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[27 Dec ] |
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It's exactly one hour before I turn 21. All I feel right now is nervousness. Because of my itinerary tomorrow. Im nervous about getting all my ppl together for dinner, about curling my hair & looking really pretty (MAKING myself look really pretty), about my crush coming, about my parents telling us all to be quiet when everyone is over, about being older and having millions of new doors open to me, about my parents being upset about ppl over & drinking, about how much moola Ill have to spend tomorrow, about who will call and who wont to say Happy Birthday, about 2 pimples on my face!, etc...
The list goes on.
Somehow I always end up acting a bitch on my birthday.. please, God, let this year be different. Please allow my to not have to worry about every detail and not have to worry over everyone involved.
Im glad it will be raining.
To Remember for tomorrow:
- be cheerful - be laid back - call everyone to give directions and tell to bring blankets and swim shorts - and alcohol or cash for it
- exfoliate face - hang pics up in room... etc.
Happy Birthday to me.
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[10 Dec ] |
After walking back into the room from his break, out of nowhere he says "Shianne one of these days someone is going to write a song about you." {fyi he plays drums in a band} I asked why and he said "because your name is,like, perfect for a song. And because of just who you are." After a moment of silence I couldn't stop smiling and said that was the best, sweetest compliment he's ever given me. And I said thank you. He said "you're very welcome." I told him that I wanted him to be the one.
I like him so much I can't stand it. I actually told him sometime last week too - about my feelings for him. He said he knew and thought I was amazing, but that he wasn't ready for a girlfriend (he's never had one).. but couldn't stop saying how flattered he is.
He thought I was hurt, as I went home that night.. but I wasn't. I was proud of myself, and relieved that it was out there. I guess for the rest of the night he was all out of it and told Becca what had happened.. seeing as how she is one of my closest friends anyways. ( I didnt mind )
He said that he didnt understand why I had chosen him to have feelings for because he was just some kid. Becca said that it's different because I know he's not just some guy and that him and I have a connection. He agreed. Yet he was worried that he "would lose me" because he had turned me down.
But to me, he didn't really turn me down. he was flattered and accepted my feelings.
And I know he feels for me - I just wish he would take the leap. With me, it wouldn't be like some high school fling that would most likely happen with other girls. I read him so easily & Im still so intrigued.
He's admitted that he's never been close to anyone ever in his life really - yes, he's a virgin too.
But since then things have not been "weird" between us. They have been the same.
Smiles and talking about deep things, and burning each other meaningful songs. And always talking about hanging out together.
Just liking this guy makes me happy. Even if sort of unobtainable - I am happy meeting him and feeling this only for him.
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[03 Aug ] |
"You look like a perfect fit for a girl in need of a tourniquet; but can you save me? c'mon and save me.. if you could save me...cause I can tell you know what it's like. . .save me.."
I am on some momentum tonight. It came from my failure[s]. I used to say when I was little that I worked best when punished instead of praised.. and as much as I like to believe that that is wrong, I don't think it is. It's usually after Ive failed considerably that I do well. Always trial and error with me - always..that's how I got good at my job.. that's why I came back to Cali.. thats why after many [too many] failures in school I STILL go.. and try again. [that and fear.. and a little spark for things Im passionate about].
I think that if I had something physical to look at or read or talk to every single day to remind me that I get up everyday and do all these things that make me unhappy [fake smiles and caring conversation]that it's all because I have a vision of happiness that MIGHT be fulfilled one day.. then all of these jobs would be easier. Right? That's why Im taking too long with school - right? Because of lack of motivation. Is it lack of punishment? Or lack of help and love and encouragement/support??????
My anxiety drives me nuts. It drives me fucking crazy right up until the point that I fail. [this always happens] - and then the WORSE has occured and I can move on. I always feel better after the pain and shock. Because it can't get any worse than that moment.. so the only option is a hopeful future from there.
The only good thing that's come out of this IS trial and error - and I am finally getting my motivation for things I love back - like Im writing again and doing photography again and writing notes and ideas down like mad. Everyday now I picture myself walking into a classroom and being happy and being whole.. and feeling accomplished. I want to go to the same coffee shop everyday, and hang around the same teachers everyday .. and have different students every yr.. I want to be an english teacher.
My eye wanders from the prize when Im sitting in a science/math class that I don't understand.. and dont agree w. being necessary.. and have some annoyance with the teacher..
certain ppl make me feel like something is wrong with me.. why dont I get it? like why in my head does it make perfect sense to be appalled that I have to spend every single day of my life working for money and being in debt just to relax and get some free time for a vacation?
am i that strange? or lost? or naive? or ironic? or fucking helpless....
and there's always more..
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[23 Jul ] |
I really like this survey:
about me:
#1. What do you wish was your name?: I've learned to really appreciate my name because so many people have found it fascinating. When I was little I would name all my dolls Nora or Moira though ;P
#2. What song seems to reflect you the most?: this is really tough.. "Enter from the East" by Jewel is what I think of right away ---"..I went out a wondering beneath and unknown sky, the heavens shook violently and he caught my eye..stranger enter from the east.. and own me.. my heart is made of 4 emptry rooms, 3 wait for lightning and one waits for you.. I want to have you all to myself..Id hollow out my insides to place you in..stranger step inside this place and own me.." and "Carousel" by blink 182 also =P
#3. What thing always makes your day when it happens/you see it?: the weather can really affect my mood. beautiful sunny days make me happy and perky and summery =) and also rainy days make me shy and introvert and pensive/intellectual.
#4. If you could change one of your qualitites, what would it be and why?: absolutely my teeth. and weight although i woul dnot ever want to change my body type because i appreciate being a curvy girl.
#5. What in your life influences you the most?: small little treasures that I find joy in... like the smell of rain on cement, beautiful untouched fields in the countryside, flowers, meaningful conversation, music, a few films [amelie], nostalgia...
#6. What has been your wildest/best/most interesting fantasy? Has it come true?: when I was a little girl I used to want to live in Sri Lanka in a treehouse like in Swiss Family Robinson =) But in my recent yrs. I dream of europe.. and being a teacher, and freelance writing/photography..
#7. Which feature of yours do you love? Which do you hate?: I reallyyyy like my eyes and hair and back dimples. As mentioned before I hate my teeth and being [what I think is] chubby.
#8. If you had to have a picture be your symbol, what would it be and why?: this is soooooooo tough!!! I was thinking like me wearing a t shirt of the american flag all retro style, some faded jeans, laying in a field of sunflowers/wheat grass somewhere hahah [sunsetish]
#9. What would you title the movie or soundtrack of your life?: "Life is for living."
#10. What are you most disappointed with so far?: Im disapointed that I am not yet happy with myself and that I let others influence me so often. What cant I seem to find the courage w/in myself?? Im disappointed with my lack of motivation as well.
about others:
#1. What one quality makes a person worth being around?: depth / being complex.
#2. What one thing about a friend always pisses you off?: only calling me to complain about meaningless crap going on in her life, and never asking how I am..
#3. Ok, now vent your worst people experience: ive never had one like huge blowout bad experience, just a bunch of small instances at work where the customer would lie about what i/they did/didnt do.. and one time they made me cry because i was so frustrated that the customer told my manager some bullshit and i had to stand there w. some placid smile [i hate being fake!] and just take it because "the cutomer is always right." fuck that.
#4. What is a major turn on?: a major turn on is confidence & genuine kindness
#5. If you could create the perfect person for you, what three qualities would they have and what would they look like?: - intellect - compassion - humor, and they would have dark hair and green eyes and prefferably have a european accent of some sort =) rawr <33
about life:
#1. What confuses you the most about life?: society confuses me so much.. they way they get the masses to think that life is all about some superficial bullshit. it hurts sometimes. you dont want to feel like a cow following the herd do you? i used to want to work for a periodical because i thought it would be lovely.. but most media is bullshit. it's sad.
#2. What's one thing that goes on that makes you wanna scream?: it really makes makes me want to scream when in a crowded public place and people arent watching their children. not only do the kids seem to always run in front of adults' way, but what if they were kidnapped? i ahte seeing bad parenting in public --- grr!!
#3. Which matters more, people's words or actions? Why?: i was going to say words because words mean so very much to me.. but then again someone can always SAY one thing and DO another. I dont want to be cliche though and just say "actions speak louder than words." words mean more to me by a great deal if they are genuine. there are always possible excuses for actions.
#4. Does love really make the world go round? Is love present in today's world?: I think I am growing to not care for today's meaning of the word "love." I feel like the meaning has been cheapened because no one has any compassion these days. I dont think that love makes the world go round no. but i think that love can make one individuals world go round yes.
#5. What is one issue that is important to you?: anything environment related. ie global warming, endangered species..etc. after taking my humanities class i feel like i care more about the natural world than i do about society and humans. it might sound awful but id donate money to environment issues before i donate money to an urban related issue. id be down to join greenpeace. <33
- i realyyy want you all to fill out this survey! I loved it and I think it would be really interesting to see what you all write.. this is by far the best one ive taken!!
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