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Lynda's Journal
hi gang! I know. You all probably think i fell off the face of the earth. I have not forgotten you by any means. Life has just become terribly busy and getting on the pc has not been one of my priorities lately.
billy and i are getting married at 10 a.m. the 24th. the irony of it is that my ex-husband is getting married THIS weekend. ha ha! we're having a huge trailride and campout the weekend of our wedding. I think it's going to turn out just fine. i'm nervous about getting married again. i love billy. don't get me wrong. if it were anyone else but billy i would not be getting married. but i feel that billy and i are destined to be together.
amanda ... well she got custody of her two boys afterall. simply because james failed his drug test at court. we borrowed $3000 against my truck and tractor to hire our lawyer. i won't do that again, but i just couldn't sit back and watch her lose the children because she couldn't afford a lawyer. i had to do something. but it's the last i'll be able to do. from here on out she's on her own.
she now has a "life partner". i never imagined my daughter being lesbian. i'm not homophobic by any means. it's just that she has never shown a propensity for being at all, then suddendly she's involved with a woman 18 years her senior. i just don't know what to think of it is all.
my son, nate is coming up to the wedding to give me away. manda is going to stand with me as my maid of honor. we're going to have a big covered wagon that we're going to get married behind then ride off in after we've said "i do".
the grand babies are all growing so much. nate's is a year old now. manda's is a year old and 3 yrs old. i tried baby sitting recently but just don't have the nerves for it anymore. i finally had to tell manda i can't babysit anymore. i can handle the eldest boy of 3. but it's the baby i have trouble with. into everything & can't yet talk. I was a basket case by the end of my day with him.
jubilee is completely out of commission now. she kicked at another horse and caught her hind foot in the fence & tore down 30 ft of fencing and a water line. she tore a muscle in her hip and now walks with a tilted pelvis. she is completely lame and unridable for up to 8 months. mama horse & shakota are my two reliables now. but i'm also riding sunny a lot. sunny is my friend's horse, a missouri foxtrotter that i just adore. he's very spirited & is a huge palomino. it takes everything i have to just be able to get on him. he's that big.
I've bought a little Tennessee Walker of 1 1/2 months old. the guy brought him and his mama over here and i'm working with her too. her ears are very sensitive and i'm trying to get her where she will let her ears be handled. i've named my little walker....Cash's Little Ace of Spades.... & just call him Ace. he's a black colt with two white back stockings, a white star on his forehead, and a white snip on his nose. he's a pretty little guy.. his mama will stay with us until time to wean my baby. mama and daddy are both black and white paints. but the colt came out black.
kyou've heard me mention a horse that ronnie and i had named shiloh. when we divorced, ronnie took shiloh and the two donkeys. well he didn't take care of him and shiloh died of colic. shiloh was a large black arabian cross.
Life just goes on. it's 2 am & I can't sleep tonight. dont' have my meds so it's an insomniac night. my sister's coming over tomorrow to help me clean this house and get ready to clean house before the wedding. then i've got to start brush-hogging & also disc up the arena.
well, i'll go now. take care. i'll try not to be so long in posting next time. take care. i've really missed you guys.
always.....Lynda
Current mood:
awake.
well things have been extremely busy & tense around here. my daughter has been sued for divorce & they're in a custody battle over the two boys, ages 10 months and 3 years. we've got one week to come up with $3000 for this lawyer. He's felt sorry for amanda and went ahead and started working with her, but that's a huge lump of money to come up with in such a short time. I've tried borrowing it against my truck, but my income is too small and my credit sucks, so they turned me down flat. it really sucks. I want to help amanda so bad it hurts and my hands are tied. mama thinks i still have money left from ronnie's retirement, but i don't. we've been living off it for the past three months & i'm broke again. it wasn't much to start with. i bought a tanning bed for myself and wish now i hadn't or i'd have a little bit to give amanda toward this lawyer. oh well, there's nothing i can do about it now. the tanning bed was only $600. still that would be that much i could've loaned her. otherwise things are ok. i'm just really stressed out over amanda's situation. money stresses me anyway.
aside from that things are good. i've been going on trailrides a lot. it's that time of year. they're really fun & i meet a lot of people. i've been tanning & getting ready for summer. i know. i know. people say tanning's not good for you, but i'm a sun bum. i also hate having a "farmer's tan", so i even out that tan by bed tanning. we are having a big trailride at the farm in may. i'm really looking forward to it. it's going to be a lot of fun. we're going on a 16 mile ride from here & expect a lot of people to come. as many as 100 people perhaps.
billy got a new job but it hasn't kicked off yet. he's a mechanic and will be working in the field. it's going to take him away from home though. that's the only drawback as he sees it. i'm sort of looking forward to it. i like solitude. i have to have time alone to regroup & be able to handle things. and lately i've had to do so much running for amanda. it's just been hard. they think this next job will kick off after Easter though. fine with me.
for easter we're going up to my stepmom's & taking the horses. my niece will be there who is an avid horse lover & rider like myself. my sister, Jen, and I are going to take her riding easter sunday. i'm really looking forward to that. i hope it's a pretty day for it.
my friend john has a horse staying here at the farm. we're planning to make that 16 mile ride together on our own and see how long it takes us so we'll know what to expect during the trailride. john's having trouble with this paint horse. her name is queen. anyway, she's a real bonehead & not taking well to training. a woman's wanting this horse to be where she can ride her, but after now 3 months, it's just not looking too good. she's still very wild in spite of john's work. the other day at the trailride, she went crazy, reared up and had her front feet on top of my horse trailer, then she tried to lay down. she's just not going to be a gentle horse that a woman can handle. john said he wouldn't even put me on this horse, much less the woman he's working for who's much less experienced. it's just not looking good. queen is just very wild and unwilling.
my son Nate is doing well. he works all the time, but their baby is growing up fast. He and britt are excellent parents. Little Evan is a jewel and one of the happiest baby's I've ever seen. He's walking and into everything, with such curiosity. I adore him.
Amanda's kids have been literally stolen from her and they are hiding them from her. she hasn't been able to find them and see them for a week now. it's a real mess. they are not allowed to hide them, but they have been anyway. this lawyer is trying to help her as much as he can.
and that's about it for now. i hope life is going well for each of you. it try to keep up when i can. i miss you guys when i'm not checking into blurty. it's great to know there are people in other parts of the universe who actually care and your support and encouragement means a great deal to me. you each hang in there. i'm pulling for all of you too, whether you know it or not. i know how busy family and work keeps you all. so take care now. till next time. ..............Lynda
i know.....i haven't been on the pc in a while & you were probably thinking i fell off the earth again, but i didn't. i'm still here. i went with mom to tyler this morning & then to lunch. it was nice.
i had a counseling session this morning too. that was a bit hard. am working on getting over ronnie, trying to move on with Billy, & concerns about my daughter.
there is no more business between ron and me. he's getting married in may. nearly one year to the day after he left me. i'm still certain he was seeing Sharon before we split up, no matter what he sais. he'll say anything to keep himself looking pristine, but i'm not a complete fool. he hasn't loved me in 2 years now. everyone & everything came before me. no. i'm not saying i should be the center of the universe. but as ron's wife I should've been first in his life & i wasn't. i was last. and that really hurt. i'm still hurting because of ronnie, even though i'm with billy now. I loved ronnie with everything in me. more than that.....i depended on and trusted him. so much for love & trust huh?
billy wants badly for me to say yes in marrying him. i've got major cold feet about it. I've had 3 failed marriages. living together would suit me just fine, but he wants to marry me & is a little bothered because I won't say yes. I'm afraid of failure & marrying again for all the wrong reasons. I want to marry billy, but i'm deathly afraid of marrying again. he keeps trying to pen me down & I keep jumping around with reasons not to marry. finances being the main issue. I'll lose some of my gov. help if i marry for one thing. my meds won't be paid for either. OH BTW>>>>>> thx fluffy for the web site about the med help. i'll check it out.
we had a trailride last sat. It's an all day affair when there's a ride. we didn't get home til 8 pm & I hit the floor at a run that morning at 7 am. by the time we round up everyone who needs me to haul their horse it's a time consuming process. getting horses ready. getting the trailer ready. feeing. saddling. getting other stuff together. getting people together mostly. it's just an all day affair and nothing else gets done that day. there's a trailride every weekend for the year. I won't make all of them, but i'll make most of them. i've committed myself for the year. we're having two big trailrides out here this year at our place. i just hope it turns out well.
well, that's about all the news for now. I've got a mountain of laundry to tend to today, although i'd rather be riding. some chores just need to be tended to once in a while if you know what i mean, and laundry is one of 'em. I hate doing laundry, but it's a necessary evil i guess.
take care all. have a great afternoon/evening/night. CHOW
Current mood:
anxious.
i've been exhausted for a couple of days now. yesterday i slept literally all day. but then after being around mama i usually do sleep a lot. it's so tiring trying to do all the running with her. mama enjoys being out with me, but for me it's just flat exhausting and i honestly cannot say i enjoy it. it's more a chore for me. i don't get out and about very well anyway, and mama doesn't understand that.
day before yesterday i drove the hour to visit mama. naturally she had half a dozen places she wanted to go while i was there. driving home was a chore as i kept falling asleep and driving all over the road. almost wrecked 4 times & woke just in the nick of time. i was just so tired.
finally got my cymbalta approved by medicaid. i'm feeling better now. spent the day in tears 3 days ago. cymbalta is for the depression and i kept cycling through it really badly. i'm better today and expect tomorrow to be even better. i'll survive. i'm glad they got my med approved for a year.
jubilee is doing so well. she's sidepassing better now and spinning better too. i'm so proud of her i could just bust. it's fun to ride her. she and i are building a great trust between us. i just love my horses. they're so full of personality and spirit. they're good for my soul.
Ron's horse shiloh died. serves him right as he wasn't taking care of him. i feel bad for shiloh though, because he died alone and in pain. he was such a beautiful horse. poor shiloh.
well, i'm tired. i'm going back to my harry potter movie. hope your day's going well. have a great afternoon all. TTFN ............ Lynda
Current mood:
exhausted.
and i've been cleaning house. went to walmart & bought $120 worth of kitchen & bathroom stuff to "fix up" a little bit with. needed a fresh look.
rather than having doors on my pantry & laundry room, i only had curtains because ronnie would never put up doors. well this weekend billy & i found some bifold doors enough to go on my bedroom closet, pantry AND laundry room. He got all but the bedroom doors hung, and it just looks so much nicer and cleaner with doors up instead of a curtain. so i just had to add to my decor.
i collect chickens in the kitchen and found a table runner, 4 placemats & a rug with roosters on them. they're sort of a burgundy country background and add some color to my somewhat plain home. there's pine everywhere so i have to accent with colors to brighten it up or it can look rather mundane. Then in the bathroom, although i'm not a big flower person, i found a shower curtain with large burgundy flowers on a beige background, got some new shower curtain hooks that are somewhat unusual, a toilet lid cover and two rugs, also in burgundy. I have a large strawberry pot that i just stuck some fake flowers and bamboo shoots down in.....the whole thing is about 3 1/2 ft tall, anyway, i stuck it in the bathroom under the window. Took all the junk off the shelves & window sill, cleaned up real good in there & it looks bright and fresh now. i also put a new beige valance to match the shower curtain. in the kitchen i cleaned off the cabinets again too, put out the runner, mats and rug, did away with a couple of stools that were cluttering up space, and the kitchen looks better now too.
The other day at Goodwill i found a coffee & end table set for $40 that i just couldn't pass up. They have an oak top sitting on gray metal bases. the coffee table is oval, and the end tables are round. so i added to the living room this week too. and a couple of weeks ago i bought a new "bed in a bag" set for the bedroom, in pale blue plaid. the house is looking so different since ronnie lived here. it's improved a lot.
billy & I took jubilee and shakota to my stepmom's yesterday and rode in the cold gusty wind, and had grilled hamburgers with the family. my step siblings and brother were all there. sis didn't get to come, nor my other brother. we had a nice time nonetheless.
sister's been fighting with hubby again. i really don't think they're going to make it. i wouldn't put up with a man talking to me the way he talks to her. nor vice versa. i don't talk down to billy nor he to me. and it just bothers me that sister and her husband talk so viciously to one another. they're not physically violent, but they are very verbal in their attacks.
dealing with ronnie is becoming more distant for me. it does seem everyone in town has heard about our divorce though. that gets freakin' old. there's no such thing as privacy. if the real estate market were better, i might consider selling the farm and starting over somewhere, but it's not, so here i sit. ronnie lies to people and tries to make me look really bad and the longer we're apart, the more angry i get at him, and wish i could just beat the pulp outa him. but i'm a woman and fighting is not an option. i'm just bitter toward ronnie. i spent 18 yrs depending on and trusting him only to have him desert me, bad mouth me, and drag my reputation through the mud. I can say this much. at least i'm learning who my friends are because of all this mess. and they are precious few. i'm finding my faith in people has suffered greatly. i don't trust much anymore, thanks to ronnie.
billy keeps asking me to marry him and i keep telling him i've got cold feet. i'm really afraid of marrying again. what if this one bites the dust too? billy loves me dearly. i love him too i think, but the prospect of marriage just makes me cringe. this would be my 4th. if it wasn't billy, i wouldn't marry again. but he's special, in that we have 30 yrs of history behind us from when we first met & dated in high school.
well, guess i'll go for now. should go ride, but am too emotional at the moment. have spent the morning off and on in tears. my meds are messed up so it takes an act of congress to accomplish anything lately. the doc and the insurance company are hashing out my medical priorities. and i'm just stuck in the damn middle, waiting for somebody to make a damn decision and let me have the meds i require to function at a normal level.
well, i hope all's well for everyone. take care. till next time. TTFN
Current mood:
tired.
been manic today. i hate being bipolar and having a bad day. i get weepy. i hate that. can't concentrate. thinking is like looking through muddy water. the brain just doesn't work the way i need it to. i've been to town twice, and both times have not accomplished what i've set out to do.
i hate bein bipolar. it's hard when the mind won't cooperate, and you KNOW it's not working right but there's nothing you can do about it. it's very difficult to function in a normal capacity. therefore i cry. i've tried to get out and function, and i guess considering what little i've done, it's gone alright. I managed to pick up my meds, go to the bank & get my taxes filled out. that's saying a lot when my brain is gone on vacation.
billy keeps talking marriage and i keep putting him off. yes i've got cold feet. don't know what to do about that either.
someone asked me todaay if i miss ronnie. of course i do. i spent 18 yrs with him. how can i not miss him? I wish he'd call and want to come back, but that's never going to happen. he's moved on with sharon. *sigh* all i can do is try to do my best with life as it is now.
well, thats about all for now. have slowed down on the cigs. may be able to quit afterall. TTFN folks.
Current mood:
bitchy.
i haven't done anything today yet, other than get dressed and go buy some cigarettes just down the road. yea i smoke. i didn't 8 months ago. now i do. arghh. now i can't put them down. started when ron and i split up. now wish i hadn't picked them up again.
billy's coming home early to go to the eye doctor today. he's gotta have some glasses before getting his license renewed. saturday's his b'day. he'll be 48. march is mine. i'll be 47. can't believe i'm knocking on the door of 50 so soon. i remember wishing to be 16, then 18, then 20. I still wish that. lol. only i'm looking back at it instead of forward. lol.
am trying to figure out how to tell billy i need some space & time to think things through. don't wanna do it on his b'day, but have gotta pick a time to say something about how i'm feeling. i have a counseling appointment in the morning. maybe she'll shed some light on the subject.
i may try to ride this afternoon sometime to get away for a while. need an escape of some kind. wish i could just run away and hide from this mess i've gotten myself into. j
I told the race horse guy...jerry...that i wouldn't be there this morning, that i won't work his yearlings while they're in the barn. it's just too dangerous for me. if they rear up or kick there's nowhere for me to go. he tried to change my mind, but i'm adamant about my safety. i'd rather he bring them here for training, but he won't do that. and i'm not too keen on driving 30 min. every day to his place either. so guess that situation is a wash. *sigh* mama told me when in doubt don't. so i'm not.
well that's it for now. take care. chow for now all. ...........................Lynda
Current mood:
anxious.
Jerry C. has been talking to me about training a couple of his yearling thoroughbreds. he raises race horses. he wants me to do the ground work with them and get them where they can be handled but he just doesn't have the proper facilities in which i can work. they're in stalls, & he wants me to try to work them in there, but if they get silly and start kicking, there's also nowhere for me to go to be safe either, so i just don't know about this prospect. on the other hand, i want to do it to start building me a reputation too. so i dunno. i went in the stalls this morning and they were sniffing all over me but you can't touch them. they're pretty animals. it's also 30 minutes over to his place & we haven't talked money just yet either. i dunno what i'm getting myself into yet.
the storms are gonna hit here in about an hour. i'm trying to brace myself for it. it's already over my sister's home & she sais it's bad. has knocked out her satellite. i expect the same here after a while.
i still think about ronnie. sometimes i just pretend i'm waiting for him to get home. i miss him. maybe i shouldn't, being with billy, but i do. i think i still love him, even after all the crap that's gone on. i miss the security of being with ronnie. billy treats me good. it's just different though. *sigh* do i love billy? yea. but not like i did ronnie. i'm angry that ronnie left me and didn't ever talk to me. he sais he did. i say he didn't. he just said we could "date". maybe i should've done that. i don't know. i dunno a lot of things right now. like if i want to marry billy or not for instance.
*sigh* life is a chore sometimes. i'm so tired today i can't see straight. feel like i've worked my ass off and haven't done a damn thing all day other than go see about those foals.
i hope ya'll have a great afternoon. take care for now. TTFN
Current mood:
exhausted.
billy's been having to work on the sewer system as it got backed up. come to find out the tank was full & we had it pumped out this morning & things are working again finally.
I'm feeling better about everything. Life goes on as usual. billy & I had a talk a couple of days ago about things & I'm better now. I told him I'd been afraid to talk to him about what was on my mind, & he doesn't ever want me to be scared to talk to him. it turned out alright afterall.
could've ridden today but cleaned house instead. sort of tired. lazy is more the term. just don't feel like putting forth all that effort today.
that's about all for now. hope all's well with everyone. take care. TTFN
for one of my checks to arrive today. I may load up Boomer and drive up to my sister's for a while. she lives an hour away, but that's ok. it's a pretty day for a drive or a horse ride. if i don't go to jen's i'll ride shakota or jubilee.
billy was bitchy when he came in yesterday. had to work on the bathroom plumbing as it's backed up for some reason. did get the toilet going, but there's still something in the line that he's got to work on tomorrow. he was complaining about his kids. they're fighting among themselves and his youngest son, who was living bill's daughter, moved out of the house yesterday and in with his mother. they're fighting because brian wants to move his ditzy girlfriend back in after being broken up for a while. no one likes her. so he moved to his mom's. both boys and their respective girlfriends are living with their mom now.
i'm trying to get the guts to tell billy what i want to do with this platform ronnie started and never finished. it's the floor frame for a 20 X 20 shed. I want to move it and build a little resale shop. billy wants to make a workshop of it. it's MY floor anyway. dunno why telling billy what i want to do with it is such a scary prospect for me. i'm working on building up my nerve tho'.
billy's bitching carried over to boomer last night. i snapped at him & told him boomer wasn't doing anything & billy shut up. guess he realized he was going a bit overboard.
he keeps saying " I love you" to me, but i'm becoming reluctant to say it in return. I really don't think I love billy the way i should. It's going to break his heart if i have to tell him that. that eats at me a lot. it's not fair to him to live a lie. and it's not fair to me either.
how do i get myself in these messes?! i'm scared of being alone. i'm scared of confronting billy about my feelings.
if i don't go to jens i'll ride today at least. i rode jubilee in the gusty wind yesterday. most horses are terribly spooky in such wind. jubi did great tho'! even got her to side pass a few steps again. cant wait til she gets that footwork down. she's learning though. i made her walk through a ditch with water in it too. she fought me at first but finally realized she wouldn't die if her toes hit the water. lol. on the way back home we did it again and she walked right through it. i'm really proud of her. she's coming along very well.
mom's doing fine. i'm glad she's gone home tho. we talk every morning on the phone. at a distance works best for me.
well that's it for now. TTFN
Current mood:
blah.