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|Monday, October 2nd, 2006|
Do I continue on Blurty?
I need to get back to blogging, I had less of a problem writing when I did
maybe I need my own page
|Saturday, May 7th, 2005|
|Tuesday, March 22nd, 2005|
I killed a mouse today. Well I didn't, the poison I laid out for it did the trick. Having a paranoid fear of things like Hanta and the like, I grabbed a glass mason jar and scooped the mouse up, tightly sealing the lid before dumping it in the trash. And while I feel bad for the little thing, it did cheer me up to think of some archaeologist, 1,000 years from now, rooting through what was once the Lubbock city dump, and wondering what strange religion its citizens practiced that required keeping the bones of a mouse in a jar.
|Sunday, November 14th, 2004|
man I hope this kid isnt still with his huge boyfriend or my ass will be grass if he finds out what we just did
was the juice worth the squeeze?
|Sunday, September 26th, 2004|
I had an eye opening morning today.
I work moving furniture around for my school. We set up for events, weddings, speeches the like.
I do it part time assisting a guy who does it full time. His name is Dwayne.
Dwayne is 6'4 240 pounds of muscle. About 40-45 years old. As far as I'm concerned, a really nice guy, and a really hard worker.
Dwayne is also black.
Dwayne spent some time in the pen awhile back, accessory to homicide when he was 19.
Now I want to be a cop. I told Dwayne this. He encouraged me, told me not to let self doubt get in my way, that I could do it.
This morning Dwayne went in to work early. I was supposed to meet him an hour later to help him.
One of the campus cops showed up when Dwayne went in. And saw a large, rough looking black man walking around inside the building, and drew his gun.
Dwayne told me later his first thought was to run. Not his first instinct. His first fully formed thought was as far as his survival was concerned, it would be better to run.
Luckily he had another where he realized he would probably get shot if he did run, and he stayed put.
But it made me realize something. Dwayne isn't on probation. He wasn't drunk. He has no warrants out, nor did he have anything on him (the cop checked for all that). He was just scared.
Living white it would never have dawned on me to even think of running from the cops. They probably wouldn't have even cleared leather on me. And that's not to say I fault the cops. As far as threatening goes, I'm 6'4 155 pounds of preppy white boy. I'm hardly the type to look dangerous.
But it also made me realize. People are afraid of cops. Genuinely afraid. I always assumed when someone ran on COPS or World's Wildest that they had some reason, something to hide. But Dwayne had nothing to hide. He lives for his kids, and works harder then pretty much anyone I know.
So it's food for thought for me. I'm going to be a cop, and I need to realize some people will be afraid of me. But now I won't be as quick to assume guilt.
|Sunday, September 12th, 2004|
And dammit people.
This is not too fucking hard. Believe it or not, you do look retarded when you cant be bothered with 3 simple things. Nothing turns me off of reading a new journal faster then a huge block of text.
You're not ee cummings.
Periods, commas and question marks are your friends
So much time has passed.
I think my journal is becoming a victim of my own locquaciousness. When I write I'm not given over to short thoughts, it turns into a page burning ordeal. As such Im not often inspired to write that much. I promise over and over Im going to do this but I never quite make it but heres the same promise again.
Time to update this daily or close to daily. I'll try, but my own inability to write anything short will doubtless prevent that
|Friday, July 23rd, 2004|
Books to read
Life of Pi
absolutely incredible book
|Monday, July 12th, 2004|
I realized something just now.
Other people is what makes life bearable. I'm always so caught up in being a loner and enjoying my own company that I never realized till now I'm just passing time.
Nothing exists outside the moment. The moment is what you take with you when you get older. Nothing else.
"How long such suspension may linger? Ah! Sweet! The moment eternal. Just that and no more. When ecstacy's utmost we clutch at the core."
|Tuesday, June 29th, 2004|
We'll see how long this lasts.
I work for the Police Department, not a cop, but doing records.
Dating a new guy, as of yesterday. Personality wise he's exactly like John, who was the guy I was absolutely in love with in High School, and who subsequently gave me my love for redheads.
This guy isn't a redhead. Black hair. But he's cute as hell, and really sweet. Kind of aloof though, I think he's afraid of upsetting me or saying the wrong thing...
We shall see. My track record for gay relationships isnt the best. Not lately.
Since Mickey I've dated ummmm one guy. That was for a week. He turned out to be a cokehead. Cute though, nice bod too.
But yeah, things are going well enough I guess.
I work from 10:30 at night to 6:30 in the morning. That would be the only downside really. It kills what little social life I have. Especially when my only off days are Sunday and Monday. But I'm making money and getting in good with the Popo so hopefully when I try out for the academy I'll have a few people on my side.
|Monday, June 21st, 2004|
Drama at the Club
Oh dear lord. This weekend was just horrible. You would not believe the shit that went down at the local queer club. The drama was just off the wall
It all started out with a bang. One of the Raven sisters (local drag queen clique) said thatt there was no way in hell that existence precedes essence.
This of course set the entire club in an uproar. Twinks and bears were shouting at the tops of their lungs. One of the leather daddies was so shocked he started derisively referring to her as "Nikolai Berdyaev" which of course everyone recognized the name of the founder of Christian Existentialism and just started laughing their asses off.
At this point, the local drag MC asked the Ravens if they thought there was any place for Hegel in existentialism. This could easily have set the club on fire, but everyone decided that it would be best to leave the discussion of Kierkegaard to another night.
|Sunday, May 9th, 2004|
Things said behind my back
"TJ is a ho, but I guess if I looked like he does, I could get away with it too"
How can you be pissed at a backhanded compliment like that?
|Tuesday, May 4th, 2004|
Life is a Rip-Roaring Scary Son of a Bitch
But then if it was predictable...blah blah blah. You know the tune.
|Wednesday, April 28th, 2004|
|Monday, March 22nd, 2004|
Single gay men get cats. Fuck cats. I want a dog
I think one of my biggest problems is, I dont know how to be "the other"
I've gotten so used to preferring my own company that I no longer know how to interact with people outside of a "friends" setting. Even that "friends" setting I work to keep muted. Contact between us is something that is usually initiated by that friend.
At least I can take comfort in knowing that it isnt a problem that comes from my latent homophobia. No, this particular stumbling block has little to do with my inability to come to terms with my cocksucking nature.
I'm sure Dracula had friends before he started sucking people lifeless. I do the same thing, just in a less...murderous/evil way.
I had friends, back when I was wrestling with being gay. Though back then I was bi-curious or some other such nonsense people like me throw up in our heads to convince ourselves that we are indeed, at least half-way normal.
My friends though, often had to drag me out. I was content to spend time at home. Playing video games. Reading. Watching TV. But for their constantly showing up, my high school years in Homesville would have been a lot more dull and well, a lot less feloniously tainted.
I just never can...inspire myself to put for the the effort to hang out. It's always a 80/20 proposition, where they do 80 percent of the work to get me to come out. Either I had really loving friends or I'm an incredibly exciting person to hang out with, and therefore worth the effort (I prefer the latter)
But to the crux of the matter. The purpose of this long and rambling (see, even this is long and rambling) discourse. I'm unsure...how to deal with people.
With the few close friends I've made in my life, I can get to a certain ease around them, and comfort in hanging out. The problem is, I never want to expend the effort to make these friends. It seems like a Herculean effort in my own mind to go and meet so and so for coffee or some other such nonsense.
But now I'm also realizing, I don't know what to do in a relationship. Once you get the nakedness and the sweating and moaning out of the way, what is really left? At this I'm unsure what the problem is.
Is it society's fault, for not letting me see what a normal gay relationship is, and thus leaving me floundering about in the dark, unsure of what my next move should be aside from "insert erect member here"?
I think not. I have friends who are in normal gay relationships. They fight over the bills. They stay in most nights, and make love after watching a movie on TV. They develop love handles, and ear hair, and every possible thing you could think of as they march to the tune of "I'm in a relationship, fuck my appearance."
I think the problem is me. I'm not so sure I'll ever want a person fully in my life, because at some point as my personality was taking this fork or that road, I arrived at a sign that said "Go this way and you'll walk alone" For better or worse I've taken that path.
Current Music: When the man comes around - Johnny Cash
|Sunday, March 14th, 2004|
|Wednesday, March 10th, 2004|
So Mike's laptop was stolen.
It was locked in the mailroom, where his office is. A coworker and I were the last known ones in there, as we were having a program that Saturday.
Monday the e-mail went out about the missing laptop. I called my co-worker Andrew and asked him, since he had the keys last and was supposed to lock up. He told me he was sure the door was locked when he left.
So today, I received a call from Sean the SA about calling Stacey for a meeting at 6pm. I figured it had something to do with my not getting my job back for a 3rd year, which I had found out a day earlier. I call Stacey and tell her ok. A few minutes later, Andrew comes by my room and tells me he has a meeting with Stacey at 6. So we figured it had something to do with the laptop being missing, and were okay with answering a few questions.
First a little background. The International Food Fest was cancelled for the weekend in question. The AAC's being in something of a panic assigned Andrew's (from here on in, referred to as either Scrack or Andrew) 3 on 3 basketball tournament to Jeff, another CA. Scrack was understandably upset, as this was his program, and the weather had not been conducive to an outdoor tournament of late. He came by my room and talked to me. I told him "Lets do a Texas hold'em tournament and that will make the complex look good because we'll still have a program this week" So Scrack and I got to work, organizing a program in 5 days. We figured we were doing a good deed. On Friday morning, having gotten funding from Complex Council, I went with Jason the AAC and Mike Graham to buy supplies from Wal-Mart. First prize was to be a DVD player. Also chips and drinks and card and poker chips were purchased. While there I bought a Futurama DVD set for myself with my own money. We came back, and stashed everything in Mike's office, as it was right next to where the tournament was going to be held. I, having never been in Mike's office before said something to the effect of "Wow Mike, you got a laptop?" as it was sitting on his desk. I set the items down and left with Jason and Mike.
Nothing else happened. That saturday morning, Scrack and I met at 11:30 to begin setting up for the tournament which would happen at 1. We got the Bledsoe mailroom/Mike's office key, and keyed in, looking for chairs. We grabbed a few. Then we grabbed the chips and the drinks. I had set the DVD player down on the desk by Mike's laptop. It was not there. About this time, Jason came down and went into his office and got the DVD player. He said he had been worried about it being in plain view so he moved it into his office (but it was later found suspicious that I had later jokingly worried with Scrack about Mike's computer being in the office. So its not a big deal if the laptop is in plain view, but the 40 dollar DVD player was something that had to be protected? This was the first in a number of things that made me feel as if I was in a witchhunt) Scrack and I locked up the office, I asked him to verify that it was locked, as I'm minorly obsessive compulsive and will check my own lock to my door 15-20 times before I will leave. He checked it, and we went into the study lounge.
The tournament went as planned. About 35 people showed up. I went back to my room to call to my parents who were in town. I promised to meet them at the mall at 2:45. I went back to the tournament for a bit. Then I started putting up some extra chairs, putting one back in the office and locking it again. Then I gave the keys to Scrack and took off for the mall.
I came back to Sneed at about 5:30, and introduced my parents to Scrack, who was just coming out of the office. I later checked with Scrack that night to make sure the keys had been put up, and the office locked, since I was afraid he might have forgotten them while cleaning up the mess from the tournament. He told me that he had, and we joked about how much it would suck if Mike's laptop had been stolen because we failed to lock it, which was why we were so worried, because it was the only thing of value in the office, and was in plain view.
That was that. When I received the e-mail, I talked to Scrack and he told me that the laptop had been there when he locked up and he checked to make sure he locked the office.
That seemed the end of that, as we both went and talked to Stacey and told her all we knew as we were a little concerned and also felt bad for Mike.
Little did I know..
We both sat down, then they asked me to leave while they talked to Andrew. This took about 30 minutes. Then it was my turn.
"We know you and Andrew were the last people in there. Tell us what you think."
I told them, "First off, I want to point out that we were the last KNOWN people in there. Thats an important distinction to make, as we dont know if someone else was in the room after us."
Then I told them the story. How Andrew and I showed up at 11:30 on Saturday, and the laptop was still in the office. How we started our program, with the office locked up. How I opened the office to put some chairs up, and left at 2:20 to meet with my parents who were in town. From then on, according to Andrew, he put the remainder of the program stuff in the office, saw that the laptop was still there, locked it, and left.
When Mike found his laptop was missing, he asserts the door was locked. Therefore Scrack's story, which I dont doubt for a minute, is given even more credence. The door was locked. Therefore someone had to unlock it, go in, and lock it again. There is no way for a resident to lock the door, as it locks on the inside. There is no reason for a CA not to admit that they found Mike's office unlocked, making them go get hte key and lock, in the event of Scrack forgetting to lock it. But no CA has said this, nor SA. That means Scrack must have locked it.
I pointed out, that I am not a thief, and even if I was, why would I be stupid enough to steal when everyone else would know I was one of the last ones in the office.
They told me it was pretty suspicious that I joked with Andrew about locking the door so the computer wouldn't be stolen. "Why would you joke about something like that? Why do you think it's an issue with a locked door?" JKT asked me.
I pointed out that other members of the staff had said the same thing, without my talking to them, that it was "stupid of Mike to leave it in plain view in his office." There is a little fiberglass window looking in on the office where his laptop would have been in plain sight.
Then Jason pointed out how, when he and I and Mike went shopping for the program we were holding on Saturday the Friday previous, I, not having been in Mike's office before, commented on his laptop. "Oh wow, you have a laptop Mike?" Jason quoted me. And then said, "And then the next day its missing. We know you never utilized Mike, so that would have been the first time you had seen the laptop, then the next day it was missing. Kind of funny, huh? Suspicious."
At this point I started to get upset at the tone the conversation was taking. I told them they were not doing this "interview slash interrogation right". I pointed out if it was an interview, then they should be asking me questions, and if it was an interrogation then they should be accusing, not doing both. I told them they were not using the Reid technique correctly, where you start with the least likely suspect, and work your way up, and that by doing a half job on questioning me, they could be ruining any chance of finding out who did anything.
At this point, JKT became upset and told me this wasn't funny, nor a joking matter. I told them that I wasnt joking and I didnt feel they were going about this the right way. She then told me that "We are professionals, I think we know what we're doing" and continued on in that vein. Several other times during the interview I protested the way they were proceeding with the questioning.
Then Jason told me, "Well what you're saying isn't helping you. We think it was you so you need to convince me that you didnt do it, because with the alcohol and everything it looks like you did it." At this point alarm bells began sounding in my head. CONVINCE YOU? Ignore that whole silly "innocent until proven guilty" thing our country functions on, they were impugning my character. I told them I did not in the least appreciate being accused of being a thief, how I am a lot of things, but I am not a thief. I do not steal. I told them I have never, ever broken the rules, I dont drink with my residents, do drugs or any of the like.
JKT and the others told me "we're not accusing you". In this I have to fully say that they were, and I told them so. I said "even if you're not doing it outright, these veiled accusations are not appreciated in the least" But if they weren't accusing me, why did I have to "convince them that [I] didn't do it?" If they weren't accusing me, why did they "think it was" me? These were accusations, and they tried to backtrack and cover it up by protesting "we're not accusing you."
I can understand the need to question people. I feel badly for Mike. I can understand the need to question the last two people who were in the office, even though they were in there doing the complex a favor, having thrown together a program to cover for the International Food Fest which was moved to a later date. However I do not understand the need to accuse me. They could very easily have said, "We want to give you the benefit of the doubt, but things look kind of bad. Could you tell us your side of the story?" or something in that vein.
After telling them how upset I was, I told them that I was not a thief. That I was with my parents. That I do not steal. As to the missing alcohol, I pointed out that I hadnt been in the Gordon office because I used the same bulletin board paper so I had no reason to go in there. I also said how I hate the taste of liquor, because I had an alcohol poisoning incident 2 or 3 years ago, and have been able to stomach nothing but the taste of beer since. I told them that the person who stole the laptop was stupid and didnt think it out. I pointed out I read a fair amount of detective fiction. I told them that if the door was locked when Mike discovered his laptop missing, then that means the person who took it probably locked up behind himself. So thus if it was a staff member, why wouldn't he/she just leave the door unlocked so that it would look like a resident took advantage of some forgetful staff members mistake. I was trying to point out differnet paths to take.
I asked them if they had interviewed other staff members, as about 23 other people had access to the keys. They told me that would do no good because how did they know the guilty party wouldn't lie? That made me wonder why they were singling Andrew and myself out then. I pointed out it could be used to establish a frame of reference, so that some idea would be had of when the computer was taken better then "sometime between 5pm saturday and 11 am monday" Also if XXXX said he was at YYYY and ZZZZ saw XXXX at WWWW instead, we would know one of the two was probably a liar and have a reasonable suspect.
I suggested another way to catch the culprit, since as I pointed out I thought the culprit was an amateur. JKT told me that "we're not going to do something like that" After a bit, everything wound down. I again told them how upset I was that they were accusing me. They told me they were not accusing me, but it was a bit too late for that.
In the staff meeting that followed at 7 pm, there was talk from everyone about the situation. The staff was being talked to about the incident. Some staff members called for an investigation. Someone asked if SA's (student assistants) were going to be questioned, since they also had access to the keys. JKT said that was an idea, it seemed it hadnt occured to her yet.
I followed up, asking if everyone was going to be fully looked at. I reasoned that since there was something like a 40 hour gap between when Scrack and I put the keys back in the Sneed office and when the laptop was discovered missing, it stands to reason that there were a lot more opportunities for other people to raid Mike's office. I asked if the supervisors were also going to be looked at, to be fair, and because no one can be dismissed as a suspect.
JKT's tone dropped and she fixed me with a stare and said slowly "Are you accusing your bosses because you're treading on dangerous ground here?" I told JKT that I couldn't see Stacey or Jason or even her doing it, but you never know, because I couldn't see anyone on staff doing it. I pointed out that mystery novels would suck if it was the most obvious person, that a lot of times its the person someone doesnt suspect. I again reiterated, still staying polite as possible because JKT can be an imposing presence, that I did not think it was any of them at all, but any investigation/questioning should include all people. JKT at this point told me "Drop it. Now."
Several staff members came up to me after the meeting to tell me they agreed with what I was saying, and that she shouldn't be treating me like I was a child and she was my principal.
The meeting concluded with nothing else significant happening.
|Tuesday, March 9th, 2004|
oh well at least I can get a puppy now
|Thursday, March 4th, 2004|
I have yet to ever fall in lust with someone's personality
|Monday, February 23rd, 2004|
w00t got 2 peeps arrested today
Didnt count on it, usually the cops just go away and the residents have the fuck scared out of them
Today was different. police represented. da shit went down
another exciting day in the life or a ResLife official, just the facts man
That and my team won innertube waterpolo today again. and more so much more
but Im going to bed early for once in my life