a human

10:44pm: i'm such a mess and at this point, i wish i had someone to talk to. someone who knew the people involved enough to make comments but then again i want it to be someone who doesn't know the people involved so there's no chance of it leaking. my emotions vary back and forth whether i'm happy or think i'm settling. i even question why i'm happy - is it the person i'm with or just that i have someone? i wish i wasn't so confused but i'm afraid of the decision i'll make. it doesn't help that the person who could probably talk me thru this is the last person i should talk to.

8:22pm: i wish i wasn't so bored with my relationship. i wish my boyfriend had the slightest clue that i am. i wish i didn't keep thinking about one of my best friends (and his best friend) in a way i shouldn't be.

and i wish it made me feel guilty that i am instead of just flustered.

3:02pm: let me rise, let me fall. let me breathe - i wanna lose control, i'm not afraid to lose it all. let me break, let me crawl. cause i'll get back up again if you let me fall.

3:31pm: i know it's not january first, but i made some resolutions for this year. and really, i figure summer is probably the best time to start new projects since i have nothing else to do. well here they are:
1. get a job
2. firm my tummy :]
3. learn to dance
4. try my best when i go back to school
5. communicate better
6. try things i've never done
there are probably more, but that's all i've decided for right now. maybe i'll go start!

11:38pm: i took a bubble bath and played "land before time" with my old dinosaur toys. only the t-rex only eats birds and such and can thus be friends with the herbivores. kind of like chomper i suppose. the only thing is, it felt silly at first. i used to do that all the time but now my mind made up the story but i was hesitant to make the dinos act it out. imagination is lost as we get older. i don't want to lose mine. i do wish someone would get in the tub and play with me though :]

2:16am: ostentatious: characterized by or given to pretentious or conspicuous show in an attempt to impress others.
i don't dress the way i do to attract attention - that i do for me. but i do try to impress others with my personality because deep down i really do care what people think. i'm just not willing to fake it but i'll sure as hell make a show. when i'm not too shy to speak, that is.

1:39am: we continued on like that for a while. and yeah, i cried. but it was a cleansing cry - the refreshing kind. i mourned the loss of our friendship because i'm naive and just now accepted that it's never going to go back to the way it was. but i'm ok with that. i do have new friends here and perhaps i could have a new best friend if i stopped comparing everyone to carl. and maybe i had to let go of him to really move on and become the person i want to be - to branch out and actually try to make friends like i keep telling myself i need to. i had an emotional epiphany today and i feel truly better. the better i've been waiting on for three years. because i stopped waiting on him.

5:04pm: me: hey carl,
him: yeah?
me: we both know you're never going to come visit me.
him: if gas was free
me: no
me: because you've never mentioned it
him: yeah i have
me: no, i always tell you to come visit me.
me: but when it comes down to it, i haven't seen you in three years. i've hardly even talked to you but i keep wanting you to come visit or even want to and i need to stop waiting. because really my expectation is that you'll come down and snap back into being my best friend. and that's just dumb to wait for.
him: well we cant be besfriends
him: cuz if i come down i cant stay forever
me: yeah, i know.
me: but the point is you have friends up there, new friends that i used to be jealous of. but not so much anymore. so if you're down here you can always stay with me, but there's no point in making a trip just for me. we're not going to be best friends forever.
me: i'm okay with that.

i think at this point i really am.

3:05pm: i cry more over books than i do over humanity. i think i just like the characters better.

1:15am: i lie in truth boxes. not with evil intent, but just because i can.

12:42am: people think that heart break only comes from romance. i have been heart broken over the loss of a pet but i have never had my heart broken by romance. however, my heart beaks a little each time i talk to my (ex) best friend. especially when i say we haven't kept in touch and he says "you moved, i stayed - that's not my fault." so i bitterly reply "well you forgot about me as soon as i moved." and he says "that's what happens when people aren't there." how come i never forgot him? how come i can't?

5:05pm: it's strange that i could be so happy talking to one person on instant messenger. when he's on i don't feel like i need to talk to anyone else; if my boyfriend was on i don't even know if i'd message him. he just understands me, we have so much in common. each time i talk to him i get to know him more and i'm increasingly drawn to this person i'm getting to know. we're so comfortable talking to each other - he can give me advice about anything and tell me about how he was drunk and couldn't get it up. it's never awkward. but at the same time i always think of the first time we met. we were at the party and when i saw him i loved him. not in a crazy naive love at first sight way. i just thought there is an incredibly gorgeous boy who looks down to earth. he would still probably never talk to me. i was so awkward and shy. i still am. but the next day he imed me and said his friend thought he knew me. i've never heard of him. but we started talking about anything and everything - from music to mario brothers and gosh, i love this boy! i've only met him once since then and yet i feel so attached to him it's mad. he once told me that he liked me when we first met too. and i still have a silly crush on the gorgeous boy i saw. it'll obviously never become anything, but he's like my own secret that no one will ever know - not even him. and especially not my boyfriend!