..+.\\× bleeding heart ×//.+..'s Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar] ..+.\\× bleeding heart ×//.+.. [ userinfo | blurty userinfo ] [ calendar | blurty calendar ]

new blurty [06 Aug 2003|05:35pm] i have a blurty: bleeding_heart_ so if you want add that one instead of this one.. i might update in this one occasionally cause i like the layout lol but yeah add the new one!! lie to me

everyone's slipped away.. [05 Aug 2003|09:05pm] [ mood | hopeful ] [ music | as it stands - the juliana theory ] it fucking sucks that scarlett's in england right now. i miss her SO much! we haven't had one of our talks in a long time. i've become like.. dependant on those. they make it all seem to fall into place. but i donno, she's having a rough time lately, and i haven't been there for her half as much as i should be. i'm so sorry, you have no idea. ian man, sorry about that last post, we went over that already though so it's all cleared up! sorry that i haven't been able to talk a lot lately, i hope we do something soon. and everyone's slipping away.. but it doesn't seem to bother them... Everything that rests upon my shoulders fell I would like to tell anyone who has depended on me for themselves, I'm sorry And everyone I've held in my arms I believed I've pushed away I would be there if I could be there But as it stands, I'm gone Everyone has slipped away Don't be overwhelmed Everyone that loved me more than I could tell, I'm sorry fffuuuccckkk!!!!! 2 cared enough to lie to me

if i walked away right now, there would be nothing left for me to lose but doubt. [03 Aug 2003|10:12pm] [ mood | cranky ] [ music | dumb like that - vroom ] i cant believe this happend again, after all the promises i made myself, i swore i'd never let you hurt me again. i always forget what you're capable of, i just don't know how to make it all stop. well i know that i love you, but i also know i never needed you. all i need now is the strength to walk away, but each time i'm with you, you destroy me, and everything i've managed to make of myself, inspite of what you put me through. regardless of what you say, i know i'm worthless to you, you don't have to say anything anymore, it's alright, cause i feel the exact same fucking way. 8 cared enough to lie to me

THANK YOU!! [03 Aug 2003|03:28pm] thank you so much to silentxsound for making my new icon!!!!!!!!! 4 cared enough to lie to me

we are the most impassioned ugly people. [02 Aug 2003|11:46pm] [ mood | lonely ] [ music | cosmopolitan blood loss - glassjaw ] warped tour today. glassjaw and less than jake, are fucking amazing. about a million fuckin sexy guys there too. we tried to follow 2 around lol, but we lost them =( lie to me

get over the faithful yesterdays [02 Aug 2003|08:36am] [ mood | crappy ] [ music | first time - finger eleven ] i don't even know where to start! i feel so horrible though. like lastnight.. i was being so rude, and honestly.. i didn't mean to be. elisha and natalie are so nice.. and there i was being a fucking little asshole. who does that? i feel really bad about that, and other than that i was just being weird, but it was because i was around people i don't know.. i always get like that and i hate it. i wish i wasn't like that at all but for some reason i can't help it. and i was also kind of really.. discouraged, if you will. seriously, all the girls there are beauitful and soo skinny. it's depressing, i hate it! honestly, i wish i was just.. better, for myself and everyone else. 6 cared enough to lie to me

[30 Jul 2003|05:06pm] [ mood | excited ] i come home tomorrow! =D 7 cared enough to lie to me

hmm.. [28 Jul 2003|09:01pm] [ music | no song today ='( ] ah i'm bored right now, ahaha i just finished watching friends.. that show is fuckin insane! k but.. how to lose a guy in 10 days.. is offically the best movie in the world. and kate hudson.. wow.. she's friggin beautiful i wanted to shoot her. but in the movie they were so cute!! i was almost crying.. for no reason. hm.. i was jealous. but it's ok! =) and then i watched top gun, man that movie kicks ass! haha.. what else.. i went shopping today but i was too tired to finish.. the guy who worked there though decided to strike up a conversation though? ah.. doesn't matter. i'm going white water rafting tomorrow, that should be alright. and thursday i come home!! what what! i'm excited ahahaha and then warped is on saturdayyyyy!!!!! yes i'm excited.. well maybe i'd be a little more enthused if mother fucking taking back sunday was still gonna be there! AHHHHHH i'm a little peeved about that one.. oh well.. what else.. oh yeah, i look forward to the marathon me and deena are gonna have! and.. i found these pants i want.. i know i'm boring! fuck.. i'll go. 7 cared enough to lie to me

frozen inside without your touch, without your love [26 Jul 2003|06:36pm] [ mood | who knows ] [ music | bring me to life - evanescence ] well i have shit to say right now! anyways.. i'm coming home on thursday, that should be nice. i hope it is anyways, i'm going out friday, that should be quite exhilarating!!! whatwhat! hmm.. what else.. no one e-mails me back anymore, man that shits all i have over here! grr, tis quite aggravating but what are ya gonna do?! oh man.. today i was listening to the song bring me to life.. and it all just.. meant so much to me. especially the part where she's like, "now that i know what i'm without, you can't just leave me." who the hell knows why that matters, cause i sure as fuck don't! anyways.. convinced pops to buy me some good ass shit today =) ahaha and i found out that there's a guy living next door who by way.. is 16!!!! yes.. yes he's 16, i wanna see him! i think i get to meet him on monday or something.. ahaha i have to feed their fish, so let's hope for the best and hope that he's hot! =) omg.. the other day.. i officially say the hottest guy in the world.. my jaw actually dropped! anyways.. i better go, daddio's supposed to be home but he isn't so i'll go wait. 6 cared enough to lie to me

[22 Jul 2003|01:25pm] there's those moments in life, the ones you would do just about anything to have the chance to relive, maybe even change a thing or two. the ones that you never forget. the ones where for a brief moment, everything comes together and makes sense. the ones in which you find complete strength and happiness. or maybe it wasn't even important, but for some reason, thinking back on it brings you happiness. but it meant something, and still does. it changed who you are for one reason or another and made you a better person for just being in that moment. ..defining moments. 5 cared enough to lie to me

how sad that this is what my life has been reduced to [22 Jul 2003|08:59am] [ mood | scared ] [ music | mercury rising - from autumn to ashes ] i'm starting to remember why i was so hesitant to stay here for a long time. he makes me feel like such an idiot.. for no reason what so ever. he yells at me constantly an puts me down, and makes me do shit that i don't even wanna do. i haven't been having a good time really, and last night i had such bad dreams.. the one right before i woke up was the worst. it's a continuing dream though, because i've had it before.. last night was like.. a sequal. it's one, where this girl randomly picks you, but she's a ghost and she's all pink and she's burnt and she looks really scary. so anyways, she just picks you, and she has these eyes.. once you look at her and make eye contact.. you can't look away, and that means you're gonna die. so she just stands there looking at you until you look at her, and if you don't then she attacks you, but she isn't the one who kills you, there's a guy that comes later on and he slits your throat and just comes after you with a huge knife. so anyways, i saw all my friends die, and i was the last one alive.. so i went upstairs (we were in some house) and i went to the bedroom and there was a guy in there, i forget who, and he was talking to someone invisible.. but then he wasn't invisible anymore i forget why, and we all went in the pool slash lake to go swimming.. and then we saw the guy, the one who kills people. and he had this face, it was unforgetable. and the look in his eyes was horrifying. so anyways, i got on the invisible guys back and he started swimming as fast as he could to get away.. but the guy was still catching up to us and the knife had blood all over it and ahh. and finally he caught up to us, and he killed the guy. and then he started swimming around me like sharks do i guess, like circling me, but he had the knife and it was cutting through the water and the blood wasn't coming off of it, and he just kept looking at me and then came towards me, and i woke up. what the fuck kind of dream is that man.. ahh i was too scared to go back to sleep. ahhh i just thought i'd share that ahaha sorry for the boringness! anyways i better go now, byebye! 1 cared enough to lie to me

i hope you're as happy as you're pretending. [21 Jul 2003|03:09pm] [ mood | thinking ] [ music | screaming infidelities - dashboard confessional ] i'm in calgary right now, i got here yesterday. the flight was the longest flight of my life.. i was sitting next to an old couple.. i think they had been together all their lives because they seemed perfectly content sitting there in silence with eachother. i hope to have that kind of bond and connection or type of relationship where i can be that happy and comfortable one day =). hmm.. i miss people so much right now, i haven't talked to like my life in forever!! ahaha i miss scarlett, saturday with her was the best, i could never go on without her, she makes me too happy!! i'm glad i'm away though, it really gives me a chance to think about everything, it's good i like it. ahhh and i might get to meet lisa while i'm here!! woo i hope i do she's great! but i forgot her pictures again ahhh she's gonna flip!! =( the lyrics underneath, probly aren't towards the person most of you think it is, but regardless, they mean so much to me in so many ways right now.. i'm reading your note over again, there's not a word that i comprehend, except when you sign it, "i'll love you always, and forever" * gi-normous sad face to match my broken heart.. * i'll try and post as often as possible. bye! 2 cared enough to lie to me

just maybe understanding has been waiting.. [19 Jul 2003|01:14am] [ mood | perplexed ] [ music | 80's movie antihero - over it ] this wont be long.. just a quick post to say bye and maybe i'll have e-mail there.. if i do.. maybe i'll keep in touch if i feel the need, if not.. it's because i've chosen to take the time away to think. perhaps figure out what it is that i do wrong everytime, why my feelings dont get acknowledged, like the previous post.. maybe it wasnt clear. whatever who cares.. fuck it all. 5 cared enough to lie to me

best friends means i pulled the trigger, best friends means you get what you deserve.. [18 Jul 2003|11:01pm] [ mood | indescribable ] [ music | there's no "i" in team - taking back sunday ] this is dedicated to you; i hope you know who you are.. Soaking in sympathy from friends who never loved you nearly half as much as me.. no matter where life takes us, or where we are 3 years from now, i want you to know a few things. although things are up in the air right now and nothing's for certain, you caused me pain. i don't know that anyone has ever been able to hurt me the way you could. my saying that is meant to be taken as a compliment. the things we've been through have been.. undeniably and indubitably the most painful, yet.. irreplaceable. everything has been perfectly devestating and i wouldn't trade it for the world. we were brought together for a reason, and if everything we were brought together for has been accomplished and fulfilled, i don't know that i'm ready to move on. but at this point, i'm not sure that i have the right to feel like that. it doesn't seem right that we even have a relationship anymore. things are changing.. fast. i know you've already gone your way, but the question is.. am i ready to go mine? whether or not i'm ready isn't relevant anymore. i need to be. i've gotten a little off track here, but.. what i'm trying to say is thank you. thank you for everything you've done for me. thank you for everything you've helped me with. thank you for everything you've taught me and pulled me through. thank you for being there for me. thank you for being my friend. thank you for putting up with me and my shit. thank you for trying to help in every possible way. thank you for "loving me". thank you for being someone i could talk to. thank you for giving me hope. thank you for believing in me. thank you for all the money. thank you for seemingly wanting to be around me. thank you for making me a better person. thank you for understanding, but most of all.. thank you for helping me to see that friends are the ones who leave you most vulnerable when they let you down. you were simply amazing. i cannot put into words all the things that i'm feeling right now, but regret is certainly one of them. i regret not being able to be a better person for you. i also regret not taking advantage of the time we had. but regardless how many things i regret, they don't change the future. it only helps me to maybe realize that i can be better, and that the bond we shared.. can be shared between many. i've managed to fuck this up, but don't worry about it. i know you've found other people out there, people who are better than i ever was and i could ever be. it was inevitable, but i'll find others too. dont worry, cause soon you're not gonna have to talk to me, you're not gonna have to see me. maybe things will be easier that way, but it'll be alright. i know it will, maybe because.. i'll find a reason to be happy, maybe someone will be able to bring me happiness without giving me the occasional false hope, or maybe they wont deceive me. but dont be sorry for your lies, "best friends means you get what you deserve".. i will too. however, i am sorry. i'm sorry you denied me. i'm sorry i pushed you to the point where you felt you had to lie. i'm sorry for not being one to point out your faults, like you pointed out mine. i'm sorry getting to know me was too much work. i'm sorry i wasn't good enough, and i'm sorry i wasted 3 years of your time. but i am not sorry for letting go. this isn't a goodbye or an "i'll see you around". this is what needed to be said on my part. this is what i've been waiting to do for a long time, it's an "i wish you the best with all that i cannot help you with in the future and all that i never could. i wish you nothing but the best of luck with all that's to come. you always know where i am, dont let the 5 minutes between us stand in the way like it has recently (for both of us)." i'll love you, forever. i chose to disallow comments on this post for the simple reason that i don't want a response to this. i don't wanna hear about this or what you have to say, whether it be positive or negative, i feel that this will be best. i hope you understand.

should've done something but i've done it enough.. [18 Jul 2003|12:56am] [ mood | irritated ] [ music | im in the mood to hear.. the used ] -- Goal you'd like to achieve: figure out what "being happy" really means. I'd also like to live an accomplished life and learn all that i can while i'm here, and by death.. be satisfied with who i've become and how i got there. lie to me

with a bottle of kerosene she found her freedom [17 Jul 2003|01:46pm] [ mood | excited ] [ music | white wedding dress - boy sets fire ] well, 3 days till i leave! ahh yes im excited. i'm not sure what's going on today? but i know there's an explaination!! so its ok =) but tomorrow will be good! i get to see deenabis! haha im excited for her, she did well in summer school! and tomorrow we're having a rendez-vous haha, we have no idea what we're gonna be doing all day but oh well it's still gonna be insane! i don't have any music to go away with, so for the whole time i'm gonna be like.. dead. ah well i'll live. hopefully while i'm there my dad will buy me some clothes! i'm still in a state of "flabbergastation", if you will. i've realized some things lately, that hurt, a lot, but it's time for me to move on, and although it may be hard, it's time. i need to get rid of some of the people i have in my life right now. all we do is cause eachother unnecessary pain, no one needs that in their life. i didn't have the strength to walk away before, but this time i hope things turn out differently. 3 cared enough to lie to me

everything that you could never say would never matter anyway [16 Jul 2003|11:20pm] [ mood | amused ] [ music | mr. chainsaw - alkaline trio ] nothing you do even matters anymore.. it's gotten to the point where i dont care.. and thats how i know things shouldnt be this way anymore.. goodbye and good luck being you. 3 cared enough to lie to me

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