Ashes

History

22nd April 2003

1:07am: RIP Baby girl!
Words will never do the love that one person feels for another any justice. Therefore, these words are but a mere reflection of my love.

As I stood beside her hospital bed, just staring down at her... I wondered how something like this could happen to someone so young and so sweet. I couldn't help but smile as I remembered the good times we had. She was always ready to fight for me at the drop of a hat and she was always watching over me; just waiting for the chance to help me out or give me a little bit of advice. I looked up to her in so many ways.

I can't help but think about why this is even happening to her. She is so beautiful; even now. I feel like I am letting go of a friend, someone I looked up to, someone I love, and most of all...my big sister. It hurts to know that things will never be the same. Remembering the better times makes me sorry that we didn't take the time to have more; but forgetting those times makes her fade from my life even faster. You will never fade baby girl. Not in a million years. She has affected me with her unfailing love, just like she affected many others. She is loved now more than ever before and she will never be forgotten.

Me, on the other hand, I expected her to pull through. She was such a fighter. I guess I couldn't believe that something so bad could happen to her. She was so beautiful and sweet. Bad things don't happen to those kind of people. I am hurting so bad. My whole body is unresponsive to the world. It's...numb. I can't find peace with myself and God doesn't seem to be hearing my prayers.

Help me.

-( To Leah: It will be a while until I see you again. I'll miss your crazy ass. I know you are up there chilling with your baby. I'll take care of Ricky for ya. Just...watch over me. You know how irresponsible I am. For God's sake, just keep me from doing anything stupid. I will miss you...so much. You're my sister and...until I see you again, keep tokin'. )-
Current Mood: numb
Current Music: "Angel" by Sarah McLachlan
10:16pm: Uncertainty.
It's funny how I feel like my emotions are uncontrollable right now. I cry when I feel like there are no tears left and...I laugh at things that aren't even funny. I have this...enormous pressure weighing down on me because of this eulogy I have to write for Leah's funeral. I don't know what to say...and I don't even know if I will be able to speak without breaking down. I feel like no one will ever be able to love me like Leah did. Therefore, there is this huge empty space in my heart that is unable to be filled.

Oh wow...that was nice...nevermind...

I have to go to school for tommorow only and then I don't have to go for the rest of the week. So I am very happy for that. Anyway...I just wanted to check in with you guys and tell you all what's up.

ONE MORE DAY UNTIL MY BIRTHDAY!

-kelsey.
Current Music: "Her Middle Name Was Boom" by Glassjaw
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