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[19 Aug 2007|06:16pm] |
I hate roasted chicken. I smell it cooking. I absolutely hate eating it. I will not eat it tonight. Good thing because....
I am still wavering between 147 and 150 lbs every day and it is the end of my fucking rope. I'm tired of this shit. I've started to eat more and more out of SPITE because this is ridiculous. I shouldn't still be overweight. I saw myself in a mirror at a store today and finally saw how different I look with these extra 20 lbs. It's like someone took a normal person and squished them a foot on photoshop. Just a fucking stump who can't lose weight for shit. Who keeps gaining for WHAT REASON!? My mother keeps yelling at me. No matter what I do, it's not good enough. I exercise an hour every day and that's not good enough. I have to GO TO BED EARLIER now. What, is 10/11 not early enough? I wake up at 9:30! It's not like she's helping by buying OREOS and TASTEY KAKES like no one's business. But no, I go for the corn flakes. I eat every four to five hours and I don't eat that much. I snack on fucking string beans.
I can't even fit into MEDIUM sized shirts anymore because my arms are so effing huge. I used to be a small. I've gone up a pant size and I'm just ridiculous looking. The only parts of me that have not gained an ounce? My chest (and face/neck but whatever). I wish I were NORMAL.
Now I have to go back to school, which screwed me up in the first place. I looked like HELL for about three weeks after coming home for summer break this year, says everyone. It's true. That place destroyed me. And I don't have any close friends there. Not one. It was such hell last year. Such utter and complete hell. I was sick all the time and my allergies caused me to have asthma, which I never had before. I've been crying nightly thinking about going back. And don't anyone tell me to transfer. Dear god I'm tired of that shit. I am not a college person! I DO NOT ENJOY COLLEGE IN GENERAL. I KNEW I'd be like that. I just didn't know it'd be so severe. I don't like being around people. I don't like going out or making friends. I like being ALONE. But I've always had family, and without that I NEED to make friends. But there were so many utterly annoying people there that just couldn't understand me, my personality, that I'd spend my year AVOIDING them.
And I spent a whole month basically breathing at 2% lung capacity and using a fast-acting inhaler twice a DAY, benadryl 6 times a DAY, and my regular allergy medicine every DAY. I couldn't think or breathe and I was just so angry and miserable all the time that I just cried all the time. It was like camp that lasted FOREVER. I hate camp.
OH and I forgot to mention going to the ALLERGIST, part 2. First of all, I hate every single doctor I go to, except for my eye doctor. Each of them does not listen to me, and seem to try really hard to make me uncomfortable. I have ALWAYS exited an appointment almost in tears just because of the experience. This is no exception. Those assholes. First they tell me they can't do the fresh fruit scratch test (which I BROUGHT ALL THIS FRESH FRUIT FOR), then they decide to do all the tests at once. Then they mix up my breathing tests with some old lady and make me do stuff all over again. THEN the doctor accuses me of cheating on my peak flow test, but did he ask me if I were an athlete or a musician? no. He wouldn't let me tell him that I wasn't able to breathe well that day and that's why I blew a 490 at the doctors office (and I didn't get a chance to do it well, either. because they only let me do it once). So he assumed that 490 was my average when REALLY I should be taking advair for numbers that low. Every time we tried to ask questions, he kept talking about how I need allergy shots no matter what. I just want to know WHY THE FUCKING HELL I HAVE TO TAKE FOUR MEDICATIONS A DAY for allergies that aren't even bad (I'd take five-six medications for bad allergies). He assumed Zyrtec-D doesn't work for me (it does.), and gave me all this other, expensive crap. I hate taking medicine. Now I'm some old person.
Then my mom ransacks the office to find me. She comes in, and the tell me to get undressed for the scratch test. SO I START, and LIKE 3 PEOPLE COME IN. NO ONE SAYS ANYTHING. mom just smiles, doesn't even say anything, and NO ONE APOLOGIZES. I start LAUGHING it's ridiculous. Because people walk in and I say "UM OKAY I GUESS YOU'RE GOING TO WALK IN and I GUESS I'M DONE" (to which not one person responded). Then, while I'm half naked in a paper sheet, mom decides to get lenny from the waiting room so he's not scared WHAT THE FUCK. He'S THIRTEEN YEARS OLD AND HE HAS A BOOK. I don't want ANYONE in there but no one listens to me. They just get angry when I say I don't want them in there. I respect my privacy, but no one else does.
Then they do these tests, and I react badly to everything. Lemons, limes, peach, plum, nectarines, radish, kiwi, mango, apple you freaking name it. I'm not even allowed to necessarily "eat" any of the above anymore. Then they do a needle test where they inject allergens under your skin to see if they react. FIFTEEN of them. It was actually painful. I reacted pretty badly to most of those and I STILL AM (see left arm with an oddly-aligned row of bug-bite looking things.
I still have no idea what I'm supposed to do. I refuse to take medication, so every day at the stand I'm itchier than ever before, to the point where I'm begging for hydrocortisone cream.
I'm just so pissed off right now. All I want to do is:
1) Stop working starting now.
2) Stay home every day until school
3) Practice my instruments and organize my shit.
I don't want to go out. I don't want to see people because I'm so completely and utterly loathing myself in every aspect of life right now.
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[19 Aug 2007|09:16pm] |
I vented, did some crunches, played some bad clarinet and watched extreme makeover and now I feel slightly better. But tomorrow's monday, which is ADJSKADJSAKDA. In better news, here's what I bought today:
Steve and Barry's:
Grey sweater
Music hoodie
Generic white t-shirt
Button tank sweater thing
Jeans.
Victoria's Secret:
BRAwr.
Barnes and Noble:
Jazz by Toni Morrison
Horse Latitudes (poetry) by Paul Muldoon
Bed Bath and Beyond:
Back pillow thing (that everyone has)
Power squid
Still need:
Good smelling stuff from VS
Tapes from Aunt Julie
CVS goods (bathstuff, hairstuff, prescriptions, etc.)
Non-rotting makeup
box of Reeds for the year
self esteem.
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| Autism |
[19 Aug 2007|11:03pm] |
Remember how my kindergarten teacher asked my mother if I was autistic? Well I found this autism quotient test, for adults, online, and took it! I'm probably not austitic!
That being said, I got a higher-than-average score for a normal person. That's because I love organizing things and hate people. But that's okay!
I'd post the link if I weren't a lazy ass.
[Edit/Disclaimer: I never actually thought I was autistic, I just took the test for fun]
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