cheer up emo kid!! [you|mother fuckers|breathe my pain] emo kid [ cheer up | emo kid ] [ smile its good | for your cheek bones ]

FRIENDS ONLY [19 Aug 2003|11:48am] [ mood | FRIENDS ONLY ] [ music | FRIENDS ONLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ] FRIENDS ONLY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah, I'm too lazy to get one of those lovely picture things made. All current friends, don't fret you have no need to comment and will remain friends. Any non-friends who want to become a friend, comment. I'm not expecting any comments here. My sister just walked by saying ooo blurty.com in this udderly terrible voice that made my stomach turn. SO, FRIENDS ONLY. Thanks. help me// 18Losers.

I'm gonnnee [09 Aug 2003|12:07am] [ mood | crappy ] [ music | From Autumn to Ashes- Eulogy For an Angel ] By the way, I'm going to be gone from tomorrow till next Sunday...at the beach in North Carolina. I won't be able to update or comment. =\ Talk to you kids when I get back! help me// 4Losers.

Warpeddd [08 Aug 2003|11:50pm] [ mood | sick ] [ music | The Used- Say Days Ago ] Fucking kicked ass. Even though I was all by myself. The Used definitely rocked the whole show/ Fuckkkk yeahh. Bert mooned us. Hahah and he dove into the crowd, as well as Adam from Taking Back Sunday. I got TBS autographs...=). No pictures because the evil fuckers made me check my bag in...though like everyone but me had a bag. God that makes me so mad. I missed Poison the Well.........=( fuck. I bought 2 shirts. A belt. And poweradeeee mother fucker. The pits wern't that intense. Nothing compared to Skate and Surf. Buut it was hot as hell out. My ass was blatently grabbed during the Used's performance. I swear that kid had to have been blind. I don't know. Overall a pretty good time. What can I say, I'm an independent woman. WOOOO -throws hands up for destiny's chillld- Hahaha. I am the biggest loser alive. help me// 1Loser.

erjkhgtrebgkjewr [08 Aug 2003|01:07am] [ mood | weird ] [ music | Living Sacrifice- Threatened ] Isn't my new layout just FASCINATING?!?! With the big chunky border shit right thurrr. I'm going to warped tour with my dad. This should be soooo very interesting. I'm gonna buy clothes. A LOT OF CLOTHES. It'll be like going to the mall...............yeahhhh ya dig with hot men and kickass music. But I'm gonna be by myself. I LOVE MY OWN COMPANY <3333 WOOOOO. Oh yeah. And pictures. A lot of pictures!!!!!!! AND I'M GONNA SCAN EM ON THIS VERY COMPUTER AND SHOW YOU I GOT MY MONEY'S WORTH. BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BITCH. I am in such a weird mood. HAAHHH. help me// 4Losers.

survey on musak [07 Aug 2003|05:05pm] [ mood | bored ] [ music | Soul Asylummmm ] DATE THIS WAS FILLED OUT: August 7th, 2003 FOR STARTERS: Sum up your musical taste: everything and anything. rock. rap. from classic to now. country even. yeah. SONGS: favorite songs at this moment: the whole In Flames Reroute to Remain album. Bright Eyes- Padriac My Prince, Haligh, Haligh, a Lie, Haligh. The Faint- Let the Poison Spill. Now it's Overhead- Blackout Curtain. The Pixies- Where is My Mind?..etc... most annoying songs at this moment: that wayne wonder shit. and that other one that starts with 'uh, oh!' Fucking retarded. song that most reminds you of waking up in the morning: Oasis- What's the Story, Morning Glory? song best to drive to in the morning (to work, etc): Offspring- Bad Habit song best to drive home from work to: Golden Earring- Radar Love song best to listen to while night driving: anything In Flamesss song best on a sunny Sunday afternoon: U2- Sunday, Bloody Sunday song best to listen to at night while at home: Bright Eyes- Lover I Don't Have to Love song that reminds you of your childhood: Spin Doctors- Two Princes song best to relax to: Norah Jones- Don't Know Why song best to get ‘pumped’ to: 50 Cent- In Da Club/ PIMP/ Magicstick song that make you pensive: So fucking many. Bright Eyes. The Pixies. song best for rainy days:Rainy Days- Conor Oberst and some other dude split song that remind you that you're in love: Whitney Houston- I Will Always Love You song that remind you of travelling: On the road Again..by I don't know who song that remind you that everything is wonderful: Uh. No song can remind me of that. Unless I'm really high...Masturbates makes me feel wonderful. lol by MSI song that make you laugh: Retard Choir - The Insects Will Get You song that makes you cry: Counting Crows- Round here/all of August and Everything After album song that give you shivers and/or goosebumps: Sooo fucking many. Counting Crows and Bright Eyes especially. songs that make you feel ‘sexy’: lol no song could ever make me feel 'sexy.' but horny, yes. first 3 songs at your wedding [if there is one]: Damn I don't know....let's think. I don't know. Bob Marley- One Love, Is This Love?..and something else MUSIC GROUPS: favorite music groups at present: Counting Crows, Bright Eyes, In Flames, Coldplay, Led Zeppelin, Nirvana, Offspring....so many favorite music groups when you were 13: Nirvana, I liked more rap..Eminem and Dre wut wuttt music groups you still like after years and years: Counting Crows, Spin Doctors, all classic rock, Nirvana, Red Ho Chili Peppers...stuff on MMR music group you liked then, but not now: uhhhhh. I don't know. most influential music groups for you over the years: sheesh. not over years... but Bright Eyes is fucking amazing. most annoying group: Avril Lavigne. Ashanti. etc. music group you are embarrassed to like: I am not embarrassed to say I like Britney HAH. SINGERS: favorite female singers: Dixie Chicks, the Rocking Horse Winner, No Doubt, Garbage...etc favorite male singers: Conor Oberst, Adam Durtiz, Davey Havok sexiest male voice: Jimmy Urine sexiest female voice: Uh? Lil Kim is a whore ahahha most annoying male voice: Dashboard guy's can get annoying..John Mayer most annoying female voice: Avril. male singer that makes you want to cry: Adam and Conor....in a good way female singer that makes you want to cry: none really.. If you could only keep 20 CDs in your collection (heaven forbid) which ones would you choose? 1. Bright Eyes- Fevers and Mirrors 2. Counting Crows- August and Everything After 3. Led Zeppelin- Greatest Hits 4. Mindless Self Indulgence- Frankenstein Girls Will Seem Strangely Sexy 5. In Flames- Reroute to Remain 6. Bright Eyes- The Story is in the Soil... 7. Offspring- Smash 8. Greenday- Dookie 9. Eminem- The Marshall Mathers LP 10. Eminem- The Slim Shady LP 11. Eminem- The Eminem Show 12. Bob Marly- Legend 13. AFI- Shut your Mouth and Open Your Eyes 14. Anti-Flag- Mobilize 15. D12- Devil's Night 16. Red Hot Chili Peppers- Blood Sugar Sex Magik 17. Boy Sets Fire- After the Eulogy 18. Coldplay- Parachutes 19. From Autumn to Ashes- Too Bad You're Beautiful 20. Dun dun dunnn....I'd have to say a mix I could make. help me// 2Losers.

... [05 Aug 2003|10:39pm] [ mood | no idea ] [ music | Coldplay- Trouble ] I fucking love this song. I feel bad for my parents. I guess I'm not going to Warped Tour. Hmph my sister got mad at my music and decided to put the tv on as loud as possible. Mrs. Morgan said you could probably get a gun around here....... I don't know what to say. I don't feel so good right about now. I wish my mom was home. I hate everyone. help me.

boring fucking summer [05 Aug 2003|08:05pm] [ mood | dirty ] [ music | The Osbournes...it's funny Kelly hit Jack bahah ] The new GAP commercial with Madonna and Missy Elliot is catchy. Good commercial...I've only seen it twelve times. Last night I went to bed at 8. I woke up, ate breakfast, and went downstairs to watch tv. After a little bit, I turned to VH1 and they had the top 100 songs from the past 25 years on. Guess what I did? I watched that fucking show for the 5 hours it lasted. 5 straight hours of television. It makes me want to puke. That is so fucking pathedic. I hate this summer. But, I actually enjoyed it..there was some awesome fucking songs on that countdown. I had heard everyone of them. I was pleased to see Eminem get number 4 for 'Lose Yourself," and even more happy to see that Nirvana was number 1 with 'Smells Like Teen Spirit." That is so fucking awesome..because man, that is such a great song. I remember back at the middle school dances they played that song once at each dance, and all the guys that were into rock at the time would start jumping really high...and I would always go jump with them. Yeah, it was for other people to laugh at..but I also loved the song. I'm probably never going to see any of those boys ever again. Wow. The other night I was listening to Mindless Self Indulgence before I went to bed, and I began cracking up. Because, I realized that one of my favorite songs on the album is about a television show I used to watch. Ok...I don't know if I'm just really slow, but did anybody realize that the song "Clarissa" is about Clarissa Explains it All???!! Bahahhaha. I was laughing to myself so much..I'm going to post the lyrics. every single one of you goddamn bitches ain't never gonna know the law i'm telling you every single one of you goddamn bitches ain't never gonna know the law every little thing you do - rock mine every little thing you do - fucking ho on monday night bitch - tuesday night bitch - wednesday night bitch - thursday night bitch if you're so smart, explain this clarissa - pow you're so smart come hold me fergusun - come on and ride me now come hold me fergusun - well i said i got nothing come hold me ferguson - come hold me ferguson - come hold me ferguson come on come on come on ride it ride it pow Hahahahha. If you're so smart Clarissa, explain this. Because she can 'explain it all." Bahahha And Fergusun was her brother's name. Hahahahha I just realized that. Just wanted to share it. Soo we're driving up to New Jersey Thursday to see warped tourrrr. I'm fucking excited. =). I need a haircut. I need a lifeee. The beach in...5 days. Thank god. Then school. Fuck. help me// 2Losers.

hehh I'm a dumbass [31 Jul 2003|01:49am] [ mood | bored ] [ music | The Good Life- Tell Shipwreck I'm Sorry ] I changed my password, but I didn't think it had worked..and it did. So, I have been wanting to update in here for a while but I couldn't. Whew, glad that's over with. Life has been boring, all day I sit here at the computer, watch tv, and do house chores. Lovely. It sucks. I wish I could have fun..what a waste of summer. It's really late, my sleeping pattern is messed up. I'm terrified to death to go to school. I hope there's some nice people there. I need to order the Bright Eyes box set off Saddle-Creek. I also am leaving to the beach in about 12 days. I'll be there for only a week, but meh..it'll probably be the highight of my summer. Then school is fucking right around the corner. It starts late august =\. I think I wrote that sometime before. Heh. I hate school..but I can't judge this one before I even go. I just have to make friends. -shudder- lol...I told my mom that I want to go to the salvation army or some thrift store to buy clothes..since all I wear anyway is old t-shirts and jeans. Heh and she doesn't want me to 'buy shitty shirts with stains on them.' Whatever, she better take me there. I gotta talk to my parents about Warped Tour.....................yeah. Night kids. help me// 2Losers.

Homer Simpson is cool. [28 Jul 2003|01:08am] [ music | The Postal Service- Nothing Better ] "Kids, you've tried your best and failed miserably. The lesson is, never try." You used to have a goal, a dream. But somewhere along the way, you failed at acheiving this. Now, you don't even try anymore. You've most likely given up on things you once loved. While this attitude can prevent failure from occuring, it doesn't help you acheive your dreams either. Realize that all dreams aren't impossible, and that life is what you make of it. Which Advice Quote said by Homer Simpson are You? brought to you by Quizilla Wow. I am a sad, sad person. I'm listening to The Postal Service, recommended by Kent himself. I really like them. I shall try to download more songs that he told me I should. I have such a shitty computer, it's hard. Heh. I scratched my poison ivy with a bottle cap and it doesn't itch anymore. Lovely. So far it hasn't spread past my leg. I got a slight tan today..from being in the pool. My mom's leaving tomorrow for a week..for work. =\ I hate when she isn't around. I feel so blank. Nothing gets done either, because we don't have two adults to drive and whatnot. Whatever. A week is a long time. Bah. I hope my dad is in a good mood. I need sleep in that hugeass bed I got. Later. help me// 4Losers.

summer sucks [27 Jul 2003|09:12pm] [ mood | bitchy ] [ music | Candlebox- Far Behind ] I am so fed up with all the shit I've been getting. Poison ivy. Wow. Thanks a lot , oh lord above. I'm just...really upset and angry and sensitive lately. Today I walked upstairs and slammed my elbow into the door (I punched the door afterwards). Then, I stubbed my toe, then I broke the cap off the dressing, then I made all the napkins fly out of the holder, then my spaghetti flies right off my plate. It's not much, but it's the little things..they all add up. They form me into a bitter, angry, fragile child. And and...I don't know. I can't take it and I'm so fucking worried about school starting. I can't imagine how I'm going to feel..and I'm going to start crying in front of everyone..and I'm going to feel lonely and like a loser and a longing to have friends. I can't think of the last time I went somewhere without knowing anybody. It's so terrifying. I am used to walking everywhere alone, and being alone..no matter what. But now..there's no time between periods to look forward to seeing my friends. If I can call them friends. Well, yeah, most of them. The girls..the boys aren't. Because they don't give a shit about me..and I can't call people who don't respect me my friends. It's just not right. I hate Wwp. The more I think about the towns, the more I hate them. People there are fucking horrible to eachother. They've never even heard of the word 'respect.' I can't stand how people are there, I just can't. Everyone..they are so fucking awful..they are nice to you, then the next minute they are complete assholes..but then later they still expect you're going to love them no matter what. They only think about themselves..and it's not completely their fault..and it's not everybody, but the town has shaped these people. These snobs who think they can get their way no matter who they have to put down in the process, it doesn't matter. I hate them. I hate those towns, that school. It's all a pile of disgusting filth, wwp. It's pathetic. It's sickening. It made me this way. Fuck you. help me// 5Losers.

wipe that tear way now from your eye [25 Jul 2003|02:07am] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | Oasis- Champagne Supernova ] I love Oasis. I got home. I had a meh time in New Jersey. Because I'm just a meh type of person. And, where were you while we were getting high? Wheeeeereeeeee???? Fuck you. I am in the worst of moods. Because I am. I got hit in the head with a pool ball. I felt like shit. I am shit. I cried. A lot. And now the rest of the tears that I had been holding back are flowing out and it all sucks. I am a loser. I hate this. I don't even understand why I cry anymore. And I need a fucking explanation. I need a fucking shrink, because I am really unwell. It is the summer. It is July. I don't know why I am still feeling this way. I guess cause nothing really changed. But everything changed. I live in another fucking state and house but I feel worseeeeee. Worse. It's physical and mental pain everyday. Every fucking day. I am sick of it. But I have no power over it at all. None. Well don't you think I may feel a little bit helpless?!! Fuck. My stomach hurts..for no apparent reason. My whole family is still awake. I took a nap for hours. And hours. And I am still tired. I don't have fucking mono..because I am not always tired. At least I don't think I have it. I think it's just the nagging of my depression making me want to be asleep forever, and that is why I sleep so much. Since November my life has been in a daze. I don't like it. It's weird not feeling like yourself for so long. It's uncomfortable. It's annoying. It's depression. WoooHOOOOOOOOOO. I hate life. Goodnight. help me// 1Loser.

Two pills just werent enough. The alarm clock's going off, but you're not waking up. [16 Jul 2003|01:09am] [ mood | sad ] [ music | Bright Eyes- The Center of the World ] I just would like to inform everyone that I am falling into an even deeper obsession with Bright Eyes. Eep. And, if you don't have the Every Day and Every Night EP, GET IT. It is fucking awesome. All the songs are unbelievable. Well, all songs written by Conor Oberst are unbelievable, but you know what I mean. Lila close your eyes the dark outside can't hurt you and i will never desert your bedside so close them tight the stars are so glad that they've found you and on the blankets that surround you they shine their light they shine their light rest your head and i will be watching from the doorway as you drift into a perfect, peaceful sleep and morning will come in all its simple glory and you will find the light and i will be there standing in your shadow knowing that you once were mine all mine my baby my baby He's so fucking brilliant. I think that song contains the sweetest words ever to be recorded. Damnit, if someone ever sang that to me, I'd fall apart. Overwhelmed. Lila missed a good chance. I don't know where I am going with this. Just wanted to express my obsession. Night kids. help me// 4Losers.

Against the odds. [12 Jul 2003|12:18am] [ mood | sleepy ] [ music | In Fames- Dawn of a New Day ] Well. My mom did come home today. Late though. Her, my sister, and me all went out to UNOs at like......10:30pm. Good food..but aftewards my sister and I were cracking up hysterically for 5 minutes straight because we remembered this machine that would go "give me a quarter and I'll tell you your fortune, fortunes for a quarter, I love quarters." It was the dumbest machine ever. I mean, wtf, how the hell would some thing you plug in the wall actually tell you your fortune? Hahah so we laughed. It was funny, it was like two manic bipolar kids. Haha. But I felt weird because I hate my sister and we haven't been happy together like that in sooooo fucking long. So it was weird. Oh well. For some reason I can always think more when I am writing in this journal. I had a three hour nap today. I dreamt that I did shrooms with my neighbors. Hhaha. It was really cool, and I loved it. But I never would actually try shrooms, because I promised to myself and Mrs. Himsel that I'd stick strictly to weed. So weed it is. Plus, I already had my shroom trip. I mean, it was a dream, but it felt real. You know? Yeahh. I was fiending hardcore for some pot today. Damn. I'm tireddd. I love my new icon. Conor is my hero. help me// 3Losers.

mehhhhhhh [10 Jul 2003|01:03am] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | In Flames- number 13 i dont know the fucking name ] Bonnie aka Grief really hurt my feelings back there. I actually don't give a shit about her, fuck her, but seriously, random little things like that make me think and I'm not a fucking strong person so now I'm fucking crying because my brain is pressing all this shit on me at once because her little bitchy comment triggered it. Fuck. I hate that. Fuck her. I'm mad. Mad as in sad. And that was one fine example of a run-on sentence. No sensitivty. I swear to god I hate when people are blunt. You suck, cockfaces. Haha new word. Wow I'm so upset. I bet nobody has gotten upset over something like this before. But I'm not upset over that, I'm upset because of that. That shit made me sad. Because It made me feel. And I don't ever feel anything but sad. Damn her. Fuck her. I hate people. help me// 5Losers.

meh [08 Jul 2003|11:33pm] [ mood | sad ] [ music | Coldplay- Don't Panic ] It's been a while. I don't have much to say. I've been really down lately because, hell, I'm lonely. It's so weird being alive. I feel like I shouldn't be, like I'm dead inside and I wonder why my body still physically exists. A lot of times when I'm listening to music, just randomly I choke up. Today in the car my sister and I were listening to Lasgo's version of "Boys of Summer," and I was so teary- eyed. It was fucking LASGO. I don't understand. I have turned into the most fragile person alive. Don't mess with me, because I just might kill myself. You know? All this depression shit has done to me was make me more sensitive. I can't handle that. I can't. I need to grow stronger and I'm just crumbling even more. All these random times of the day, I just well up with emotions. I hate it. I hate this fucking feeling. I hate not being able to do what I want to do. I feel trapped. I want to go places, I want to love people, I want to be loved in return, I want to be understood, I want to have fun, I want to be happy. And I can't. No matter what I do. Because I am so fucking lucky. Right. I hate life. I'm so alone in this world. It's awful. Today I bought a live Counting Crows album and an In Flames one. They both are fucking amazing. I hope music will somehow..give me strength or hope or a sense of connection. I want to know that there are people in the world that feel just like me. Because I'm still not convinced. I watched Along Came a Spider on tv today. Awesome movie. My sister just told me to stop typing. WHAT THE FUCK. I answered with a "shut the fuck up." I hate her. We live in a beautiful world. So why can't I be grateful for what I am given? I feel like my feelings are all selfish urges to get what I want. With sadness comes guilt. I hate this. help me// 5Losers.

Harry Potter ROCKS [06 Jul 2003|07:07pm] [ mood | bored ] [ music | Boy Sets Fire- Aftr the Eulogy ] Madam Hooch, Quidditch Instructor. Harry Potter Quiz: Which Hogwarts Professor Are You? brought to you by Quizilla annnnnd You excel at Defense Against the Dark Arts. Which is really good because who knows when you'll run into that disgruntle troll or banshee going through menopause. Which Class at Hogwarts Would You Excel at? brought to you by Quizilla Man. I love Hary Potter. I am so bored. help me// 2Losers.

Pearl Jam [06 Jul 2003|11:24am] [ mood | crappy ] [ music | Black- Pearl Jam ] I havn't updated in foreverrrr. Blah. I came up to New Jersey late late tuesday night..to Allie's house. We drank 4 shots of 80 proof vodka each, and remained 'tipsy.' We were aggravated. The next day we were trying to get in touch with people and hang out, but nobody was home, or they just didn't want to do anything. Meh, I kind of felt like shit, because, I mean, I came up to hang out with my friendds and get away from lonliness, but nobody even wanted to see me. So, Allie and I made plans with Aisha and Rob to go to the movies. Haha. Rob brought bud, we smoked, I had fun. We ended up not seeing a movie, and then we just sat in a circle outside and talked and talked. Nexxxt day, Allie and I got a ride to Charle's house. We smoked and hungout. It was really a lot of fun. I like smoking with the two of them.we just chilled but we also laughed, and Charles had this fucked up website ahah it was so fucking weird..kind of like the teletubbies but weirder. So weird. Later we walked to Christina's and smoked 2 grams of reallly good shit between 3 people. I was so high. Chritina kept playing all this trance music....like the Flaming Lips. I got the spins, I had smoked 3 bogies and I layed down and it felt like I was moving, or flying through somewhere. Then we had to go, and I fucking did not want to leave, but we got up, and then I was blind from standing too fast, and then I puked some in the sink. Eh, but I didn't care, I was so high. Thennn Allie and I went to Lauren's and she smoked a roach from her brother, and got high, and then we munched out at Aljons...came back, listened to music, watched part of Road Trip, and slept. The next day was fourth of July, so I had to go to the Morgan's, it was alright though. We watched 234731059724758231 episodes of Family Guy, one of the best shows ever, and played Ping Pong and Pool and ate. Yeah. We also took Andrew's dog on a walk. Heh..ok we were bored. Slept over the Haar's, the next day I woke up at fucking 2 pm. I hate when I do that and I don't know why I do. Then I felt like shit, and had a slight breakdown. These feeeeelings wont go away. I don't know. It's weird, I feel like I have been both mentally and physically sick. My body temperature is fucked up, I am always nauscious, and almost always have a headache. And then I sit there feeling like crap, and I get bombarded with my own thoughts, and breakdown. Yay. So, I don't know when the fuck this will end or what wll make it end, or even who will make it end. All I know is I am lonely here and in New Jersey, it doesn't fucking matter. I'm never alone, I'm alone all the time. Yeahh Bush fucking rocks. Now getting to Pearl Jam. I went to their show last night with my family. It kind of sucked with them there, but it was great nonetheless. They played a lot of songs, many weren't even theirs. We only had grass tickets, so everyone was standing and watching, and they began Evenflow. We alll sang, but in the middle of the song these hugeass, amazing fireworks began to burst right over the water front where we could see it. Everyone got so happy about it. They were all saying shit like, "this is fucking awesome." Haha. But it was fucking awesome. Especially when Eddie acknowledged the fact that they were going off, and sang Neil Young's "Keep on Rocking in a Free World." That, my friends, was awesome. He also sang Black. I was so very happy. =). And in the Song "I Wish," (think thats the title), Eddie sang "I wish I was the President," and this goofy looking guy who was obviously a huge fan said "SO DO I, ED." Everyone was so funny/cool/drunk. There was 2 encores. There was a hot guy there..with his ugly girlfriend. Hmph. And the dudes next to me were smoking..they had a J, and then they got out the fucking smallest pipe I have ever seen. Haha I was so jealous..they were so high. They would stare up at the stage allll zoned out for..10 minutes straight. It was funny. I grew envious of all the couples there. I always do that. I can't help it. I just wish I could experience it. Some day. So all in all, great fucking concert. I want some people to come down to my house. Mehhhh. My mind hurts from thinking. help me// 1Loser.

Stand By Me [29 Jun 2003|01:24am] [ mood | lonely ] [ music | Stand By Me ] This is such a sad song. I was online..lonely and bored and Danielle IMed me and said how much she misses me and asked if she could call so I said yes, but I'd cry. And we talked on the phone about everything for so long, and we were both hysterical and she was slightly drunk but I don' care. I love Danielle. She was the most wonderful best friend anyone could ever have and ever since we parted I've been like this. Like a fucking mess. A screwup, a depressed loser. I miss her so much and I've always missed her I just couldn't admit it to myself. And we talked and it felt so good to get all that shit off my chest to HER. Not to my journal, not to someone else, but to Danielle herself. I feel so bad for everything I've done and said. Because it all wasn't true. I just. I'm so glad I talked to her but so sad at the same time, because now I'm gone, and we can't be as close again because we live so fucking far away. Why do things happen like this? I have such bad timing. I hate this. So frustrated. I feel s out of it. So lonely and left out. I want to be there when eveyrthing happens. I want to be with everyone again. I want to be best friends with Danielle again so I can have someone to be with all the time, someone to run to whenever because she lives right down the street. But now nobody lives down the street. I wish she could move here. I wish we never parted. I regret so much shit in my life. I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. help me// 4Losers.

[28 Jun 2003|10:59am] [ mood | crappy ] [ music | Nothing..my sister's sleeping ] I'm looking at what I wrote last night. And man do I have mood swings. Split personalities. I become a completely different person. It's interesting, but hard. Today I think I'm going to IKEA with my mom..to get stuff for my room. I don't have any. The shit that was in my room is now in a guestroom..and I'm starting anew. Woo. I had my bogie last night. I think only then did I master the art of inhaling a cigarette. It was amazing how much calmer I became, though. Thank God. I can't describe how hard it was to not cut last night. It took..so much for me to put the fucking scissors down. I'm glad I didn't. I need to get out of here and back to New Jersey. Now. God. My mom said she's pay for train tickets, but I feel bad. And I have nowhere to stay anyway. I have a horrible headache. I don't know if I should sleep more or not. I am rather tired still..whatever. I wish I still had that Harry Potter book to read. Damnit. Well..sorry about my ourburst last night. I'm not going to delete the entries or cover it up, because they are real. Sad as it is, that's how I feel sometimes. And I guess I have to force myself to accept that, and typing it down in this journal helps. help me// 1Loser.

a long december [28 Jun 2003|12:46am] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | Counting Crows ] I remember listening to this song in December..and thinking "maybe this year will be better than the last." And well, I am listening to this song, and it talks about the winter, and how it makes you more sad...and maybe this year will be better. Well it is not. THIS YEAR IS 29845790832759032 BILLION TIMES FUCKING WORSE. I HATE THISSSSS. I want to die. I am so sick and tired of every fucking thing. And I can't stop updating because I have just broken down so hard that I don't know what else to do. And I have snot running out of my nose. ISN'T THAT ATTRACTIVE?! ISNT ITTTTTTTT. OH COME ON FUCKERS YOU KNOW YOU WANT A PIECE OF THIS. Is everybody happy now? I fucking love the Counting Crows. I WANT TO MARRY THE MUSIC. Why did I let myself slip this far. I hate New Jersey I hate Maryland I hate California. I hate the world. I hate I hate I hate. I hate life. I hate death. I hate the day and the night and sleep and being awake and I hate weed and I hate school and I hate everything. I need a cigarette right now. I shall go have one. I think I should take a bike ride- I'm really not very safe here. I have to get away from myself before I do something stupid. And I WILL do something stupid. But my parents wont like me smoking. I don't know where to ride. I'd get lost. But then again, who the fuck cares? I certainly don't. I hope I get lost and become deprived of water and food an thought and I hope I die out there. Because as much as I hate death, it certainly is better than life. And I'm not sleeping tonight. It's too late now. help me.

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