| We Will Become Silhouettes |
[11 May 2004|01:43am] |
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mood |
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 horny |
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music |
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The Postal Service "Sleeping In" |
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Dang dang dang. I think I've fallen for this guy that I really shouldn't fall for given the circumstances. Sometimes I get so mad at him for stupid things and then I always just forget about it and start thinking about him again. Somehow everything he says makes sense in the end. I find myself wanting to talk to him constantly but I just can't do that and I can't be this way. Why do I always go for the guys that are so far out of reach? Not out of reach in the, they're better than me sense, but out of reach as in the, I just can't date them sense. I don't even know why I like him. Sometimes he says things that can make me feel...I dunno, wierd. But I think the main thing is that he makes me think about things in a different way and I like that.
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| Stop and smell the...roses? |
[09 May 2004|09:50pm] |
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mood |
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 chipper |
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music |
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"Ants Marching" Dave Matthews Band |
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For the record: I hate Blurty because it keeps timing out and deleting what I have just written. So far it has done this three times over the past few weeks and I'm just too lazy to rewrite everything.
I'm really looking forward to this summer. If nothing else, I at least won't have to sit through pointless classes that have nothing to do with what I want to do with the rest of my life. On that note; what am I going to do for the rest of my life? I've wanted to be a photojournalist for about three years now, but things can change like the wind. I'm worried. What if I can't get a good job and I'm always stuck in the crappy job where you do all the stuff that no one else wants to do? What if I have to work all the time and then something I have always loved to do will become boring or dreaded? I was talking to a friend who has the same major and he was saying that already his hobby was becoming ruined by classes and teachers words. What if I'm not good at what I do? Most people can learn any trade but art is somewhat different. If you suck at art...you suck at art. It's much harder to acquire an eye for art than it is to memorize math formulas, or learn how to teach a kindergarten class. If you don't have it, you're screwed. If I can get through school and somehow manage to prove myself, I'll be set; doing what I love and living off it for the rest of my life.
I asked my dad the other day if he liked his job. He kind of paused for a moment and then said sure. He said that that's why people switch jobs so often, is because after they do something for so long they get tired of it. He's had his job for probably 25 years...wouldn't he get tired of it? I've always said that if you don't like your job, find another because there are plenty of jobs out there so you might as well try to find one you like. I suppose there are exceptions, such as sucky jobs you have to have when you're poor and need to pay for college or if you had children and had to support them, but these aren't long term positions so you know there are always prospects and moving on or moving up. But if you've had a job for 25 years it would be so hard to up and leave no matter how unhappy you are. Think of how controlling money can be. Strains on marriages, break-ups of friendships, and even a life of unhappiness just because you have to pay for things and can't survive without your crappy job. Mmmm...depressing. But if I ever get locked in a behind-the-desk, suit-wearing job please shoot me and remind me what it is I really love.
I think I'm going to go make myself look pretty...
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| cha-cha-cha-cha-changin' |
[06 May 2004|11:26pm] |
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mood |
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 awake |
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music |
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"Jesus, Lover of My Soul" Rob Graves |
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So, I guess this is it. My first year of college is officially over. Finals taken. Everything moved out of my former home. Friends gone. Everything complete...and yet not. I've watched these people I've grown so close to pack up their things and move halfway across the country. Will it be the same next year? No it never is. And this again goes back to the question of why do I care so much that it won't be? I should embrace the change.
I feel as if I exist in two different worlds. One is college; classes, college friends, college attitudes, college responsibility. The other is high school; my old high school friends, my old high school jokes, my old high school...non-responsibility. It is so strange now to be in between. College friends gone and high school friends having not yet arrived. Then there are the friends that overlap between both high school and college, although sometimes I think it's difficult for them to understand me because they try to make me the person I once was and that's just not the way it is anymore. Sounds like I should take some of my own advice.
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| I feel like I'm on droogies. |
[03 May 2004|12:34am] |
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mood |
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 listless |
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I'm very...mmm...unsettled right now. That's the best word I can think of to describe it. Maybe it's just me making up excuses for not studying but I simply just cannot focus no matter how hard I try. Sometimes I get this way and I hate it because it makes me useless and I start saying stupid things that don't make any sense just because I'm so zoned out.
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| Sweat, Bruises, and Turds |
[02 May 2004|02:05pm] |
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mood |
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 happy |
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music |
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Third Day "Love Song" |
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Wow, saw the biggest turd EVER in one of the stalls at Lazlo's. Discusting! Almost as discusting as me discussing it with ya'll now.
I have some awesome blindside pictures. Just comment if anyone wants to see them. Cost me two huge bruises and alot of sweat to get them but it was worth it.
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| Apparently, only in Nebraska do they have hamburger pizza. |
[02 May 2004|01:57am] |
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mood |
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 annoyed |
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music |
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Switchfoot "Breathe" |
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Everyday I realize how little I know about the Bible. I want to learn so much, I really do...but sometimes I just can't understand. I see people who know so much about the way things work and I want so badly to have that. But I only know what I know and I only know what I can understand. Some things in the Bible seem so complicated, but shouldn't they be simple. I know the important stuff, the things that allow me to have a relationship with Jesus and allow me to float on up to heaven when I die. The rest seems to go right over my head, all those legalistic topics.
People's relationships confuse me. A friend recently asked me what the difference would be, besides the physical aspect, of me dating someone and just being their friend. I don't know. I don't know what I want in a relationship like that, I only know what I don't want and I think that's okay. I don't want to have to worry about what their motives are. I don't want them to do or not do certain things just because of me. I don't want them to tell me that they love me.
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| "Bear Mountain, don't go changin'!" |
[30 Apr 2004|07:14pm] |
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mood |
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 content |
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music |
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Blindside "Sleepwalking" |
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I can't study until I get every other possible thing that I need to do done. I should've been studying today, but as usual, I worry way too little about tests. Instead I HAD to move all the rest of my crap from my dorm room home because it was bothering me so much to have half of my belongings in one place and the other half in another. And it just happened that everything was in the wrong place when I needed it.
The sinking feeling of change is beginning to set in as I realize the girl I spend every day with will no longer be by my side for the summer. Never fear, she'll be back next year. :) I'm happy about that but I'm going to miss her so much. She understands me. Those three words in themselves are enough to keep me content forever.
On a slightly more positive note, my other half will soon be returned to me. May 15th to be exact. Oh how happy am I! I don't know how it will be having her home. I'm sure it will be different, but as I'm teaching myself, different doesn't mean bad. Different simply means growing and becoming and learning.
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| Dreaming |
[30 Apr 2004|12:25am] |
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mood |
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 drained |
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music |
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Count the Stars "Brand New Skin" |
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I'm a dreamer. I have troubles putting things into perspective. I was the child who always got frustrated when things wouldn't work out after I tried and tried and tried. I assumed that there was always a way to accomplish what I wanted if I wanted it enough. When I realized I couldn't fix everything it was hard for me to keep hold of things. I wanted so much to change things, and I think I still can, it's just not as easy as I thought it would be when I was seven.
It's hard for me to see people that are so different than the way the used to be. Why do I crave the past so often? I want people to be who they once were and act as they once did. But how can I expect that when I myself have changed so dramatically even in the past few months? Then I start to get critical and chalk it all up to a few mistakes on their part or a "falling off of the wagon." But who am I to say that they've made mistakes when I seldom enter into their current life? Maybe they're better off than they were before, or maybe just more real and open.
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| Like a shiny red wagon |
[29 Apr 2004|12:51am] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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music |
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Mae "Summertime" |
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A brand new journal for a brand new summer and a brand new me. I need something fresh, something that doesn't seem to be disjointed or inconsistent. This journal will not be a log of things I have done today, because in the future, the fact that I worked today or studied will not matter. It is the thoughts that matter and the feelings, for without those the events are meaningless.
Why should I ever care what other people think or how they think I should act? If I have enough confidence in myself I won't. I am working on this. I am going to do what I want and what God wants and who is anyone else to tell me what I am doing wrong? If someone does so, I shall examine my motives and my actions and revise them if needed, but never change simply because someone tells me to do so.
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