But O, the honies of our youth
Are oft our age's gall:
Self-proof in time will make thee know
He was a prophet told thee so:
A prophet that, Cassandra-like,
Tells truth without belief;
For headstrong Youth will run his race,
Although his goal be grief: -
Love's Martyr, when his heat is past,
Proves Care's Confessor at the last.
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Monday, October 8th, 2007
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12:31 am - i said what i meant and i meant what i said
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dear you.
it was real. all of it, all the time--even when i was hinting it wasn't.
it's not real now because i changed in that one second when things stopped being normal between us.
and if you sit down and think about it (which you'll do one day) you'll realize how very much you changed in that one second too.
so maybe i knew-- deep down somewhere that it wouldn't last, and maybe that's why i was so insecure and i kept offering you fudge, and disappearing on you and muttering your name bitterly into didos pasta the second to first and second to last day we were together.
and maybe i am a flake with a lot to be sorry for
but i'm just not-- because it was so beautifully perfect twirling on the roof and sitting by the fountain and eating together and jesus and sitting laughing walking running in the rain
and it was perfect in a way that's meant to be remembered as something that you can't touch anymore
or it'd just be something you'd tell somebody after you nudge them half heartedly because you've been stuck to them for so long you've run out of space and words
no i'm not sorry i loved you and i'm not sorry i said it when i didnt and i'm not sorry it's over
i'm sorry you cried. i cried too. a lot. and i woke up the next morning with a pink play-do face and puffy eyes and a raspy voice...and i missed you. and i missed who i was. and i swore to god i'd never do it again.
but i keep doing it.
and it's always perfect, until it's not.
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Sunday, September 30th, 2007
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2:13 am - once upon a time
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Monday, September 24th, 2007
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7:21 pm - art according to snooty university
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i love that as they sat there explaining that art is self expression, they proclaimed not only to know what art is about (fine, they're allowed) but to know what i'm about-- better than myself!
apparently my true self has political slogans waiting to make their way out onto my canvas with hints of my asian-ness
MY ASIAN-NESS? are you FREAKIN kidding me?
you want me to look at YOUR filipino art to appear more filipino in my projects?!
so anyway.
i'm double majoring. so as to be a better artist. according to the dept. i'd be a better artist with a political science diploma.
HEH
HEHEHE
AHAHAHAHAHA
*death*
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Sunday, September 23rd, 2007
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9:26 pm - love tarantino, just love him
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so lately i've been all about the zen.
which if you know anything about me is so not in my nature.
i know i know i'm a water spirit, empathetic, overly-sensitive, loves love fishy but i like blood too okay?
i dreamed of a bat (granted it wasnt smashing into anything, but it was THERE) and i enjoy dissection
watching death proof has made me realize there's no harm in allowing a punching bag to get acquainted with my fists.
i used to kick and punch all the time. senior year in high school we had a punching bag exercise and i was the only one who finished with bloody knuckles (because i didn't notice).
I'M GOING TO KICK ASS AND I'M GOING TO LIKE IT
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Thursday, September 20th, 2007
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10:59 pm - today
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i bought khayameya sandals!
i walked around el hoseyn in a pokadot spaghetti top (my arms were covered with a small half jacket knit thingy) and i got the feeling people knew i was egyptian but just assumed i was coptic or deluded but strangely enough not a whore
it was great :)
i got a lovely mo3aksa. roughly translated to "hey, would you marry me if i mopped the floor and washed the laundry and did the dishes?" which is essentially an offer of self-castration from an egyptian man-- twas lovely.
lovely floverly day
now i have to try to apply what i've learned from pre-historic/medieval indian art and impressionism (plus post and neo) these past few weeks and paint like a demon for my interview on sunday.
oh and i adore my teacher. who's gay AND taken as it turns out, so of course i'm absolutely in love. so so so beautiful. not pretty body beautiful but 'please let me sit beside you longer' kind of beautiful.
i really do have amazing gaydar. if i'm attracted to him he's attracted to men. with a few exceptions, but i doubt that they're exceptions sometimes.
i'd probably be a tacky gay man. maybe god was trying to be nice by making me a woman-- i probably wouldn't be able to attract them if i had the right equipment anyway.
point is-- i've discovered gorgeous teachers are a very good motivational tool for me. i dont have to force myself to pay attention, i genuinely want to do well, i show up to every class. i should probably try to schedule classes with attractive professers next semester. i'll want to rip my uterus out but at least i'll have good grades and may one day afford reconstructive surgery.
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Tuesday, September 18th, 2007
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5:16 pm - almost good day
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i love drawing.
i love drawing in class.
i love drawing in class and getting credit for it.
so it was almost a good day.
then the house. or shall i say baba's house.
i used to think my ticket to heaven (besides nonie) is not killing my father, now i'm starting to think there's no goodness in that.
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Friday, September 7th, 2007
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9:46 pm
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i'm scared.
not the crumbling into pieces intimate comforting kind of scared-- the 'shit why am i the only thing left standing' kind of scared.
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Sunday, September 2nd, 2007
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10:02 pm - hey-- i want one of those
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no i dont.
today i met my friend's baby. his name is Adam. for the longest time i've wanted to name my son Adam.
Adam is beautiful, serene and the most fascinating thing i've seen in a long time.
Adam poked buttons in me that i'd forgotten i had.
i wanted to do things for this baby that i wouldn't do for myself.
*sigh* i am not ready for Adam, but you know what-- one day i will be
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Friday, August 31st, 2007
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11:06 pm - five days and counting...
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uni starts in about a week-- i haven't been using my free time very wisely (i know, i shock myself too)
stuff to do:
-sign up for thirty minute interview from hell/buy heavy duty anti perspirant
-PAINT SOMETHING, ANYTHING GOD DAMN YOU: the world knows you can sketch like a biznatch*, STEP IT UP ALREADY
-figure out a nice natural sounding lie to tell ghana boy 1 so we can get to know his hot friend, known only as, ghana boy 2 or GB2 (yeah chicks do it too)
-get fou ciggies...with a bow...yeah :)
-get fresh an oriental water holding pouch (yes i realize there's no such thing, there is now damn it)
-PAINT SOMETHING
-try not to bleed from ears when tutoring brother
-visit the hottest teachers in cairo :) (nonie, roo--please dont do the cute emo kid in the second row that has a crush on you)
-PAINT SOMETHING
-watch ratatouille preferably with the sammy** babies so i can pretend to be an adult while i embarass them with high pitched raving during previews and intermission
-did i mention PAINT SOMETHING?
*i've just been informed that i'm allowed to attempt ghettoness and use shameful terms like 'biznatch' now by my rapper wannabe little brother. why, you askk?
because our little creepy looking dark corner of mohandeseen is like the snooty egyptian version of harlem now. three robberies within the last month and enough drug racketeering to keep lucy up in the stratosphere for a decade at least.
i have street cred...yo...dog...person. i cant do this.
**sammy is reference to adorable blonde woman not the egotistical ass
*sigh*
it's weird to be back.
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