Ashes

10:16pm: Uncertainty.
It's funny how I feel like my emotions are uncontrollable right now. I cry when I feel like there are no tears left and...I laugh at things that aren't even funny. I have this...enormous pressure weighing down on me because of this eulogy I have to write for Leah's funeral. I don't know what to say...and I don't even know if I will be able to speak without breaking down. I feel like no one will ever be able to love me like Leah did. Therefore, there is this huge empty space in my heart that is unable to be filled.

Oh wow...that was nice...nevermind...

I have to go to school for tommorow only and then I don't have to go for the rest of the week. So I am very happy for that. Anyway...I just wanted to check in with you guys and tell you all what's up.

ONE MORE DAY UNTIL MY BIRTHDAY!

-kelsey.

1:07am: RIP Baby girl!
Words will never do the love that one person feels for another any justice. Therefore, these words are but a mere reflection of my love.

As I stood beside her hospital bed, just staring down at her... I wondered how something like this could happen to someone so young and so sweet. I couldn't help but smile as I remembered the good times we had. She was always ready to fight for me at the drop of a hat and she was always watching over me; just waiting for the chance to help me out or give me a little bit of advice. I looked up to her in so many ways.

I can't help but think about why this is even happening to her. She is so beautiful; even now. I feel like I am letting go of a friend, someone I looked up to, someone I love, and most of all...my big sister. It hurts to know that things will never be the same. Remembering the better times makes me sorry that we didn't take the time to have more; but forgetting those times makes her fade from my life even faster. You will never fade baby girl. Not in a million years. She has affected me with her unfailing love, just like she affected many others. She is loved now more than ever before and she will never be forgotten.

Me, on the other hand, I expected her to pull through. She was such a fighter. I guess I couldn't believe that something so bad could happen to her. She was so beautiful and sweet. Bad things don't happen to those kind of people. I am hurting so bad. My whole body is unresponsive to the world. It's...numb. I can't find peace with myself and God doesn't seem to be hearing my prayers.

Help me.

-( To Leah: It will be a while until I see you again. I'll miss your crazy ass. I know you are up there chilling with your baby. I'll take care of Ricky for ya. Just...watch over me. You know how irresponsible I am. For God's sake, just keep me from doing anything stupid. I will miss you...so much. You're my sister and...until I see you again, keep tokin'. )-

1:48am: Aww.

-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which
means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're
the kind of chick that can hang out with your
boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't
care about presents or about going to fancy
placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy
being around your boyfriend.


What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
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12:21am: Easter sucked.
Well, I got dressed around 5 AM to go to Sunrise Service at church. I figured that I should go to church on Easter just to make my mother happy. Anyway, I made it through the church service, then I snuck out to the car, leaned the seat back and went to sleep while they watched the Easter drama and ate breakfast afterward. My mom griped at me when she found me sleeping in the car, but oh well. She got over it.

I didn't see Leah today, but I talked to her dad and I found out that they signed release papers on her. I am so...pissed off. By signing the release papers, they have stopped the hospital from giving her any medication to treat her when her blood pressure drops. Therefore, the risk of losing her is MUCH greater than before. I feel...really empy inside. I have lost so many people...I just don't know what I will do if I lose Leah. I hate to even think about it, but the matter is at hand and I have to face the music.

As my Harley-driving preacher told me this morning, whatever happens is God's will and I have to trust that, even though I may not be the most religious person.

I am so...tired and emotionally drained. I need rest, but...everytime I try to go to sleep I can't do it for all the thoughts running through my head. It's a non-stop thing; my mind never rests. I have black circles under my eyes, I look like I am strung out on crack, and I can't possibly think. I have no idea how I will pass the last 5 weeks of school. I just have to deal with this.

Things will get better.

-Kelsey.

2:43pm: The concert.
Well, I woke up and went to the church to pray for Leah. I thought it would be a pretty good way to start off my day. It was refreshing, considering the fact that I have never received much pleasure from waking up early in the morning to go to church. After that, I went and picked up crawfish and carried them to the concert where I met Chris, Sabrina, Jenny, Ethan, and Mikey. The concert was kick bootay, but I got there a little bit late so that sucked. The best band there was probably...oh gr. I dunno. They were all frickin' awesome. Jive, Momento, FORTY PERCENT, Trust Company...they were all great. I really had an awesome time. We left there at like 6 PM and went back to Chris' apartment to chill and hang out for a while then I came hom at like... 8:45. OH! Get this load of...crap. I got to meet the guy from Jive, Joe and I commented him on his bass. So, he was like, " Well, wanna come and see my whole collection?" and I was like, " Yeah, sure. Sounds cool." So..I went on the tour bus and looked at his collection for about ten minutes and just talked, then as I was getting off of the frickin' bus, these girls called me a GROUPIE! Oh my god, it pissed me off so bad. You really have no idea. Chris had to come and get me and make me sit down before I got into a fight with those preppy ho-bags. I don't even know why they were there in the first place. -sighs-

Anyway...that was my exciting day. Yay. I got autographs on my school I.D. and my tummy. Oh and on my ticket stub. I had fun.

-Kelsey

7:41pm: Practice.
Oh gr. I was practicing today ( ON GOOD FRIDAY. Can you believe it? ) and I totally spaced out because I was filling in for Lori Ann in the outfield while Coach played Second. Anyway, I spaced out, got a pop hit my way and totally missed it. She made me do slides for 30 minutes and oh my gah, I have dirt rash all over the side of my leg, hip, and butt because If I didn't do them right she yelled out me. Oh well, they will go away. I am soooo tired, though.

I watched House of a 1000 Corpses last night and I almost threw up. I had my web cam turned on and I was making funny faces because it was SO nasty and Lucas was laughing his butt off at me. Oh well, it was kind of funny to me too. Anyway, I am about to go to the hospital to see Leah. I will be back later.

Much love.

-kelsey.

10:55pm: Beautiful girls.
I HATE them. I can't even pick up a magazine these days without seeing some sexy-fied girl all dressed up in expensive clothes with make-up piled on to perfection. If they weren't so freakin' pretty, then i wouldn't be thought of as so frickin' ugly. Ya know?

Anyway...On to brighter subjects. I went out to eat with friends and the waiter came by and he smiled at me and said, " Hey sweetie. Can I get your order?" And oh my gah! It wasn't a "Hey sweetie" in a grandfather-ish kind of way. It was a "Hey sweetie! How you doin' " LMAO! I blushed and I was like, " Um...cheesecake?" LMAO! I am such a dork. If I was cool and confident, I would have been like, " Are you included on the menu?" GRRRRRRRR! Lordy mercy. I am such a nerd. I wish I could be one of those cool, suave girls who have that way of turning everything they see or/and touch into gold. Oh well...I will get over it. I am whining like the emo kid I am.

-Cheers up-

IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY!!!!!

-Kelsey

1:51am: NIN

-Hurt-
I hope you know this is my FAVORITE nine inch nails
song. Many people have left your life.. and it
seems that every time you are hurt even more.
Sometimes you consider killing everyone that's
ever hurt you, but deep down you know that you
care too much to do that. You are always there
waiting for them to come back into your life,
and would give them everything you have if they
did.. but you know you're just going to
disappoint them.


What Nine Inch Nails song are you?
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9:34pm: Just a bad day.
What more could possibly go wrong in one young girl's lifetime? I am not even an adult yet and....I am so f**cking traumatized from losing people. If I lose any more friends to death, I might lose myself. Leah is like my sister, in fact, as far as I am concerned that girl IS my sister. I'm just...so crazy with confusion. What would I do if I lost her? And if I do lose her, who will be there to comfort me in the end? Chris? Probably not. He has his own problems to deal with. My sister? She would be in the same boat. Friends at school? Ha. They are too far stuck up their own asses to even see past my fake smile. I am so close to the edge right now and the only emotion that I can possibly feel right now is confusion. I am going to go lay down and chill out. I can hardly breathe and I STILL have not gotten that inhaler prescription filled.

-Kelsey.

10:21pm: Oh wee.
So, I got locked in a car today. Didn't think about climbing out through the frickin' window. My new friend Lucas laughed at me. Bleh. Lucas <3333333

Anyway...So my day was pretty boring. I got asked to prom, but refused very politely, of course. I'm just a wittle freshman. Geez. Oh and now I was just informed that I spelled BLURTY wrong on my AOL profile. Haha. How funny. Let's all make fun of the ditz. God...i'm too damn hyper.

I need to go to bed. Tommorow is a new day of FUN! Wee! I'm acting like an IDIOT.

-Kelsey

8:40pm: First entry.
Hmph. These things were getting really trendy and...everyone ELSE had one so...I thought I would get one too, because I am a trendy fuck. Yeah...not really, but ANYWAY. Chris is supposed to be bringing me so god damn cheese cake and he hasn't done it yet. It is 8:41 PM and I am still waiting. Gr. Anyway...talk to you guys later.

Love,
Ashes.