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Lynda's Journal
i have so much running through my head. i'm having second tho'ts about being with billy. no so sure i want to spend the rest of my life with him. i still have what mama calls "swivel head". (looking at other people).
we went to a boat show on sunday. i don't get out very often. but it was nice to get out for a while and i got to feed a royal white tiger named Gita. was just 4 inches from her face. Gita means Gift from the angels in asian. i fell in love with her. but anyway, i'm getting off track.... we met a man there who sold 4 wheelers and other sports vehicles. i learned too that he has a small ranch and raises miniature show donkeys. he was tall & good looking and didn't wear a wedding band either. now why would i even pay attention to that stuff if i were happy with billy. I caught myself thinking that i could get a man like that....successful, who enjoys horses & such like i do. he also used to raise and train horses.
i've decided i "settle" to easily. I don't strive for better than i'm getting. i have an opportunity to go into business for myself, doing furniture and household items resale. I could build a 20 X 20 building where the 2 roads meet and start a little resale shop. so what's stopping me? I don't know. fear of failure. fear of being alone if i ask billy to leave. he may not be so easy to get rid of.....IF that's what i choose to do. then there's the prospect of ronnie being snide about my being alone after all the bullshit that's gone around about me, and he's about to marry again in may.
i think i still am "in love" with ronnie. i hate all the crap that's gone on between us, but i still love him. when you love someone from the heart it just doesn't die overnight. I think i'm as much on the rebound as i believe ronnie is. how do i ask billy to leave when he sais he loves me with all his heart. i don't want to hurt him, but people ask me "what about you? (me)" so what about me? don't i deserve happiness, even if that includes being single for a while? I just don't know.
I'm starting a diet. am tired of the struggle with my weight. there's a local dr who works with people like me to help with weight loss. i may go back and see him again. i've gained 8 lbs! arghh!!! nerves i think. i'm an emotional eater. must get a handle on my weight again before it gets further out of control.
i've been tentatively offered a job reference for training a couple of horses for a fella. I'm excited about the prospect of that & anxious to learn more of it.
i've gotta clean house today & get a lot done. after mama's visit and 2 puppies in the house all week, everythings' a mess. i always feel better when my home is cleaned. i've been letting it go while mama was here. now it's time to put my life back in order again. i'm tired of looking at the mess. you know how it is when you let things go for a few days.
that's my rant for the morning. catch ya'll later. TTFN
Current mood:
cynical.