Olivia's Journal
(Latest 20 entries) (Calendar) (Friends) (User info)
Navigate: (Previous 20 entries)
Thursday, August 12, 2004
11:12PM
i have become, comfortably numb
well...i am keeping correspondance with graham. i hope he knows how i feel inside. i like matthew a hell of a lot, but ive made clear no one can replace my grahamster. he will always be my best and closest friend. we truely drifted this summer, but there is a definat bond between us. i wish things could just melt away from me for amoment, but no...that would provide release...something god definatly doesnt want me to feel.
i really loved him...i think i still do in a way, like a mother type.....i want to know if hes ok and stuff, but the romanticism is gone.
matthew is really great. smart nice jewish square. perfect for my whole new "outlook"...all the drugs and problems caused even more problems. a nice square boy from the boonies is probobly my best hope. he is really nice and he seems to like me a lot. his little brother adores elias and vice versa. his parents are total sweethearts and matt wants to study theology. i hope this works out..the only thing that scares me is that i cant see myself LOVING matt with all my heart. i dont feel that close...maybe i just need time
Current mood: comfortalby numb
Current music: "dust in the wind" kansas, "yellow" coldplay
2:44PM - me and graham are no more
it hurts, because there is no animosity between us. i still love him. but right now i cant be with him.
damn this hurts worse than anything else.
Saturday, August 7, 2004
9:54AM - we are against a war where black soldiers are sent to the front to die for a country that hates them
It's been a while since i wrote here. i feel like there is no point really, i used to just sit in front of my computer and bitch about every single problem i could think of...but now all that seems so trivial. i wish the only problems i had to deal with were this person hates me or this person said something behind my back or a big english test or whatever. it seems so small in comparison now. now, when everything is falling apart, and for once all the bitching in the world isnt going to keep me from going under.
i've tried to make amends with everyone ive hurt, but that seems so pointless too, like why should i even bother what my best friends think of me anymore, that won't save me any more than the bitching will. i used to feel like if i could talk to someone, anyone, about my problems they would just go away, but that never worked. now i dont want to talk to anyone, i feel like closing myself up inside and not letting anyone in...at least that way i wouldnt have to deal with people judging me. all the shit is just that, complete utter bullshit, concerts and gossip, math analysis and my fucking hair....why didnt i fucking wake up sooner and realize this was all fucking bullshit that wouldnt do a damn thing to help me in the long run. who the fuck cares anymore about any of that. none of it matters. parties and boyfriends, best friends and joking around. that seemed to take up all my time and now i realize that i should have concentrated on what was important. i could have made me most of my time.
every night before bed i lie awake reliving in my head all the stupid shit i have ever done. it's like watching a really really sick home movie, but for some reason i dwell on the most horrible aspects of my past. and now it seems that i was wrong.
Friday, July 23, 2004
9:36AM
let's see...how has this summer been.
i got a three on my government ap exam and didnt take bio. i think i did allright, better than expected, so that helped get me out of some trouble, im allowed to do shit with the dinnermans and my other teen council friends. matt saved me from a giant frog outside my house. it was after our dinner and a movie program (where i ran into alex for some really strange reason.....i didnt know he knew HOW to read)...anyway, i needed a ride home (I'm not walking home from the library at NIGHT) and there outside my house was a huge-ass bullfrog. he threw it into the neighbors yard and i was free to enter my dwelling.
i learned scary people dont say "bonkers"
oh yea...my family (who ive never met before) came to visit yesterday. my stepfathers brother (maury) and his wife (helen) came to visit us from new york. after they vacationed at hilton head or somthing like that. we all went out to dinner, me elias mom hitler maury helen nick holly and little trinity rei who will be born in less than a month! i was so happy, that nick let me help pick the name. they both liked trinity, and rei seemed to fit, so they went with that. yippie!
lets see... we are getting new neighbors (teenage boys) but we havent met them yet. we got new neighbors across the street. they are a nice family. they have three little girls and a cat. (whom i will be babysitting in about 30 minutes).
Lena is still in moldova...can you beieve it. they wont let her leave with her kids, because some judge doesnt like americans. poor lena, her trip that was supposed to last a year ended up lasting over a month.
the college search has begun...i am looking into a bunch of different schools. most of em are on the west coast.
University of Oregon why::: animal house was filmed there, ken keysey lives 25 miles away, very loose, very writing-oriented
UCLA @ San Francisco why::: UCLA education without berkely's stuck-up "im a liberal" bullshit. and i heart san francisco
Bennington (it's in vermont) why:::: Ben and Jerry's is housed in vermont, very private liberal freethinking school, former all-girls acadamy, not difficult to get into.
University of New Mexico @ Albequrcie why:::: my grandma went there, large native-american population, it's a beautiful campus
those are the four im thinking about. amherst is an alternate and ill probobly apply, but less than 30% of those who apply get in...so im not banking on that.
that's about all ive got to say about the daily grind in my life.
9:23AM
let's see...how has this summer been.
i got a three on my government ap exam and didnt take bio. i think i did allright, better than expected, so that helped get me out of some trouble, im allowed to do shit with the dinnermans and my other teen council friends. matt saved me from a giant frog outside my house. it was after our dinner and a movie program (where i ran into alex for some really strange reason.....i didnt know he knew HOW to read)...anyway, i needed a ride home (I'm not walking home from the library at NIGHT) and there outside my house was a huge-ass bullfrog. he threw it into the neighbors yard and i was free to enter my dwelling.
i learned scary people dont say "bonkers"
oh yea...my family (who ive never met before) came to visit yesterday. my stepfathers brother (maury) and his wife (helen) came to visit us from new york. after they vacationed at hilton head or somthing like that. we all went out to dinner, me elias mom hitler maury helen nick holly and little trinity rei who will be born in less than a month! i was so happy, that nick let me help pick the name. they both liked trinity, and rei seemed to fit, so they went with that. yippie!
lets see... we are getting new neighbors (teenage boys) but we havent met them yet. we got new neighbors across the street. they are a nice family. they have three little girls and a cat. (whom i will be babysitting in about 30 minutes).
Lena is still in moldova...can you beieve it. they wont let her leave with her kids, because some judge doesnt like americans. poor lena, her trip that was supposed to last a year ended up lasting over a month.
the college search has begun...i am looking into a bunch of different schools. most of em are on the west coast.
University of Oregon why::: animal house was filmed there, ken keysey lives 25 miles away, very loose, very writing-oriented
UCLA @ San Francisco why::: UCLA education without berkely's stuck-up "im a liberal" bullshit. and i heart san francisco
Bennington (it's in vermont) why:::: Ben and Jerry's is housed in vermont, very private liberal freethinking school, former all-girls acadamy, not difficult to get into.
University of New Mexico @ Albequrcie why:::: my grandma went there, large native-american population, it's a beautiful campus
those are the four im thinking about. amherst is an alternate and ill probobly apply, but less than 30% of those who apply get in...so im not banking on that.
that's about all ive got to say about the daily grind in my life.
9:23AM
let's see...how has this summer been.
i got a three on my government ap exam and didnt take bio. i think i did allright, better than expected, so that helped get me out of some trouble, im allowed to do shit with the dinnermans and my other teen council friends. matt saved me from a giant frog outside my house. it was after our dinner and a movie program (where i ran into alex for some really strange reason.....i didnt know he knew HOW to read)...anyway, i needed a ride home (I'm not walking home from the library at NIGHT) and there outside my house was a huge-ass bullfrog. he threw it into the neighbors yard and i was free to enter my dwelling.
i learned scary people dont say "bonkers"
oh yea...my family (who ive never met before) came to visit yesterday. my stepfathers brother (maury) and his wife (helen) came to visit us from new york. after they vacationed at hilton head or somthing like that. we all went out to dinner, me elias mom hitler maury helen nick holly and little trinity rei who will be born in less than a month! i was so happy, that nick let me help pick the name. they both liked trinity, and rei seemed to fit, so they went with that. yippie!
lets see... we are getting new neighbors (teenage boys) but we havent met them yet. we got new neighbors across the street. they are a nice family. they have three little girls and a cat. (whom i will be babysitting in about 30 minutes).
Lena is still in moldova...can you beieve it. they wont let her leave with her kids, because some judge doesnt like americans. poor lena, her trip that was supposed to last a year ended up lasting over a month.
the college search has begun...i am looking into a bunch of different schools. most of em are on the west coast.
University of Oregon why::: animal house was filmed there, ken keysey lives 25 miles away, very loose, very writing-oriented
UCLA @ San Francisco why::: UCLA education without berkely's stuck-up "im a liberal" bullshit. and i heart san francisco
Bennington (it's in vermont) why:::: Ben and Jerry's is housed in vermont, very private liberal freethinking school, former all-girls acadamy, not difficult to get into.
University of New Mexico @ Albequrcie why:::: my grandma went there, large native-american population, it's a beautiful campus
those are the four im thinking about. amherst is an alternate and ill probobly apply, but less than 30% of those who apply get in...so im not banking on that.
that's about all ive got to say about the daily grind in my life.
Tuesday, July 6, 2004
1:31PM - clerks
i didnt relize how much black and white television pisses me off till i watched clerks. i could barely concentrate on the flick with the black and white pissing me off. but the music video was great. i heart soul asylum:
Cant even tell
I may never get what I want
But I'm happy just to die trying
And I hope I ain't done nobody wrong
But I miss you smiling
And I'm looking for a cure cause I'm bored to tears
And I'm stuck in here, stuck out here, stuck in here
We lived through another day
It's a good excuse to celebrate
Take a number knock on wood
We'll find a reason to feel good
I know you know I wanna know how I feel
I can't even tell (3)
No one knows nothing about me
I'm guessing I'll just keep 'em guessing
No one sees what I see
This is my blessing
And I'm looking for a way to get out of here
Get me out of here, out of here, out of here
We lived through another day
It's a good excuse to celebrate
Take a number knock on wood
Find a reason to feel good
I know you know you wanna know how I feel
I can't even tell (3)
I'm out of here, out of here, out of here
I know you know I want to know how I feel
I can't tell
I know you know I'll tell you if it's real
It sounded like a bell
I can't even tell
I can't even tell
it's also been three weeks since ive seen graham. longest time we've gone apart. cept those two months, but i thought he was in jail...long story
*sigh*
Current mood: 
bored
Monday, June 28, 2004
7:28AM - splurging
well...there goes "saving" out the window. i was allowed to pick up only one paycheck before i had to quit work. i promptly went out and spent the whole damn thing this weekend. i bought a "Rush" CD and for those of you kids who dont know who they are remember the end of SLC punk? when stevo and bob are kids. and bob says to stevo "and whats with this music" stevo says "rush is a very good band" thats rush. i like them a lot, 'specially closer to the heart. the vocals in all their music are queen-like, the way he sings so high and with so much range. musically they are obviously 70/80's with their use of synthesizers kinda like the who, and their frontal attack guitars remind me mostly of led and ac/dc. check em out you guys (their canadian).
i also bough siamise dream by the smashing pumpkins, a new needlework project, tons of stuff for my dog, i went out to lunch by myself like a big fat loser, and some ben and jerry's.
some shit i been listening too::::
CLOSER TO THE HEART
And the men who hold high places
Must be the ones who start
To mold a new reality
Closer to the heart
Closer to the heart
The blacksmith and the artist
Reflect it in their art
They forge their creativity
Closer to the heart
Closer to the heart
Philosophers and ploughmen
Each must know his part
To sow a new mentality
Closer to the heart
Closer to the heart
You can be the captain
I will draw the chart
Sailing into destiny
Closer to the heart
LUNA by the smashing pumpkins (i cried like a baby when i first heard this one...the music is as sweet as the lyrics...)
What moonsongs
Do you sing your babies?
What sunshine do you bring?
Who belongs
Who decides who's crazy
Who rights wrongs where others cling?
I'll sing for you
If you want me to
I'll give to you
And it's a chance I'll have to take
And it's a chance I'll have to break
I go along
Just because I'm lazy
I go along to be with you
And those moonsongs
That you sing your babies
Will be the songs to see you through
I'll hear your song
If you want me to
I'll sing along
And it's a chance I'll have to take
And it's a chance I'll have to break
I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you
So in love
I'm in love with you
With you
I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you
So in love
I'm in love with you
I'm
I'm so in love
I'm in love with you
im spent....it IS 730 in them morning
later
Current mood: 
thirsty
Current music: "spanish caravan" the doors
Friday, June 25, 2004
8:30AM
man...i hate reading all your journals about all the actualy THINGS you guys are doing. i have discovered that one can listen to approxamatly three books on tape, if there are no interruptions and that im damn good at needlepoint. the joy of luck club (half way through it) interview with a vampire (half way through it) the scarlet letter (half way through it) the eagle and the rose (done with it) the crucible (at the end of it)..........that is a lot of fucking reading for one person to do, so i took up my old needlepoint. i guess ill mail it to graham for his birthday. he likes shit like that (i wouldnt be caught dead hanging a needlepoint in my room)....its horrible what im missing being stuck here like a fucking animal. oh wel...i do have ONE bright spot. that maybe, if my AP scores are good i might be able to see darling graham...but we'll see.
later
Monday, June 21, 2004
8:17PM
i failed math
bland said i was the only one
fucking liar
sean failed too!
Thursday, June 10, 2004
7:59AM
you guys curse too much. i am unable to read my friends entires from the school puter. i was talking to aimee and she said that i should try and submit to moltan art. i think i would like that a whole bunch. hhmmmmmmmm. this weekend i dont have much planned. i was thinking about hanging out with tobie, but we'll see. mom might still need help with the housework and i have to work at jerrys on sunday from 10 to 3. tonight i am working and tomorrow i am working both days from 4 to 7. i dont mind the work...it isnt hard. other than the fact that i pretty much despise my manager. shes this annoying blonde girl with a condecending air and her boyfriend works there too. they both piss me off to no end. but david the pizza boy and john D the register guy are super cool. stephanie the general manager is sooooooo nice. i also need to remember to ask her about getting saturday the 19th off so i can babysit.
man...i cant believe that school is OVER. i am so happy and scared at the same time. (the scared part comes from the fact that i do not know if i passed math or not). i tried to do the calculations on my computer but it didnt work. cause i dont know what i got for this i am kinda sad i wont get to see my friends as much any more. it's kinda sad, ya know??? i hope to stay in touch with some of em, but that never happens.
hitler is doing better...still not great.
oh man, i almost forgot the BIGGEST pice of news. i finally got my permit. after waiting forever i finally got it. i got it yesterday and went for a driving lesson. first with my mom and then with her and graham. i only did two things bad: stepped on the brakes too hard and then the second thing was that i put the car in park while it was still moving just a little bit. whopps. hitler also let me drive myself to school in his little honda element. it was eaiser to drive than mom's car. although i did allright i am still afraid to go on 610 or 95. i havent driven with a car in front and behind me yet. i havenent even had a car IN FRONT of me yet. im worried i will hit them...well if people like graham and my brothers can drive i think i can definatly manage it.
i passed the test with 5 questions wrong (the maximum of course)...but i DID pass it the first time which is more than SOME people can say *cough cough*
thats about all folks.
and final farewell to allm y friends from school...have great summers and dont get into too much trouble!
++++Olivia+++++
Current mood: 
sad
Saturday, June 5, 2004
10:10AM
still not really any news. they kept him thursdy night, friday night, and maybe tonight.
i have my first REAL day of working at jerry's subs and pizza tonight from 4 to 9. im so nervous. i hope i dont fuck up ... at least too bad.
last night helped me so bad. i woke up around 1130 because i had a scary dream. everyone was asleep so i called the one person i know would listen. we talked from 1130 to 445. my phone battary died from us talking so long. it was wonderful. ive never gone to sleep feeling so fufilled. we talked about metal, anime, no one hitting on me, ryan, sex, seth, drugs, life, television, marriage, and pornos. it was so wonderful. i feel like we are totally on the same page. i love him with all my heart.
goodnight kids. elias woke me up so im gonna try to go back to sleep.
poor james...ur right maddy, thats a fate i wouldnt wish on a fucking dog.
p.s. graham said he knew james in juvie. he said he was a cool guy and vulunteered for the mopping.
Current mood: 
complacent
Current music: Sevendust, "Corrected"
Friday, June 4, 2004
7:50AM
ive gotten into the habit of just NOT comming to school when there is something important i need to put off. i need to work on my latin project and that math worksheet. everytime i look at it i just draw a blank. so why even bother. so what if i fail for the fucking year.
yesterday i presented my culminating. i think i did allright. it wasnt boring, but it was rather unprofessional. i felt like i was trippin' balls (thanks graham) but i was just super tired and massively hungover. ive found the only way to avoid the dreaded HO is to drink until i pass out. then i sleep for so long that i just dont feel anything afterward.
i just saw two things of interest in the paper....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
this one is regarding james law...
A Stafford County teen who set his girlfriend's home on fire last year after she ended their relationship has been convicted of multiple charges, including attempted capital murder.
James Timothy Law, 16, was also found guilty Tuesday in Stafford Circuit Court of arson, threatening to kill, threatening to burn, destruction of property and unlawful entry.
Law, who was tried as an adult, will be facing a lengthy prison term when he is sentenced Sept. 7 by Judge James W. Haley Jr.
According to prosecutor Michael Hardiman, Law was 15 last summer when he and his girlfriend broke up. On July 15, the evidence showed, the girl began receiving threatening e-mail from Law.
Shortly after midnight on July 22, the girl and her mother were up watching television when she noticed a fire outside her front door on Hope Road in Stafford.
The girl said Law was there, but ran away when he saw her. The fire burned a bush but was put out before causing much more damage.
After deputies left the home, witnesses said, the girl and her mother fell asleep in front of the television. About 3 a.m., the girl awoke to find smoke rolling down the hallway.
Her bedroom was burning, Hardiman said. Firefighters had to rescue her father, who is handicapped, from the burning home.
Deputies went to Law's house, but he wasn't there. He was home six hours later, wearing the same clothing the girl had described to police.
Law also had a small propane torch, Hardiman said. A gas can had been left on the side of the victims' home.
About a week after the fire, Hardiman said, the girl again received an e-mail from Law. He threatened to kill her entire family. He also threatened to "burn the house down again."
Law was arrested on Aug. 5. After he was incarcerated, he was still making threats against the girl, an inmate testified.
"He terrorized this family," Hardiman said. "They were afraid to all sleep at the same time."
Hardiman said the family continued to receive threats even after Law was locked up from people who claimed to be retaliating for his arrest.
There were two more fires set at the home, and the last one in February burned it down, Hardiman said. No one has been charged in connection with that incident.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
and this one is very interesting too....im seriously considering signing up::::
A unique memorial to Colonial Forge High School students who died in accidents this year is being built on a quiet residential street in Spotsylvania.
The remembrance will honor the lives of the five students, but will also serve a needy Fredericksburg family: It's going to be a house.
This summer, the Greater Fredericksburg Habitat for Humanity chapter is building a single-family home on Hotchkiss Street in Spotsylvania. The site is just beyond the Fredericksburg city limits, off Lafayette Boulevard.
Local teens are encouraged to volunteer and will be a significant part of the labor that creates the house, said Carl Wiberg, executive director of the Greater Fredericksburg chapter.
No construction experience is needed, he said.
"We'll explain what a hammer is and which end of it pounds into a nail," Wiberg said.
Last night, as ground was broken at the work site, the project was dedicated to the Stafford County students--two sophomores, a junior, and two seniors--who lost their lives this year in automobile, dirt-bike and construction accidents. Two of the students perished together in a single-car crash.
The idea to build the home in the students' names came from several chapter members who approached Jeffrey Hackman, who serves on the chapter's board of directors.
Hackman's daughter Nerissa, a Colonial Forge junior, was killed in a car accident in February.
"I just think it's a wonderful idea," he said. "I would hope the students that help build the house see the value in helping their community and meet the people who will benefit from their work."
Nerissa was active in Colonial Forge's Leo Club, a service organization that's a student branch of Lions Clubs International.
After several prayers during last night's ceremony, representatives from the students' families turned over the first shovels of earth to start the project.
The land at 107 Hotchkiss St. was sold to Habitat for Humanity at a reduced price by the owner, Sherry Varley of Lake of the Woods.
Varley grew up in the house neighboring the land.
"I thought of Habitat because it's just been sitting here and I wanted to sell it to them because it was a good cause," Varley said.
Since 1995, the Greater Fredericksburg chapter has opened nine homes. Its most recent was completed in November in downtown Fredericksburg.
Since then, many, many more people have expressed desire to become Habitat homeowners. By January, 109 people were on the waiting list. Now, the number's up to about 140, Wiberg said.
The Hotchkiss Street house is expected to be finished in late September.
Colonial Forge freshman Anna Dillon knew Nerissa through their shared church, Regester Chapel of the United Methodist Church in Stafford.
She said Nerissa would "definitely" approve of the memorial. Dillon plans to work on the site whenever she can.
"I think lots of kids know that it's happening, and they're going to try and come out," Dillon said.
To volunteer or for more information, call the Greater Fredericksburg Habitat for Humanity office at 540/891-5009.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I wonder if it is morbid that i saved all the clippings about ry.... sometimes i just get so down when i think about him. for me, that was so sudden, and it hit me twice as fucking hard cause i wanted to deal with his family's (*cough* graham *cough*) problems before i worried about my own grieving. graham and kathi seem to have handled it well, even though they suffered so much. teddy graham graduated from drug class. im so proud of him. hes working so hard to stay clean.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
i figured after reading all of that. i found this article and it's pretty funny:::::: its from sweden
A Swedish woman, tired of the noise made by her amorous neighbors in the apartment above, took her quest for some peace and quiet to an official environmental health committee.
Jon Persson, who works with the local health committee in Simrishamn, some 382 miles south of the capital, Stockholm, said Thursday that the woman said she was "distressed, angry and tense all over" because her neighbors make love loudly almost nightly.
He said it was the first time he can recall such a complaint ever being filed in the Scandinavian country. Typically, most disputes get settled between neighbors and don't require government intervention.
The woman, who was not identified, complained that the lovemaking usually starts around 10 p.m. and lasts well past midnight, sometimes to 1 a.m., Persson said.
According to a copy of her complaint, she said the lovers' efforts have left her with tense headaches, cramps and heartburn.
"You are my last hope, please help me," the woman wrote in the complaint, according to Persson.
Persson said he's not entirely sure how to help the woman, noting that it's the landlord of the apartment building "whose duty it is to make sure the nuisance stops."
Persson said his committee could visit the woman's apartment and measure the noise levels, but said it might be hard to do that because "we don't know in advance when the disturbances will occur."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
another note to cheer me up. EIGHTIES LOVE SONGS.
(a side note to this story. i wanted to get the lyrics to copy into my journal of "i melt with you" by modern english and for some reason MEST, SAVES THE DAY, AND FUCKING JASOM MIRAZ were there doing covers of this song! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!! STUPID DUMB IDI-FUCKING-OTIC BANDS MAKING GREAT SONGS SHITTY!!!!!!!! UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH)
enough ranting...the song lyrics::::
Moving forward using all my breath
Making love to you was never second best
I saw the world rushing all around your face
Never really knowing it was always mesh and lace
I'll stop the world and melt with you
You've seen the difference and it's getting better all the time
There's nothing you and I won't do
I'll stop the world and melt with you
Dream of better lives
The kind which never hate
Wrapped in a state of imaginary grace
I made a pilgrimage to save this human race
Never comprehending the race had long gone by
I'll stop the world and melt with you
You've seen the difference and it's getting better all the time
There's nothing you and I won't do
I'll stop the world and melt with you
The future is open wide
I'll stop the world and melt with you
I've seen some changes but it's getting better all the time
There's nothing you and I won't do
The future is open wide
Hmm Hmm Hmm Hmm Hmm Hmm
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
i miss ryan.
i miss ner.
i miss alex.
i miss my daddy.
Current mood: 
morose
Current music: "hold on loosely" .38 special
Thursday, June 3, 2004
9:27PM
hitler had a stroke tonight. i was really afraid. graham was with me. elias turned 8. nerissa would have been 17.
i cant stop crying. why does everything pile on top of everything else. this year has been hell. all the people who ive met this year it have been no good or fucking dead cept graham and a handful of others (molly, alicia, sammy, nikki, and of course mah graham) but im so afraid. i couldnt stand to lose anything else. all i can think of is what if it happens to any one of the people i hold dearest to me. what if it was mom, or graham, or alli, or lexxi, or mol, or fucking seth or something.......what in hell would i do then. what if elias was sick or something. with the rate that things are going.......it doesnt look positive. i dont know wht it means to have a murmor in your heart...but the phrase scares me. it sounds too much like an emo song to be good.
im so afraid - ISH....
i dont get scared
just scared-ISH
i also shouldnt be drinking (i know alli) but a drop o' liquid protection wont fucking hurt me....will it???
Current mood: 
drunk
Saturday, May 29, 2004
4:17PM - my awesome movie
it is soo awesome
never mind all the mess ups and mispronunciations. i didnt refilm anything, cause i wanted it to be shown in all it's glory. i dont know why im so proud of it. maybe its cause it took me all last night to do, but i did it.
keean and tobie came over after the shit was done and hung out for oh...about 10 minutes.
nothing else to write....
oh....finished workin my first day on the job. i was the only white kid who would wash dishes!
Thursday, May 27, 2004
4:14PM
the field trip was ok.
but nothing i mean NOTHING could compare to wednesday. i swear to god, i have found nirvana. we hung out with fat drunk bikers and had the time of our lives. i dont think ive ever been that happy in my entire life. i just read all the other journal entries and in lexxi's she mentioned feeling "just like a girl" and i laughed cause that's what i told graham after the concert. during freebird i took out the lighter and as he finished a ciggarette (YES WE KNOW SMOKING KILLS! THATS WHY WE DO IT) and he sorta put his arms round me as best he could without burining me and i felt so peaceful...or as peaceful as possible with a million screaming bikers all around me! i had such a great time. i met a ton of super-cool kiddoes.
damn im pretty happy right bout now. graham's got rehab tonite so im chillin at home doin a powerpoint for culimating. it's gonna whop all culminating's asses
P.S. FOR ALL GOV SCHOOL KIDS::::::::: SATURDAY 1-530 ME AND ALLI RENTED A ROOM FOR CULIMINATING MOVIES. EVEN NON-CGS KIDS ARE INVITED CAUSE I NEED BOUT 4 OR 5 PEOPLE FOR MY FLICK. LINES ARENT HARD AND IT WOULD BE A GREAT HELP. THAT IS 1 TO 530 ON SATURDAY!!! COME GODAMIT!
Tuesday, May 25, 2004
7:19PM
is it terrible when you live to see others fail.
is it horrible when you delight in other's misfortunes
is it so incredibly evil with your sole happiness is to see their bitch asses fall so short of their expectations.
no....its not!!!
tobie dearest...my dancing could NEVER measure up to yours darling.
T-minus 23 hours and counting until lynyrd skynyrd!
Sunday, May 23, 2004
2:30PM
prom = fun
today = NOT fun
how dumb is that.
so....mom left cause i was bein a bitch so im home alone watching orrest gump. thats ok. im off to sleep. prom was fun
Friday, May 21, 2004
7:25PM
havent written in a while.
today the coolest thing ever happened. while bored me and alex definatly typed our names in google image search and the hottest lesbian porn showed up. it was so awesome. i was the blonde one who was licking the dark-haired one's nipple.......
drake's commin over in a while or so. im so excited bout homecomming!!!!! woot woot!!
scratch that...definatly prom
fuck....vanella rum
Thursday, April 29, 2004
6:06PM - stop torturing yourself man..ull never afford it...live in the now
Is this the real life-
Is this just fantasy-
Caught in a landslide-
No escape from reality-
Open your eyes
Look up to the skies and see-
I’m just a poor boy,i need no sympathy-
Because I’m easy come,easy go,
A little high,little low,
Anyway the wind blows,doesn’t really matter to me,
To me
Mama,just killed a man,
Put a gun against his head,
Pulled my trigger,now he’s dead,
Mama,life had just begun,
But now I’ve gone and thrown it all away-
Mama ooo,
Didn’t mean to make you cry-
If I’m not back again this time tomorrow-
Carry on,carry on,as if nothing really matters-
Too late,my time has come,
Sends shivers down my spine-
Body’s aching all the time,
Goodbye everybody-I’ve got to go-
Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth-
Mama ooo- (any way the wind blows)
I don’t want to die,
I sometimes wish I’d never been born at all-
I see a little silhouetto of a man,
Scaramouche,scaramouche will you do the fandango-
Thunderbolt and lightning-very very frightening me-
Galileo,galileo,
Galileo galileo
Galileo figaro-magnifico-
But I’m just a poor boy and nobody loves me-
He’s just a poor boy from a poor family-
Spare him his life from this monstrosity-
Easy come easy go-,will you let me go-
Bismillah! no-,we will not let you go-let him go-
Bismillah! we will not let you go-let him go
Bismillah! we will not let you go-let me go
Will not let you go-let me go
Will not let you go let me go
No,no,no,no,no,no,no-
Mama mia,mama mia,mama mia let me go-
Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me,for me,for me-
So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye-
So you think you can love me and leave me to die-
Oh baby-can’t do this to me baby-
Just gotta get out-just gotta get right outta here-
Nothing really matters,
Anyone can see,
Nothing really matters-,nothing really matters to me,
Any way the wind blows....
Current mood: 
amused
Navigate: (Previous 20 entries)