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Friday, July 21st, 2006
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6:09 pm - d.i.s.e.n.c.h.a.n.t.e.d.
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like a helium balloon that has just been left too long.
that's me.
unable to look you in the eye
because i am nothing but a shell
when we're together
only alive with the rare few
who breathe just enough into me
to cope through another day
(please keep breathing)
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| Tuesday, May 9th, 2006
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9:23 am - so it turns out
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that myspace, which i do love, does not save blogs... and i'm not a fan of that. i like remembering and perusing. so until i come up with another solution i'm going to start hoarding my blogs here.. possibly switching back or possibly finding somewhere else...or returning to my book journal more faithfully, which im really toying with...............
thats it. my explanation...
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| Thursday, April 27th, 2006
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9:24 am - evading eyes...
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i know better than to be hurt
by these petty antics.
i know better than to be manipulated
by your loaded words.
your mass judgements of me
failing the mark, do not go
unnoticed
but i know better than to
let you reject me.
and yet...
i feel hurt.
i see manipulation
and i know i have been rejected.
...my protests fade into a whisper...
.my body matches my soul in brokenness.
and i prepare for the next step into the unknown.
i didn't realise it would ever be my turn and here i stand,
lives that have gone before me echoing in mine
i wade through the bullshit of religiousity and wonder where it leads to
*other than pain*
and i prepare myself for something that is 'no big deal' and everything
at the same time.
*protect me*
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| Saturday, November 5th, 2005
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11:31 pm
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so much silence has elapsed--
i breathe
and with that breathe everything rushes
quickly to my brain.
so many thoughts and fears and dreams and . . .
next to you i see me so differently than ever before.
everyone no longer sees individuals but 'us' and
you know how that scares me.
a stupid comment made to spark a stupid conversation
ends in tears and fears.
suddenly we both sit back in shock at my ...
what is it? what is this unbelievable inability to accept women versus men?
*i am so scared of losing me*
and it shows how little i trust both of us.
how easily i am riled
how easily i become defensive when they're only trying to help..
what am i running from and where is the end of this race?
why do i expect you to have expectations you do not?
why am i so afraid?
. . .
there are too many whys...
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| Thursday, September 29th, 2005
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10:25 am
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the sadness spilling out?
a bizarre sense of isolation
as 'shoulds' fill my ears
i feel small--
did i lose myself at the supermarket?
i'm not 'supposed' to feel lonely,
although its only that i feel guilty for it
not that i didn't expect it...
i never expected my world to change...
but it has...
you....have...
and we both watch me struggle for a grip
of control
like i apparently always have but
i've only ever seen it through your eyes.
the sadness spills.
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| Friday, September 16th, 2005
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12:58 pm
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more days than are countable have passed
since i've visited this site...since i've read the words
of my friends...since i've expressed.
now, here, at your house...searching for food
we'll both eat--me the food snob, you the opposite.
yesterday was the perfect example of what our life
will be...me with my small slices and vegetable tortilla wrap,
you with your sausage and potato wedges mountain.
*together we build a life*
i have ring on my finger that says forever will start soon.
and i anticipate the bizarre adventure forever will be.
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| Wednesday, August 24th, 2005
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10:38 am
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"the alternative is that we sit on the couch from here on in with the remote, eating chips, brushing the crumbs out of our cleavage, not giving ourselves new experiences, letting other's tell us which products will give us meaning and what we need live a fulfilled life."
'there is no choice here. either we change, or we wither.'
(keri Smith)
Emotions run rampant within me.
Excitement, happiness
to fear and trembling
i do not know you
am i becoming the books i read?
i do not know you
and i know you less every day
because knowing takes daily effort--
daily communication of souls
excitement, happiness,
to fear and trembling.
one second ready to jump forward
the next cowering behind anything
i do not know you
will your presence once again
dissipate my fears or
is this more?
we both fear
i do not know you
but even worse,
i do not know myself.
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| Monday, August 15th, 2005
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6:30 pm
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where am i?
wedding shops for
wedding dresses
but not for me
insecurities well over
panic threatens--
i am under this somewhere
weddings.engagements.rings.surround me
another one for me to miss,
my heart breaks again.
.i'm.so.sorry.
but i know that on the day i will not be missed
despite my missing.
another email, another phone call
to say 'i'm getting married'
i am so happy
and i don't feel happy.
sometimes it feels like instead of
drifting apart,
you are simply running in the opposite
direction
but then maybe so am i.
my three pillars.
the three i'd always choose.
(and knew they'd never choose me)
i don't need them anymore
and they don't need me
amidst this chaotic happiness
i feel...grief.
tell me it won't always be this way.
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| Saturday, August 6th, 2005
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10:27 am
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plans made and
unmade
dreams un-hatching
but hidden from view
conversations had, inspiration
planted
uncertainty masked as fear
suddenly not knowing anything
the difference between reality
and non-reality vague
do you see what is or what you expect to see?
tired eyes weigh heavily
confusion rules where clarity had made its bed
you?
it's becoming hazy
nothing feels real
things that are said out loud
become cemented
but i don't remember much
offense taken where it ought not be given
secret tears
kindred spirits, generations apart
love.
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| Friday, July 29th, 2005
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11:01 am
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I read a girly book today,
At work, I snuck it under my desk.
It was a book about the fairytale romance
That we all bump around pretending we don’t long for
And how it took one woman fifty years to tell her
Best friend, a male, that she loved him.
It wasn’t a great book, it wasn’t well written
And it was irritating in the format
…it made me sad…
Not for missing out on anything, cause have i?
But for how we accept lost for being found.
There are many things happening in my
Head … and heart … these days
I feel kind of like I’ve been vacuum-packed
And am watching it all from a distance in my
Secure, airless, home.
Two weeks till I finish
One week till I’m older
Three weeks till ?
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| Thursday, July 28th, 2005
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6:33 pm - mass produced identity
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one of my housemates has an oh-so-significant
ring on that oh-so-significant finger
causing me to be surrounded by books,
magazines and conversations about love, the ring,
the dress, and the occasion.
today's fact of the day was that you are supposed
to spend approx 2 months way on your engagement ring.
when i think of how many people i know who could afford
to not have two months wage,
but how many people i know who have very sparkley rings
and very sparkley weddings
i am flabergasted. That's right, flabergasted.
*ashamed of my society*
i walked today, through town, as i often do.
i was overwhelmed with the people rushing in and out
of stores with massive bags filled--
with consumption.
do they need these items? not most of them...
but we all have everything to prove.
no one cares who we are, but rather what we appear to
be...
because our appearance informs them as to whether or not
we parrot the same cookie-cutter views...
we define ourselves by what we do or do not do,
by what we do or do not have...
i bought pretty brown trainers today.
it turns out they're a name brand. Who has ever heard of
diadora? I've always thought it was a rip-off company who was pretending to be
adidas...but i guess, now that i think about it, the names are
nothing alike.
i bought them without thinking, my bus was coming
but they were comfy and pretty and only £11!! I don't really have
comfy shoes.
And afterwards felt odd about this name brand thing.
But guess what?
That's ridiculous.
Who gives a flying ____ what name is on their heel?
It's just proof that I too buy into it all, just a different way.
I too have a mass produced identity--
the 'I don't' instead of the 'I do'
and the ring, the oh-so-significant one,
is lovely. when she was shopping for it she heard my voice
'i would never want...'
but today i was thinking and the truth is that yeah, if i
were choosing a ring for myself it'd take me years and it'd be
specifically what i would want...
but the significance is that it wasn't a ring she bought,
and it makes me sad that she had to choose it.
the significance was that it was bought for her and given to
her and symbolises. who cares what it looks like?
and it definitely didn't cost 2 months wages.
summer is depressing when you work with the homeless--
they multiply and there's nowhere for them to go.
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| Friday, July 15th, 2005
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10:28 pm
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With eyes blazing, legs firmly planted
And fists resting on hips
I wonder what it is you stand for
And I wonder if you remember
Where it all began
Doors slamming, voices raised
Storming feet down the street
I wonder what it is you fight for
And I wonder if you remember
Where it all began
Or was it that your parents lived
This life before you
And their parents maybe did the same?
Is this your choice or the path laid
Out before you
And like a lemming you walk in vain.
Little girls and little boys
With torn skirts and shirts and
Very skinned knees
What are you looking for?
But then, what can I say? What am I looking for?
Who am I? I am walking away from my first grown up
job, with no plans for what comes next. I am in a country
I expect to leave awhile ago, with no plans to go anywhere
(unless I’m running after you?). I am a contradiction
or a series of them. I am a mixture of what I want and what I
dread.
and tired, always tired. Counting the minutes, begging them
to pass but not knowing what happens once they have.
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| Wednesday, July 13th, 2005
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10:55 am
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today i saw some pictures of spain,
of the city you're going to,
and it reminded me of so many feelings
i've had in places not too disimilar.
there is something intoxicating about
things that are different, that are old and ancient
and foreign.
just the pictures reminded me of how
being there (in places like that) make you breathe
differently--
instead of oxygen you inhale inspiration.
you asked me questions of asia,
if i miss it and if the missing lessens with time
and i tell you that it changes but does not lessen.
i still remember their faces.
i still remember the way the air smelt.
i still remember the wonder of it all
and the isolation that it sometimes brought.
i am foreign here too.
it is no longer exotic because it is familiar
but i no longer loathe the familiar.
there are worse places in the world to have to go.
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| Tuesday, July 12th, 2005
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4:59 pm - feeding addictions
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Thurs: (not the best day)
bombs being unloaded,
inside and out--
it's not just you and me babe
things are exploding,
inside and out--
it's not just you and me babe
people are dying,
inside and out--
it's not just you and me babe
people are broken,
everywhere you look--
it's not just you and me babe.
---
And now today. So many days later, is this
the same world?
i hesitate but do not be insecure in my reasons
i want what you want, i think
i am not so scared now
just waiting
to see what choice arrives beyond
a, b and c
i hand my notice in today,
but my boss has already been told
by the only coworker i told
oh well
that's life
secrets unkept
decisions made for you
what next? do i regret my forthcoming
decision to leave this position?
no.
yes.
no.
but i am sad.
not too sad to smile though.
not too sad to enjoy the heat though
not too sad to dream a little though
(or an ickle?)
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| Tuesday, July 5th, 2005
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9:38 am - a horrible secret
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| Monday, July 4th, 2005
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10:01 pm
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I watched the sun set tonight-
Blink and colours and change
As it falls into the other hemisphere
And leaves ours for the night
I watched the sun set tonight—
Leaning out of my office window
Inhaling as much cool air as possible
Pretending to be anywhere but here
You told me I am beautiful, today.
And you (another) wrote me a poem, today.
And you (another) told me you like me, today.
And you (another) wept for me, today.
Tension builds, not unfamiliarly.
When I bought my chai latte at my favourite little café
the owner told me just to keep waiting for santa, he must be
coming soon.
I like it.
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| Sunday, July 3rd, 2005
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3:31 pm
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there are some people in life
who you can count on to
believe in you.
i don't mean your mum and your dad
and your boyfriend and your best friend
since the third grade...although any one of
those many be one of these people.
*But there are some people who believe
and don't have to.*
My 43 year old kindred spirit who said
'i've seen a glimpse of who you are... you don't
need to be afraid.'
and
'you are priceless'
the one who chose me for leadership
even when i break the mold and have
mud on my face.
he believes in me.
he also says lots of other stuff,
like 'take a shit and get off the toilet'
(meaning stop your whining and get on with life)
but he believes in me...and he doesn't have to.
and that feeling, my knowing, is
liberation
empowerment.
i hope i learn to pass that on.
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| Saturday, July 2nd, 2005
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10:22 pm
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sacred.
I go through phases in which
more or less things are sacred in my life.
when things are not sacred, it is
often a sign--
a sign of self neglect, of avoidance.
my showers have always been sacred--
I hate being spoken to during the shower process
but as of late i feel guilty when i shower.
drinking tea is sacred. nothing work or stress
related is allowed to be done or spoken of while i
drink tea.
i hate that i feel vulnerable tonight because of that man.
i hate that people prey on other people.
i am tired of wishing i were anywhere but here.
can i hand my notice in yet?
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| Sunday, June 26th, 2005
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6:52 pm
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i feel the way i feel
when i am left alone
for too long.
the antsy, lonely,
detached from reality
longing for more
and contact but knowing
that if it were here now
i might shy away
wishing the seconds would
pass but each second
feels like a cavern of time
tomorrow is so far away
today feels so empty.
EMPTY HOUSE inside my
head.
nothing is wrong
i am just pounding on the
walls
and i am reminded, again,
how no one will ever truly
communicate with another.
you will never feel my feelings,
hear my thoughts.
they will always be sifted
through my verbal failings and
your own perceptions.
it feels so.........cold inside my head.
i think there's a draft ...
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5:50 pm
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I just feel like talking. So I will. Spice things up, shall I?
Last night I behaved very un-shirah like. (i think)
I sat on my couch watching parts of movies, one being about
the G8 Summit that was quite good, eating breadsticks with
cottage cheese. Drinking wine (a whole bottle it turns out). Alone.
The alone part is the un-shirah part. I ended up watching When
Harry Met Sally till 1 in the morning. Did I mention I was alone?
I did bring down my computer and wrote poetry for awhile. That
was once my eyeballs began to feel like they were floating.
Today R-L and I went to a MASSIVE carboot sale. I bought binoculars
and a lovely pottery pitcher that I may use as a vase. Well. Probably
not. I'll probably leave it on my shelf saying that I'd use it as a vase.
But when do I ever actually go through with my inclinations to buy myself
flowers? (and no this isn't a hint it's just a rambling).
I'm having a Canada Day party on Friday. I haven't really invited anyone.
Today I invited Modus. They used to be my life. The drummer and the guitarist
mostly. Interesting that I say drummer first when I spent my time with the
guitarist. The drummer is getting married in a few months to the girl he
lives with. He had a bad effect on me, even though he was fun. I think that's
why they're not my life anymore. But they're coming to my party. The party
I wish I wasn't hosting because I hate hosting parties. Only because I feel responsible
and... left out. odd i know.
i want to curl up in a ball and be looked after. not petted or patronised.
maybe just with ... someone. you.
but i'm at work. as usual.
and when that stops you might be gone.
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