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[17 Jan 2003|05:50pm] |
yeah ..i'm just letting ppl know that i'm so fuckin fed up with ppl i dont want (aka ex bf) reading my journal so
if you want me to add you to my friends, post and i might..
this is now friends only!! in ur face ass muncher..
dont u just hate pussy men? gah..
i also blocked his ass..yep,yep no more IMs..and i might even block his calls to..
anyway i gotta go
~broken
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| a poem |
[17 Jan 2003|04:25pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 melancholy |
] |
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music |
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strawberry gashes ( jack off jill) |
] |
“ Mistaken love”
Once tainted, twice tarnished painted black an blue.
Crimson red streaking down from her, eye’s filled with tears.
Open wounds salt and seasons burn inside her flesh.
One mistake could send her away but you still can resist the test.
Broken girl open holds the secret to your fate..
It scares you to know that she could kill you just with words.
Blasphemy against her soul leaves you coiled up..in hell..
You killed the mold that she once could hold the safety to her world.
I’m not so sure how you got their, and I don’t know how you lived..
But the damage that has been bestowed upon a aching, bleeding, burning girl.
Can’t be healed by you.
Turn away again, pretend you didn’t crush her.
Its better that you forget her now then try to change the way she dies .
Your punishment is written your sentenced with the knowledge ..
You picked the flower and plucked her dry and left her their to die.
(by me)
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[17 Jan 2003|03:45pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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crushed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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my ruin blasphmous girl |
] |
my insides hurt, i feel like i'm dyeing
everything falls apart once again... I thought that i had myself together i thought that maybe i would be getting better soon. I was wrong again.
i'm crying again...
Have you ever just wanted to end something? walk away and try to keep on going.
only it keeps coming back until you feel like your at the end of being able to stay alive?
ya know?
why is it that my ex wont walk away..he trys to manipulate me with things, stories and lies.
dont he see i shut me off and that he will never get me back? sometimes u loose things if you dont know how to
treat them. sometimes their is only 2 chances not a third..
i cant be friends with someone that makes me sick, so many feeling live inside me for him ..none of them are good.. he says i still love him..i DONT and i could never again.. then he says i never did.
for someone who clams he new me so well he never knew me at all..cuz at one point i loved him with my life..
now i hate him with my soul.. i cant sit their an explain to him all the reasons why i hate him? what the fuck.
i need to try an get on with what life i have.. i wouldnt mind if he did..i hope no girl ever falls for him and if she does good luck i wish her well... and i feel so sorry for her.
i'm gonna cut again.. i have nothing to stabilize me anymore.. but i wont tel nox.. i want him to be happy so i have to keep pretending that i can do this without him..or anyone else..ya know.. being alone isnt always what its cracked up to be, i use to be able to do it.. it was just find but now i feel like i could just crack into a thousand lil pieces and no one would know..
i'm just the broken glass that everyone steps on.. NO one sees me they just feel the sharp pain and pluck me out..
I wanna curl up and just go away.. I might lose my ability to stay alive soon.
**shifts eyes**
Does anyone remember that friend that was their when you cried your self to sleep?
has anyone ever had that friend who held a cold rag to ur face and cleared your tears away?
where is mine? why didnt i get one? i have always been their for everyone else so when it my turn!
i mean do i not get one?!
stubby if my best friend..she is to far..ashlie is to but she lives like 3 hours away and she is off to the navy soon..
i just need to feel loved again..
and ...
***as these tears fall it proves i'm not only broken.. i'm empty now**
i miss jase... if he were here none of this would have happened..god why didnt i listen to you!!
~~broken
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| argghh!! |
[15 Jan 2003|06:27pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 enraged |
] |
| [ |
music |
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hold me when i'm down |
] |
Well, I'm rather pissed off right now..
my ex bf patrick sent me an e-mail about alot of stuff.. which was ok until i came to
the pArt about him having dreams that i was crying over nox.
and that he thought something was wrong..
if you think about it.. or i should say if he thought about it, he would know that i am smarter then that.
ya see saying that he is having dreams about that when i never gave him any sign that me an nox were having probs cuz we wernt..
we just both thought it over "together" and decided it was the best thing to split..
but we both love each other alot so it was hard..
only when u love someone like i love him an he loves me you want the best for one another..
we both need to be held ect..ect..
we did say that if we wernt with anyone and we could be together we would hook back up.
i'm getting off the subject though.. the fact is i know my ex patrick somehow got my blurty journal link..
and he thinks that i'm embarrassed because me an nox didnt work out,,thats why i wont tell him..here this is what he said to make u understand my last comment...
A LIL OF WHAT THE E-MAIL SAID : i have been having lately and the dreams i have been having lately are making me wonder. I say that only because lately i have been getting a really strange feeling like something is wrong with you something that your don't want to tell me about or just haven't got the chance to yet i don't know maybee you are scared or embarrassed to tell me about it or maybee i'm just way off and i'm feeling things that aren't there i don't know only you can tell me one way or the other all i know is.
LOL riiight.. the only reason i havent told him about me an nox not being together.. is cuz i didnt want him
to talk his shit..and i also didnt want him to think that cuz i had no bf that i would go back to him..cuz i dont plan on it.. i am going to find a collage man at AI Colorado Institute of ART..
cuz i just think that is the best for me..
as for my ex reading my journal, i think it is an invasion of my privacy and rude.
you always wonder why i dont trust you.. well here is the perfect example of why..
god i'm so pissed if i wanted u to have this link i would have gave it to you!..
stupid ass.. gah.. ANYONE HAVE A STRONG DRINK? **looks around*
~ky
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| I'm so sick |
[15 Jan 2003|05:20pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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sick |
] |
| [ |
music |
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she fuckin hates me : puddle of mud |
] |
god i dont know who the fuck gave this to me but ...grrr i hate being sick.
last night sucked, i cried my self to sleep :\ I'm just so fucked up inside.
ashlie called me an asked me if i was ok, i told her i was just sick and blah.
I just couldnt explain everything to her.
it really didnt matter anyway she has her own life and shit so i dont want to bother her with mine.
i wish i had drugs ... really strong ones.. yeah.
god i'm shivering and aching allover..after thinking about my options with the G.E.d thing i am not going to
the place i told u about.
i'm going to a different place and the pre test is on wed. then i will know if i can just take the test or
i need classes. best part about it is it dont $ u like 500$ just 40$ so i can put more towards my car.
::cough::: i think my lung just cam up ..eh..
i cut last night *sigh* :::thinks.i'm just fed up with life, i'm missing something inside why can i just find it?::
i dunno ..here is another poem..
><><><><><><><><
Barren Heart"
She sits in silence shivering, its cold.
Seeping sorrows carry her soul like blood thirsty sparrows
Time unfolds memories,
pasts, nights gone fast .
She cries a lot holds it within.
Red pedals now black rippled with sin.
Time slowly Wendell's As she sits in her den cutting and writing
Pain that's so deep.
a wall she will build a mountain to steep no one will enter,
No one will stare..
its a place where she can live in despair.
her lifeless eye's her barren heart,
showing secrets and lies torn apart.
hollow chest,
ruptured mined ,
Lost in time a broken spin.
Words she speaks soft and sweet,
only her peers fear
her screech .
Withered and used lost and abused,
she pushes away she hates the day .
She crawls in the dark sliding in flight,
casting shadows and kissing the night.
always dripping with blood ... cuts so much,
a river was made she will swim in her self
and live in her daze.
Only they continue to say its just a phase.
Time has taken another soul its packed her fury and flattened her mold
but her story you read,
its her pain you heed ...
another shallow thought lifted your scoff.
How can she be?
Nobody knows.
For how could they see her,
If her face she never shows?
living in her world is not yet alive..
hoping and praying today she will die..
why is it she can't really hide its not fair she wonders why?
captured inside her own spider web ...
she lays their and cries still wondering why with all of her empty heart,
why shes constantly falling apart... ..
writing and cutting till the day that she dies when she will close her eye's and meet with the sunrise..
Drip*Drip
by (me)
ps..every poem i post is by law mine..dont try to steel or ur ass is mine.
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| poems |
[14 Jan 2003|12:58am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 blah |
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music |
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radio |
] |
I wrote this poem a while back, for a friend of mine.. the poem is self explanatory..
Disturb not the dream,
For it will disturb you
Tears to remember,
dreams to hide, but it will fade all in time.
She tries to block away the past .
cut all the ties that last .
Its all in her head ..that’s what he says.
Her mother never really new why she always sat and cried …all the pain for that little girl.
Who’s soul was locked up inside his distorted world..
Cold nights she slept in fear for her innocence he’d steal ..
He’d stow away for a half an hour killing her inside and leaving her to die.
She was a butterfly trapped in a web of sins ..
He a wasp with penetrating stings ..
Not caring he tainted her wings ,
He clipped her of her dreams
While he sat and let the poison kill ..his babies spirit slowly wilts ..
nightmares galore she cant forget the feelings of that cold floor.. The way
His fingers traced ...
Crimson tears falling into blue …
She don’t know why but she still loves you..
One day mommy asked some questions ..
Confessions lead to hate
Now daddy went away and kylies set free to play ..
But she will never be the same her life will always be changed ..
The lullaby will always strive to survive ..wicked lies never die.
He stole her innocence ..he stole her child hood ..he broke her trust ..
With a sinful lust and all of this At the age of eight ..a broken child with no soul ASCAP !
By me
><><><><>><
“Broken Star”
Don’t u ever wonder how your star blew out?
Why u never felt the love they say you had through out?
You set your stare to the fires glare. opening that door,
To the world you really never saw before..
It invites you in, harboring your safety…
You take the risk…
Your eyes adjust to the cores light..
Bringing you joy because u made it half way ..
You still remember him and you wont forget..
But u surrender to the fight..
You start to tingle you feel the hype ..
But you need more to feel alright..
You never saw him in your life before. His eyes bring a glimpse of what
His arms could hold, I see my reflection battered as it is..
I can see my face torn with love and hate.
Is it worth the fixing ..
It might brake again ..
He smiles, as I shiver all the while my mind is racing.
Screaming out for help . Does he see it? Why would he care?
Another girl with a empty stare …and a heart full of hurt and confusion.
Everything all rolled into one.. only one title could be held..
“broken angel” full of sorrows .. half of which are hidden inside for no one to see.
Its night again my prince gone.
The moon is full and it drapes me like a cloche, tiny lighting bugs fly and float I wanna fly away.
I’m looking for my star and I feel like its so close …but its broke..
It blew out gone forever sparkle an shine no more precious star of mine .
The wind catches me and I can feel my body lift…everything is moving so fast now ..
I feel so free, scared and happy …but wait what’s this ..I .. I see him ! I feel alone!
Where am I my star?! My star! Oh my god had I fallen!? oh my god had I slipped!?..
I lay here… I’m so cold.. but I feel no emotion .. I feel tears streaking down my face ..
But I am not sad… my heart slows down and I can hear everything echoing ,and
Then I hear my song… ~~:”:~~:”:~~:”:~~ and everything fades ..the tears stop..
But I see red and blue lights I feel people running.. And my last thought before it stopped,
Was I didn’t fall and I didn’t slip .. I merely flew away.
by me...
blah..this ones ok.. its not my fav that i have done though
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| Just another fuckin day... |
[14 Jan 2003|12:10am] |
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mood |
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sick |
] |
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music |
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crawlspace song:my ruin |
] |
well, the nigh before was fucking grooling {sp}? to say the least.
I feel like i lost apart of me somehow. Well me and nox are over *shifts eye's* i love him so much,
we both love each other but our relationship right now just can't happen. i feel so fuckin lost right now.
with him in cali and me here in Louisiana, also me going to Colorado soon for collage its fucked..we were both upset..and i cried an he got emotional saying things like "i love you baby" and,
"i wanna hold you so bad right now" it was almost unbearable. its not fair that love has to be separated by states but part of it it my fault too.. It's a case of caring and loving my friend stubby.
she lives in Colorado. and she is going through hell .. i just think her parents should go to hell..
when i get to Colorado i'm getting a lil apartment till i finish collage,
and she is most likely off an on stay with me their.
nox wanted me to move to cali an go to collage their with him .
stubby needs me..& so does he.. its the altament test "your best friend who had been their through thick an thin" or "your love/bf who has always been the best he could and loved me right" gah. I was in tears but i never said he couldnt stay with me their he just has all his family an friends their & school to.
When i told stubby i promised i would move their and then she wouldnt feel so broken and alone..cuz she would have me an we are alot alike an understand eachother. i planed on keeping it ..
Life is so fuckin chaotic.
today i went to adrians house with some friends.. he got his halo off and he just has to wear a neck brace for a while.. after that wreck he is lucky to walk again, or move for that matter.
i was looking at some old drawings he had done and he is so awesome!.. but life is so fucked up.
after the wreck he cant draw like that anymore.. cuz of nerve damage in his hand an coordination. that means no more bass to play..and he was so good.
it just goes to show you how easy ur life can be taken away.. he is so strong though cuz alot of the ability he lost was the "him" part ya know? like art an stuff.. i would go nuts.
i'm so blowed right now..jeeze i guess it helps me..i needed it.
my head hurts though, and my tail bone..i fucked up my lower back lol damnit...
i am an accident waiting to happen. I swear, blah...
i had something i was gonna say but i cant remember..and i really wanted to say it.. fuck.
oh my friend who was running away called...all her plans got fucked up..her mom is a fuckin nut..i wish i could help her :/ *points to me* ::wishes she could save the world, yet can save her self from .. herself"
yep, i think i'm gonna get one of my poems and post it up for you ppl..
~me
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[12 Jan 2003|08:57pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 bored |
] |
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music |
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stigmata soundtrack : mary, mary |
] |
Take a broken pen write the words that flow with in me ..
If I could turn my self around I wouldn’t be left on this broken run away train,
Sliding on a broken one way track.
I thought you knew that.
Take just one more shallow breath & try to pretend he didn’t go out like that.
He’s still living, but he’s not.
I cant take much more,
with this sadistic Dieing list of all the things I use to love...
I feel so lost inside I fly above .
Take me out, take me back, back into you.
Inside your comforting world.
I just need to feel that bond no that I can always turn,
turn back to you when this one way track runs out of time.
Broken led burnt papers line the way through out the destiny of us,
all the poems and the stories of the people lost inside,
lost inside of this broken hell.. we bleed to feel held.
Are we freaks?
Just the fuck ups that they wield out of broken homes?
We feel life is empty, life is cold.
With no shoulders to cry on when our dreams have been ripped away.
They say with all the TV shows they play..
Parents need to know.. Every place we “play” .
All the things we do to cope, we do to survive we do to hope.
All the drugs all the drinks, Slicing arms AND burning feet its all healing us from you.
Take the photographs we keep,
our serenity our peace.
hold our minds with your electric grasps once more.
Brake down theses doors .
you won't win though you can take our will.
:by (me)
....
i am still working on the rest
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| this is a poem i wrote.. |
[10 Jan 2003|07:21pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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numb |
] |
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music |
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crwal space : my ruin |
] |
Blood blot
Fingers trace the words ..
Eye’s unlock the gate ..
Knees curl and bend,
I pull them to my chest,
I hold them while I shake.
My arms are cold and numb,
Tainted and shunned.
Bruised and sliced I weep.
Blood slowly seeps to fill the floor around me with lies an my defeat.
My lips are sealed and trembling white with no color,
My face showing no expression as I’m silently laying their.
I can feel my self slip yet I make no move to catch me.
I can see my self falling yet I do not care.
I have lost myself,
Or did I ever have myself?
Things I use to wonder I know now.
Things I thought I knew I wonder about .
Nothings really clear..
Everything’s a blur,
I fight my self every night.
I’m Trying to stay alive..
My world is one big ink blot what do u see?
Everyone’s opinion is different of me.
The picture is was they paint.
Everyone “knows me” yet they ask so many questions..
If asked what makes me tick couldn’t answer it..
1...2...3.…4 I’ve lost reality again,
Help me you so called “friend” ..
OH yeah that’s right.. you can’t.
(Curl up inside of me and hold me for awhile I promise when we awake you wont remember your mistake.. The one you made, the one you made of me)
~by (me)
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| ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! |
[10 Jan 2003|06:21pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 scared |
] |
| [ |
music |
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fade away |
] |
im such a fuck up! blah..blah...blah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i'm crying so hard right now! .. my best friend that almost go put away..
she is like my lungs..i havent got to talk to her in like ever..she got on long enough for her to tell me
she was sorry for not calling me that she couldnt, her this was our convo:
her: hi
me: hey
me: stubby!
her: i cant talk long.. just wanted to make sure you werent worrying because i didnt call you
me: i was my phone got turned off for to days! i was so upset
me: ::hugs:: are u ok
her: yea i'm fine
me: what alls happened?
her: but i gotta go
her: nothing
me: ok.. :-( tty when u can
her: k are you still moving to colorado?
me: as far as i know..as soon as we can.. why?
her: just making sure the reason i'm living is still happening
her: i'll talk to you later
her: bye
me: ok babe
me: bye
YA KNow how you know when ur best friend is lying? well, she was...she isnt telling me whats going on cuz she dont want me to worry. i hate it when she does that!!
the worst part is my parents dont wan to move their anymore cuz my day!!!
but i am going to school their... i promise everyone that if i have to get 2 jobs i will..
i'm going their..the catch is.. i have to live through the 15 weeks of G.E.D school..
i cut 4 more times!!!
I'm dieing inside and no one can help me. its times like this i wish i had never been born
god i love her like my sister i hope she is ok..
i have to go get a rag for my arm..
~nicky
P.s is it normal if u have "Dissociative Identity Disorder" for 1 alter personality to take over a few others?
god i'm so fucked!
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| *sighs* |
[10 Jan 2003|05:57pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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crushed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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strawberry gashes |
] |
a friend of mine is leaving, she's running away..... I'm worried about her.
But she is strong she will be ok...wish i could leave to..life would be better.
i'm empty, I just feel so fucked up inside.
I can feel my insides burning . Can't even paint to take it away so i cut, it's bleeding right now.
Maybe one day i can feel happy? i dunno. i cant remember when i have felt that in a while.
Nix missed her appointment today... everybody thinks i'm hurting her but she needs me to do this to her.
she does.. and cutting is so good for us.
I have to go now..
~broken
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| something good that happened |
[10 Jan 2003|12:03am] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
] |
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music |
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creed : arms wide open |
] |
the other day i got a new ring,
one of those that holds a lil marble..and the marbles are re-change- able .
i love it, its on my ring finger.. hmm i bet it would hurt if i hit somebody with it *smiles angelically* ::trying to conceal the horns::
i need to hurry up an get the butterfly tat on my wrist... but i'm not sure if thats what i want, i just know whatever i get goes on my inner wrist.
lol i'm getting my eye brow done within the next few weeks.. yay..ok..
I'm done "trying" to be happy .
~Gia
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| what can i say? I'm fucked |
[09 Jan 2003|11:11pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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depressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Crawlspace: my ruin |
] |
SO, tomorrow at 11:00 i have an appointment with my doctor {blah}.
Apparently mom doesn't think my meds are working, I think its just cuz I'm not fixable..
i cut again tonight ... just a few minutes ago thinking about how fucked u my life is and how I think i pissed off and hurt nox. Whats new everything in touch turns to shit right? yeah. well, his cell phone was dead well not all the way it had enough to text me to let me know it was dying
this is the convo :
him: just saying hey
Me: Hey
Him: are you ok?
Me:yeah
Him: are you sure?
Me: its doesnt matter anyway
Him: i care yes it does
Me: well, i'm is a shitty mood i dont feel good..and it fels like we arnt together anymore.
Him: why would it feel like that?
Me: it feels like ur pulling away..
Me: if you want to leave me nox, I'm a big girl i can deal with it..
(i don't want him feeling like because i cut an i am depressed he has to be with me cuz he cares, i dont want charity)
then the phone rings, i pick it up it hangs up.. '
Him: my phone is dead i'll call u later.
Me: ok
hours later ...no call.. then no call today, see ythe fucked up thing is i feel guilty for putting this on him now cuz he is really sick... but this was happening before he got sick.. and i need to know..
i think theirs someone else but at the same time knowing him as a person i dont think he could do that to me..
but he is a man.. grrr!!!
I also need to call brandy an ask if her friend Justin is ok.. cuz he got in a wreak ..we both called the hospt
on three way an they said he was, but whats their definition of ok? .. hmm i dunno.
monday i go to orientation, for my G.E.D classes.. 15 fuckin weeks.. jeeze.. i have to be around ppl i dont know OR like .. maybe my doc can give me something to deal with that..i hate school..its hard for me to sit for that long an listen to something come out of somebody's mouth i normally dont like..
and i suck at math..I'm gonna freeze and look like i dont know anything.. blah i wanna cut..
i have alot more to say but..I'll post later..
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| just had an epiphany |
[07 Jan 2003|04:45pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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melancholy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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stigmata soundtrack: "mary, mary" (sitgmata mix) |
] |
WELL, i woke up late today i guess i knew that would happen cuz i haven't been sleeping hardly at all.
My little brother charles came home from school today all mad about his shitty day, his girl friend (keep in mind their 9 lol) brittany was being a bitch on the bus.
but he is going through alot at school and he has anger management problems to top that off.
awhile back he had some kid who hit him on the ground with his hands around his throat..
::sits back a moment to be proud::: thats what i'm talking about lol just like his sister...
but at the same time i'm deeply worried because while we were in the kitchen, me getting drink to do my usual
and head back to my room...while he was talking to mom he said something that sent chills up my spine.
He's like all talking then mom said "are u ok charles, because you come home everday yelling an screaming" "i just can take it anymore". then he bust up with "well i see you standing their all happy and it makes me sick."
he's like "mom their this big stuff that is bothering me and this the lil stuff happens, then i just can't deal with it anymore and i go nuts" .... i freaked inside having had that convo with mom so many times.
i remember having told her that before i started cutting.
i dont want to see him go down this road... in fact i have always kept that side from him. I mean sure we fuckin fight all the time and i hide in my room like its a cave but i do love him and i'm just worried.
anyway after he got that outta his mouth me and mom looked at each other we had both had the same thoughts about him.
I'm just glad he couldnt see our faces.
I just dont know anymore, i'm telling you i had always told my self that this deep hole inside, my cutting and feelings are not just from all the shit i have been through but a family cures to. and after digging i found out some shit from mom that scared me.. so i know he could have some problems to.
well to get off that subject.. I'll start by saying yesterday fuckin sucked..
my cell phone bill wasnt paid on time so they cut it off..which would not have been so bad if i wasnt expecting a very important call from my friend stubby...who is going through hell right now. and might get sent to a mental ward... the list is so long i could go on forever about whats wrong with her..i dunno .. i'm so worried..i miss her .
I cut last night, pretty bad. god when will this end.
~nix
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| first post |
[07 Jan 2003|03:18am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 curious |
] |
| [ |
music |
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stigmata soundtrack |
] |
umm .. its so fuckin cold in my room right now,its even colder outside.
yeah well just seeing how this look i'll post somehting later.
~nix
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creative
