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Thursday, August 3rd, 2006
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9:37 am - DoH' is not a deer.
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I'd like to thank everyone for their offers to be a shoulder. Janet probably said it best when she said I would probably just go off and work things out alone (or something like this).
For us bottle stuffers, you understand. For others, its just difficult to open yourself up to exposure that could come back and bite you in the ass, as it has many times.
Jay, your way too busy to be bothered, but thanks. Plus, its not a good idea to expose my emotions to you because well, they wouldnt understand. I was weak, but I am strong now.
So I have been hanging out, per say, at the CC site. Not only does it help me keep accountability for my health and nutriton, it also provides a bit of day time drama, but mostly daily interactions with a bunch of cool people. One problem with working at home is lack of social interaction and this fills that void.
Speaking of working at home, just signed a contract that will double our total revenu intake of last year. whooo hooooo. Hired a couple of guys that are working out awsome. They have 25-30 years experience and are settled into life, fortunately unlike the younger generation who is running wild and free and only come to work to support a habit that is otherwise ruining their lives. On top of it they are GREEN. While I know green is in, its not that shade of environmentally safe green.
Lisa... hope to see you back soon. You sure add life to this otherwise withering blog of mine.
Janet I suppose your out and about a lot these days. I wish you the best with work find and I absolutely hope that your guy is successful in his new adventure.
Holly- Know where your movin to yet? You must be spending all your free time in the barn.
Michelle- You dont need us no more? I wish to see more of you.
LMB- Thanks for your kind thoughts.
Milly- Where are you?
Jay - Congrats.
Sophia - Theres been a creative change in you.
Karri- It seems like your on track. Congrats.
OH OH OH My new baby kitty chased away the blues of my last loss. Its so fun to have a baby kitty in the house. Angel is starting to tolerate Tut but Shadow will have nothing to do with him.
OK, well not sure anyone comes here to read this, but if you do know that you are in my thoughts and I miss running here to read your journals. Days go by without a word from anyone. perhaps its the sumer where we tend to be on the go and less time to sit around playing on the computer. Perhaps.
Hugs to all!
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(4♥Check♥s | ♥ReAlItY♥ChEcK!♥)
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| Thursday, July 27th, 2006
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9:05 am
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No matter what I could always talk to you. You made me think.
Jordans in trouble and I have no one to talk to about it.
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(6♥Check♥s | ♥ReAlItY♥ChEcK!♥)
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| Monday, July 24th, 2006
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3:34 pm - Some times you dont get to choose.
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After 7 hours of bleeding heavy Salah dragged my arse to the hospital where I had an emergency D&C. So, yes I learned something. Never try to do it on your own after 6 weeks. Doc said I would have died had I gone much longer, too much blood lost. BP was 88/46. *sigh* why must I always learn the hard way?
Salah saved my life and never left my side for one second. I'll tell you, I am one freakin lucky woman to have him as my man. He's perfect. Yea when he's mad he is HELL, but when he's not.... You just would never imagine... He's perfect in every way. Is it possible to have fallen yet deeper in love with him.... it sure feels it. I am in total AWE of my husband.
I would do anything, ANYTHING to return the happiness he has given/gives me.
I wish I were more eloquent with words.
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(2♥Check♥s | ♥ReAlItY♥ChEcK!♥)
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| Monday, July 17th, 2006
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4:06 pm
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*sighs heavily* Trying to put some sort of distraction in my life. Told myself that I would start back up at the gym last weekend, minding my food, but neither has really happened. Of course like normal when I am upset or stressed I dont eat. The heat doesnt help much either. I'm just plain miserable.
Salah has been a dear. He's very worried about me which I dont understand because we have been through this before. Its like he senses that something is going to go wrong when the process of natural abortion occurs. He told me he wanted me to get the surgery (d&c) but I told him no. I just hate the thought of my baby being ripped from my womb, alive or not, I just cant do it.
I've been wrapped up in the conflict between Israel and Lebanon. What is maddening to me is that the Middle East has the oldest civilization on record, yet they havent learned to work things out without violence. Why do they think that war and death will settle their disputes? It only adds fuel to the flame. Force just doesnt work. Yea maybe in the short run of things, but it always comes back to bite them in the ass. Not to mention looking like children who cant control their emotions. I guess thats the answer. They react emotionally rather then logically.
Well there you have it. My thoughts, my life.
current mood:  depressed
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(3♥Check♥s | ♥ReAlItY♥ChEcK!♥)
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| Saturday, July 15th, 2006
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9:52 am
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It happened again. I sit here waiting for my body to abort my dead baby. I dont understand, everything was going so well, even the doctor said so.
We've decided to get some bloodwork, chromosome testing and what not done to see if we can determine whats going on. I obviously CAN get pregnant, I just havent been able to maintain it after 10 weeks.
Salah thinks its him. He got sick along time ago while in Russia and the doctor told him it might affect his ability to have kids. He just now told me this and has agreed to talk to the doctor about it. Arabian men dont talk about imperfections, illnesses or anything that they believe will make them less a man. Its a huge thing him willing to discuss this. Heck as crazy as it is they wont tell doctors medical history's for such things as diabities. I dont understand but I'm still learning a lot about cultural differences. We Americans just blurt out our whole life stories with the understanding that there might be something there to help us with our situation at hand.
So, Salah has spent the last two days asking me to forgive him. How can I forgive him if I dont know that he is the reason. And its not my job to forgive him, I dont blame him to begin with.
I've found some solace in knowing that our two fetus' are with God and didnt have to expeience the perils and hardships of this world and that some day, God willing I make it there, I will see them.
Please no words of sympathy. i feel completely stupid for letting myself get all excited and sharing my news here. But I will probably do it again given the chance because this is my journal, my private thoughts, a personal timeline that I have chosen to share with a few.
If you pray, please pray that we get positive results from our testing. Our Doctors appointment is on the 24th and we'll make a game plan then. I will be journaling this journey so if your not interested in reading or commenting, no offense.
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(2♥Check♥s | ♥ReAlItY♥ChEcK!♥)
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| Wednesday, July 12th, 2006
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9:15 am
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| Friday, July 7th, 2006
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9:08 am - Celebration!!!!!!!
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Today is the Twelve week mark!!!!!!
I go back next Thursday for the NT Screen.
We'll get to see the little one AGAIN!
I'm a little nervous.
But by the grace of GOD,
Everything will be fine.
Its Friday.....
I get to pray with my brothers and sisters.
God is so infinatly powerful.
He's answered ALL of my prayers.
Some quickly, some with lessons of patience.
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(5♥Check♥s | ♥ReAlItY♥ChEcK!♥)
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| Sunday, June 25th, 2006
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9:26 am - Confessions
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Yes, it is true, I am pregnant! I am 10 weeks 2 days today. I wanted to wait until after my next appointment to share but i got Busted! Here's the dirty....
On May 29th we went for bloodwork after a positive home pregnancy test. The numbers were so high (Beta 14,741 and Progesterone 41.3) the Doc said we dont need another bloodtest (to make sure the numbers were increasing) to just come in for an Ultrasound. So on May 31st we did just that. We saw what measured to be a 6 week embryo with a heartbeat of 107 bpm (usually they cant measure the heartbeat at such an early stage). So Yeah!!!! Everything looked good.
Over the next couple of weeks I had a little spotting and severe cramps near my left ovary, so I called in Monday morning to see if when I came in for intake on Wed if we could do another US just to make sure everything was alright. So Wed morning the baby measured at 8 weeks and its hearbeat increased to 160bpm!! Everything was fine The pain I was feeling was a cycst on my ovary which they had seen in the past. It was actually smaller but since things were getting compacted inside, it was causeing pain and possibly the spotting.
We go back on July 13th were we will do the NT Test (for ds). I will be a day short of 13 weeks. We'll also get to see baby again and possibly tell if its a boy or girl.
So, things are going VERY well. I've gained too much weight in my opinion, but its worth it.
I'm sorry Jan I had your head swimming there for a while. And Jay.... thanks for busting me!
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(12♥Check♥s | ♥ReAlItY♥ChEcK!♥)
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| Thursday, June 22nd, 2006
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10:24 am - OK, OK, OK I cant hold it anymore!
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| Wednesday, June 21st, 2006
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9:46 am
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9:19 am - Taken from Babyfit.com
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Trying and persevering—but failing—to see your goals realized can be frustrating. Margaret Thatcher once said "You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it," and she was absolutely right. You've got to believe that you will succeed! Never admit defeat as long as time and effort remain. Our greatest asset is patience; our greatest weakness is throwing in the towel. Banish discouragement and feelings of impossibility by working hard, doing more, and not giving in! A diamond was only made beautiful after hundreds of years as a lump of coal.
Salah once said to me "If you say your going to do something, you do it." Thats because if I put it in my mind that I am going to do something, I do whatever I need to in order to get it done. I may fall here and there but I never fail to stand back up and try again. I've always believed that you can do anything you want to do, it just depends on how hard your willing to work for it.... and how patient you are getting there. I can apply this in so many areas in my life. The latest being the relationship between Salah and my children. I didnt fight him and tell him his feelings were invalid, or tell him how he should feel I recongized that right or wrong those were his feelings and in time he would find that they were biased and misguided.
It took two years of patience and prayer but the change has come. Salah told me yesterday that he thought of Kate-Lynn as his own. He said that he was wrong about how he felt, that he misjudged them and didnt give them a chance. You can't imagine the admiration I have gained knowing that he worked through this and set his cutural ideals and bias aside and looked at my kids as people. Oh, and he also said that he wrongly judged them because of his horrible interactions with the gold diggers kids. He really had to work through this. His success makes me love him more, if that is possible.
To top it off, He took Kate-Lynn, by himself, his own idea, and bought her a new bicycle. Hers was stolen when we first moved here. He wanted her to be able to get outside and meet others in the neighborhood, and this is her vehicle. He also made a date with freinds of ours who have a daughter the same age as her. We will be going to her soccor game Friday, and getting together after so that the girls can get to know each other. He says he feels really good about her being with us this summer.
Wouldnt it be nice if we just kept her........................
current mood:  cheerful
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(1♥Check♥ | ♥ReAlItY♥ChEcK!♥)
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| Sunday, June 18th, 2006
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6:35 pm - And another thing.
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I know my cats have some pretty strong personalities. Shadow the female is a snob by all means and Angel is always getting into mischeif. But last night they showed us that they were smart little fraidy cats.
The door leading out to the balcony doesnt have a screen on it and the property management company wont put them on because "It changes the appearance of the buildings". So I got two tension bars and a silk sheer curtian and hung it the entire legnth of the door (still changes the appearance but oddly acceptable). Its neccesity is that we have these little mayfly looking bugs from spring thaw to the first winter snow. Anyways...
My cats are indoor cats and until moving here they have never been outside. I let them out on the balcony because it gives them first hand experience at nature without the ability to run off and get run over by a car or eaten by some wild hungry creature.
Last night we had the door open enjoying the cool breeze flowing through the curtian until we were headed to bed around midnight. Salah in his ocd state is responsible for lock down. Well , not minutes after he shut and locked the door we heard some fierce scratching. Apparently we havent gotten into the habit of checking on the cats to be sure they are in.
Salah looks out the door and Angel is scratching madly at the door while Shadow is ripping at the curtian. I can just imagin their little cat conversation as they lie there ejoying the night air.
Shadow "Hey, they shut us out"
Angel "What? No, They wouldnt do that."
Shadow "Well, they did"
Angel pops up head hearing a dog howling in the distance. "Whats that?!?!"
Both "Aaarrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhh" running for the door.
In their panic they mentioned to pull the bottom tension rod out and, if I am correct, I'm sure they attempted to throw it over the balcony at the distant howl as we found it in the morning laying on the grass below.
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(2♥Check♥s | ♥ReAlItY♥ChEcK!♥)
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5:00 pm - Free write.
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My son just left on the bus headed back to his dads. He could only stay the weekend as he has to be back for work on Monday. He loves his new job. It isnt much, filling coolers at a convience store two hours a day, five days a week. But atleast its a start. I really hope it helps him grow. Sometimes he thinks he's still my little boy, not realizing he is a man. He even said to me this weekend "I miss it when you used to call me your little monkey man" to which I replied, "awww now your my big monkey man".
My daughter is here for the summer. Or atleast if it works out that way. I hope to keep her busy so she dont gt bored. We're going to pick her up some rollerblades so she can get out and get some exercise. I also plan to get her a library membership. After reading her IEP and comments from teachers on how she became a reader this year, I want to keep her going. I'm also giving her a lot of responsibilities around the house with cleaning and cooking. No more Mom catering service, she needs to grow into a woman here soon.
There has been a huge change around here. Mainly with Salah. He has done a complete 360 in regards to my kids. Its like something snapped. He told me that everytime he saw my kids it reminded him that I was another mans wife (If you understand Arabic culture, you'll get it). But after talking it out with his family he admired me for refusing to turn my back on my kids. If I could turn my back on them, what kind of person would that make me. So, now he is involved. We are a family. they are his family, even if not from his loins. This guy is amazing. I just knew that time would bring a solution to a situation that was killing me.
I miss him. Terrible. He's back to those incredibly long days, with few off between. I'm glad things were slow for about a month and we had time together. We have a full schedule right into the end of the year, beginning of next year. Our biggest challenge is employees. People just dont seem to give a shit about the quaity of work they produce. Good enough just isnt good enough. Our Quality sells our work and brings Contractors back time and time again. We have our foot in the door of many contractors now, a huge hurdle into building our business. But I fear that Salah will be carrying the brunt of the work on his back.
GOOD ENOUGH Seems to be effecting the worlds religions as well. I see some who dont follow the rule of their religion and when I question them they say "I figure if I follow some of them God will forgive me for not following the rest. I think I am a good person therefore God will think I am GOOD ENOUGH". So I ask them. "You have rules at your job right? Well what woul happen if you decided that you were going to leave early and come in late every day? Do you think your boss would think that is GOOD ENOUGH? What a lazy society we are.
I guess for the most part things come very easy for people and they forget what real suffering is like. For instance, we think if we dont have atleast a three course meal, thats suffering. Let me tell you about an experience I had while in Egypt. I was walking along the Sands, an area where the Mederterannian Sea and the Nile river meet, with my Sister in law and her future sister in laws. They were so weet buying me little trinkets from the cart vendors. My sister in laws Fiance buys us some roasted corn from one of the vendors. It was horrible! The corn kernals were so dried and hard. Everyone ate theirs but I just coudnt be that polite so I tossed it into the large breaker rocks figuring maybe the birds would eat it. The look of horror on my S-I-L's, sister in laws face like I had tossed a baby into the sea. My sister in law gave her a glance and lightly shook her head no hoping I woulndt notice the response. My point is to me it was just an ear of corn, to them it is FOOD. They are so thankful for every crumb that is provided. THEY know what its like to suffer. We only experience some vividly imagined description of suffering. We dont have a clue.
I think about the other side of the world and wonder why its so hostile. As Americans we have it pretty damned cushie. Yeah, we lose a loved one over seas fighting battles we dont belong in, but never do we see them shot down in front of our eyes for no other reason then their birth right. We bury them in silk lined coffins air tight to preserve their bodies, for what? We dont toss them into mass graves wrapped in sheets among faceless grandmothers, babies and children. Our heros leave behind, sometimes, wives and children and as sad as that may be, those families are provided with checks from our government for years to come. We dont leave their children wandering in the streets, looking for scraps or their wives at home with several mouths to feed and no education or male family members to help them get by. Not even a chance of getting remarried, as no one wants a "used" wife with such baggage.
Our devistation is materialistic. Our heros soon forgotten. We go back to our glam and glitter filled lives. We complain because the price of gas is high and our children are getting too fat. We really have no idea.
I can tell you this, they live by their religion and for them whatever they do, its not GOOD ENOUGH because they know that should they do what it is that their "Boss" has required them to do, then one day, when its all over, they will know what real reward is. An existance with abundance beyond their dreams, where they will never want and the negative aspects of earth will not exist.
Are you GOOD ENOUGH?
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(4♥Check♥s | ♥ReAlItY♥ChEcK!♥)
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| Thursday, June 8th, 2006
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7:47 am - Globally, I need to venture more.
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7:43 am - Via Jan. I hadnt realized.....
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