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Friday, October 16th, 2009
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11:38 pm - sadness
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sometimes i can't bear to watch people interact with their fathers. sometimes i'm jealous. i miss him. i haven't thought of him much lately. hardly at all in fact. he woulda been 44 a few days ago. i wonder what he would've looked like. or been like. if he'd be the same. or worse. or better. I miss Bear and Tori too. They were such wonderful dogs. They loved me. they loved everyone. but I guess I like it when i'm loved. I forget sometimes. i forget what im worth, or if i'm worth anything. i forget if im somebody or nobody. my dogs always thought i was somebody. Sky thinks im somebody. Not kitty though. I dont like he too much. but i love her anyway.
Im okay really. Im just thinking, thats all. Dont get worried when you read these. You probably wont see them for a few weeks anyway.
have a good night or day. im gonna go sleep. i'll see you tomorrow. we're going to the movies.
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| Sunday, July 26th, 2009
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11:18 pm
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I looked across the room at him tonight and knew instantly in my heart that we have no chance. His eyes don't follow me as mine do him, his smile doesn't seem to brighten just for me... I don't know if he can ever belong to anyone. As we drove home, I slowly shut my mind down, terrifed to even think about him, to let his face cross my mind else risk bursting into tears. It's what I do. I shut every emotion out because it's so much easier just to not feel than it is to cope with the rises, falls and changes of character that come with my age. But slowly, I realize the necessity to feel... the things you miss because your heart doesn't leap when an act of kindness is formed, or you don't scream in the most terrifying of movies. Your conscience stabs with guilt with every smile, knowing that it's all a lie because inside, you're really dying. You are what everyone wants to see.
So in that brief moment, when I realized our impossibility, a cascade of thoughts overtook everything around me. I'll always be second, I hate that I'm like this, I wish I could kiss him... but foremost of them all, standing out as orange amidst all the gray, was the thought, THERE WILL BE SOMEONE ELSE. My knees to me chin, I held my words, in disbelief, never had I felt that way. In growing up, with all my doubt, in all my years of wallowing in pity, it was the first warm thought I'd had in such an instance. To think of someone else... to feel that I deserve something better... it is in every way, unprecedented.
current mood:  contemplative
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| Tuesday, June 9th, 2009
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10:28 pm - ...rain
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Rain pounded the window pane to her bedroom, casting shadows of traveling drops upon her face, making it appear that she is crying. She traces their patterns of movement upon her window with a single finger, smiling ever so faintly as a memory flickers across her mind. A day as a child when she had looked to the sky, willing it to rain because she was sad, because she had wanted the world to be as depressed as she in that moment. Instead, the sun had shone as bright as ever, defying her pleas with it beautiful brilliance.
Yet today, the dreary skies mimicked her dark mood, the clouds looking like angry monsters looming on the horizon, and the trees casting long shadows across her lawn, so dark that they hid whatever fell in the way. She longed to go back to before. Back to when the only problems that surfaced where those that consisted of her brothers incessant teasing, and what the boy two rows in front of her though about her hair. They were petty… yet so simple in the utmost of ways. Why must she face such difficult dilemmas now? No training had been given, no how to’s on what to do come the transition to adulthood. Every decision that lay before her was to be based solely on what she desired, what she felt was best, what she wanted. What happens if she doesn’t know those things? The answers to everything are still so blurred… how is she supposed to know what’s best? She had been told what to do her entire life, every decision made for her, and now, with no precedent set, she is finally granted the privilege of freedom when she desires it least of all. It terrifies her so that all she finds she can do is sit in her room, watching the rain fall in torrents, questioning who exactly it is that she wants to be… and gathering the courage necessary to begin her long journey into adulthood.
current mood:  scared
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| Tuesday, April 14th, 2009
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11:10 pm - hate
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I hate my dad.. I hate what he did to me. I hate that he killed himself, and just left us. i dont get why i wasn't good enough. I feel worthless. and useless. like noone could ever truly love me... if my own father didnt even love me enough. I hate him.
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| Sunday, March 29th, 2009
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2:07 pm
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So I'm sick. I'm better, but still sick. And this time it's not because Eric and Crystal are being all mushy gooshy. Did ya get that? I almost had a heart attack 'cause she came over and asked what I was doing. Anyways. I'm kinda bored and Eric told me that since I'm sick, I can't be anywhere but in my room, which is where I've been the whole weekend, sleeping. He and crystal are gonna watch some TV and so that means I'm not allowed to be up there. They're perverted dirtbag dillweeds. So... we haven't posted on here in awhile. I kinda made a LiveJournal and have been posting on that. It's cool. bye.
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| Thursday, February 26th, 2009
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11:26 pm
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I'm FURIOUS. SO many different things. I'm angry that I can't call you right now to tell you I'm angry, angry that I have to do this dang cleaning job when all the stupid doctors do is complain. Angry at COLE mostly. I don't know why it's suddenly come on. I know.. another post about Cole. But this is different. I'm ANGRY this time. Angry that he won't talk to me, angry that I can't hang out with him, angry that he makes me feel so awesome when I hang out with him, angry that I like him so much and can't DO anything about it, angry that my mom keeps telling me I'm too young... whatever that means. Angry because the people that least deserve it always get what they want, angry because I can't just seem to get a firm grip on life, and angry because I'm so angry. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!! I DON"T DESERVE TO FEEL THIS WAY!!!
As a side note, I'll be okay, I just have these moments everyonce and a while. Welcome to my life.
current mood:  angry
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Saturday, February 14th, 2009
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12:42 pm - I hate feelings
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seriously. I dont know what it is about Ty, but apparently I still have an idotic thing for him. He sent me an email, and my heart jumped through the roof, and I was all happy and dancing, and putting on music, before I even re4ad the email, then after i read it, i was all happy again. ERGHHHH!!!!
current mood:  annoyed
current music: Spin me right round- depeche mode
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, February 4th, 2009
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11:08 am - I believe
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~taking risks are what makes life worth living~
~worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but you never get anywhere~
~every moment should be treasured~
~a first kiss should never be forgotten~
~even the smallest gestures open up for a wide world of hope and love~
~being active makes for a happier life~
~the quality, not the quantity, matters most~
~small changes can make a difference~
~in being nice to everyone, no matter who they are, or what they do~
~in comfortable shoes~
~that there's someone special for everyone~
~that time can change a lot things, and not always for the better~
~that you should give your best~
~I believe that good friends are worth the time it takes for them to come by~
That's all I can come up with for now, sorry, my minds not at it's best when I'm sick, and tired.
~Ashley Lucia~
current mood:  sick
current music: none
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, February 3rd, 2009
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2:37 pm - Things I believe... very strongly
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~Knowledge must be commited to the heart before one can commit it to mind.
~The song you listen to at the begining of the day can set a persons attitude for the days events.
~Nobody really changes, they just become better at living with who they are
~Writing down your problems and ideas cannot be exchanged for sharing them with others.
~They guy is supposed to ask, not the girl.
~Gender doesn't determine who is better at a task, just who society believes should perform it.
~Experience is worth much more than knowledge.
~Despite the literal meaning of the word "perfect", there IS a perfect person for everyone.
~There are no stupid, smart, skilled, or unskilled, just those who learn faster than others.
~Wisdom isn't about the abundance of knowledge, it's about how you make application of what you know.
~Just because a person's face is symetrical doesn't mean they're beautiful. A person can be ugly and still have a symetrical face.
~Half the things you learn in highchool, you really don't need to know.
~Farting is not gross, it's a miracle that allows us to live with comfort.
There are more things I believe but these are all I could think of for right now. Your turn. What are some things YOU believe very strongly? Make a list.
current mood:  pensive
current music: Find a New Way- Young Love
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Saturday, January 24th, 2009
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2:18 pm - new poem
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by the way, forget that last post. i was angry, it's no big deal.
Standing at the crossroads
Of six different paths,
My mind floods with questions
Of love and the like,
All inevitably leading
To the most haunting thought,
This life that I've led,
Will it ever be real?
Painted facades and sculpted habits
Liter the steps of my feet.
The girl sees the woman
Which I have become
And she cries
As she tries not to ask,
"This person you are
The monster I see,
Are you going to end up
As me?"
I tell her the truth,
Sharing my darkened heart
With little regret;
"I'm just another face
In the crowd,
Hiding behind shadows and frowns.
The smile you see
In my eyes
Does not match
The pain in my heart
Or regret in my mind.
I see who I am
And what I've become,
My imperfections
Have never escaped me.
This destruction was caused
By the judgemental eyes
Of those disguised
As my peers.
Your life will become
A carnival mirror,
Distorting your shattered remains.
It's always too fat,
Too ugly,
Too old,
Forever wishing i could be
Someone else.
It took years to learn
To smile again,
Thousands of compliments
To feel close to beautiful.
Now, I'm stuck at these paths again
Wondering which way to go.
While I stand here,
Alone and unsure,
The eyes...
They start to come back.
I feel their stares,
So critical,
As pieces of me begin to fall.
So be careful,
I warn you.
Be proud to be you.
Don't be fooled
By the worlds hopeful lies,
Or it's welcoming arms.
The traps are all there,
Within reach of sight.
So carefully tread,
And fearlessly fight."
I turn from the girl,
Struggling to stand.
Fighting my way
Towards the six different paths.
With my stumbling gait
Battered, I walk
In search of a future
With better light.
Through bloodied teeth
A smile breaks forth,
And laughter suddenly bubbles up.
Emotions, forgotten
Come to the fore
As I scream to the world,
"I AM YOUR PRISONER
NO MORE!!!"
current mood:  blank
current music: Everything by Lifehouse
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Friday, January 23rd, 2009
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7:36 pm - Pssht
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I'm so irritated right now. I was sitting down to watch a movie and grabbed a folding chair, which I unfolded and set on the ground. I though it was fully unfolded and so I let it go... but it wasn't and it hit my moms wine glass, full of RED WINE, knocking it over. Purely accidental. BUT my mother, being the person she is, leaps up and SCREAMS at me about how stupid I am, how clumsy I am (which frankly we all know), and shoves me into a wall. I slam into it, my head hits the wall, and I fall on the floor, more angry than hurt. I get up and instead of verbally attacking her, go downstairs so my temper doesn't get the best of me. She then FOLLOWS me, and continues to berate me, telling me how stupid I was to do that and that I need to go clean up MY mess because it's all my fault. All I want to do at this point is open up on her and rip up one side and down the other... but no, I keep my mouth shut and let her scream at me so it'll be her that owes the apology, not me. So now I'm sitting down here, alone as they watch the movie and laugh. Once again, it's all my fault.
current mood: irritated
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| Monday, January 12th, 2009
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7:44 pm - SMACK!!
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I Have found a new..... I dont know what you call it. Pass time maybe.... ALex Gaskarth. I think he's a semi good singer, whose songs always make me wanna dance, I also really like the relationship between him and Jack last name something Bakarat, it reminds me of Me and kayla and you, or like me and Emily Ogle when we're high on Pixie Sticks.
ANyway, Onto the news, this week job interview on wednesday, kinda nervous, i'll keep you updated. I also need to get this whole saturday night girls or guys thing together.
MOLDY SMARTIES ROCKS!!!!
How dare he not send it to me...?
Do you ever get sick of me?
I get sick of myself alot, I can't help, how do you guys not grow sick of me. You must, but just say you dont.
I like to imagine alot of people read this, and im semi famous because of my online blog. But really its just a bunch of hypocritical psycho babble. with bits of poetry that you submit, and i like to pretend i submit.
Im gonna go dream dreams of All Time Lows Alex Gaskarth.... Not really, im gonna go watch Big Bang Theory, and then How I Met Your Mother.
This is Ashley, founder of Sahara Records, and co-found of the Majestically Regal Bamboozler's, signing off, until next time, don't forget to tie your shoes. and always brush your teeth.
current mood:  amused
current music: talking to you on the phone
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| Monday, December 29th, 2008
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11:34 am - The ParTAY
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Hmmm okay. So the party last night? Kinda lame. Hung out with mercades and her friend most of the time, we talked. She's having a party and is gonna invite us. She really likes you guys a lot, told me so herself. Shem being Shem put on all Latin music... salsa, merengue, stuff I didn't know how to dance to. I tried, and a spanish guy tried to help me but I'm really just a lost cause. I danced with a fairly goodlooking latino guy, an odd goofy guy from portland, and Owen Erin. Then the song came on where it's like, "jump two times, stomp right once" and all that and I failed miserably at that too. I danced to one regular song then I had to leave. That was it for dancing. I talked to Tony too, the one from Florida. He's pretty awesome. He's pretty fluent in Sign language and so every time he talked to me, he'd sign in addition, or just sign and not talk because he knew I had a hard time understanding it. He's pretty funny. He asked if I was going out in service today and I told him I could if he wanted me to and he said I should so we could work together and so I went but they didn't show up. So I worked with Brit instead and came home really early 'cause she had to work. She invited me to a formal she's having, I was really surprised. That's all for now. This is Emily the Strange, reporting live for Sahara productions, back to you Asha.
current mood:  artistic
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| Thursday, December 18th, 2008
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4:49 pm - Most Spectacular
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I have the MOST amazing and awesome idea.... I'm not gonna tell you what it is, just in case I don't follow through on it, but expect something awesome, and possibly big.... I might have some done by next time we see each other or hang out, idk. I will probably start working on it tonight. But it will be great, and you will enjoy it. Okay. Sorry for the mysterious entry.
~The One and ONLY....-----...... ASHLEY
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, December 17th, 2008
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12:25 am - Untitled
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Have you ever wished you could shout out a question or a random thought to the world and have someone hear you and just understand automatically? It's nights like these in which I have the desire... when no one else is up and it's so quiet I can hear the silence buzzing. I want to find some person that doesn't know me and just share everything with them. My whole life, from MY point of view, while at the same time asking them questions about myself and the world that they just suddenly, inexplicably, have the answers to. I'm so tired of these questions buzzing around in my head... the decisions I have to make following in my wake. I wish someone would just tell me who to be and what to do so I would never have to worry about it again. But then again... that wouldn't be life, now would it?
current mood: contemplative
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| Saturday, December 13th, 2008
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1:02 pm - The Game
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Emilio, sharing her thoughs.
I just watched JJ's Video... and it was kinda weird. It wasn't horrible, but the only reason I even continued to listen to it was 'cause I wanted to try to understand exactly what the song was about. The pauses kind of made lose interest. So odd. Anyways... I don't really have anything else to talk about. I should've gone out in service today. My hand smells like onions. I ned to go get ready for work. Oh and... you totally didn't catch up with me on youtube, I'm still ahead of you.
current mood:  lethargic
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| Friday, December 12th, 2008
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10:51 pm
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In a world
Of boundless hopes
A child treads
The path of life
Entranced by infinte sights
Entertainted by simple pursuits
She dances
A top a hill
Only to findBelow her
Numerous paths
Twist and crawl
Across the stretch
Of adolescence
She trips hedalong
Onto a treacherous path
Marked with faukts
And gaps
That leave her hanging
She is forced
To look at every detail
And scrutinize
Her every step
As the ever daunting
Mountain of adulthood
Looms on the horizon
She cries out
Fearful
As she sees things
That don't exist
Terrified
She finds herself
At the base
Of the rest of her life
And struggles on
Searching for answers\To questions
She never wanted to ask
In teh first place
current mood:  full
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8:34 pm - okay
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I know im writing alot of these things. i cant help it, its just boring here, and im not in a movie watching mood. maybe i should just go to bed. but i want you to call me...
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7:41 pm - If
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if you felt a certain way
for a certain someone
you knew you would do anything
just for a single chance
if you knew you had a problem
one that always prevented you
from getting what it was
that you always wanted
if you thought that you'd
never have the oppurtunity
to feel the way
that so many others felt eveyday
if you saw them all so happy
and you, yourself was sad
then relax a bit and know
that you are not alone.
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7:37 pm - yuk
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I have cramps... early too. im not supposed to start till next week. That means im gonna have a cramp filled week all the way till I start my period. men have it easy.
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