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Doug

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all you'll ever need from here.... [30 Apr 2004|12:18am]
http://www.livejournal.com/users/shadowstes
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Well.... [27 Apr 2004|11:48pm]
it seems as if things are not really going anywhere for me....cept the fact i've had a lil more sleep this weekend, surprisingly seeing how i didn' really sleep on sat....good times brett....well other than that the mandy, brett affair is still up in the air, still feel like i'm back up, mandy's and i's relationship hasn't changed too much since they've dated, brett and i's are still sorta kewl, but its when i'm with the both of them i feel hurt, i feel pain, i feel ...left out...

i'm off to see if sleep is probable, probably not tho.....then maybe guitar


Shadow
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"Not now not now"....i wish that was true [24 Apr 2004|03:44pm]
Well, its sat, the day i was suppose to hang w/ the guys, but promo said he couldnt' work so now i have to go...brett and mandy are off to the beach, i wasn't told tiill like noon....they asked me to come by then but by the time i cleaned up the house and put brett's comp where he could get it later when i'm at work it was almost 130, and i figured i was only going to be there bout 40 mins or so, figured out that it really wasn't worth it, they kept pushing, but i felt i needed to alienate myself only because i hate getting myself in that situation. i know i can be a dick when i am in that situation but that is merly a cover for how i really am....sad. for instance i was being really stupid one day when mandy and i met up w/ brett and cailin, mandy and brett sat next to each other, i sat w/ cailin, tis good to see her again, well i kept making fun of the two when the waitress asked, "is this your boyfriend," refering to brett. i was laughing only because inside my heart sank. i didn't want anything to go wrong at the beach, they needed to be together and have fun. Now as to find joy in "their" relationship i don't think i have the maturity in me to do. i can say, but i'll never feel.

Now they are mad at me for not going, i've told them A THOUSAND times that if this were to happen i would alienate myself from them, obviously they didn't beleive me, or didn't care. but now that it is happening, they are very upset w/ me, and i can't help but to stand there and take the hits.

I'm in help, probably noone cane help me either, today i ran into the door jam of the motorhome and tore a good chunk of skin off, it hurt like a bitch, and yet at the same time it was nice, for that moment i forgot all the other pain. Now i understand cutting...huh....wierd, and yet scary.

well off to work for a boring show, i'll prob be IM all weekend, let me know what you guys are up to...

Shadow
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[21 Apr 2004|06:56am]
(Placing her hand on my heart) "...Feel this...this is NOT going to stop...not now....not now."

~Shadow
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Why does it hurt to tell the story everytime? [20 Apr 2004|10:10pm]
so by now most of you know what going on in my life...so when i say the weight is getting heavier you'll have an idea why. what scares me the most about what is happeneing is every prediction i make has been right on the nail, if you have talked to mandy myself, or brett, you'll know that their relationship will be avoidance of physical contact,....oh god i wish i could beleive that, i see in the near future something way different. the other night i mourned for my dad again, thank god mandy was there, i'm gonna hurt when she leaves me....she says she willn't but brett will get to the point when he'll influence her enough not to hang w/ me anymore. I know my best friend too much, that i hate....there are times in which i could dissappear, i don't want these two have to think about me, this isn' the good dissappear either...they also "reassured" me that they will be here for me, sadly enough i'm reminded of when they "reassured" me of them not seeing each other. right now only two things are bothering me to line of pain....brett; he knew it would tear me up if he were to see mandy, continued to flirt w/ her, in a very suddle way, this he can not deny, why else would you keep a girl at your house till 1 everynight, two, mandy is the only one who cares enough to see me when i most need people....that hurts only because i will have to get use to not seeing her at all, but if i keep confiding, it will be that much more pain.

this is all only the beginning of true depression, and i feel as if i can't take it now....God...plz help...me...

signed,

"one who will very soon be as non existance as a shadow"
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Why does it hurt to tell the story everytime? [20 Apr 2004|10:10pm]
so by now most of you know what going on in my life...so when i say the weight is getting heavier you'll have an idea why. what scares me the most about what is happeneing is every prediction i make has been right on the nail, if you have talked to mandy myself, or brett, you'll know that their relationship will be avoidance of physical contact,....oh god i wish i could beleive that, i see in the near future something way different. the other night i mourned for my dad again, thank god mandy was there, i'm gonna hurt when she leaves me....she says she willn't but brett will get to the point when he'll influence her enough not to hang w/ me anymore. I know my best friend too much, that i hate....there are times in which i could dissappear, i don't want these two have to think about me, this isn' the good dissappear either...they also "reassured" me that they will be here for me, sadly enough i'm reminded of when they "reassured" me of them not seeing each other. right now only two things are bothering me to line of pain....brett; he knew it would tear me up if he were to see mandy, continued to flirt w/ her, in a very suddle way, this he can not deny, why else would you keep a girl at your house till 1 everynight, two, mandy is the only one who cares enough to see me when i most need people....that hurts only because i will have to get use to not seeing her at all, but if i keep confiding, it will be that much more pain.

this is all only the beginning of true depression, and i feel as if i can't take it now....God...plz help...me...

signed,

"one who will very soon be as non existance of a shadow
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Why does it hurt to tell the story everytime? [20 Apr 2004|10:10pm]
so by now most of you know what going on in my life...so when i say the weight is getting heavier you'll have an idea why. what scares me the most about what is happeneing is every prediction i make has been right on the nail, if you have talked to mandy myself, or brett, you'll know that their relationship will be avoidance of physical contact,....oh god i wish i could beleive that, i see in the near future something way different. the other night i mourned for my dad again, thank god mandy was there, i'm gonna hurt when she leaves me....she says she willn't but brett will get to the point when he'll influence her enough not to hang w/ me anymore. I know my best friend too much, that i hate....there are times in which i could dissappear, i don't want these two have to think about me, this isn' the good dissappear either...they also "reassured" me that they will be here for me, sadly enough i'm reminded of when they "reassured" me of them not seeing each other. right now only two things are bothering me to line of pain....brett; he knew it would tear me up if he were to see mandy, continued to flirt w/ her, in a very suddle way, this he can not deny, why else would you keep a girl at your house till 1 everynight, two, mandy is the only one who cares enough to see me when i most need people....that hurts only because i will have to get use to not seeing her at all, but if i keep confiding, it will be that much more pain.

this is all only the beginning of true depression, and i feel as if i can't take it now....God...plz help...me...

signed,

"one who will very soon be as non existance of a shadow
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Sorry for no post.... [18 Apr 2004|10:59pm]
Well i'm back....and i've fallen back into things...hard things...i went up in a bitter attitude, and those junior highers taught me grace, and i get back home to find out that... some one has been telling secrets, and it hurts cuz this same person keeps asking for me to tell things that are going on w/ me....i guess i can't do that anymore....not again...i'm sorry to that person, but never again...probably.. post more later about my dieing life....


Shadow
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wow..... [12 Apr 2004|08:55am]
not sleeping sux......i feel now as if i've just been left in the dust, big time...

depression sucks, but its better, not to talk
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[12 Apr 2004|01:16am]
so far....i've hit every nail on the head...i was right about mandy and brett, i didn't want to beleive myself, i wanted to beleive them, but sadly i fell to a hand full of lies, now i'm face first in dirt......alone. because of them i'm finding a hard time beleiveing anyone now.....i've put my life in to those two, and they come back to me and lie....to my face. God knows i love them to much, so i figure if they can be happy together, best not having me around. , now this pain is growing ever so quickly. It will be a mircle if i live throught the next week.... don't bother to call.....for once my phone will be off....


God help me....this depression is too strong....

signed

Crushed....
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It may just be.... [30 Mar 2004|11:19pm]
I think i figured out a huge problem that i'm facing....when i hear my friends tell me "your not opening, or your not telling us"...the problem lies in the "us" i don't confide to ppl when there is more than just one, few ppl acually sit me down one on one and face it...mandy did, and i loved it, cuz i learned some things..hmmm...i'll have to think a lil more about this to see if i can do something about it....
aight.... cheez-its then bed, night


Shadow
2 comments|post comment

... [29 Mar 2004|07:03am]
Hey again its me...i'm starting to understand what my uncle was telling me when he said the tough is yet to come. Sure there are good times out there, no doubt about it, the hard times is comming home to an empty house. I've never felt so lonely than i did yesterday,
Its hard to look up at you when i know i don't deserve to.....
I try to look for what to do, but your plans decide it for me
please help me, i've fallen again, tell me what to do...

Its seems at times i don't know if its all worth it. all in all that rumor killed me, and being single...errr....alone sucks...sure i can go almost anywhere and get 'chicks' w/ brett but most of the time i pass, because i'm done w/ that, i don't need a night stand, i need to confide. someone to hold....

i hate being alone....

Shadow
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... [29 Mar 2004|06:58am]
Hey again its me...i'm starting to understand what my uncle was telling me when he said the tough is yet to come. Sure there are good times out there, no doubt about it, the hard times is comming home to an empty house. I've never felt so lonely than i did yesterday,
Its hard to look up at you when i know i don't deserve to.....
I try to look for what to do, but your plans decide it for me
please help me, i've fallen again, tell me what to do...

Its seems at times i don't know if its all worth it. all in all that rumor killed me, and being single...errr....alone sucks...sure i can go almost anywhere and get 'chicks' w/ brett but most of the time i pass, because i'm done w/ that, i don't need a night stand, i need to confide. someone to hold....

i hate being alone....

Shadow
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*yawn* [24 Mar 2004|07:00am]
[ mood | drained ]
[ music | Dig- Jars ]

well....i made Lineage we'll see if brett makes it. It would be my second beta.....right now life is ok...could be a lot worse....last night i was at brett's w/ the gang, and we watched them play games for a while (mandy and i) then we all watched cabin fever, ok movie, i left in the middle cuz i was dead tired from the 12 hour shift yesterday at the bob....now i'm awake and getting ready for a test...and i think a pop quiz.....grrr...i figured i will no longer go to anthro, its just not worth it for me, i have a huge problem, i'm suppose to meet someone today, and i can't remember their name......not good, they were in my math class my soph year......and that's all i can remember. haha this outa be fun..... then on thursday, after i get done w/ work at the bob, i'm meeting up w/ alexis,....sweet.....we're gonna go hit friday's for a bit just to chill, she's sooo cool, i'm looking forword to it. Btw tomorrow is the one year since my dad was diagnosed w/ his cancer...so i may need a lil more support tomorrow...all the stupid memories.....



Why me?....


Shadow

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[21 Mar 2004|04:20pm]
Well the spring break went well, cept the sickness, and then the ten hours spent driving....i did get to see my sis that was kewl, and it's my mom's bday today so we spent the weekend w/ the grandkids.......or my nieces and newphew.
\
Other than that i've been reviewing my lifestyle right now, and i'm disgusted....half i'm a becomming extremly lazy, i need to go out running more, a lot more..... and secondly i keep hiding myself from things i shouldn't..... its as if i'm denying myself that things are happening....like taking advantage of my mom's house, but if i leave it will kill her. but i will leave this house.....aight finish later


Shadow
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a lil halo humor for the fanatics out there...sorry to rest of you for having to go thru these... [10 Mar 2004|11:37pm]
Church: Tucker! what the hell is my body still doing up here
Tucker: That's called being dead Church, your body doesn't really move around so much anymore, maybe you haven't fully grasped the concept yet
Church: Well than let me rephrase that than.
Why the hell haven't you buried my body yet
Tucker: Buried with what, all we have are pistols and rifles, what do you want me to do shoot you a grave
: Church: Well than how about shipping me back home, you know, let the loved ones pay a little respect
Tucker: Well Church here's your girlfriend.
Tex as one of Church's loved one would you like to pay your respects...

That was a stirring eulogy rest in peace good buddy
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RVB.....the teleporter....call me if ya don't know wut this is.... [10 Mar 2004|11:21pm]
Church: Alirght that's it I've had it, rookie you stay here, me and Tucker will head through the teleporter and cut him off at the pass
: Rookie: Right
Church: Tucker, you ready
Chruch: Let's go
: Tucker: There is no way I'm going through that thing!
: Church: Tucker, we don't have time for this. Why would they give us a teleporter if it doesn't work?
Tucker: I don't know. Why would they give us a tank no one could drive?
Church: We already tested the teleporter.
: Tucker: We through rocks through it.
: Church: Yeah and so what, the rocks came out the other side didn't they
: Tucker: Yeah but they were all hot and covered with black stuff
: Church: So I guess that's what this is all about than, your afraid of a little black stuff
: Tucker: Yes, I am, I am afraid of black stuff
: Church: Tucker I almos hate to do this to you
Tucker: You wouldn't
: Church: YOu know I look at it this way either A we go through there and get the flag back, or B we stay here and I get to kill you, either way I win
: Tucker: Just for the record I want you to know that rocks aren't people
: Church: doolie noted, now get in there
: tucker: crap
: Tucker: alright, one... two...
...Rookie (Caboose): huh? he didn't come out the other side.
: Church: yeah, I've decided I'm not going to use the teleporter
: end
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Hey hey, sorry for no post [10 Mar 2004|07:03am]
alright alright alright i'll post sheesh......lol j/k i figured i should do this because peeps have been iming me, nonstop. well the weekend was awesome went to forest home for the first time. got to hang out w/ everybody pretty much, the guys in my cabin were, justin, robert, cory, "icer", and shane, it was toooo much fun, let see in a nut shell, night consisted of blind man's bluff, and throwing my shoe at a racoon, trapping racoons in our cabin, and for those of you who know "great dane" i'll leave that one alone, i enjoyed being a councelor tis fun. ok so other than that, either mike or brett have been at my house, mandy dropped in to use the comp last night but she didn't stay, tear. oh yea, mike and mandy both now know of Fecal japan, ewwwwww...so gross......i guess joe had a pranked pulled on him w/ that, i'm sooo sorry bro.....

ahhh..bad news, freaney comes down next weekend, and i can't do anything till monday....grrr...i'm just going to have to skip school to chill with that guy, i love him too much to sit in a freakin class....

Talked to KJ finally, first time in about a year, i miss that man, i'm gonna go up and see him sometime, let me know if you want to go......

take care,

Shadow
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*sigh* [01 Mar 2004|11:03am]
Well lets see, CYT is over with and i'm bummed cuz now i willn't see them for another 3-4 months....how sad.
Jason's wedding was sooo sweet. He cried at the alter a lil as she was about to come down the isle. Tammy was absolutly in cloud nine. He's face was full of color and i don't think he ever frowned once, dispite the fact that i am single and was at a wedding it was still fun, i danced w/ some of the brides maids, my cousin was kewl and took me out one time, and danced a lil with sarah james, havn't seen her in soooo long.

Apart from that i'm a lil tired, had a debate that i think i got a C on....it was pretty sad, my opponent read straight from the book and that's all that i had against him, he had some good points. I got railed on, so now i'm in a plain mood,

Well for those of you who read this next part don't tell my mom for she still doesn't know,
MY SIS IS HAVING A BOY!!!! for once i can be a real uncle...i'm sooo stoked, that means i can spoil him in the pleasures of baseball, sunday's spent on the ouch, and of course fishing, all the things my dad did to me, i want to be able to do to him. I'm really stoked, this is really going to make my day when he arrives.
Well mike is going to be an uncle, again, some time in the next few hours, apparently lisa is in labor, i guess...that would explain why he isn't at school right now.

Well seeing how today will be like the first time i'll be home in weeks for dinner i'm going to be stoked to see if my mom will make me something, i'm getting tired of the same ol cheap food found in the boonies of FBK.

well i'm off almost time for anthro, and not looking forward to getting back the midterm from last week, arrghhh...

Peace,

Shadow

P.S. call me if you want to lan tonite....
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New room...so so very sweet....come by, but have to go around to the back and go through door near the motor home [25 Feb 2004|11:16pm]
hahah...i'm lovin this new room, i have only half my crap in it... ahh. can't wait till i'm done with everything...katanja came over and just fell in love w/ my home, she was stoked at the palapa in the back w/ xmas lights on it....the quote of the day from half the ppl over "dude, you have to get a small kitchen then ur set..."

well i'm off to bed i have work at 7 tomorrow, tear...

g'night...
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