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[08 Nov 2006|10:07pm] |
Hmm. well, I'm at a pretty bad place right now. It's not princeton's fault, it's college in general, my lack of direction, the difficulty, etc.
I've gotten support from an odd cross section of people in my life. It's actually quite interesting. And to those people, I thank you soooo much and am sorry that you have to deal with my crap. I've also been completely ignored by people I know are fully aware of how I'm doing. Then there're people who prob just think this is how I normally am (it isn't, it's worse) and still talk to me like normal, which is probably what I would do to and I thank THOSE people for still dealing with me as well.
I want ya'll to know that I am fully aware that I overreact and I hate myself for feeling like this. It's not like anyone has died. It's not like I have 2 months to live. But in the context of my life, and the way I'm reacting to things, I'm very "down." I'm not necessarily mourning myself, but I'm not happy. I peak at feeling "alright." No matter how good one's life is, anyone can feel this way and it sucks no matter what.
I'm afraid to talk to actual people about it. I still feel like everything I'm feeling is bullshit. There are a few people (mostly adults) who have actually offered to listen to me. Sometimes I hint at it, quite obviously, but I have been told so many times not to be such a downer that, IN PERSON, I hide it like hell. Everytime I talk to someone from home, or meet someone, I'm fighting back tears. WHY? I could even sit through a dinner with family the other night without constantly pretending that my contacts were bothering me and staring at the table.
It's NOT HOMESICKNESS. I miss you all, but to normal degrees of normalcy that don't actually bother me that much. It just means so much to me to have somebody talk to me, and care, that I feel like I want to spill everything, just EVERYTHING, but I can't, and I keep fake smiling and it's so hard.
I don't want ya'll to drop your crap and be like OMG JULIANNE! because that's just a selfish thing to say. But I want everyone to kind of just...know. I don't know. It helps, somehow.
So. There's MY side of the story.
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