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Lynda's Journal
has been a prevalent thought in my head lately. i'm tired of the never ending headaches, complaints, & depressing outlook on things. He sais he's happy but he doesn't act happy. he hates his job, his boss, can't cut the apron strings with his kids, etc. etc. etc. .
truth is, i'm still in love with ronnie. i'm not over him yet, and i find myself comparing billy to ronnie all the time and that's not fair to billy at all. i need to get over ronnie before moving forward.
i'm afraid of being alone though. there's so much i don't know how to do. & on disability, i don't know how i'll make it financially. there's not enough to pay my bills from my check each month. and i can't sale my horses. so starting a resale shop is about my only option.
no....i'm not over ronnie. sometimes i still imagine his walking through the door and telling me he still loves me. i shouldn't be doing that when i'm with billy. I'm angry that ronnie didn't fight for me in any way. he just gave up & walked out on me. no fight or nothing.
I need a man who loves horses as much as i do. i need to do something with my horses, competitively. something to keep my mind busy. I need to be spoiled and billy doesn't spoil me. he wants to be spoiled instead. it's just not working from my end. i don't know what i'm going to do. i really don't. i may go visit my sister & just get away for a while.
well, that's my tho'ts for now. til later. chow for now.
Current mood:
anxious.