12:35am 11/11/2003
 
mood: amused
music: the running of anna's shower
I have a crush on a boy.
And the thing about crushes is, at least for me,
That they force me not to take myself so seriously.
How can you when using a word like 'crush' in reference
to yourself? It's such a light-hearted ... silly word.
Being in this position (of having a crush) while
at the same time consuming mass amounts of codeine (for medical purposes)
is rather amusing...
This morning I had myself fully convinced that the proper thing
For me to do would be to go to the boy in question and inform
him of my crush...because I hate mind games and pretending, and guessing...
and so the only way to be true to myself would be to knock on
his door and just say it out loud...with or without his roommate or anyone
else present.

And I almost did it.
Fortunately both Sandy and Rachael, upon hearing about my 'brilliant'
plan suggested that I wait until the drugs are no longer in my veins.

Ah, I amuse myself to great lengths some days.

And then there was the wedding shower, which
was not nearly as painful as I thought.
Love... I remember the days in which I could not reconcile myself to its existence.
And how I still lie and tell people I have no interest in it.
"If I do not try then I cannot really fail"
Why is this my life motto?
Did I not agree with whomever it was who wrote "The Dead"
and cried out that it would be far better to live a full but short life
rather than slowly die but never live?
Do I not also live with a fear of the ordinary?
When did I wake up and stop wanting to take risks?

"Children...don't stop dancing.
BELIEVE you can fly."		  
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