| hmm. this is a weird entry. |
[19 Sep 2006|10:46pm] |
college is a lack of freedom and an onset of freedom that I do not enjoy. for example: I cannot run around making noises or slap the nearest person roaming the halls. I cannot sit up all night on finale writing music. I cannot sit up all night on photoshop making fun of things. I cannot sit in the bandroom (this in itself was an amazing luxury). My life was never a social one. I enjoy doing things on my own time but having a strict academic schedule, whereas here mine is still up in the air. I did not come to college to make connections; I came out of necessity. I am taking required core requirements that do not excite me as of yet, whereas courses in high school did...whether it was because I knew people, I liked the teachers, I liked the style, I don't know. I knew I would hate the concept of the Lecture. They are interesting, but do not move me to act. There are too many basic "comforts" missing for me to focus on my studies yet. My mind is in a million different places. For once I have to worry about when to eat and when to shower, where to put my things and how to fix problems independently, where to put my homework, where to do my homework, what my homework actually is, schedules for this that and the other thing, and everything has yet to be consolidated which is very bothersome. I rotate between taking things one day at a time and looking toward the future, looking at the past. There are too many things to do in a day and I feel as though I've been here for months, not barely over a week. I'm finding it hard to be organized, which has always been a problem but never of this magnitude, as now I have to organize 100% more details of my life. I miss the presence of people and things I knew well and hate this unfamiliarity. I am comfortable with no one, and I know it will take me a very long time to be comfortable around any person and I never realized how much of a luxury it is to just have one person with whom you are comfortable to see every day. Daily i drag myself to things I promised myself I would try; try to accept the fact that i can't do all that I want to do. For the first time in my life talking on AIM isn't so much fun because I truly miss the company of everyone individually. I know that the last time my life was even remotely like this was in kindergarten, but I don't have 13 years here. My niche is out there somewhere and I can only hope that I will be able to move forward, because right now I'm in a state of comparing things to the past, people places and things and only finding that my setting is better than before. But nothing else compares. Even I appear frazzled on a daily basis, and am probably going to gain weight because i eat once a day and feel terrible. I want to be able to move past comparing but that's who I've always been. I cried in the beginning of senior year because I missed the seniors from before. I cried at the end of eleventh grade because it was the end of school and I actually didn't want summer to begin. i kept comparing the present to the past but within two weeks I adjusted; essentially only a few things had changed. Can i use that same function to predict how long it will take me to adjust to this place? I'm afraid that only until I feel in my place, feel myself, that i will be able to take advantage of what princeton has to offer and perform successfully. I connect myself emotionally far too strongly.
I feel as though i will fall into that category of people for whom high school was the greatest time of their lives. And usually those are the popular kids with a social presence in the class, but I wasn't. I was talking to my mother and she mentioned how my brother is enjoying band so much and I said "Good, because those were the best times of my life" and it caused me to really reflect: can I emotionally end that chapter and begin a new one or will I forever be daydreaming of what was? Can I ever be satisfied with the kid sitting next to me in class never tapping my shoulder to tell me a joke, or the clarinet section being obliviously out of tune and tone, or my professors not ever REALLY knowing me, jumping on desks, yelling at the chow wagon outside...? Because I don't really think I can.
I am not like you. I'm friendly but reserved, i find it hard to be attracted to people in any sort of way. College hasn't changed me yet, it hasn't been a blast, i haven't tried new things and been the picture perfect freshman in every admissions movie. I don't like mixers and I loathe small talk. I don't drink, I eat my meals alone out of necessity, I debate going to lectures, I am messy, I'm not thrilled with the idea of "meeting bff garodaonnana for a flooormmeeetting HALL 6 RULESSSSs," I mean maybe I was for the first few days but I'm completely over the idea of overly caring about people I've known for a few days. I wish i could be an emotionally disconnected male who drinks alcohol. It is the only way, for now.
until later, i bid you adios.
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