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[24 Feb 2005|05:39pm] A perfect loves what I need cause I just want to be your one and only 3 comments| Better dayz

Like in your eyes I see my future in an instant [24 Feb 2005|05:37pm] [ mood | happy ] arite i don't really know the last time i wrote in this but per usual ive been spending the days with the only one that makes me happy. the one that makes me . c o m p l e t e . :) ah .. arite so yeah i don't know what to write about. we got out of school early today and then i went home. and begged my mom to drove me to shawns and finally she cracked. and we went to get pellets for the stove and they didnt have them so we drove all the way to stockholm and i stopped at the new wednys in franklin to see kristina shannon*not me* and fran. and then went to shawns. ahh i dont know im out I live for you.. Better dayz

breakdown.. [15 Feb 2005|06:28pm] yanno i really feel the fucking need to write in this peice before i have an emotional breakdown you know i really hate when people call you up for the simple fact of they need weed, listen people dont bother cause if i knew where it was at i wouldnt tell you anyways because you never call me anymore and your expecting me to do you a favor? yeah maybe i should since it will kill you faster but i will have no part in it and im sick of fucking being nice. yeah well maybe im not nice but caring and going out of my way to do shit for other people. ive had enough im not going to fucking know you or see you again once we fucking graduate why bend over backwards for nothing? can you answer me that? i mean yeah you do good you recieve good but that just aint happening for me the last..uh 16 years? and oh i already called your boyfriend before i called you. oh so help me god. i fucking cant take it. i wish me and shawn could just move off to a deserted island< just the two of us because i would be the fucking happiest carefree bitch you'd ever meet. but you wouldnt meet me cause it would just be me and him. seeeee thats the catch. arite so anyways back to my bipolar moment * no im not bipolar * but it just works out holy shit i have to do like 4 reports and i just continue to procatonate .. why because shawns out and im sitting here in so much pain in my mouth and fuckin ahh people are supposed to be my FRIENDS but only can be my friend when they need something fuckin call me for drugs yea true if you were my friend you know that shit is crazy i like to be drug free/ uh kays getting out soon i hope to god on everything i have her parents let me see her. i wont dare let her look at another drug and she'll even help me stay clean looking and realizing that night i could've ended in impatient just as well but i didn't. god gave me a second chance to realize it wasnt my time cause well he knows i can get the fuck outta this and i try and try but somehow i dont know KAY i miss you so much/ i swear on everything i dont care if your parents press charges on me the day you get out me and kristina are at your door waiting for you. simple as that. anyways im thinkin about calling kays mom or something or stopping by her house. yanno say hi or hey listen i love your daughter in a non gay way but i need her friendhip again please im not a drug addict i wont influence her in anyway. but do you know how hard that is? pretty hard. cruz can help i gotta talk to her. ah fuck gettin back to now in the moment shawn your an asshole does it take 5 and a half hours to drive 10 min to eckerds or 20 to walmart and get a fuckin stuffed animal for your mom and then 10 or 20 min back home holy shit eMoTiNal Breakdown is coming on and i just want a cigertte so bad but its gonna hurt my mouth and i gotta quit or i cant go on birth control says the madre. ah fuck it all fuck you fuck everything and everybody im out like steve stout. whoever that is babyyyyyyy!!! Better dayz

NOVACANE [15 Feb 2005|04:20pm] arite so valentines day yesterday was really good. i went to shawns after school and it was really cute. i was in much pain cause of the menstrual cycle but he made me feel better. he got me a dozen red roses like always and a cute bear that we decided must be named bernard and chocolates. and his mom got me a candle. and it was all very nice. then we went to b-b breakfeast club baby to get some $ but she was buggin so we went back to his house. then my mom picked me up and i munched out on some burger king. and went home and the power was out so i couldnt talk to shawn or watch 7th heaven. uh i know bad shit.. but i got to sleep early. uhm today was depressing for some reason probaly because i knew i wasnt hangin out with shawn after school so there was nothing to look foward to but thats okay. so i had to go to the dentist cause i had a cavity and i am so numb right now its so intense. uhm arite cool so im gonna go bitch and moan and wait for shawn to get home cause i miss him. uh so in love it hurts makes sense now.. babyyyy i love you Better dayz

intense seshwon [13 Feb 2005|07:52pm] uh arite i dont feel like recapping since the 9th so thats beat. spent the weekend with shawn and tommaorw valentines day and im going to shawns and uhM..i just did up page for myspace to take a look at it, and im gonna go upstairs and relax and wait for shawn to call me. i always hated valentines day until i found you shawn. so in love it hurts Better dayz

i cant deny it.. [09 Feb 2005|04:14pm] [ mood | enthralled ] im quittin tree for 40 days for lent and hopefully after that i wont need it again. what is this round 2382381. and im givin up on cigs too. cause i can. and ive been wantin to quit for a while. i dont have much an addiction for cigs i just never really to be like hey i think im actually gonna quit, so i have 2 cigs left caue i sole nickkunik 5 cigs for 5 dollars and im puttin my money in the bank no more spending it on drugs or cigs or stupid shit anymore time for a change. oh yeah and i came across something that made me want to shoot myself *hey shonade o'conner i just wanna say thanx for being there for me when i need someone the most . i know you'll allways be there for me no questions asked and i appreciate that so much and i want you to know that i will be there for you and i love you soooo much!!!! thats all i wanted to say to you* it was an email from scumbum#2. uh he makes me sick. i hope he thinks about alot of shit while hes in jail for fuckin 6 years he deserves more. of course im gonna write him and shit just because im not an asshole and he doesnt know the full reason why im so angry with him and thats ovisally the only way i can tell him? but i wouldnt want to be so very blunt about it HEY LISTEN YOUR ALL ALONE ROTTING IN JAIL BUT I FUCKING HATE YOU. YOUR A HEROIN ATTICT AND YOU GET GIRLS PREGNANT AND YOU DONT EVEN CARE AFTERWARDS YOU WASTE OF YEARBOOK SPACE> oh and yes stop braggin about how GREAT you are in bed cause your really not great sorry to tell you. woah i cant say that oh my no way. uh fuck it so my day was decent lunch has been dumb funny lately. and i made 10 bucks selling snickers today *dont ask. hey its better than selling drugs. yes, 10 points. arite for lent im also going to start with the whole * karma * like arite if i start bein nice to people all is well. maybe it doesnt work that easy. but atleast for the next 40 days i'll be sober and i wont be a fuckin bitch i'll be nice to the people who im usually not so nice too. uhm shawns comin over and im eating some early dinner. OOne Better dayz

be my guest.. and laugh away the pain [07 Feb 2005|06:46pm] [ mood | contemplative ] so today was arite. shawn didn't go to school but atleast he loved me enough to still call me in the morning .and good thing he did cause my mom never woke up so yeahh. but anywho the school part was pretty beat as usual. 7th period was sick tho. cause im just so gay, and yeah subs are dumb. but anyways dnuts drove me bird yonkies and ashia home. and then me n my mom went to walmart. and to the dentist. and i have a cavity? shawn was right he said it looked like i had one but i dont know i only have one other cavity so im not upset or anythin over getting a filling. then we came home and kristinas cat cuddles died. and she was hysterical. and i know it may not seem like a big deal cause its a cat but she loved that cat. i did too it was so fluffy and shes had it forever. rip cuddles. aw but yeah i gotta get in the shower and call shawn and watch 7th heaven cause im so lame like that. i wanted to right some intense shit in here too today cause i have some shit i need to figure out but it's all good i dont have time. ooNe im so inlove with you Better dayz

i do care. [06 Feb 2005|12:37pm] [ mood | cold ] uh the weekend was interesting i guess. friday i slept over shawn's house. it was fun, indeed. my mom picked me up at like 10 on saturday cause DAVE is out after 21 months and he came up with with gma and gpa. and we watched walking tall. and it was a kickass movie. and the rock was in it so it was totally orgasmic.. werd. then we they left and we picked up shawn and did a few things and went home and my mom and frankie bounced to this casino place and we had the house to ourselves which is always great. bacardi superior status. werd then thats all pretty much a blur.. this morning woke up felt like shit. puked. ate. puked. shawn left. went to shoprite. pucked. ate. computer all day. ahh im so beat and i'm feeling kinda better. i wish shawn was home so i could talk to him but walmarts more important these days. cool right. uh arite so im off .. to go do my thesis before i forget. iNlovE so bad.. it .h u r t s. --xO Better dayz

Everyone in life is going to hurt you, you just have to decide who's worth the pain [02 Feb 2005|12:55pm] [ mood | happy ] sometimes it takes pain to make you a little smarter * and when you think the rain will stop -- ooh it only starts to rain a little harder ___x3 arite so i havent wrote in here since friday and alot of stupid shit has happened since then. arite so the weekend was pretty i guess. friday night i slept at shawn and that was fun. then he made me breakfeast in bed sat morning cause he loves me :) & then i went home and he came over later on after i intensly cleaned my room spotless. he slept over and sunday morning he went home and i cleaned more. monday shawn came back to school oh i didn't like that idea. but what can i do right? but its cool i guess. monday i shawn came over after school and left at 11. yesterday was the real intense part of everything. right so after school i go to the condoes and me and corey were gonna go 2 shawns so i called my mom and shes all bitchen and shit make a looooooong story short she found a fake bag of reef in my room. yes fake it was seasoning for pasty or spice whatever aregano or however you spell it and she is so convinced its real and im all what the fuck. she acts as if shes never found shit and like i dont know this time it wasnt even real come on. but im not in any trouble i just got reemed a new asshole once i got home last night. now even about the bag basically how much of a waste i am like yanno me not havin a job but only if she knew how much i truely want a fucking job. but she jus came home shes not mad at me anymore and everything is good she apoligized and i just want to go to meetings and get the right help minus rehab cause i just couldnt survive in rehab..impatient or outpatient. shit if i could handle rehab i would have already been there freshman year but more towards alcohol cause i was dumb.. but yeah jobwise my last result was calling kristina and asking her to fill me out a starter application at BK. yup you heard me and i can't belive im saying this but i hope i get hired? what oh shit man. i need a job, i need that cash serrRiously!! uhm so yeah i have to write a paper for marriage and family so i'll write in this lame shit later. fuck it fuck everything and fuck you especially!!! baby im so inlove with you it hurts. Better dayz

So you call yourself a heartbreaker? Congrats you just broke another. [28 Jan 2005|03:32pm] [ mood | pleased ] its not that i wanna be the only girl in your life , i just wanna be the || only one || that matters <3 xoxo Arite so last time i wrote in this it was some intenseness and i just came to the conclusion that this fucking person who will remain *janedoe* is biting off my subject completly. shit that i made up like quotes or saying its so funny because only i KNO and like it's just funny. I guess i am looked up to riiiiite that will be the day right. Okay so anyways.. wednesday Shawn came over because i had an emOtiOnal breakdown let me fucking tell you. it was bad and i don't know it was kinda stupid but Shawn also broke the news to me that he can't be in my lunch now because yeah he cant get transportation to leave after 6th period so basically he has to leave after 4th and hes 4th period lunch oh aint that just great. Soo that's just really beatnuggets. Than we watched American Idol and he left at like 11 and fuckin i dont know.. uhm yesterday was so BEAT that i couldnt even begin to explain. What started off helping someone score their shit turned out to me being in the freezing cold for like 3 hourse and fuckin smoking all my cigerettes and seeing tabby for a matter of 15 minutes. Cool right? Yeah next time i will remember to not be nice and try to do someone a favor cause you know i used to be in that position but come to think of it no one went out of their way to do that shit for me fuck it why do i have to, right? right kthanks. but uhm anyways it was beat . so tabby drove me home for 5 beans that was shitty of her and then i ate some scrumptious chicken uhm babies and talked to shawn and asss'ed out. fuckin today was arite i guess no drama ahh relief.. but it turns out that the shit sucked for them yesterday. I feel bad but i mean it's not like i got anything out of this from anyone, oh wait i got beat 5 beans out my money so i could go home. Okay thats real cool? Fuck it .. it's my own damned fault. But now i get to be happy and go to Shawn's in a little bit and sleep over and meet his sisters tommarow that should be fun. But yeah arite i gotta go eat some bacon cause Shawn's making me hungry. Err im out OonNeEee I love you baby..SO much. Better dayz

When the snitches turn to bitches [25 Jan 2005|04:30pm] [ mood | bUrNtOuT mode* ] i get these fakes and these back stabbers chasin me around & theres always drama Arite so give it up for catrinas comment on the 20th of catrinas comment please people you sErIoSlLllyYyy come on need to stop feeding off drama, And i should be the one to talk. i just got into some mad stupid shit that ended up like 2 hours because one person told me they heard something on the bus. and it ends up i did. You people are fucking p a t h e t i c, there i spelled it out for you how much more clearer can i get to you? Be seroius. I don't even know what made me write in this i guess was that comment. I mean i never thought people read this shit but fuck it i guess they do i. My girl yonks got the same shit goin for her in her info come one people steal other peoples style yeh we all do it but damn your fuckin journal is JUST like mine and you pose off me in the most obvious ways you know. and i dont want to even say names cause im done with this petty drama. From now on im not gettin in this shit anymore. And man i don't even know this whole shit with someone and fucking what their going thro that i cant even mention and i just want to go up to her and say LISTEN i know whats going on and i know not how or what even your possibly going through.. but i know and if theres anything i can do tell me* cheesy line shit * come on man it's classic. woah burnOut mode moment. pst okay uhm, i really think i need to write about shit later. Actually i'll just wrap the day up. beatybeatbeat!! their was nothing but stupid shit and fucking i don't know " i'm peacing it" -step back a few entries like im one'in it same shit okaY. don't hate. OoONe.. i love you Shawn Better dayz

In my dreams.. [23 Jan 2005|07:46pm] [ mood | giddy ] So the weekend was arite. Friday night me and Shawn met up in the condoes and went to yonks house chilled there then walked to the country store in literal 2 degree weather and sat down there fuckin stuffed our faces. the was an undercover DT in their because it was so packed because of all the snowboarders and ski'iers and it was pretty sketchball. Then we decided to be out and went back to my house and fuckin i don't know did nothing really. Saturday Shawn left at like fuckin 9 and i was supposed to go to his house and sleep over but the storm came and fuckin it was just beat we fucking we fought all day and it was just pointless. Today went down to Shawns chilled there. Came home ate and showerd and now im talkin to my baby and jumping for joy because we have a 90 minute delay tommarow. yes and my baby is coming back to school and im just happy. woah did i just say that. anywho im out oOne. <3 i love you wih everything i have baby. Better dayz

Aleast we have the memories... [20 Jan 2005|06:06pm] WHAT A FUCKING DAY! Holy shit. Today was hardcore let me tell you. Aright so i woke up late and had all of 6 minutes to get ready. got up - pissed - brushed my hair and teeth - cleaned my ears - washed my face - throw on some eyeliner - got dressed - grabbed my purse - got my coat on - got my shoes on and fucking peaced it. the morning classes started off per usual.. boring. Until 4th period came along. And duh duh dun dun Hi guys im white trash. What so me and my friends are like a disgrace to the color white? To like the white human race and shit? Aright your real fucking cool. And for some reason i took like seroius offense to it because we weren't even doing it there was no reason for anything to have triggered this girls mind to just bug out. Otherwise i don't care what you think of me but like i don't know. It was so random and came from the fuckin heart you could tell she meant it with every once in her body and that sucked. So whatever the period went on and i coudn't stop thinking about it. And i wasn't being myself i didn't say anything back to her like bitch her out think of a snappy comeback or anything. I stood there and thought to myself what the fuck why is this irratating me so much. Then i got happy because Mr. Tepper told me he was gonna pass me if i took gym everyday 4th marking period. That's so rad. So then we went on with our volleyball until the period ended. Then in the girls locher room it started again. DNuts just went all out and for some reason i couldn't bring myself to say anything i just stood there and observed and listened like the rest of the girls. I don't know why it was so fucking weird. It's like i had something to say when we were in there then i had alot to say but something was holding me back. It was like .. unexplainable. So then everyone went to Cruz's and i had a final exam in gourmet so i had to be out. then i get to class and i just have an emotianl breakdown. But i think i did good on my final. I hope. Then lunch was uhh well i ate and then me n birdjuice went to cruz's turns out Dnuts went home and more drama went down. So me lezlez and bird talked to cruz. Then i made an appt for next wednesday..weird. Eh, get outta gym. Werd. So then 7th period was ehh usual how could i not love that class? 8th i ran down to gym and Jay said he didn't know if we were going to NA tonight so he said he'd call me when he got home or something and tell me. Then i went up to Chale and was like why are you telling people i have herpes that rumor is so old and shit and she explained and i don't know were gonna talk about it tommarow? So then i went home, and talked to Andrea b/c supposidly she was saying i was a total whore and i had gonorrehea or something which turned out she didnt say it . And weve came to the conclusion that everythin should basically go back to the olden days. I totally think that is true man shit was so gReat back then. Life is so meaningless without those kinda times we had. Then i called Jay to be like what the fuck and he went snowboarding. I mean i know it's not his responsibility but like still i was pissed. Then me and Shawn got into a fight because he went to get yonks reefes and it just pissed me off and i took my bad day out on him i guess. And i am just so fucking empty it really sucks. So that was my day. Hi my names Shannon i'm an alcoholic/addict OH AND im a total whore i have herps and gonorrehea. Right people grow the fuck up. I think im gonna fucking go to like the doc get tested and post my results all over the fucking school. Will that satisfy everyone. I am so fuckin tempted. Grow up people you live off of drama, petty bullshit, and fuckin lies. Drama doesnt make the world spin on its axis aright so get over yourselves. Shit if you can talk so much shit about me i must be your fuckin idol. you can't stop talking about me, you must constantly talk and talk and talk just get overyouselves. kthanx. So anyways getting back to my worthless life tommarow is friday and i think im gonna go to the condoes and maybe sleep at shawns since my mom is all anti of shawn spending the weekend cause hes here every weekend and she needs a break. choke on a dick. im fucking out like steve stout. OonEe. I fucking love you Shawn. Your my oxygen and i'm afraid if you leave i might collapse. <--- was that physco enough for ya? 1 comment| Better dayz

you push me away everytime i try.. [19 Jan 2005|03:17pm] [ mood | crazy ] Fuck shit. I had the worst day today. Drama this morning, came into school at 8:30 with my hawiaan punch and taylor ham and cheese. my sandwhich sucked and i drank my bev warm. yonks has my notebook she wasn't in shool. I missed NOT today. Shawns comin back to school thats going to be wonderful fuckin attack of the freshman on my boyfriend again. Real cool. Well guess what im not fucking around anymore this is ridiculous. Black Bear best shut her mouth im gonna fuckin deck her. OH WHATS HOOD? cause that's so bad. like who the fuck iS she? my mom? no. Arite so i have $44 and i need SO much more. I need a fucking job-won. JOB JOB JOB JOB JOB JOB> please :( Fuck ahh i need the baby phat phone. wanna lend me like 800 bucks for it? arite bet ahh fuck it i am so lost. i need to go to some meetings. guess i gotta wait till thursday for one mang. beat nuggets. arite shit so amuse me? wheres my mom with that pizza and those hotwings is she carazzy makin me wait? i'm ver impatient yanno and i am so lonely where is shawn? board of education how gay.. then work maybe what is that. People with jobs sucks. Just cause i need one. Fuck ah im out fuckin.. beat nuggets I love you SO fucking much 2 comments| Better dayz

I want to marry John Gotti [18 Jan 2005|07:56pm] Ahh John Gotti babies. What yall know about that? Uhm, so i don't know when i wrote in this. uh my weekend was pretty sick i guess other than the mishap with my mom and that was just really bad and kinda embarassing. shit happens life goes on. went to the condoes and chilled with yonks and danielle after school it was okay. uh im so bored and beat and tired and have to occupy myself until lets see when uh 11? yeah till Shawn gets home cause im the pathetic girlfriend that can't sleep until i know hes home and i can say goodnight. i also realized today everytime i go out and im not with him we fight, and im just miserable unles i'm with him. i think i need to just completly settle down. im kinda ready cause i'm sick of this drama with girls it's not like im gonna be friends with these people in a few years anyways, fuck it. woah i jus got like depressed or something that was bad. i got my pidigeridigidgid this morning i am SO happy about that. and fucking yeah.. i don't know. this shits overrated im out OonEe. I love you baby Better dayz

uh this sucks help [15 Jan 2005|03:36pm] [ mood | frustrated ] I need a job so badly it's no even funny and if i dont find one their is going to be so much hell to pay. my mom reemes out my asshole everyday to get a job. and i apply at differnt places and it just doesnt happen. god damnit what do i do. anyone want to hire me or know where there is a job opening. man i even tried that new chickenholiday/texas weiner joint & the guy was like seemed like he was interested in me but i guess i dont qualify cause im not 14. beattt. Man at this point i dont care where i work.. Kris slept over last night it was fun we talked and i dont know it was nice to actually chill with her again or like a girl.. i barely chill w/ anyone anymore other than shawn. but hes sleepin over tonite after we take my mom out for her bday dinner that was supposed to happen a long time ago but the snow and all that jazz i dont know boredum i need a fucking job help Better dayz

no topic.. [12 Jan 2005|04:26pm] [ mood | blank ] today we had a 90 minute delay. i did not want to get up this morning i was so content and warm and ahh it was beat. today was so rainy like out and it just sucks. i thought we were going out for my moms birthday today or else i probaly would have went out after school like to the condoes or chilled with ashia cause she said she had nothing to do today but of course i come home to nobody here. so i call frankie and hes like oh nobody told you were going sat night. okay i am not going on the weekend what the fuck. why not like sunday night when my life is boring. i hate sundays. anyways so this days pretty beat. and my mom wont even take me to walmart to try to exchange that stupid game again. i could really use the 50 beans. oh yeah so when i got home i had to pee so bad and i had a nice suprise i think i like fuckin miscareged cause i dont know what was going on ... but anyways when i really need to talk to shawn hes not home. i think hes at work. ahh fuck i gotta go do something i dont know what.. i love you Better dayz

dont waste your time on someone who wont waste their time on you. [11 Jan 2005|06:20pm] [ mood | exhausted ] So I havent goten to update and i no for people who actually stay reading like when you miss out on a day its like so pointless but anyways. the weekend was sick. shawn slept over all weekend of course. yesterday was beat cause we had school. and it was my moms birthday. and we did the whole family scence. but it was pretty good i guess. today we got outta school early. i came home smoked a butt, ate soup and left for yonks. we chilled. billy kristen and shawn stopped by for like a half and hour. Then me and Yonks decided to be "stupid" aHAha and go sleighriding. on this ghetto sled contraption. and the hill was like all ice with like a some snow sprinkle, fuckin we ate hot milk and oreos. ethreal isnt even the word. ahh god so then we went sleighriding. then we were like fightin in the snow and shit and then we were throwing snow balls out eachother but than me and yonks being both violent people we started to get out of hand like we werent homies and shit. but anyways it was mad chill. then of course since i didnt have any waterproof on we had to go in and change. we just chilled and listened to music. than i went home and took the hottest shower in mankind. now i must go make myself a bean&cheese burito. represent. im out. OoneE.. <3 i love you so much shawn Better dayz

Revised bitches. [05 Jan 2005|06:08pm] You take 10 people and write something about/to them without saying who they are. i dblocked this from kristin who dblocked it from cait who dblocked it from someone else. 1. My sister. Even though your not blood and even though your not in the same state i have known you my whole life. since we were in diapers we have shared everything. i know we are distant as ever now and we really dont even talk, we dont visit on holidays anymore and i know our lifestyles are completly differnt but that doesn't change our past, the interests we share and all the memories we've had. your like my other half and i know your busy with sports and shit. i haven't even been to your new house. i hope to see you soon because you are a genuine girl and you have a lot of great aspects you are one of the few people i know that is going to actually go somewhere and become something when they grow up. your going to get a scholarship for sports and be in nba or some crazy shit like that. Become a multi millionare and do me one favor don't follow me footsteps in the world of drugs. you took your first hit with me and that was the worst thing i could have ever done looking back on it now. 2. The love of my life. The reason i wake up every morning.. or atleast motiavates me to move should i say. For the last 3 1/2 years we have been through hell and back and over again .. and again .. and again. I love you with every once of me and I know we put eachother through hell and fuck eachother over and lie but i know it's only not to hurt eachother even though in the end we get hurt. When im sad your sad your like my siamese twin your my other half. My soulmate and even if were too young i believe in 10 more years i'll be saying the same but i don't think i'll be writting my feelings in a corny ass journal. I love looking at you and being held by you i love laying on your chest and falling asleep in your arms i love loving you i love being loved by you i love how devious you are i even love how bipolar you are i love your short temper i love your baldness i love your stomach i love your back cracking i love when you rub cream on me i love when i scratch the shit out your back i love salading with you i love when you wig out on me because i fucked up and i love how you listen i love you your mind works i love how your more intelligant than i am i love learning from you i love how you are so thruthful but at the same time your not i love your cute voice when you call me baby and i just love you, i hope to spend as many years i can with you because i know their won't be much to spare.. and in your case i hope i can do everything in my power to make your last years the best. i love you baby and thanks for molding me as me. 3. My Nigga. Where would i be without you? you've helped me and i've helped you through some shit. I don't think their will be an end to our friendship because i know without you i would feel like their is no reason to stay sober. Your an inspiration and you've taught me that drugs are something that we don't need. Better yet you've made it sink in my head that we don't need drugs to have fun. I've always known that i just never actually took the advice and actually used it. I've lectured and lectured and said i will stop but until my nigga got busted and got put in rehab i've realized if you can stop im stopping with you bro.I'll never forget those times we had when we were on the drugs though you know that shit is crazy those times are unforgetable we can reminisce as a pastime to get sober. i love you and you know you'll always be my nigga. 4. You used to be my best friend, you used to practically live with me. My mom was your mom and your mom was my mom. We had similar lives and childhoods and were both rejected from our fathers. We were/are both fucking weird and silly and we can just laugh and talk and trust eachother well i know thats how it used to be. I know if i never became what i was with drugs i wouldn't have to write all these nice things about you in past tense. I miss waking up in the morning and seeing you sleeping i miss getting sick all the time because your immune system sucks i miss bitching and moaning at you for having your cloths and all your shit scattered all around my room i miss kicking you out of my bed at night i miss those new years eve moment i miss laughing with you crying with you i miss times we had with that slut it was like we were the 3 musketeers and nothing could seperate us..atleast thats what we thought but we were wrong. Now ones in impatient ones trying to get sober and the other * you * has moved on and doesn't feel like waiting for me to get me life together. i don't blame you i really don't if i were you i wouldn't put up with my shit either. I just want to thank you for the past we've had the past what 9 10 years of our lives we've spent together. i thank your for everything and im sorry things had to turn out this way, i love you. 5. I know you can't read this. I know your somewhere where you belong where i most likly belong well not at this point but i want to take the time out to sit here and right this because i am so thankful for knowing you and even in the end you fucked me over i know what alcohol does and i know what a controlling person he was and im sure if he wanted if he was getting it and i know you when you drink.. when you used to drink i mean you got sloppy and blacked out. I know what happened you didn't mean. I know you would have done anything for me and you did when we had our time together. I know when ever i needed you, you would run over to me house i know when i thought someone was breaking into my condo you ran over with your brother with a knife ready to fuck someone up. I know you were true and you were real with your shit just like me. Whenever i had no food in my house you were there in 3 minutes ringing at my doorbell with a can of soup in your hand shivering with wet pants up to your knees from the snow shivering with a smile on your face. well i wanted to let you know i think about you everyday and i think about me and you and kristina we were the 3 musketeers and im glad your gettin the help you need and as much as i no you'll never read this and i know that you will never be allowed to look at me most likly when you get out i will always wish i could be able to give you a second chance and i will always love you. 6. The fuckup. You are the reason for everything that has gone bad in my life but for some reason i will always think of you in a positive way. Your the reason for me getting arrested. You are the reason my ex best friend is impatient in rehab right now. You are the reason shes my ex best friend. I know you had problems with drugs/alcohol i can relate but just because you were fucking up your life doesn't mean you had to fuck up mine. I know this is a place where i'm supposed to be thankful and tell all the reasons why i love you but i don't love you. I never did love you. I thought i loved you but it was infatuation. Those lips, those eyes, those hands. I loved everything about you but YOU. You for who you were was the ugliest thing about you. Your dimples, that smile i loved the whole package. I'm sure i could have spent the rest of my life looking at you because everytime you walked in the room it was like a gust of wind had blown me away and all of a sudden i did like 63 lines of coke or something..and i had the worst pit in my stomach. Then once i really found out who you truly were you made me sick to my stomach. Other than that you changed a lot in my life and most of it was all downhill but i did learn a lot from you and i will never forget the times we had. Making babies for what 9 hours at a time haha.. I'll never forget the party we were at and we were trashed and i was sitting on your lap and we were all kissing and being sloppy and you looked at me with those fucking eyes and asked me to be your girlfriend i thought i was the most fortunate girl ever. A year spent being with you and then being broken up and i don't even know why. I will always remember the blackberry brandy the jack daniels the re all the things i thought were good that i know now were only bad. I want to thank you for letting me share those times with you. I want to thank you also because if you never stuck it to kay...i wouldn't have took IT your brother Oh snap...thank you for that one. Bet you didn't know that. I cared so much about you and my heart was yours atleast i thought it was until you took it and through it back in my face. 7. My childhood. To the girl next door, i really don't know how to explain you. You were my protegee back in the day. I remember the skin off my knees and the look on your face when i fell on the blacktop and you were petrified from the sight of blood..what did you do you took my hand helped me up and brought me to see the nurse. I miss you more than words could explain. You and your family were everything to me. Your big sister was like my big sister. I shared everything with you i spent everything important with you in my childhood. Everyday after i moved i told my mom i hated her for taking me away from you. Im sure if i stayed in Jefferson i'd most likly be worst of then i am now though. I wish we would have kept in touch because you were really something special to me and i would love to see how you've turned out now. I know how you look you haven't changed a bit but i wonder how our friendship would have turned out if we grew up more. I know it would have been good because i could see you were going to grow up to be honest and sucessful. I miss you so much and i wish one day we could meet up again and we'd go on a treasure hunt and then get so tired and come home and stand on my couch and perform our music or get the karaoke machine and your whole family upstairs which was alot and put on a show for them. We were amazing we really were, god im all choked up i can't do this i love you and miss you so much. 8. My home girl. There for my since the 4th grade. I really don't even know what to write about you. You are one of the strongest people i know. I remeber you used to never even cry. The worst could happen to you and you would stand up straight stick out your chest and flaunt it like nothing was the matter. I love that about you. I miss or fun times like shannahnahaha free willy MY BAD oh shit grl mr fergusons class that fucking tape woah we've had alot of good times together. We've definitly grown apart over the years and it's funny today that you asked if wanted to chill this weekend for some reason i know it's not going to happen like that but im okay with that. Ive learned that everyone grows apart theres nothing you can really do i mean you can relive the past i just wish sometimes we could. I look up to alot because of all the shit you deal with your never quite dealt the right hand. What is to even say what the right hand is? And how determines it? Who defines it? I dont know man i wish we could go back to smokeypot or go skinnny dipping in the reservoir or how abouts that talp video oh man i miss you girl sorry we've changed thanks for being you. Never forget MY BAD. I miss you and love you alot. 9. My blood. My hero. My inspiration. Did i mention my hero? No matter how many times you haven fucked up no matter how many years you will sit in prison i think about you every waking momment. Your the real reason of loving your family. Your the perfect, the only example. You have taught me so much you have told me over and over again Shannon don't turn out like me dont please dont and i always said i wouldn't but in the back of my mind i always knew it would. I knew all along. Maybe it was my destiny. We are so alike the differnece is i won't end up with a life of jail sentencing. Hey your getting out soon, does it really make a differnce? Will i ever see you.. i highly doubt that. You have to get the fuck out of that town, this state fuck it swim to deserted island and the FBI will be flying over you trying to aim for you in the water. You are the most destuctive person i know. I think if you ever had a chance to be with a girl and love her and marry her and spend a few years with her she would be the luckiest person ever to live. You and Shawn are so much alike i think thats why i love him so much. No matter how bad you have fucked up and have let down our family i will be the only one that see's eye to eye with you and i dont mind keeping it that way. I don't think i could ever love anybody like i love you. Your the legs to my table. I can't wait to see you. I love you 10. Okay originally this was a spot for everyone in general but i came to the realization that i forgot a very special person. This goes out to the one and only evil eyes: The first day i met you the only reason why you approached me was because i was making out with another girl. Even if it was a mistake to get my number instead of hers i thank you for making that mistake. Sadly enough i still have that paper with your the digits. When we ran into rockandbowl so you can give me your number i was so nervous because i thought you were the most amazingest person i had came across and a very long time. I was right. After that night you were the only think i thought about. The only thing i talked about. Once we started hanging out i was really into head over heals in lust with you. I thought i loved you i really did but my drunken actions didn't prove that to you. I do love you but not that way i thought i did. When i made that mistake that night and you and Scott walked from Franklin to Hamburg i knew then i really fucked up. That night when we went back to Scott's that is when i started to sober up i layed there and watched you sleep, i cried untill i cried so much i couldn't cry anymore untill i finally passed out. I can't even count the * i'm sorry's * and i don't think i have given you enough. That was never intentional and i didn't want things to end us that way. But sure enough realtionship-wise it did. When you came 2 jess's to talk all i did was cry and cry on the swings and on the dock all day everytime i looked at you i felt like i was - - big and to this day i am so sorry. I wanted to be that girl that you would stay faithfull to. We've had alot of good times and hard times since then. When your dad died i think that was the hardest thing everyone had to cope with. At that point i thought things were never going to be the same because you most likly wouldn't be around. Sure enough you moved to the condoes. And you knew you could always tell me everything and i would never break another promise to you because of how badly i felt after the one with barrett..since then the only one was out of the kindess of my heart with the night of the haunted hay ride which i won't mention. Evil Eyes, i don't know thankful i am to have you as a friend and you know whenever you need someone to talk to you got two ears in a snap of your finger. I'll always love you and i hope everything works out in your little situatoin. I'm really happy for you and i know one of these days your going to find that girl that will make you so incredibly happy and i hope im there to share that happiness with you. I love you. 11. I don't know how i seemed to forget you. I actually i know how. Im gonna break it down to you how i feel as of right now. I miss you alot. I miss everyday i had with you. I miss the laughs the cries the holidays the everythings and anythings we had together. I miss your intelligence and i miss learning from you. Because with you being around i always knew i could have a clean head on my shoulder filled with shit that actually mattered in my life shit that made sense for once. And do you know what happened to all of that? Cause i really don't. The fact of your sisters decisions and the end result at the carnival probaly the last time we acutally were hanging out. Or the fact of that being the last straw for you. The end of realizing hey im better than all these scumbags and i dont need them in my life. I don't need to surround myself by them all their doing is bringing you down in the long run. All that good stuff yeah well if thats it or the other reason with your sister or just because you felt you needed to completly change your life for the better and the only way you could do that was cease our friendship for good. Then okay. I'm glad you did it then because if you sticked around for another 5 months or so after we stopped talking we probaly would have had a much harder ending. Much harder. The stupid decision making and shit the people i started associating with. The damage and pain i inflicted on myself and others the people that loved me i totally brushed them off my shoulder like they were nothing. When really they were the only constant in my life. You ask do i have them now really i only have one of them left. Shawn. That's it, The one person everyone said wasnt right for me. They were all wrong. Hes the only thing that kept me smiling and strong through everything when everyone gave up on me. I wonder what would have happened to us if we continued to be friends. But even when we stopped talking we werent as close as we really used to be. You and your family was like family to me. But i know if we got better and closer there would be no way around being at your house with your sister and et cetera. I mean beef between me and her is mainly squashed now but it hurts just looking at her in school being around her sleeping in the same house as her would kill me. So maybe its best were not friends. I know that your making out fine without me. Im not sure how i am without you. I honestly think i would have never did half the fucked up shit i did in the last few months because i know you were that one person i needed when i thought of doing those things to look at me and be like "shannon are you dumb" and i just really would have looked around and said yes. i no that i would have never gotten so desperate and so weak i know i would have been more smarter because i would have had you there enlightening me with all that smart shit you always you used to tell me. Like the black light that day in your room. I have never heard someone in almost 17 years now ramble on about a black light and all the intelligent shit you said about it. I dont think ive ever heard a teacher or anyone with like a teaching degree say something that made so much sense but really didnt like to me. your an amazing person truly you are and an inspiration such a bright girl your gonna fucking make it some day big dude big and your gonna have a great life and im so proud of the person you are today. not that i no much about it but i know its good. i love you and there isnt a day i dont think about you to be honest. i still love you for the person you are and i miss you alot but everything happens for a reason stay clean kids its fucking worth it im out to try to go to a fuckin meeting 3 comments| Better dayz

Remebering when your crying. i'll be laughing. cause im that damn spiteful [05 Jan 2005|05:15pm] [ mood | upset ] so just an extra update cause i have so much free time on my hands and san andreas.. well i don*t even have the patience for san andreas at this point. so change of plans for shawn he wont be arriving at his home and residance until 7 cause he so reliable. i just cant think of any way to repay him other than FUCK YOU. so anywho i have acomplished nothing today other than realizing that people need to stay the fuck out of my business. I dont know how clear i can get on this subject. For all you nosey fucks yes i did relapse. On new years eve. Are you all happy now? I don't know how else to get it through to you the purpose of my life stay the fuck out of it. Someone who i loathe actually has the balls to call up people trying to be all incognito about shit " she admitted it, she relapsed ". Okay your so cool now i cant even begin to explain. Your fucking stupid. 1-3 you are so fucking stupid. You won't even grow the balls and talk to me. I'm not going to waste my time and energy screaming at you your not worth a sore throat your really not. Don't think so fucking highly of yourself. So the only way im sure you'll get this is this way im sure someone will read it and call you and be all OH MY GOD look at this shit shannon wrote okay well to that person your lame and to you 1-3: "We are not friends. Friends look out for eachother. People who arent friends with eachother should stay the fuck out of eachothers business unless theyve realized theyve fucked up and still care. Thats the only reasonable explanation i can think of. Why else would you waste your precious time trying to get people to see if i relapsed. Oh wait how could i ever forget. So that kristina wont be my friend. It makes perfect sense you see. Say i was so immature and low that when kristina called me i lied to her then you would have had a fuckin glory day for that one cause kristina would be all bad mouthing me behind me back to you and youd try to con her into being all you dont need her all she cares about is drugs. But you see im way more intellegent than that. I dont need to lie about relapsing. Its something i may not want to talk about because duh it fucking hurts. Sometimes your so stupid i think your still 13. But your not. Your actions show that you need to really grow up. Move on ive learned that its not worth wasting your time in the past. So fuck it 1-3 just stop trying to be involved in my life.. when your not. Because i don't need to associate myself with more knieving backstabbing lieing cheating whores. And to my knowledge that is everything in a nutshell that you are. Test me if you doubt me". Now that thats out of me i feel better. Arite so i lied. I wish i could tell you that in person but maybe when you grow up some more out of your childhood and open up your eyes to the fucking real world you'll see that and give me 5 minutes to tell you how i feel. If not 5 minutes 5 seconds just to plainly get the point across of stay the fuck out of my life. I really hate people who are fake i really do. I'm at a standpoint in my life. With Shawn not helping the situation anymore of still doing drugs himself its hard and my friends and everything. I mean who is to say who really is my friend anymore. I need friends that are sober. Or friends that can accept soberity. I need so much more help than im giving myself. I need to Jay to open up to me and be my nigga again. I need more NA meettings. I need alot of things that i can't have right now and i feel so empty. Relapsing i never thought could feel this shitty. I think Shawn is the only one that really saw how bad i felt after i relapsed. And yanno i really wish people would stop IM*ing me why did you do it. Why your stronger than that you didnt have to give in. No i didnt have to. And no i didnt even want to. But i did. Their was something inside of me that wanted to i guess. And i know at the point i wanted it so i can't have regret for it. I just have to learn from it. And its hard but i have no pity for myself and im not sympathizing for myself either because i need to just pull it together. I need to start going to meetings more. and get a sponser. Do something differntly. I mean it was working doing the whole staying home and only being with Shawn. And breaking it down to him NO drugs for a month and then some. But it got so overrated being home all the time, doing nothing. I miss being out hanging out with people. But as soon as i step foot out the door im haning with someone who's using. Thats basically the majority of my friends. Someone help cause i am so empty here and so lost on what to do next. Got to skip back a few entrys now and add a special person to that 10 people thing without mentioning names thing, You know who you are. Come to realize you sliped my mind. And i wonder why.. were nothing to eachother now but you get what you deserve and what youve given me and you deserve that paragrph or so about the impact on me. Check it out later. uhh baby come home.. :( 1 comment| Better dayz

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