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"I've been trying to see things from your point of view, but I cant get my head that far up my ass"
I thought I was getting better. I really did. I was feeling happier again. I was deciding to just let it go with Chris again. I was going to just live life again. I was even starting to hope that maybe, just maybe I wasn't ugly again.
Then that person.
When he first started to bash me, I didn't really care. Sure it pissed me off a bit, but I was okay. I knew he was being an idiot, even though much of what he said about me was true, none of it made me a bad person. A bit insane, but not bad. Then more people got in on it. I felt outnumbered. No one came to my aide. Other users just sat back and watched the drama, and the rest decided to be 'cool' and join in. Okay. I can handle that. They were all being just as lame in there arguements as he. I kept my cool, posting only to correct them and ask them to shut up. Finally Jason decided to act, after about what? A week of this? Maybe more, I don't remember. But to me, the matter was settled (thank gosh) and I could finally stop stressing over where the next insult was going to come from. I made a board to apologize, hoping when they saw I had no hard feelings they'd do something along the lines of "Oh, I'm sorry, too." But no. The only one who reassured me was Jason, who had done nothing wrong except wait too long. The only other reply was a post from Jamie, informing me that I loved drama. Everyone else was silent. One made a lame little excuse. He was pissed that day. He was pissed, and that gave him the right to join in on the group that decided to treat me like shit. Whatever, okay, they're asses. Life moves on.
And then he posts here.
The creep. He disgusts me. He hides behind the internet and decides to spread his filth. It shouldn't bother me. It really shouldn't. Actually, at first it didn't bother me. I was angry, sure. I was frustrated by his stupidity, sure. But it didn't bother me very much. It did a little, of course, but not really. Because I'm not really annoying, am I? I'm not really a loser because of an LJ name.. am I? And just because I've never met Chris... am I really that pathetic? No. Of course not. And even if I am a loser... oh well. That doesn't mean I suck as a person. Right? Of course not.
I wait to see if chris is coming on today. He'll comfort me. 10:00 rolls around and he's still not here. I log off, go upstairs, go to change into my PJ's... and pass a mirror. And make the mistake of looking in. Oh lord. My nose isn't that big... is it? And my face... perfect skin my ass. It's red, blotchy, nothing like those popular girls with perfect makeup. My hair.. I thought my hair was the only pretty thing about me.. it's not great. Not great at all. It's bushy and tangled and ugly. I'm not beautiful. Not at all. I wonder how the others look at me... that quiet, akward girl in the corner who never knows what to say and laughs at all the wrong times. I am a loser. I am a freak. I don't want to get up tomorrow and face them. I want to crawl in a hole and just die. Then they won't have to bother about digging my grave. They can just throw some dirt over me and be done with it.
I hate you. I hate you with all my heart and soul like I have never hated anyone before. Your vileness repulses me. I am amazed at how you manage to say such things... and not even care about that there is actually a person on the other screen. A living, breathing person with thoughts and feelings and hopes and insecuities just like anyone else. And I know you won't understand this, I know you've been snickering all along. 'That stupid little dork. Look at her now being all dramatic and shit. What a freak.' And that's what really kills me. How people like you can just go on like that, blissfully ignorant of what they do to others in their own blundering stupidity. Yeah, it was one stupid comment from a nothing like you. It shouldn't have bothered me. But I guess you were the straw that broke the KoW's back.
I have lost all faith in humanity.
~Don't Judge a Person Until You've Walked a Mile In Their Shoes..~
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exhausted