loqan's Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar]

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.georgia.chainsmoke.seraquil.confusion.gay.laugh. [Jul 5th, 03 @ 11PM]
[ mood | contemplative ]
[ music | le tigre - fake french ]

i'm excited. yes i am. i'm going to atlanta in a week, to see my friend ellen, rock it out wherever. she's a badass kid. we have a lot of the same mental problems, teehee. were going to go shopping. and go see a play. and sit on our asses and talk. then im going to go home, and a couple of weeks later im gonna go see my babyyyy. im happy. i dont know if i posted or not but heres whats gone on in the past couple of months.

i graduated highschool

i lived and learned

and i got confused

i need to start excersising my creativity again. my mind.

good day sir.

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[Jun 21st, 03 @ 3PM]
hi. yeah. hi. im in michigan now, not like i posted that i was going but it is amazing. getting to spend time with kiersten. its been 3 months. yesterday was our 6 month anniversary. i love you kier. <3333 and i love all you kids too. <3 nobody gets left out. bye

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i want to make bad things happen to your perfect teeth. [May 15th, 03 @ 4PM]
hairspray. gotta love the stuff. keeps your hair looking swell as a smashed thumb, and messes up when someone runs their fingers through your hair. nothings cooler than that. i havent updated in a while...so um...new stuff. yeah.

x i officially end my high school career tomorrow, and graduations the 27th.

x i go back to michigan in less than a week.

x i stopped drinking caffinated drinks, not just carbonated, because im richeous like that.

x i guaged my ears to 10s, and then hurt myself trying to go to 6s too soon.

x busted my knuckles open on a concrete floor doing dumb stunts over a sofa.

x cut my best friends hand open with a kitchen knife

x ran out of contacts

x started hanging out with my sister a little more.

x saw x men 2

thats about it. im fucking excited. and im going to go now. later <33

1 comment|post comment

[Apr 24th, 03 @ 2PM]

let's visit iceland. ;]
2 comments|post comment

flood of memories i dont soon want to leave. [Apr 22nd, 03 @ 12AM]
[ mood | thoughtful ]
[ music | Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Black Tongue ]

i miss you fucker. thats all im thinking about today. since that dream i had last night, im like remembering every little thing, just how it happened, remembering you, just as you were. the mind warps memories, not even just what you want them to be, but time washes over it. thoughts arent static, they can be shifted ever so slightly every time you think about something. last night i guess something subconcious came out, because everything i didnt know i had forgotten came back to me. i taste your lipgloss again, i smell your hair, i remember the way your lips felt, i remember walking with you, never letting go of you as long as i was with you. i remember the look on your face whenever you picked me up the morning after i "left". i remember all those mornings you came over before school, just to spend an hour, or a half hour, or ten minutes. i remember how nervous you were the first time we met, and how you tried so hard to play it off. i remember how i pushed my fear and nerves so far under the surface that i was so calm, and so nanchalant, but everything came out in other ways. ill be ready next time. im ready now. i remember your eyes, i remember your face. you are the most beautiful person to me, you are finally realizing that who you are doesnt lie in others. yeah, you can be part of people and people part of you, but you,on a whole, are you. and im really fucking glad your writing that book. im looking forward to reading it. email me the into thing. goodnight. <33

2 comments|post comment

man.... [Apr 10th, 03 @ 11PM]
[ mood | hot ]
[ music | Bright Eyes - The City Has Sex ]

I remember everything
The words we spoke on freezing South Street
And all those mornings watching you get ready for school

- Halaigh, A Lie, Halaigh
- Bright Eyes

4 comments|post comment

WHO WANTS SPANKIN'S!? ::whap:: [Mar 28th, 03 @ 7AM]
[ mood | aggravated ]

maan. i woke up this morning and my fingers were all swollen. uhh. i dont know what to say about all that. it kind of freaked me out. well. really freaked me out. it looks like someone shot collagen into both of my hands. i've had the flu for like 4 days, and im wondering if that has anything to do with it. i'll find out at school. im goin to the nurses 'cause i'm cool. if she tells me i have uremic poisoning or kidney damage or something im going to be one pissed boy. well. im off to school. wish me luck. ::oversized high five:: <33

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[Mar 26th, 03 @ 12AM]
Being sucked dry by leeches isn't so bad.
You will be sucked dry by a leech. I'd stay away
from swimming holes, and stick to good old
cement. Even if it does hurt like hell when
your toe scrapes the bottom.

What horrible Edward Gorey Death will you die?
brought to you by Quizilla
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jacked from jeff. [Mar 20th, 03 @ 12AM]
Part One - Present
First name: logan.
Middle name: jay.
Age: seventeen.
Birthdate: 11 06 85.
Eye color: green and brown.
Hair color: brown.
Hair - straight or curly?: Straight when its short, wavy long, i dunno.
Height: 6'1
High school: ACE, part of GRHS
What college do you want to go to, or go to already?: no clue yet. i do plan to go though.
Major: philosophy and maybe some sort of literary class or graphic design class.
What do you want to do for a living?: writer.
Favorite classes: art, psychology.
Hobbies: obsessing, reading, my friends, ms. lee, writing thins you wont ever see.
Do you have a bf/gf?: yes sir.
Do you have a picture online?: yes sir.
Do you have an online journal?: online journals are for pussys and faggots.
Do you live in a house or apartment?: house.
Location: GRTX
Classes you are taking now: right now, u.s. government.
Do you drive?: no.
Do you have siblings?: Yes.

Part two - Future.
Where do you see yourself in 10 years?: i do not know, very possibly married...north of here. maybe dead. maybe happy. id rather be happy than dead.
20 years?:
When do you want to be married?: Not anytime soon...but uh, yeah...I kinda cant stop thinking about it.
How many kids do you want to have?: 2-3
What will you name them?: i dont know yet.
Where do you want to live when you get older?: no clue. im still working on near events, homie.

part three - Favourites.
Horror movie: the news
Sitcom tv show: frasier and urrbody lu's raymin.
Drama tv show: passions :x
Reality tv show: my life.
T.V. channel:
Made for tv movie: uh.......that kodak one about the crazy ass teenage girl and her alcaholic piano prodigy bro.
Talk show: ;/ i dont really watch them.
Holiday: birthday and the 20th. ;x
Day of the week: friday and saturday and sunday.
Month: november.
Actor: dinero, norton, robin williams new shit.
Actresses: :x man sarah jessica parkers a master.
Books: choke, jesus' son, bongwater, rescusitation of a hanged man, fight club, take the cannoli
Magazines: i dont read them much...i read the women's life at school when theres nothin' else to do ;x
Outdoor activity:
Indoor activity: Reading, sleeping, drinking, smoking, writing.
Singer/artist: bright eyes, deathcab for cutie, poison the well, dj shadow, outkast, 2 live crew :x, hopesfall, radiohead, soilent green, fata, son ambulance, now its overhead
CD: this burned one i made. it owns you.
Gum: winterfresh
Candy: depends on my mood
Drink (w/alcohol): nothin'. i dont drink.
Drink (w/o alcohol): water, cranberry juice, milk.
Animal: dogs, monkeys, reptiles.
Toothpaste: scope flavored uhh...whatever the fuck it is.
Shampoo/conditioner: spiker eraser.
xmas/holiday movie: It's a wonderful life.
Muppet character: an im al.
Color: black brown red white green
Starbucks drink: irish creme
Restaurant: pastafina, olive garden, tacobell.
Bar: on the rocks :x
Place: with her.
Song: calender hung itself - bright eyes
Website: these little journals
Thing to do online: write in this peice of shit, and talk to people.
Car: ginaaa fucker. even though its a pos. my cars better. its invisible.
Part Five - Which one?
Prada or Gucci?: Gucci.
Black ink or Blue ink?: black.
Gum or Mint?: mint.
Soda or Water?: water.
Digital camera or Regular camera? depends on the pictures.
Coffee or Tea?: Tea.
Phone or IM?: phone over im's. flesh over phone.
Museum or Shopping?: both nigga.
Hot of Cold?: cool and sometimes hot.
Rain or Snow?: rain.

Part Six - Have You?
Gone skinny dipping?: yes.
Been hospitalized?: yes.
Been on a cruise?: no ;[
Met anyone famous?: john malkovitch, thats about it.
Broken a law?: yes sir.

Part Seven - Misc.
What does your room look like?: nearly bare walls. just a bed a sofa and a computer table, along with a couple of dressers and stuff. nothing special.
If you could have any super power, what would it be?: to always be happy, and make other people happy - how much would that own?
If you could go anywhere in the world, where would it be?: h.o.m.e. with you.
Do you have a tv in your room?: yes.
Do you have your own phone line?: cell.
What kind of cellphone do you have?: cing cang cingularrrrr. nokia baby.
What kind of computer do you use?: gateway complete, represent '99 style.
Do you play any instruments?: i play the mouth :x and quite well.
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god. [Mar 19th, 03 @ 10PM]
[ mood | worried ]
[ music | despacidos - the happiest place on earth ]

so they are waging war now, right? they, yes. not us. not me. this country is no more mine than it ever was. i thought we were supposed to be instilled with a feeling of national pride and courage for whats happening. its so fucking blatantly stupid, i cant support this. when i was 11, i didnt sleep for a month, because i was scared of nukes. now im 17, and i ain't getting no sleep. scary shit, kids. ill have peace of mind when im out of here in a few weeks. till then, spare me the decaf. 'night.

blah i wanna call you. too bad its too late........call me at school tomarrow motherfucker ;/ ana behibak.

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_/\___/\____n__,,___..______flatline. [Mar 16th, 03 @ 5PM]
[ mood | confused ]

i miss you. in a month, i'll go back. i had the most amazing, crazy week of my life last week. i was in love at first, and now this is a total grafting.

kids make me feel bad easily. i guess i deserve it. i made him feel pretty bad. now i dont know what the fuck to do.

you were right.

bout everything except the thing you were worried about.

did he know i was a neurotic neurotic kid or did he just hop on that?

i miss you. i miss the way your hair feels. i miss your naked eyes. i miss your lips. i miss your taste, the way you smell, the way your lipgloss stayed with me forever after we kissed. i miss you next to me, i miss your warmth, i miss your hand locked up with mine. i miss my arms around you. i miss your bites. i miss your hands. i miss everything. i miss you as long as i have you i will not take you for granted, because i am so scared that though i have you now i wont for very long. but i swear to fucking god ill hang on as long as you will.

and other over the top codependant things as well. ;x


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[Mar 6th, 03 @ 10PM]
drive like you're already through the windshield, trying to breathe on the road.

throw that punch like you already broke your jaw.

say those words like you know they'll be the right ones.

i cant find half the fucking keys to my keyboard.

i didnt break my nose after all.

my eyes are brown. word. more hazel, but rarely green. one thing i said way back when and never seemed to stop saying. stupid but deal with it.

i'm glad i have a habit of projecting my agression onto inanimate objects. or myself.

ok. at this time you can disacknowledge this entry.
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[Mar 6th, 03 @ 8PM]
rejection or acceptance,

at least ill not be sitting here,

in a month,

wondering what could have happened.

instead it will be what happened.

this is the story of a boy whose scared. this is the story of a boy who really fucking should be. and this, kids, is the story of a boy who is about to find out. what? everything, nothing, who knows.
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[Mar 4th, 03 @ 10PM]
[ music | bright eyes-when the curious girl realizes shes under glasss ]

blurty, you caught me at a strange few weeks in my life. my entries from here on out will probably be a little less one topic. when you gotta do something, you gotta do it, and it sometimes takes up your thoughts. im finally chilling now. i havent done that in a couple of weeks. now i just have to try to relax. ive been letting this depression ive had tearing through me for about a month get in the way of things. my eyes are opened. just stop dwelling on things, and chill. dont let yourself keep slipping back into your self hatred trips. punch something. chill. k log?

oh. and. maam, you're god fucking damn right i am.

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[Mar 4th, 03 @ 10PM]
[ mood | indescribable ]
[ music | poison the well - nerdy ]

lets recap, ok? i got money. i got the time. oh oh. and now. i got everything else taken care of. all i have to do now is tell you. beh. i got till friday to figure it all out. i still need to go get stuff. i should also work on making my stomach stop churning. hah. bye.

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...i wasn't lying when i said i get away with everything. [Mar 3rd, 03 @ 11PM]
[ mood | anxious ]
[ music | suicidal tendancies - institutionalized :x ]

money isnt a problem anymore, i was right about that.

the law isnt a problem anymore. i sweetalked. it worked. did i ever have any doubt it wouldn't?

in first offenders class today, i met a cop who had been shot ten times in a row.

bahalkhsdlfjk i need a haircut. im getting one tomarrow or the next day.

i need to finish getting all this shit arranged.

eef. i need to pick up thermals too.

probably a hoodie too.

fuuuck. its down to the wire, kids.

damn. oh well. later.


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fuck tha world dont ask me for shit, cause everything you get you got to work hard for it. cept me.. [Mar 2nd, 03 @ 1PM]
[ mood | predatory ]
[ music | glassjaw - tip your bartender ]

there are 2 metaphors that fit my life right now...

a. saying im going to pierce my ears and never doing it...and repeating the process month after month.

b. falling down an elevator shaft only to be caught at the bottom by a soft pillow. time after time.

money is no longer a problem. but now the law is.

fuck it. ill sweet-talk my way out of all that, too.

blood sweat and tears isnt the right expression, but 1 out of 3 isnt bad.

this is the story of a boy who jumped out of a plane with no parachute and landed on his feet unharmed. this is the story of a boy who shot down christ and got away with it. this is the story of a boy who climbed out of an electric jigsaw puzzle of blood and steel with nothing but a broken nose. this is the story of the boy, who no matter what he did, got away with it. and this is the story of a boy who is finally ok with it.

you were right. heh. yes you were. but not about everything.

the only thing keeping me calm right now is this song blasting in my ear.


2 comments|post comment

breathing is optional. [Feb 28th, 03 @ 6PM]
[ mood | contemplative ]
[ music | soilent green - she cheated on you twice ]

i bought choke yesterday, and finished it today.
amazing book.
the song fuck the pain away comes to mind.
i did another proficiency test that doesnt count today.
i wrote another essay to make a bored teacher think.
word round the campfire is that i had some money.
word round the campfire was only half right.
i only have half of what i need. or want. or whatever.
its all come down to a question of...
and i regret to inform you that if it wont kill me, its a want.
but dont get me wrong. i want this.
...who exactly am i talking to? myself...? yeah. myself.
I U D S I S stay in school 'cause its the best.
but at the moment, want or need, its a 50/50
that it wont matter either way.
money makes the world go round
the root of all evil is money.
go figure. evil makes the world go round.

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i feel like a kid who has to turn in a term paper. [Feb 23rd, 03 @ 9PM]
[ mood | discontent ]
[ music | Sparta - Tie your ribbon ]

the pain i bring on myself
is physchotic.
i dwell like a madman,
and lately i havent been to scared of being thought of as one.
you ask, i tell. you dont ask, i tell anyway. im tired of saying im okay.
the pain of not knowing if its you being talked about or not isnt too much to handle.
but its something i could do without.
i have more money in my pocket right now than i have since fall of last year.
i have more determination than ive had since fall of last year.
this isnt going to be like fall of last year.
my only wonder is if im wasting my time.
though i dont think i am.
i have nothing to lose...
...but you.

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.te amo. te amo. te amo. te amo. te amo. te amo. te amo. te amo. te amo. te amo. te amo. te amo. [Feb 20th, 03 @ 6PM]
[ mood | i couldnt describe... ]
[ music | my own scream ]

i am more scared right now than i have been since the day my mother died.

if i had the right thing to say, i would say it, and it wouldnt matter.

its not time for saying things anymore.

its the time to do.

just let me do it in time.

if i have given up prayer

if i have given up on god

let this be my last choked plea

let me do this in time.

this scream thats been welling up inside me for so many years just let itself out.



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