please    03:34am 21/04/2008   lyrics on liking someone you shouldnt or having feelings for someone even though its wrong? besides that "jesses girl" song please. thanks so much!         think of me       08:02am 28/11/2006   i never exspected me to be in love. i was honestly feelingless and so detaching it was unbelievable. when i said i had a boyfriend my friends and family were all shocked. not that you were my first one, but my first one in a while. and everyone knew that i planned on staying single and living it up for as long as possible. you and i knew each other for two long years. never did i think youd be the one to break down the wall i put up around my heart. when you came to my graduation party, the first time i saw you in ages, you looked amazing. i was speechless, and thats a big thing for me. i flirted with you the whole time, totally forgetting that you used to date my best friend. luckily for me, she didnt care. when we were talking about hanging out, for the first time in a long time, i was nervous. i had butterflies before you came to pick me up. and then the whole time we were in the movies i couldnt stop thinking about how badly i just wanted to kiss you. when we held hands my whole body got tingly. then you came back to my house and stayed until almost 2am. when we finally kissed, i knew this was different. two days later you were my boyfriend. i hadnt called anyone boyfriend or even taken a boy seriously in years. and at first, everyone was shakey, even you and i about how things would be. but, look at us now. engaged. in love. i couldnt be happier and i dont think i could ever express the joy you put in my life. you touch me in ways i have never felt before. you make me feel beautiful and you are always there for me. you are nothing short of perfect. i cannot wait until our wedding day. its going to be amazing. you are my other half. my soulmate. i love you, fred. more then words could ever say.         think of me       01:04am 17/11/2006   fred is probably the best thing that has ever happened to me. next to my little brother. i love him.         think of me   posting old entries    04:02pm 26/10/2006   she never could get drunk enough to get him off her mind this will sound overly sappy. this will be one of those letters that you never wanted to receive that i never wanted to send. so i probably wont. this will make you want to deny emotions even more, and laugh as loud as you can. this will make your blood boil and your face light up in flames. cecause somewhere inside, i know you can feel it, too. being so far away from someone never hurt as much as it does with you. i will walk to you everyday for the rest of my life if I have to. i would expect you to forget me, but i would appreciate it if you tried not to, see i kind of think of you more than you can believe. i want you to hold me like you did before and i want you to tell me how you feel. i want people to see us when were kissing and say, "you guys are in love." i want to get piggy back rides, and i want to hug you until you pass out. i want to talk about running away with you, being completely serious about it. i want this, and i want that. i want you, i want you everytime, everywhere, everyday. i want to talk to you on the phone at nighttime and hear your voice before i go to sleep. and i, i... i just want to be with you more. i just want to kiss you again. i just want you to never let go of me. i want you to kiss me on the forehead, and i want you to give me the middle finger. i want you to worry when im away and i want you to touch me. i want you to know how i feel and feel that way, too. i dont want you to be surprised that i like you anymore. i want you to believe in me again. well beat the doubters anyday. i continue to dream of you and it only makes me wonder. so much time has passed by that it can easily be forgotten. i just want you to know that im still here thinking of you. i hope life has treated you kind and that you sit and wonder with me. ill never let anyones heart go where mines been. ps- im sorry whenever i talk to you i always draw a blank or dont have the right words. Note To Self; i had a dream that you still cared enough to try. i woke up able to breathe freely for the first time in a while.         think of me   posting old entries    04:01pm 26/10/2006   ugh, unsent letter When have you ever done anything for me that wouldnt benefit yourself? Wow, on Monday you bought me a drink, thats great, really. But when have you actually just put shit aside to do something for me? No, this is not me being jealous, paranoid, obsessive. Maybe I wouldnt be such a "leech" if you actually showed me some affection every once in a while. But you cant do that can you? So many people have told me to just end it. But so many people arent me, and so many people arent you. I wish that some people were talking to you, from my perspective, because Im obviously not doing a good job with that. I constantly buy into all of your lies. I cant do that anymore. If theres a lot of shit on your mind that you dont want to tell me, then I could say I have a lot of shit on my mind that I dont want to tell you. What ever happened to wanting to make this work? Was that a load of horse shit too? I dont need anymore of your lines or your bullshit lies, or your attempts to drift away from the relationship and cut it off guilt free. I trusted you. I TRUSTED YOU to act like a man, to tell me whats what. But..youre not doing that are you? Are you really so trapped in your own bubble that you have decided to neglect all of my feelings? You just dont understand because everything is about you. YOU decide whether or not were still together. YOU decide when we want to hang out. YOU decide to do what you want to do when you want to do it. YOU decide whether or not my issues are important enough. Its pathetic how much you are hurting me. I thought it was you who was working to be with me and now Im doing all this work to hold the relationship together. relationships..theyre not one way streets. You need to have it going both ways, but I dont see that. I may be victimizing myself in this, but what other choice do I have? Youre either at your best or at your worst. There is never an in between. Do you realize how much youre hurting me by doing everything you've been doing? I dont think so. And would you care if you did realize? I want to leave you alone to give you some time to cool down, but I cant do that if I am in the process of thinking these things. Do you want that guilt free break-up? Take it. Take it. Do you want to see me cry? You cant take that. I wont let this kill me anymore, I wont be made a fool because Im the only one who cares to work this out. To think, I believed you when you said you were different, I sold in to everything you said, that every other guy has ever said to me in hopes that you would be different. What happened to the time when you used to treat me with love and respect? What happened to that time? I thought you said you loved me, but your actions say otherwise. Tell me what you want. You want something so stop saying you dont want anything. What you want in terms of me. All that I have ever asked from you is that you show me some affection. You didnt do that well, or I wouldnt have been suffocating you, trying to get something out of you. And now this. This I cant take. I need to get this across before you do something that IM going to regret. A relationship is a full-time job. for it to work, you HAVE to be able to work with me. You have to show me some love, you have to be considerate of my feelings like I am of yours, you have to be willing to choose me over some things like Ive been willing to choose you over others. What are you going to do with this? Take me for who I am. And if you care at all, then keep me, and do what I said to be fixed. But you know youre such a rebel that you wouldnt do what I "told" you to do right? Well start growing up. I dont want to be in a relationship with someone who doesnt care about me. Note To Self ; People only care about themselves.         think of me   posting old entries    04:00pm 26/10/2006   first love. The loss, my loss, wasnt easy. It wasnt sudden or obvious. There were no flashing neon signs or announcements made over the loudspeaker in the grocery store to tell me what was happening. Maybe I was clueless. Maybe I was naive or in love. Maybe I never really had him at all. In the beginning, I was nearly scared to death of the idea of losing him. Just the thought of forgetting how to make him laugh or never hearing him whisper a secret again caused my heart to drop to the floor and melt in a puddle right under my shoes. I had never felt that way before, and to tell you the truth, I was terrified. He made me happy and nervous and crazy all at the same time. I was the first person he called every morning and every night before he went to bed, and the only one who knew how he felt about this and that. He talked to my parents and my little brother to catch up, and he surprised me with little cute things that he did every once in a while. He meant everything to me, and I only assumed I meant everything to him. I guess I was wrong. I was thinking about it today, how we met. Its true what they say, all things happen for a reason. I guess Ive learned a lot from this. I just wish it didnt have to be so hard. I never thought it was possible to lose someone while you still constantly saw them. I guess I just thought I would never part from someone standing right beside me, but I have. I remember it clearly, exactly how it all started. It was the beginning of my sophomore year of Delsea high school. My sixth class of the day came around, lunch, and I was ecstatic to see a very cute boy was in my lunch. At the time, the star of this storys name meant nothing to me, and his face was barely recognizable. Soon enough, my talkative mouth got me the chance to talk to him online. I thought nothing of it until we spoke in person. We immediately connected, and within a few hours our quite obvious chemistry grew. We became inseparable. I dont think people really understood our relationship, but I think thats what we both liked about it. It was ours and only ours. We laughed at things no one else understood. We even developed a way of communicating just by glancing at one another. We knew more about each other then we knew about ourselves. It was the most amazing relationship Ive ever been in. Now, almost two years later, Im sitting here at 2:30 in the morning on some idle Monday, well Tuesday, thinking of him, the person who, after more than a year of sharing secrets, sharing laughs, and sharing unforgettable moments that only can be mentioned between the two of us, has disappeared from my life in a quick flash. I wish I could say that I didnt know what happened, but I do. I remember when he first started getting bored. I thought it was just a phase, but I was wrong. Our daily phone calls became weekly, and there seemed to be a strain in our relationship that wasnt there before. I could tell he was hiding things, things that he knew I didnt want to know about. It was an awful, sudden feeling. I didnt understand how we could go from what we had to becoming practically strangers. I began to miss him, the him I knew. I saw him everyday but it didnt seem real. I cant really explain it. I think I saw it in his eyes the most. They never really looked at me, only passed me. His smiles became fake. In fact, everything about him became fake. His smile changed; it was more practiced. He walked with more confidence but not the good kind. He was gone. I constantly thought about him. I felt like I was losing such a part of me. I guess I was in some aspects. I thought about the good times. I still try to. Now I looked passed him like hes a stranger. He is a stranger. Im not mad or sad or jealous. Im just numb. Looking back, Im surprised at the reaction I had. My heart didnt drop to the ground. It didnt break or crack or splatter into a million pieces. I felt nothing. Note To Self ; When it hurts really bad, its numb before you feel the pain.         think of me   posting old entries    04:00pm 26/10/2006   Jan.7th.2006 all for you its fucking amazing to think that the whole time that i thought it was me & you, it was me & you & nothing but lies. did you think for one second that i had feelings? i would like to think that im better than this, but i guess im not. cause baby i stuck around way too long, and now look what i have left.. nothing. so heres to me & you.. the love that will NEVER work out. its the only thing that i really wanted to work out. but im not going to waste my tears on it anymore if you dont care. how could love be so thoughtless, so cruel when all that i did was for you. yours truely.. Note To Self; Love is one sided.         think of me   posting old entries    03:55pm 26/10/2006   it really never goes away s0ld out romance: i found the only pictures left of me and him .. i threw them away s0ld out romance: but i kissed them all first i hung up the phone and thought it was weird i wasnt too upset. i heard his words but i couldnt take them in. i think it took a minute or two to actually hit me. tears welled up in my eyes and for the first time, i was heartbroken. tears streamed down my face. had someone just shoved a glass splinter through my heart? i opened the door, and headed for the back yard. worried that people would see me crying, and not wanting to explain myself to anyone, i needed a spot no one could see me. the food table near the backdoor. the tablecloth on it was long enough to hide someone who didnt want to be found. so i pulled the tablecloth to one side and crawled under the table. it was so cold outside in december, i had on pj pants and a t shirt, his t shirt. as soon as i sat down i felt continuous tears stinging my cheeks. i pulled my legs up and hugged my knees to my chest. i was more upset with myself than anything else. i knew one day this would happen. i just didnt exspect it to hurt me so much. but it did. i started to wonder if he was crying. i wiped my eyes. i started wondering if it was it possible for anyone to hurt more than i was hurting. instead of trying to talk to someone, trying to have someone help me or even help myself. i stayed still. stayed silent. and stayed heartbroken. s0ld out romance: i burried all that stuff Romance0verrated: Why would you want to bury it? s0ld out romance: you burry things when they die s0ld out romance: i buried our love Note To Self; Never, EVER, fall in love.         think of me   posting old entries    03:51pm 26/10/2006   Oct.18th, 2006 just another day that night he layed with me, everything was perfect. he slept, but i couldnt. his body was too close to mine. i could feel every breath, every move. i was scared to sleep in case i woke up and he was gone. his arms around me felt like a golden shield, protecting me, he made me feel safe. i knew at that moment that nothing could harm me, nothing could break the invisible bonds between us. ive never felt so comfortable. that night i came alive in his arms. no one has ever made me feel like that, so vibrant, so confident. i wasnt afraid of anything that night. all of my childhood fears, my inhibitions, faded away into the bliss that only comes with the warmth of his touch. Note To Self; everything is the way it should be         think of me   posting old entries    03:50pm 26/10/2006   Sept.7th, 2006 i have to wonder if pluto is sad. sometimes i cant help but wonder if you have completely forgotten about me. if you think about me sometimes. or if you are thinking of me the exact times that i am thinking of you. because i do think about you, you know? i dont think about you while i see pretty flowers, or when i smell fresh cut grass. i dont think of you when im laughing, or even when im smiling. then again, i dont think about you when im crying or when i see blood dripping from my nose. i dont think about you when im driving. i dont think about you while im sleeping. i dont think about you when i see people holding hands. i dont think about you. i dont think about you when it snows. i dont think about you when its beautiful outside. i dont think about you while i jump in puddles in the rain. i guess its the times in between the happiness and the pain. in between the crying and the smiles, fake or real. its then that i think about you. my head is spining and all i want to do right now is get a bottle of maddog, or anything i can get my hands on. and drink. and drink until i cant remember anymore. until i dont think about you at all. until i dont feel anything. i want to drink you away so i dont have to ever feel like this again. i dont know what it is i feel. i want to see you. then i dont. i want to be with you. but i dont want to ever be with you again. i want you to hold me, but i dont want to hold you. i want things to be the way they used to be, but its better for my health that they arent. Note To Self ; i was the one who said things changed, but you were the one who proved it.         think of me   posting old entries    03:50pm 26/10/2006   Sept.25th, 2006 remember? remember when getting high meant swinging at the playground? the problem about boys was cooties? mom was your hero & dad was super man? your worst enemies were your siblings? race issues were about who ran the fastest? war was just a card game? you cried over stubbed toes, not broken hearts? you only had a few friends but they were the best and nothing else mattered? when kissing a boy was such a huge deal and you knew the first, middle, and last name of the few you did? you were totally content with watching a movie with your family? your favorite songs had the word "gummy" or "barbie" in them? when a kiss and a band-aid could fix any booboo? when you thought youd never be that girl, the one you thought was so stupid? Note To Self; when i was little, all i wanted was to grow up. man i was dumb to want that.         2 thoughts | think of me   posting old entries    03:49pm 26/10/2006   Aug.9th, 2006 do you feel the love? people are just saying i love you like "how are you?" when they dont really want to know how you are. its just a greeting like: hey. its like people are experimenting: well throw around the three supposedly most powerful words that everyone wants to hear and see what happens! will people love me back? even if they are pretending, its okay. we love each other for now, for tonight, for this phone call. for this drink together. for this date. for this party. for this bottle of wine. for this walk. for this afternoon. i feel so good so i have to say it! i love you! love like this- based on addiction-goes away as quickly as it came to you. like its a reflex. i do it. i have admitted to doing that in the past. and it always feels shitty. i dont have a solution. sometimes life requires you to say i love you - back. but it aint pretty. why is it that sometimes, its easier to say i love you back than to sit there uncomfortable with the unanswered i love you just hanging there. even if you know its not real. being put on the spot like that- the "i love you" spot sucks. ugh and i hate when someone does something really shitty and then theyll say: but I love you! like thats the solution. like those magic words will make everything better. its such a lame unclever way to attempt to manipulate someone. thats just lame. Romance0verrated: you wont let him in WrldTradeRomance: i know. Romance0verrated: he can show you how WrldTradeRomance: i know. Note To Self; if clouds could talk, theyd rain for me.         think of me   posting old entries    03:49pm 26/10/2006   Aug.24th, 2006 I will laugh. Sometimes I just want to write. Sometimes I just want to list down all my thoughts and have the entire world care about them even though I dont care about the entire world. Its become so indifferent living here. I feel what I want to feel when I want to feel it. If I want to cry, Ill cry, if I want to laugh, I can cry anyway. Dont you ever just want to write all of your thoughts down on one sheet of paper and never stop. Never stop to think about making sense or never stop to think about punctuation, or SPELLING or GRAMMAR. Do you scream? I scream. I scream because when the world is so quiet and everyone is so polite someone has to come in to cause a commotion again.What is respect to you, to me? Respect to everyone shouldnt be what respect is defined as in a dictionary or in a classroom. If you respect me, you tell me how you feel, you curse me off, you act like someone who cares enough to show me what you think. And I feel like Ive lost so much of my emotion I cant even speak anymore. Ive become so dry-mouthed and Im just sitting on my couch typing on my computer and waiting for Sponge Bob to come on. And I want to sit outside and listen to music, or just listen to the crickets. Its dark outside now and I just want to hear. I want to feel it and I want to hear it. Everyone is in such a rush, who wants this nowadays? Ill dream when I want to, and I dream quite a lot. I dream about the ketchup on my burger. I dream about spiders. And I dare to dream about you. I can dance. I can dance if I wanted to. And I have always wanted to be a dancer, and Ive always wanted to be a vet. Can you see that? What did you want to be? An astronaut, a fireman, or a bus driver? What, a burger flipper? I look at my phone, we always look at our phones. Todays society is always about rushing and I cant stand rush anymore. I feel like I have to rush to the bathroom, rush to the movies, rush to the party, and rush to the beer. Rush, rush, rush. Is part of the reason were so incapable as humans because our impatience has peaked to an extreme? Im rushing to finish this, and if anyone ever read this, they would be rushing to read it. No one would bother reading this, because when were in such a rush, no one has the time. I cant stop worrying that the ones I have met are going to disappear and leave me with a book full of words that I cant read. My head aches. One time, I was told that there was something wrong with my head. You see, one time I had the shakes. Except this time that I had it, it was too much and people began to say, "are you alright?" I would spit back in their face and rub my toes on their shoes and say, "I am fine!" What a wretched sound wood floors produce. Squeaking and squeaking. I cannot stand the squeaking as I try to leave my house in the nighttime. Hell, I cant stand it in the daytime. Squeaky floors? Well, Im quite sure that I have escaped the purpose of this letter far before Ive reached the floors. Its always so relaxing. There is rarely anything that makes me upset, and when something does it seems that right away that very thing makes me laugh. I laugh loudly and I laugh often. Everyone should laugh like that. Why cant people just be glad for one day of their lives? Maybe if we werent in such a rush. I hear everyone cry, and I hear them complain. I cant ask them what is wrong anymore because I have heard it so many times. And the reason they are sad is because of other people. Every once in a while I find someone who wants to laugh and I push them hard to see if they can hold up, but they rarely ever do. I try to avoid the subject of love often, but it always comes up because the music that I listen to seems to bring it up all the time. I think that I may be in love, I think that I fall in love too easily, and I am quite sure that love does not exist. Human emotions are chemicals, and nothing more. I wish that mine would become unbalanced again. I would rather be a horribly emotional person, than a robot... The words dont slide as easily from my brain to my fingers as they do when I first start to write, I think thats what happens to most people. They set out to do something and they freeze up in the in between. Hard-heads will not understand what I am saying. Tough guys will not accept what I am saying. Outwardly, no, they will not, but inwardly, somehow, theyll be crying, too. And what will I do? I will laugh. Note To Self; I look at old photos, and still believe its happening.         think of me   posting old entries    03:49pm 26/10/2006   Aug.27th, 2006 you look happy in the photographs. I was walking today. Just watching my feet, one in front of the other. Then I looked up because I had to cross the street. There he was. The boy I used to talk to every single day. The one who gave me butterflies whenever hed come near me, or touch me. When I saw him I was pressing each foot forward, and usually I still get those butterflies when I see him even though it's over. So I just smiled, and so did he. The kind of smile where its more of just an oh, I know that person..I should be polite. rather than the one it used to be where I could see it in his eyes. The I miss you and wish I never let you go but its too late look, it wasnt there. Hed always look at me with that look, no matter when I saw him. And I didnt admit it but secretely I knew Id die if that wasnt the look he gave me. I took it for granted. I took him for granted. I died today. I walked into the store to get something to drink. I got what I needed and came back out, the way I was walking was in the opposite direction of his. But as always, I turned around to see him. See if maybe he was looking back at me, like he always had. Like I always do but never let him know. He wasnt. He was going about his business. And I thought to myself how much it actually breaks my heart. Now hes got girls gauking over him, left and right. I closed my eyes for a minute and bit my lip in that weird way I do. I didnt want to keep walking. I wanted to run to him and tell him that I missed him. That I still cared. That I knew he cared but didnt want to admit it. I always led on that I cared a lot less than I actually did. I always do and it pushed him away. I pushed him away. I could have been the girl. So I kept walking, I didnt even bother to look up from my feet again. The last time I had Id lost what I always missed anyways. Ive spent this night reading the old notes you wrote. Dust collected on them and threw them to the back of my mind. And I dont know if its love I want or just some attention. I took for granted the words you said to me and that time you told me you loved me. I didnt think you meant it cause I didnt think a boy could love me. Its one of the slightest forms of pushing people away. Denying their feelings for you. But the things you said, they resurfaced tonight and all Ive gotten myself into is missing you. Im missing your eyes and your voice. Your mystery and your sarcasm. The way youd always sneak up on me even though I knew you were there. But when you left, I didnt know you were leaving. I didnt want you to leave. And worst of all, I wish it wasnt my fault that you did. They say if you love something, give it away. But when something loves you, what do you do? I still gave it away. But I guess the rule of thumb is to keep it around, as long as you can. But Ive always been one for breaking the rules. No matter where my life goes I always end up reminiscing to you. Something just wont let me let go of you. But knowing I dont have you now when I need you isnt something I want. But you cant change the past and you cant always get what you want. I miss what we were and I hate it. Note To Self; When youre honest with yourself even the bad doesnt seem so bad, and the good just seems a little bit better.         think of me   posting old entries    03:48pm 26/10/2006   June 29th, 2006 she never could get drunk enough to get him off her mind this will sound overly sappy. this will be one of those letters that you never wanted to receive that i never wanted to send. so i probably wont. this will make you want to deny emotions even more, and laugh as loud as you can. this will make your blood boil and your face light up in flames. cecause somewhere inside, i know you can feel it, too. being so far away from someone never hurt as much as it does with you. i will walk to you everyday for the rest of my life if I have to. i would expect you to forget me, but i would appreciate it if you tried not to, see i kind of think of you more than you can believe. i want you to hold me like you did before and i want you to tell me how you feel. i want people to see us when were kissing and say, "you guys are in love." i want to get piggy back rides, and i want to hug you until you pass out. i want to talk about running away with you, being completely serious about it. i want this, and i want that. i want you, i want you everytime, everywhere, everyday. i want to talk to you on the phone at nighttime and hear your voice before i go to sleep. and i, i... i just want to be with you more. i just want to kiss you again. i just want you to never let go of me. i want you to kiss me on the forehead, and i want you to give me the middle finger. i want you to worry when im away and i want you to touch me. i want you to know how i feel and feel that way, too. i dont want you to be surprised that i like you anymore. i want you to believe in me again. well beat the doubters anyday. i continue to dream of you and it only makes me wonder. so much time has passed by that it can easily be forgotten. i just want you to know that im still here thinking of you. i hope life has treated you kind and that you sit and wonder with me. ill never let anyones heart go where mines been. ps- im sorry whenever i talk to you i always draw a blank or dont have the right words. Note To Self; i had a dream that you still cared enough to try. i woke up able to breathe freely for the first time in a while.         think of me   posting old entries    03:48pm 26/10/2006   July 9th, 2006 & when i really think about it- a lot of paths i took did lead me back to you. Note To Self; Its about time.         think of me   posting old entries    03:48pm 26/10/2006   July 10th, 2006 i wish my little brother didnt miss you so much. i dont understand how you can be so close with someone, close enough to tell them every thought and every feeling you have, close enough to know just what theyre thinking from the sound of their voice or the look on their face. and then you suddenly realize that youre starting to feel farther from then youve ever felt from someone in your life. you still know everything there is to know about them, you can still tell when theyre upset, but theres something missing.. something you dont know. because some where along the lines, something changed. im done calling, visiting, coming over, iming, messaging you.. im done it all. its worthless and its time for me to give up. so here i am writing another stupid blog on myspace because im a fucking PUSSY and im bad at explaining and im bad at feelings. but why am i telling you that, you already know. we were best friends for months and im pretty sure you know everything about me. i trusted you, jim. i let you in. man am i stupid for that. im sorry for whatever i did that made you not talk to me. you havent spoken to me at all in over a week. ive tried calling you, but you never pick up and dont call me back. im sorry if things in your life are hectic, but when did you get too busy for me? we were best friends, i remember thinking that youd always be there for me, mostly because thats what you told me and i TRUSTED you, but.. where are you now? its so funny how the last person on earth youd exspect to pull some bullshit like this does it. i dont understand at all. we didnt fight, we didnt argue, i didnt do anything wrong- its just, thats it. like one day you woke up and decieded we were no longer going to be friends, and that was okay with you. i remember when you told me that you loved me, lol - we both know you were speaking in the mirror when you said that. ive been picking my brain trying to figure out why you are doing this to me. we used to be so close. im going to miss you jim, i really will in a sad way. and maybe when you figure yourself out we can be friends again later down the road. but maybe not. everything turns out the way it should be. Note To Self ; Stop saying sorry when its not your fault.         think of me   posting old entries    03:47pm 26/10/2006   June 22nd, 2006 im so good at not telling you how i feel School is over and the fun and friends are gone. I dont miss it all. It was all a distraction. I did enjoy it, while it lasted, but its gone. What can I do now? Last night, I slept restlessly. Conversations we had long ago clouded my mind. Feelings I had for you, things left unsaid, things that were said. I would have died for you, literally. To me, you were everything. I needed nothing else. Other guys have come and gone but, with you, I thought it would be forever. There couldnt be anyone out there who could possibly make me feel half as good as you, let alone even better. It was just impossible. When I decided to open up to you, you ended it. I didnt see it like that at first. I was still so naive. You were just too good to me. You taught me soo many things in the time that we were together. Now, I remember good feelings, and bad. I didnt ever think you could do to me what you did. It never entered my mind, because I trusted you. After, I hated you. I thought I forgot about you. I havent heard from you in so long. What hurts more is that Im making myself sick thinking of you. It hurts. Knowing this is really goodbye. I just hope you know, I never meant for it to be like this. You are always, always, in my mind, and in my heart. Note To Self; The pain will always be with you, but you deffenitly learn to accept it.         think of me   posting old entries    03:47pm 26/10/2006   June 26th, 2006 the problem was that there wasnt a problem its me. it always has been me. i had to make such an effort this year NOT to push people away just to make it through high school. & because I have always pushed people away there arent enough people I feel comfortable with to have around me. maybe its part of the self destructiveness i so often cling to, maybe its because im scared, maybe i think i dont deserve some people, or maybe i just think its safer to keep people at arms length and not let anyone really get to me. for a long time i couldnt just take the blame and admit it. they told me. everyone told me. and im just coming to realize that its my fault. i always wondered why he broke up with me, or why we broke up, or why we werent friends. always wondered why it seemed as though my life was stuck on "heart broken". no angry screaming matches, no doors slammed, just a quiet, sad, sorry announcement that your life as you know it is over. i kept waking up and remembering that it wasnt a nightmare. i couldnt eat. i tried and tried again to reason and solve, but nothing could help. i had no control over it. through it all, some part of my mind kept repeating "This is something youve never experienced before. Youre growing up. Itll be okay.". the rest of me wanted to jump ahead to the day when all the hurt would be gone, to when the memories would make me smile again. i hate them, those memories, and the plans we will never fulfill. even when i found myself getting stronger as sleep returned. i couldnt seem to think of the reasons. theres only one. and its me. im sorry. Note To Self ; I dont know why i fuck things up.         think of me   posting old entries    03:46pm 26/10/2006   May 30th, 2006 the phone call you come home from a long day at school, then work, and check your messages. the answering machine is flashing "3." you hit play and skip the first two messages rolling your eyes at your mom who called you not once, but twice twice to make sure you know you have a doctors appointment. "Message three -- Friday, 3:33 pm." - "Hey Danielle, its..." holy shit. you stand there blank faced for a moment, starring at the wall, frozen in time. the sound of the voice on the machine has sent a chill down your spine and let the butterflies in your stomach flutter as your heart rises up to your throat and you gasp for air. its him. the one who hasnt spoken to you for months. the one you havent seen in forever. the one you thought had forgotten about you. the one youve been trying to let go of all these years. the one you loved and lost. hes back. his voice quivering with uncertainty as he tells you his name and his reason for calling. but you wont hear it. you suddenly snap out of it and slam your finger down on the delete button before he even has a chance to finish. the room falls silent as the moment burns into your memory forever. congratulations, youve stopped yourself from feeling everything that makes you feel alive. Note To Self; Some things are better left unsaid.         think of me

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