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Lynda's Journal
Puppies! yea! 2 of 'em! little pit mixes we found on the side of the road & it was too wet and cold to just leave them as somebody had already done. One's brown with a pit face. One's black and looks less pitt like. both are females. (anybody need a puppy? jk) sorry no pics.
thanks for the encouragement for mom. she's doing really well. but this is a new dialysis place for her & she tends to stand up & create a fuss until they get her figured out.
bill's headaches. ugh! sometimes i think they're just a convenient excuse to not go to work at a job he really hates. perhaps the job is the cause of his headache. perhaps he needs glasses too. (his eyes are bad). At any rate.....i'm simply tired of listening to his neverending complaints about one thing or another. Am actually questioning if i want to live with it for the next 30 years.....much less ONE year! sometimes the idea of being truly single seems attractive to me. I wouldn't have to fight over bedcovers or listen to the complaints about my snoring. THATS getting OLD!!!!!!
I want to ride but it's too wet and cold outside. I'm NEEDING a ride is the truth of it. a friend brought us a round bale of hay yesterday while I was gone. didn't cost anything and its good hay. the horses will enjoy it. I'm grateful. They're borrowing my tractor and they're really good to me in return.
my oldest friend of 30 years came last Thursday and stayed til Saturday with us. It was really nice to have her for a visit. She's not gotten to do that in a couple of years and really needed to escape from her world for a while. She has 3 fused vertabrae so we can't ride together. but she used to be a lot like me.
well, that's about all that's in my pea brain this morning. am feeling mostly morose. argh. (thanks billy. not!!!)
i've gotta get some laundry and housework done. it's feeling run down to me so will likely putter around the house. manda and james are coming over for a while too that'll be good.
ok. i'm outa here. will catch ya'll later. thanks for the welcome back. it's really nice to realize others have thought of you when you're away. chow for now g'f's
Current mood:
morose.
brought the babies over for a visit. i made snacks for everyone. that turned out well. wontons & deviled eggs. they turned out good. even little skyler liked the food.
i'm mulling over the idea of being single. what would i do without billy. do i want to spend the rest of my life with a grump in the first place? is he a good provider....no! are we friends...yes! do i love him....i think so. but he bitches about my snoring, sayin it keeps him awake. he doesn't share a bed very well. he's always got migrains....which i sympathize with .... to a point. sometimes i think a headache is just an excuse to not go to work that day. he hates his job & is picky about getting another one. he "tells" me he doesnt want another dog in the house.....but it's MY HOUSE! NOT HIS! he tells me i should see a dr for my snoring when he won't go see one for his headaches. duh!!!!! He's jealous of his boss, who's always blowin' and goin' and spendin' money. my cons are fast catching up to the pros of being with billy. i'm scared to marry him. not certain it's what i really want. if i marry billy i will lose part of my social security medical help that keeps my medicines so cheap as they are right now. he has lousy insurance. & mama commented that some people work better as friends. I'm beginning to think she might be right.
But then I've gotta figure out how to earn an income to supplement the meager $400/ per month I get now. And I can't work....technically. not at a conventional job at any rate. I have to work for myself or it's not going to work. mama's talking to me about starting a resale shop out on the highway corner of the farm. If i do this, i have one opportunity to do it and that's in february after getting ronnie's retirement money. it's not a lot, but it is enough to put myself into business if i choose. billy's has discouraged me twice before from doing that. ....the resale shop idea. he doesn't believe there's money in it, but mom & mitch make their living on close outs and resale. so.....is he holding me back? Is billy a control freak? He sais he wants me to be myself yet i find myself giving up a lot to be with him. i gave away my cats to my ex because billy hates cats. he doesn't want me to keep one of tdhe pups we found that HE picked up. see what i mean about the pros and cons?
so how do i get out of this. i just sold MY washer and dryer to move HIS in. If he moves out....i'm out a washer and dryer. that was stupid of me wasn't it. wasn't thinking ahead. no. i just ignored my instincts. something kept telling me to hang onto to my small set. damn it! why didn't i listen to my gut feelings?!
well, i've vented. there ya have it. i am ambivalent to say the least about continuing forward with billy as a couple.
does it make me a failure. i mean hell! I lost a marriage over this man! was i stupid to start with? but i'm also glad to be rid of ronnie. i'm tired of men telling me what i can and can't do. Damn it all anyway!
Current mood:
confused.