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Lynda's Journal
i know.....i haven't been on the pc in a while & you were probably thinking i fell off the earth again, but i didn't. i'm still here. i went with mom to tyler this morning & then to lunch. it was nice.
i had a counseling session this morning too. that was a bit hard. am working on getting over ronnie, trying to move on with Billy, & concerns about my daughter.
there is no more business between ron and me. he's getting married in may. nearly one year to the day after he left me. i'm still certain he was seeing Sharon before we split up, no matter what he sais. he'll say anything to keep himself looking pristine, but i'm not a complete fool. he hasn't loved me in 2 years now. everyone & everything came before me. no. i'm not saying i should be the center of the universe. but as ron's wife I should've been first in his life & i wasn't. i was last. and that really hurt. i'm still hurting because of ronnie, even though i'm with billy now. I loved ronnie with everything in me. more than that.....i depended on and trusted him. so much for love & trust huh?
billy wants badly for me to say yes in marrying him. i've got major cold feet about it. I've had 3 failed marriages. living together would suit me just fine, but he wants to marry me & is a little bothered because I won't say yes. I'm afraid of failure & marrying again for all the wrong reasons. I want to marry billy, but i'm deathly afraid of marrying again. he keeps trying to pen me down & I keep jumping around with reasons not to marry. finances being the main issue. I'll lose some of my gov. help if i marry for one thing. my meds won't be paid for either. OH BTW>>>>>> thx fluffy for the web site about the med help. i'll check it out.
we had a trailride last sat. It's an all day affair when there's a ride. we didn't get home til 8 pm & I hit the floor at a run that morning at 7 am. by the time we round up everyone who needs me to haul their horse it's a time consuming process. getting horses ready. getting the trailer ready. feeing. saddling. getting other stuff together. getting people together mostly. it's just an all day affair and nothing else gets done that day. there's a trailride every weekend for the year. I won't make all of them, but i'll make most of them. i've committed myself for the year. we're having two big trailrides out here this year at our place. i just hope it turns out well.
well, that's about all the news for now. I've got a mountain of laundry to tend to today, although i'd rather be riding. some chores just need to be tended to once in a while if you know what i mean, and laundry is one of 'em. I hate doing laundry, but it's a necessary evil i guess.
take care all. have a great afternoon/evening/night. CHOW
Current mood:
anxious.