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[11 Feb 2004|10:01pm] |
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mood |
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 crazy |
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music |
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the deep end of the ocean |
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I've decided to write in this thing now cuz nobody reads this and I just need to get some stuff out...
My sickness is getting so much worse. Sometimes I think I need help but where will that land me? rehab perhaps? no thanks. I can't talk to anyone...they don't understand...they have no idea what its like. I don't know how I got this way, it all happened so quickly. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't like who I am anymore. I never really did.
I'm so unhappy its really kind of sickening. I rely so much on Jeff to keep me afloat. He's the only person who seems to care at all about what I'm going through. I love him more than words can even begin to describe. He's leaving for europe for atleast 2 months and I get really stupid when I miss Jeff...I lose all sense of me...It's like I become completely numb and disappear.
I'm afraid...
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| oooh superstition... |
[19 Jan 2004|09:54pm] |
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tonight at midnight your true love will realize they like you. Something good will happen to you at 1:00 - 4:00 pm tomorrow, it could be anywhere aol,outside of school, anywhere. get ready for the biggest shock of your life. If you break yhis chain you willbe cursed with 10 relationship problems for the next 10 years. Tomorrow is national kiss day. if you send this to 15 ppl in 15 minutes you`re
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| if I had the guts |
[17 Jan 2004|10:58pm] |
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mood |
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 crappy |
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Haven't written in this thing in a while so I guess I will now. It's not going to be long tho.
I'm having a terrible weekend. I feel so empty and alone.
I don't know why I even bother because does anyone notice??? does anyone care??? NO!!!!!
But does anything matter, if you're already dead??
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[03 Jan 2004|11:35pm] |
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mood |
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 calm |
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music |
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Mae- Soundtrack for our movie |
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new clothes+tea+relaxation=i feel much better
:)
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[03 Jan 2004|04:58pm] |
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mood |
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crappy |
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im alone...
as usual
They say that loneliness is the human condition
well that sucks
I don't miss Jeff but i miss having a friend like that
Nobody ever calls
I'm such a loser
I'm always overlooked, its like I'm not there and like I never did anything with or for anybody. Whatever.
fuck you.
Fuck me!!
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[01 Jan 2004|07:01pm] |
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mood |
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calm |
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happy new years...
i wish you prosperity, luck, and happiness.
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| you never wanted to be with me... |
[31 Dec 2003|01:07am] |
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mood |
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 disappointed |
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music |
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Ben Kweller- walk on me |
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Sometimes I wonder why i even try. people just walk all over me all the time. it doesn't ever hurt any less. Stupid fucking people need to think about what they say and do beforehand. I guess this is where I should stop caring but I can't do that. I hate being sensative.
Just tell me how you feel...
Just tell me what i did wrong...
I never meant to hurt you if i did...
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| new layout |
[30 Dec 2003|10:48pm] |
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mood |
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 blah |
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changed my layout...i dunno about it tho, i might change it again.
I have the strongest urge to jst play guitar right now. Too bad I dont know how. I was playing piano earlier and its really sad how much I suck now that I haven't played in such a long time. I really wanna be able to play Ben Kweller's cover of the lemonheads' My Drug Buddy. That is the goal..
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[28 Dec 2003|05:53pm] |
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mood |
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 creative |
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Today was good. I had a lesson with Chris Grant. My horse jumped really well for me today. Much better than the last time i rode with Chris. I hope we jump higher next time. Then again next time is in march and we will be starting to get ready for eventing and rallying.
After my lesson I just walked all around pleasent hollow and took pictures. They prolly won't turn out good because I don't know how to use the camera but oh well. I'll learn soon. I wanna get my own camera but i prolly will just use the old one and my mom's canon.
i think im goin over Jac's soon. She takes photograohy...maybe she can teach me how to use my camera!!!!! yay!
bye!
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[27 Dec 2003|04:53pm] |
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mood |
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crappy |
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music |
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Brand New... |
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today started out ok. I went to the barn around 11:15 and i rode Cruz and he was really good. When i was finished with him, I started with Luck because stacey said she really wants him worked so that she can start using him in lessons. I spent a long time brushing him and everything so that we could get to know eachother a little and then i tacked him up and lunged him for a while. He got a little excited at first but after that he was fine. Almost lazy. After I lunged him i just walked him around the ring so that he could see everything and get his spooks out on the ground. he spooked a few times when birds flew up and when the door opened but after that he was fine and when I got on him he was fine. He needs work on his head carriage a lot, he likes to go around with his head sideways. he was pretty quiet tho and stacey said he jumps too so I'll see what I can do with him. I'll prolly just work him on the flat for a few weeks and then lunge him over fences and then start to jump him some.
So that was earlier. I got home and Jac text messaged me and asked if I could sleep over. Well I wanted to so I asked my mom but she said I couldn't because we have to go to the weatherly's party tonite. It turned into this big unnecessary argument and I got really mad and it didn't help that I was already feeling a little angry/upset/sad after i talked to Jeff. Erg...parents just don't understand. Whatever tho, I have to go to the weatherly's party tonite.
My back hurts really bad. I just took a really long ho bubble bath and listened to brand new. That made me feel a lot better. I'm basically just gonna ignore my parents for the rest of the day because I don't feel like hearing any more bullshit. I hate arguing but then again i love it. I guess I just hate the way it makes me feel.
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[26 Dec 2003|11:19pm] |
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mood |
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 cranky |
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music |
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cosby show...best ever |
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I need to go make myself some good friends so that I'm not stuck at home all the time. i mean really...most people can just call someone up ane be like 'hey, wanna hang out or whatever' and they'd be like 'yea ok'. But yea, i have no friends like that so I gotta go find some.
The exorcist is wierd...everyone should go see bowling for columbine.
::yawn/grumble:: I don't wanna spend another night at home.
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[25 Dec 2003|02:32pm] |
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mood |
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 ecstatic |
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MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!! WOO!!!
I am so spoiled it's kind of disgusting. lets start with the stocking... I got some clean and clear stuff for my nasty acne and I got some silver bracelets and some candy and such. I got a new saddle pad and it's monogrammed and I got a $100 gift certificate to Bucks saddlery and $50 for pac sun and $30 for old navy and some ammt for best buy. I got a pretty horsie mug and a warm fleece to wear when i ride. I got a camera from my uncle but its kinda wierd and I'll prolly just end up getting my mom's. She got me some professional film and some black and white film so im gonna take some pics soon. and speaking of pictures I got a camera phone!!!!
I got the entire level 1 partnership kit and i LOVE it! I'm so excited and I cant wait to get started with some of the young horses and get better with my horse. I got a cd and some money and a dressage coat that doesn't fit. It was really expensive too so im gonna take it back and get a store credit and I'm gonna get a surcingle and some side reins and maybe some draw reins. Plus I need another bit for my dressage bridle. I also want a fancy clincher brow band. this is all in good time tho.
I got the kewl super big eventing stop watch that I've wanted for so long and I got a belt and a pretty watch. Wow...im really really blessed. Seriously I don't deserve all of this but I fully appreciate everything that I have. Thanks everyone!!! I hope everyone else's christmas was as good as mine and now I'm going to spend time with my wonderful family who I love so very much.
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| merry christmas...eve |
[24 Dec 2003|04:41pm] |
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mood |
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 cheerful |
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sounds like everyone is working hard on christmas eve. Good job guys! I got up this morning and cleaned a bit and washed some clothes and then went and got my hair done. It looks really good, i like it. We were at the mall and I wanted to go visit Ross again but I dont want him to think im like a stalker or anything cuz i visited him yesterday and the day before. Yesterday my sister and I went in there and he said hi to me and gave me a high five again. he's so friggin hot.
Anyways, meg and I went to see LOTR last night. It was a little too long for me. I layed down on 2 seats and took my shoes off after the first hour cuz i was getting fidgety. The movie had like 18 endings and me and i were cracking up because it just kept going and going and going. omg, I was in tears and my stomach hurt so bad from laughing. It was fun. We went to the mall and got food before the movie and meg stole 8 waters from Auntie Annes.
I really need a job. I will get one soon. I really need to go make cookies even tho i don't feel like it and then I have to get dressed for dinner. MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!
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[20 Dec 2003|11:17pm] |
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mood |
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 excited |
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ok...nevermind that whole last entry thing. I mean...two journals are better than one right??? yea...thats what I thought.
The show tonight was super good!!!! wowsers, you woulda never believed it was sg!! No other show there will ever top that! I can't wait to see the prize fight again on the 28th. Their lead singer is soooooo cute and they are such an amazing band!!!!! yay! Everyone was so hype for 5 days ahead and I had funn dancing with Jac and Marcy and Rob. woot! good day today, que raro!!!
Em wasn't there and I kinda wish she was cuz i wanna find out like why she just doesn't like me. I mean i haven't even talked to her in like forever so I don't really get it. If it has anything to do with the whole Jeff thing...well...thats really not my fault. He's brilliant which makes him a little maniacal as well. Speaking of Jeff...he's not doing so well right now. I'm really worried. He had kind of a nervous breakdown and now he's on massive doses of anti-anxiety pills. I wish there was something I could do for him, I wish he was here but he can't come over right now because he needs to kinda be watched for a while. I need to see him tho. I can't stand this distance.
Anyways lets be happy because...well just because!!! I need a boyfriend. I keep having dreams that I'm with Derrick. They make me kinda sad because I know he's gone but its also kinda fun to imagine what it would be like if he was still around. he would take me to jr prom for sure. speaking of jr prom, I NEED A DATE!!!!!!!! It's only 3 months away so I better get crackin. anybody wanna take me??? haha.
i got an mmw and a prize fight shirt. woot! i also got an mmw sticker and an everafter pin. k...im all finished here cuz my back hurts like a fat ass mother and I need to get some sleep.
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| last entry...sort of... |
[20 Dec 2003|01:39pm] |
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mood |
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disappointed |
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yea...im just bored with this whole journal thing now. I just kinda wanna do stuff for me. ::cricket cricket:: the story of my life...nobody ever hears
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| i wish i was beautiful |
[16 Dec 2003|04:39pm] |
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mood |
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apathetic |
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today was crap. I feel like crap.
I might end this journal cuz nobody reads it and I started another one for just me.
I'm gonna go work out now maybe it will motivate me to do my homework...maybe
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[15 Dec 2003|07:09pm] |
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ohhhh yea, I just remembered this. I'm having a new years party...hopefully. If Jeff comes, we're having sex for sure. I'm so not kidding, I just want to get it over with and Jeff is the only guy I trust and love. Plus, I'm so horny it's fucking rediculous!!! It's actually beginning to drive me crazy! I need some testosterone in my life big time!!! Well I guess that really is it for now. I've decided to just be really open right now for some reason...wierd. I guess my mind is getting more twisted as we speak...
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| Have you ever been so truly alone...so freezing cold??? |
[14 Dec 2003|01:25am] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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I'm so confused...How can I give up on such a good thing??
If I ever live to be 80 I want to feel as loved as I'm sure my Grandma felt today. Happy 80th birthday to my grandmother Mrs. Katherine Hodge Hunter.
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[11 Dec 2003|05:55pm] |
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mood |
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sad |
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music |
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Rx Bandits (I've got the cd on repeat lol) |
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I hate computers. It's not letting me use geocities and im pissed cuz my site is all messed up. grr. I didn't go to the barn today and I'm bored. I'm supposed to be cleaning since there are going to be people over this weekend but i don't feel like it. I know that if I don't I'm going to get bitched at and I'll prolly cry since i've been so emotional lately. I just feel so lonely. At school I'm around people all day and today reminded me of much fun I can have with my friends. I laughed all period during study hall and during lunch, it was great. But now I just feel like crap. It must be this house.
I just changed my desktop like 8 times. Now it's a picture of shaun white and i like it. He is so friggin hot, I'm definitly going to the x-games this summer if its here again. Too bad the winter ones aren't here too cuz I would love to see him snowboard. He's friggin amazing, he's only 17 and he's and pro snowboarder and skater and the first person to ever qualify for both the summer and winter x-games. Whoa dude! My goal is to be the first black person to go to the NAYRC. WOOT WOOT junior olympics here i come.
More like Lexington or bust. If I don't make nationals i think I am going to be heartbroken for the rest of my life. Riding is seriously everything to me. If I didn't ride everyday would be like I feel right now. I don't feel like going any deeper into it because I don't want people bothering me and telling me to seek help or any shit like that. I do what i want.
Addictions are no fun
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[10 Dec 2003|07:10pm] |
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mood |
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giddy |
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music |
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The Starting Line- Make yourself at Home |
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I am happy. Today is good. here is why...
1. I'm going to have a partner for my leyenda when i finally decide to do it. WOO!! Plus Erica said she'll do like the whole thing as long as i do the talking in spanish. Hey now, that works for me!
2. Stacey has a bunch of horses (atleast 4 i think) for me to ride! I will prolly never have to worry about not being able to ride again. This is great. Plus now I'll be really prepared for my ratings and it will make me a better rider! YAY!
3. I talked to Jeff and everything is cleared and over and ended on a neutral note
4. I got a christmas card today from Alex Raab. She is the nicest person in the entire world, I love her!
5. my horse was really good today when i rode him, it was surprising since I haven't ridden in a week.
hmm...I think thats it.
Lunch today was fun as wednesdays usually are. meg is such a trip. Her and Jess tricked me into thinking that kenny was staying at Jess's house. Plus I love all of meg's work stories, well...most of them. Now I need to do my ss homework that I've been putting off forever. ::grumble::
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