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(Tell me what I want to hear) I'm still alive [30 Jan 2006|07:20pm] [ mood | nostalgic ] I am now snowkissed

(Tell me what I want to hear) bye [08 Nov 2003|07:22pm] [ mood | indescribable ] I'm not writing anymore.

(Tell me what I want to hear) if you need me, you know I'll be there [08 Nov 2003|06:25am] [ mood | touched ] [ music | All You Wanted - Michelle Branch ] It's six thirty in the morning and I just watched Mike finally propose to Phoebe... *sigh* Screen proposals are just amazing... But this time, it wasn't actually perfect. He tried to propose at a Knicks game, on the score board but someone else did it before him, and Phoebe commented that it was a lame-ass way to propose. He had to run off to cancel his proposal. Phoebe found out, of course and the rest of the gang suggested she propose to him instead, the exact same way cos he'll never expect it. It almost didn't happen cos just before the sign came on, he said he needed to pee... But she made him stay, and she proposed. And he just zoned out... And the crowd was booing em, saying Mike had no balls and Phoebe was wearing the pants. Finally, at dinner the next night she tried to alleviate the situation by joking about it. She assured him that whenever and however he intended to propose, she'd say yes. Be it on a scoreboard at a basketball or baseball game, or sky writing, or cheesy movie guys who hides rings in cakes... At which point he stops and stares at his own cake. And she stares too. She apologized profusely. She had no idea why she kept screwing it up! Mike said he didn't care. He was going to do it. He took the ring out, and proposed (the proposal was beautiful, but too tired to get the script). She said yes. Mike: I love you. Phoebe: I love you more. Mike: Not possible... Gets off his knees and kisses her. *swoon* But I guess things like that do happen in real life. Heck, it must've taken a real-life person to have thought of that kind of proposal anyway. You know, girls always dream about their weddings. The guys may get anal about the whole planning of the wedding and stuff but we girls have been planning it since we were five... I'm not every girl but I guess most of them do think about the perfect proposal, the perfect ring, the perfect wedding, the perfect man. They plan exactly how the guy will propose, and where. Me? The only thing I can fathom is the ring. It's the only thing that won't change. The only thing that isn't original. The only thing that can be perfect. The imperfections can be fun. Imagine someone tripping on the train on the day of the ceremony. Or have proposal bloopers like Mike and Phoebe. When you get right down to it, are you marrying the marriage, or the man? Oh, the sun has risen. ( sheabutter's seven stolen sins )

(Tell me what I want to hear) I never wanted to let you down [08 Nov 2003|04:26am] [ mood | scared ] Can't sleep. To be precise, I can't fall back asleep. Been awake since two in the morning. I have tuition later. But I guess it wouldn't really matter. I'm a morning person so I guess I'll have reserve batteries. See what I mean when I say the worst things happen during the biggest exams? I can expect that when I'm taking my graduation exam, my exam for honours degree or God knows what, I'll expect someone will die -_- At this point in time, I don't see any light at the end of a tunnel. Heck.. what tunnel... Feels like I've been running a marathon... And I got through all the obstacles, thinking the worst is finally over; that I crossed the finish line and then someone tells me I'm actually not done yet. The run ain't over. The worst thing is, now I can't see the finish line anymore. People say I'm dreaming I'm indecisive I'm strong I'm not determined I'm weak I'm stupid I'm smart I have attitude I see things in a different light I never stand up for myself I have problem with authority I'm quiet I'm a great listener I'm a horrible listener I'm spoiled I'm temperamental I'm mental I'm pitiful I'm well-off I'm poor I'm too nice I'm a bitch I don't even know which of it is true anymore. Maybe they all are. Makes sense, in a stupid kind of way. Everyone gets to see a different side of you. Who gets to see it all?

(2 lies | Tell me what I want to hear) steel-plated heart [08 Nov 2003|04:13am] [ mood | angry ] I'm not going to be indecisive. I don't want to be. Fuck, I hate appearing weak. I hate weak. Hate it hate it hate it. Reason comes only after instinct speaks first. Then water it with lots and lots of nourishing rage. Voila. A cold-hearted bitch out for revenge. I have to see it. If not for me, at the very least for the people who are fighting for me. I will see it. Haha. I want to see it.

(Tell me what I want to hear) this is the story of a girl who cried a river and drowned the whole world [07 Nov 2003|06:05pm] [ mood | blank ] Don't really know what to say now. No hugs, no kisses, no soothing words. Just left with a cruel, empty sort of satisfaction and a big bucket of tears. I started with those two lines about an hour ago. And then I left it at that cos I really didn't know what to say. I guess things have stabilised by now. At least the faucet's turned off, thanks to Josie. Crying is not my thing. I don't "cry at the drop of a hat". Josie, Mitch and Zi Heng (no bloody idea who he is) came over and I didn't even know until I left the room to pass the phone to Jerome. Me, looking like a wreck suddenly face to face with Mitchell Chang. I just made some sort of choking noise and ran back to my room. But seriously, thank God for Josie... He talked me through every thing (while holding a box of tissues to a blanket wrapped lump that was me) , logically, objectively and still managed to sound nice and make me laugh (which almost made me cry again). Here's another instance where someone tells me what I'm like without my even realising. Funny... cos when he started I thought I was going to get blamed again but at the very end of it, he made it all better. :') To everyone who heard me out and offered help (though it's probably better not to mention names), thanks a mil. I love ya..

(Tell me what I want to hear) midnight carnival [06 Nov 2003|11:49pm] [ mood | crappy ] Wilson here. I was there. Not all the time, and not during the important bits. But I was present towards the end, and after. And I'm disgusted. Not at everyone; just a very sober someone How sober? Sober enough to hustle himself (and me) out of the house. Sober enough to repeat his wish to accompany me back home; irregardless of bus route. Tonight left a bad taste in my mouth.

(Tell me what I want to hear) what the fuck... [06 Nov 2003|11:41pm] [ mood | sick ] Something feels wrong. I'm feeling so very very very sick... But that doesn't mean I don't know what happened. I was a little tipsy, but I still know what happened. I know what I said. I know what I did. I feel like digging out my stomach... urgh... it's pure torture writing this... I know what happened. I know what you did. I'll remember. We'll remember. Because I wrote this.

(Tell me what I want to hear) ... [06 Nov 2003|04:18pm] [ mood | disappointed ] [ music | Right Thurr ] I can't believe no one told me there was a lecture today. Thanks for caring.

(Tell me what I want to hear) friendster destroys [06 Nov 2003|01:32pm] [ mood | blah ] Haha... Jan just called to complain about Jerome again.. Apparently this time it was because of Friendster. I told you that thing is evil. Evil fun, no less but still evil. His profile stated that he was single, even though he was with Jan (according to the last time he logged in, yes they were already together the last time he checked). Then she started ranting about how guys can't take a hint and accusing him of wanting to put 'single' so that he can still feel available. Well I told her that guys can't take hints so you just gotta be straight with em... And that when you log onto your friendster account, you don't actually get to see your profile unless you actually want to, which is probably why he didn't bother to change it, or just plain forgot about it. (Though it didn't help that nearly everyone I know in friendster who actually is in a relationship, did state clearly that they were in one... dammit... now it's my turn to get crabby....) The funny thing is how I actually said all those things to her, when it didn't even occur to me when I was complaining about the very same thing a while ago... Not saying that I'm totally ok with it now... Just that I don't exactly have time to go and duke it out. Afterall, oui'mm hajan ghuf ev oui muja sa un hud ihdem E's kuha.

(Tell me what I want to hear) All you need is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure. [06 Nov 2003|10:32am] [ mood | optimistic ] Mornin's here again! Happy happy! I have a lot of stuff planned for today... And I WILL DO THEM. Oh, for those who went to watch Matrix Revolutions yesterday, how'd it go? Haha... here's what Wilson thought of it... "Do not, DO NOT watch matrix revolutions unless you enjoy gnomic pseudo intellectual dialogue and cliched war speeches. And upside down dragonball kung foolishness. You should watch it, though, if you want to hear Cooking According To Smith. Cookies need love and care. Just like people." I'll still watch it, of course, just to see how it ends. I see a great day ahead! Time to get crackin! Catch ya on the flip side! "There is a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy. Her heart." - Melanie Griffith

(Tell me what I want to hear) star light, star bright, first star I see tonight... [05 Nov 2003|09:50pm] [ mood | hopeful ] I sorta kinda wish that there was someone out there who would write me a story. A story about a Thanksgiving dinner. I guess I haven't had a story written for me in a long while, but I never stopped writing. If anything, that is one of the few things I didn't give up on. (And in my defense, Orange is complete). The last Christmas dinner I actually enjoyed was seven years ago. After that, it's just been awkward family get-togethers where no matter what I do, the whole feeling just isn't right. Like I walked into the wrong house and ate at the wrong table with the wrong family. For once, just once, I want to spend Thanksgiving or Christmas with people I actually love and care about. I'm talking to JJ and Shiyan now. What started as a conversation about Christmas has been led in a totally different direction. Not happy directions, either. JJ's really mad at alot of things... Things that we as the brady bunch are all linked to and clearly, my suggestion for ONE dinner with them was taken as a kickstart to alot of things he's been wanting to say (and did I mention that they are not happy things?)... I don't mean to be sour or ungrateful or whiny (though why I'm defending myself on my own blog is beyond me) but this holiday can seriously go either way. On the one hand, the relatives I like are about five thousand miles away, no x'mas tree for the fifth year running, I'm going to a graduation dinner where people at my very table may just be hating my guts out as I eat (while they're probably secretly hoping that I actually am eating my guts), he won't be around that night after it (<--grad night dream no. 1), Thea and Janna can't make be there either (on what is supposed to be one of the most important days of my life <-- grad night dream no. 2), the kids will be older, I'll be penniless, my fingers will probably be hemorrhaging by then, wind up with absolutely NO Christmas dinner whatsoever and... lol... But on the other hand, maybe it'll be great. Maybe, just maybe, Christmas can finally be good again. Amelia and I will be hanging out alot cos she is VITAL to one of my Christmas presents, there'll be Christmas shopping, the As will finally be over (and thus maybe just maybe I get to spend more time with him again -_-), I can write out my x'mas cards, try and meet up with old friends and get more money from dad... See? Maybe it won't be that bad. Maybe Christmas will be good this year... Maybe it won't be lonely :)

(Tell me what I want to hear) the kid [05 Nov 2003|07:49pm] [ mood | cold ] Remember the young Nicholas I was talking about a month ago? The so-called kid brother of mine waaay back when? Small world, cos if I remember right, he's Jerome's classmate. And he's also on friendster and his pics are real cute. The only ones with his real face in it are pictures of him snoozing. He's still a kid after all these years...

(Tell me what I want to hear) Act as if it were impossible to fail. [05 Nov 2003|04:29pm] [ mood | nostalgic ] [ music | Still Time - Gensoumaden Saiyuki ] It's the season of November. Finally here. It's been raining the whole day, just the way I like it. Rain brings back nice memories :) I'm going to burn a cd of purely sad/calm instrumentals. I have so many of them. It'd be good for the sad days.

(Tell me what I want to hear) You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus. [05 Nov 2003|02:36pm] [ mood | good ] I did it.. I'm getting something from ebay! No, it's not my beloved Knicks sweater... Amelia helped me with the credit card thingee, thank heavens for her. There was a little address problem at first but everything's fine now. I'll know in 4 days whether I got it or not. Hope nothing screws up... Yep, finished production and costs today. I feel good *electric guitar music in accompaniment*. You know what? I realised that everytime I buy a bar of chocolate, I never really bother to keep it in a solid state... Then again, the reason I don't put it in the fridge immediately is cos my grandparents have a tendency to steal my candy. Either that or there are gremlins in this residence.. "Write without pay until somebody offers to pay you. If nobody offers within three years, sawing wood is what you were intended for." - Mark Twain

(Tell me what I want to hear) what's in a name? in this case, everything [05 Nov 2003|10:38am] [ mood | indescribable ] [ music | Sena to Minami - Long Vacation ] To tell you the truth, I'm not very good with names. Tell me yours, or his, hers, theirs, and I'm likely to forget it in 24 hours... But I don't forget it entirely, of course. Which brings me back to what I was originally wondering about. Where have I heard that name before? It's frighteningly familiar...

(Tell me what I want to hear) I like a man who grins when he fights. [04 Nov 2003|11:45pm] [ mood | disappointed ] I am so tired... I'm currently feeding off microwaved pepperoni pizza and trying to get weathering facts into my head. Looking through my old locked entries on my com got me remembering certain things that I'd completely forgotten about. The great times, the downright fucked times and the words that were exchanged. Some really important things were said once upon a time. I can't believe I forgot about it. To tell you the truth, I'm not sure I actually want to remember it... Putting the pieces together gives you a slightly bigger picture. It gives you insight on the past but it's doing nothing for me with regards to speculation on the future. There was something I wanted to get at a certain store but it was closed by the time I got there. I settled for something else. I also bought myself a bottle of Calpis to keep myself awake. Oh, I can't get my Knicks sweatshirt anymore... Our generation has had no Great Depression, no Great War. Our war is spiritual. Our depression is our lives.

(Tell me what I want to hear) You live and learn. At any rate, you live. [04 Nov 2003|12:46pm] [ mood | ditzy ] [ music | She Likes Me for Me - Blessed Union of Souls ] Someone stop me... I'm on an ebay craze... And it all started with that stupid sweater... I was seriously considering getting it and then I started searching for other stuff and then I went into a whole medley of 'Oh wow! That's neat! Whoa, she'll totally love that. Hey, he'll kill for this! I'll get it for his birthday present! Hey lookit it's my Knicks sweater! And and... wow this would be absolutely perfect for her.. I really oughta buy it... Oh gosh... there are so many different chochobo plushies.. All so cute!!!' and you get the idea ya? Dudes, Christmas is nearly upon us! All I can think about (besides the As, OF COURSE darlin...) is the presents I'm going to get for everyone! Damn, my list has undergone many additions and changes... Darn... And this year I'd better get Jeriel something decent or he'll never let me hear the end of it... I've formed fuzzy ideas of of what to get for Wilson, Nicholas, Amelia, Thea, Jeriel and Janna... The rest (and there's alot of em) have yet to be brainstormed. "The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not." - Mark Twain

(Tell me what I want to hear) I'm the girl who was missing in your life [04 Nov 2003|11:27am] [ mood | sleepy ] I'm never reading Neil Gaiman at night -alone- again. It's just too creepy. The whole feeling of his stories warp when the moon rises! That, and the picture on my wall must have stolen my sleep and held the sandman prisoner... Ironically, I must've fallen asleep from sheer exhaustion for trying to fall asleep.

(Tell me what I want to hear) I miss the rush [04 Nov 2003|06:43am] [ mood | drained ] Dammit I've developed insomnia... Woke up like, an hour ago. It's seven in the morning now. I can't sleep. In fact, it feels as though I haven't slept the whole night... Feels awful... Mornings are supposed to be my thing and lookit me now... And I keep thinking it has something to do with the new picture I put on my wall...

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