To everyone   
08:06pm 09/02/2008
  Well, I hardly ever update, unless I have something big to say. Well, here it is!



I'm pregnant. Again.

Exciting, eh? So much for the 20+ lbs I needed to lose from the first one...I'll just have to work extra hard after this next precious life arrives.


Hope all is well with everone else!		  
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Why?   
10:38pm 16/10/2007
 
mood: cold
Why am I so scared
To stand up for myself
To talk to old friends?
Why do I put up so many walls
Make up alter-egos?
Why can't I just be content with my life
With who I am
With the here and now?
Why can't I let go of the past
Move on with my life
Get over it?
Why am I so ashamed?
Why can't I just be honest with myself?		  
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Ok..so..am I weird?!   
11:00pm 27/09/2007
 
mood: embarrassed
I've got 2 myspace pages. One that is the real me, with only people that I personally know on my friends list. The other is more of a made-up persona, on which I add pretty much anybody...But I've also been finding old friends who've burned me, and old crushes, and boyfriends...and I'm adding them as well... I don't know exactly why I am doing this. Maybe I'm just living too much in the past, whether I want to admit it or not... But I need to know, is it weird, or dumb, or whatever, of me to do this?		  
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Blarneystoned-Thank you so much for this! It is exactly what I needed exactly now...   
10:14pm 12/09/2007
  9.9.07 "I have to live in the moment & make it count. Even if the moment is dull, or tedious, scary or painful. People die. Life hurts. Your heart sometimes aches beyond the telling of it. There is only peace in letting it all go, putting it in God's hands & trusting he knows what he's doing. And that is just so bloody hard to do - because I want to be in control. I want everything to be perfect & sparkling & painless & fun. Trust is the answer to finding peace, but it is so hard to walk toward that. Fear is the enemy. Fear will keep me from self-actualization. Fear will make me dead inside thinking I can insulate myself from harm. You can't. The Buddhists' First Noble Truth states:Suffering and sorrow are part of life. My own faith tradition implores me to pick up my cross & follow the teacher. How you handle suffering defines you." -blarneystoned  
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24 weeks & 1 day   
04:44pm 15/03/2007
 
mood: bored
Well, I'm doing pretty good. Except I'm gaining tons. Since my last appointment I've gained 8 lbs. That was only 4 weeks ago, so that's like 2lbs per week! ACK!!!
My mom thinks I'm having a boy, she says the way my tummy looks plus the speed of babys heartbeat says to her "boy". I sure hope not. I used to always want a boy first, but now that I'm actually expecting I'm begining to realize that I would really like a girl! Of course I will be thrilled with whatever I end up with, just wanted to make it known that a girl is my preference.
My older sister, who just got married in January is also pregnant. I'm kind of upset, because I feel like she's stealing attention from me. Like, I was the pregnant one, but now I have to share that title with her. :S Is it weird that this bugs me? I don't know. What I do know is that I secretly take great pleasure in the fact that she has been dealing with some serious morning sickness, throwing up a lot and such.... And I never threw up! I never got sick...haha. I feel cool because I had it a lot easier than her. Oh, great, just watch, now the next time I'm pregnant I'm going to be so sick. :(
Getting pretty excited since I'm getting close to the last stretch... I guess 3rd trimester starts at 28 weeks, which is 4 weeks away. Fun news, though, I'll be 20 then! Yay for approaching birthdays! I'm getting pretty excited, there's about 23 days til my birthday...Which I share with easter this year!
Anyway, I'm going to go now, just thought I'd update on the pregnancy!		  
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20 weeks=half way!!   
11:42am 14/02/2007
 
mood: cheerful
music: Silversun Pickups--lazy eye
Well, I'm 20 weeks now. Pretty exciting, since I'm officially halfway through this pregnancy. I had an appointment this morning. When they told me how much I weighed, I almost cried. I weigh 133, and I was 126 at my last appointment, which was 3 weeks ago. Which means I gained 7lbs in 3 weeks! Yikes. Gaining weight on purpose is hard. :S
I'm not really showing much yet. I've got a small bump. Big enough that it makes me feel really fat (and makes it so my pants don't really fit) But small enough that, unless you already knew I'm pregnant, you wouldn't be able to tell.
Other than the weight gain that makes me want to cry, though, things are good. I also had an ultrasound today. Got to see my little ones face and a foot, with the itty bitty tosies..That was cute, and cool. I just wish Cori could come to some of my appointments. It breaks my heart that he can't be there to hear the heartbeat, or to see the ultrasound.
Oh well. That's all. Just thought I'd update, since I never do...
Loves!		  
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11:45am 01/12/2006
 
mood: excited
pregnant

I'm pregnant!		  
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11:01am 31/10/2006
 
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
  
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http://health.msn.com/centers/sleep/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100108153>1=8677   
08:02am 23/10/2006
 
mood: sleepy
Sleep the Fat Off
________________________________________
Lose weight while you sleep.
By PsychologyToday.com
Imagine... shedding pounds simply by spending more time in never-neverland. Sounds like something out of a late-night infomercial.
But two studies show a striking connection between amount of sleep and levels of appetite-regulating hormones in the body. The findings suggest that chronic sleep deprivation could be making you fat.
American adults have cut their average nightly sleep time by nearly two hours in the last 40 years. And while we've lost sleep, we've gained weight: In 1960, only one out of four adults was overweight, and one out of nine was considered obese. Now, two out of three adults are overweight, and nearly one out of three is obese.
Previous research had shown an association between shorter sleep time and higher body mass index, but no one knew why, says Dr. Shahrad Teheri, an endocrinologist at Bristol University, and lead author of one of the two studies.
He and his colleagues used data from the Wisconsin Sleep Cohort, which has tracked the sleep habits of over 1,000 volunteers for 17 years. They found that those people who slumbered (on average) five compared to eight hours each night had a higher body mass index.
And when the researchers collected blood samples from the volunteers, they discovered that the sleep-deprived had higher levels of ghrelin in their blood. Ghrelin is a hormone produced in the stomach that sends out hunger signals to the brain, which then commands you to be interested in food.

At the same time the sleep-deprived had high levels of hunger-stimulating ghrelin, they had lower levels of leptin. Leptin is another appetite-regulating hormone; it's produced by fat cells and delivers satiation signals to the brain. The particular hormonal ratio of high ghrelin/low leptin was likely encouraging the group to load up on unnecessary calories.
"Before this, people thought obesity was the result of sitting on your butt and stuffing your face," Teheri says. "But it turns out sleep has an influence. It makes sense to me personally, because when I was a sleep-deprived resident, I always had the munchies."
The second study hails from the University of Chicago's sleep laboratory. It shows that sleep loss has an immediate effect on the body's levels of ghrelin and leptin. A few nights of insomnia could thus trick your brain into thinking your body needs more food.
In the sleep lab, a small group of young men were forced to function on four hours of sleep a night for six days. The next year, they returned to the lab, but were allowed a full night's rest for six nights, so that researchers could directly compare their hormone levels and appetite.
During their sleep-deprived week, the men not only showed lower levels of leptin and higher levels of ghrelin, but they also reported stronger cravings for sweet, fatty and salty foods. Sound familiar?
"While there is a lot of attention on diet and exercise [for weight loss], these two studies underscore the importance of adequate sleep," says Terry Young, co-author of Teheri's study and professor of population health sciences at the University of Wisconsin.
"Unfortunately, people think of sleep as an irresponsible activity. It's as if they are being macho, and want to prove how busy and important their lives are. I predict someday that attitude will be as socially unacceptable as smoking."		  
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03:50pm 28/09/2006
 
mood: confused
today is weird, but not that great, but okay...

I've decorated my cubey a little bit, put up some pictures from the wedding.. that definitely keeps me sane.

I want today to be over. I'm only here for another 40minutes, but I wish I were out of here now..

Need to be all the way moved out of the old place and into the new place by the end of this weekend. The new place isn't ready yet, but it's close enough.

I feel a little bit like I should be shot. I have a drawer full of goodies, which really are "baddies" ...candies, and pudding, and cookies..oh my! I feel like I've lost my resolve, or something. I don't really know what it is. I think part of it is that I would really like to get pregnant, and so I don't want to do anything that would jeopardize that in any way... And apparently if that means gaining a few pounds.. then I guess that's what I'll do.. I still want to lose weight though. I've got this horrible battle going on inside my head and it won't stop. It's so loud and crazy in there, with random objects and thoughts being thrown around like some wild nightmare that I just can't seem to shake and/or wake up from.

I feel a little bit lost. But I feel slightly okay with that because I've got my love close by my side, holding my hand the whole way, leading me from my darkest thoughts into the brightness of the life we now share.

I was so happy that day. I just look at those pictures, and, aside from the sadness I may be feeling, I feel an extreme happiness and gratitude for that experience, for being able to join my life with someone whom I deeply love.		  
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hmmm   
09:38am 23/09/2006
 
mood: bored
So I told myself I was going to come here more often, update more often... but for some reason I'm having trouble with that. I guess my life is just a little bit different than it was back in December, when I was on every night, and seriously dropping poundage... Things are good though. Though, sometimes I do find myself looking back at that time and wishing I could do it again. Times are changing. My life is different than it was then. I am happier, though I still don't think I'm as happy as I could be.

Things are going alright, even though I'm disgustingly out of shape and flabby, but I've also been losing weight. Not too much, just a lb here and a lb there. Granted they tend to come back, but are gone again by days end. *sigh* I think I weigh myself too often. I'm dissapointed to say that I have not been working out lately. I've never been so good at starting a work-out and sticking with it. I ordered some Pilates stuff several months ago, and I didn't even start using it for quite some time after I got it. I was diligent with it at first... but I fizzled within about 2 weeks of starting... And now I've gone and done it again, ordering some at-home work-out videos & eqipment... should take 2-4 weeks to arrive, and I'm trying to figure out if it was a good thing or a bad thing to order it... Hopefully I'll do the workouts, and stick to them.

I have been feeling happy lately. And strange... The other day, I don't know what was going on, but I was simply elated. I was giddy and jittery (no caffine involved) I was happy about being at work. I didn't mind the calls I had to take. I was friendly, and when I got irate customers on the phone, it didn't spoil my day.... until after my last break.
(my work day goes like this 8am phones, 1030am break, 1045am phones, 1215pm lunch, 1245pm phones, 215pm break, 230phones, done by 430)

After my 215-230 break I felt drained, and iritable, and ready to go home. And then 5 minutes before I was supposed to leave I got a call that ended up lasting about 40 minutes. By the time I was leaving the building I was near tears. It wasn't a difficult call... just long and tedious. Then there were the after-work errands that needed to be run, followed by the Love dropping me off at home, before jetting off to a Flogging Molly concert. (I didn't go because I don't really like them, and I didn't really feel like going to a concert) Instead I curled up in bed and watched the Grey's Anatomy season premire. And I don't really know why, but I was bawling the whole time. I think for some reason that show allowed me to cry, though I don't think I was really crying over the show. (if that even makes any sense...)

Anyway, now that I have bored millions of souls with this long-ass entry, I'm off... I need to get dressed. We're working on the house today... Which means painting... Which is nice. I'm not going to say I'll be on again soon, but I do hope that I am. oh well, I guess we'll see...


♥♥♥
  
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01:22pm 12/09/2006
 
mood: frustrated
music: + I'm tired & droopy & upset
Ah, what a day... I didn't even want to get out of bed. So instead, I did it really slow. Which of course had us running late. Finally we're out the door, later than we've ever been, and I hop in the car and I smelled gas. As in gasoline. As we're pulling out of the driveway there was a puddle under the car. So C. goes out to find out whats leaking. Gas. His car is leaking gas. Plus he had a basically empty tank. So we had to stop to get gas, since he was low and leaking. Which put us even more behind. While we were stopped getting gas, C. checked under the hood to see if he could tell where the leakage was located. He told me that there was at least one hose, maybe two that were leaking, and said they're over the engine, which is apparantly a very dangerous fire hazard. :( This worried me a lot, because I don't want the car to catch on fire. That would suck.
I get to work, blahblahblah, and of course we're on the phones, because training is basically over, and its time to be on the phones. I'm doing alright, pretty comfortable with the systems and all the fun stuff we have to deal with. Until our phone system freaks out and drops the call I'm in the middle of. (And this is the second day in a row that this has happened.) After that it took several minutes to log out, and log back in to all of my systems. Once I started taking calls again I was ok, except that I wasn't paying attention to the time, and ended up clocking out for lunch 15minutes late (at 12:45). This wasn't really a big deal though. It was really just an inconvenience. I ended up only having 15minutes for lunch, because I was supposed to be in the training room for a meeting at 1, which means at 1:15 I had to leave for a couple of minutes to go clock out. (and i have to take exactly a 30 minute lunch, can't clock in 15 minutes early because these people freak if you go on overtime.)
And all through out my day I've been getting texts from C. about how horrible his day has been, and it makes me feel bad, and guilty, and stressed... I just want to make his day better...and take a nap.
I wish it were friday. :(		  
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...weekend...   
07:43am 11/09/2006
 
mood: sleepy
Hmmm. Pretty decent weekend, though I didn't really do much. Cori and I invited a bunch of our friends to the place we're moving into, to help us clean it up to get ready for us to live in. We made it worth their while by providing them with beer and pizza. And it was pretty fun. We got a lot done, and yet it hardly seemed like we were working. The only problem was that I ate 3 pieces. It had my favorite toppings, and I haven't had it in a while, so I kind of couldn't help myself. Turns out it wasn't a bad thing that I ate all three pieces, because I finally had a chance to weigh myself (which I haven't in several weeks) and, since the last time I weighed myself, I've lost about 5lbs! (hooray!) Yesterday we went to the State Fair. That was okay, I suppose. I don't think I've been to the fair since I was 11 or 12, but it was alright. We were walking around some of the booths, and there was one where you throw darts at balloons to win a prize... So Cori turns to me and asks, "do you want me to win a prize for you?" And of course I said yes. So he won me a prize:) That was lovely, because I've never had anybody win me a prize at something like that, except for this one time several years ago, where I had a fit until my dad won me a prize.
So, all in all, a very lovely weekend, that made me rather happy:)
Now if I could just get over the fact that it's Monday morning, and somehow convince my body to Wake Up!
♥
  
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01:22pm 01/09/2006
 
mood: excited
oh i am just the biggest goon! i'm all giddy!!
♥
i'm so ready for the day to be over, so i can go home, and spend time with my love!! he is so wonderful and precious! plus, its a 3day weekend! hooray for holidays.. and they'll be even better when i get paid holidays!!!


...i'm suck a dork...
  
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happy september!!   
11:18am 01/09/2006
 
mood: cheerful
hope everyones august was great, and i wish you all to have an even better september!!!
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
  
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plan   
07:29am 01/09/2006
 
mood: excited
breakfast--yogurt mixed w/ instant oatmeal--200cal
snack--string cheese--50cal
lunch--left over pasta-roni--250/300cal?
dinner--???not sure yet...
juice and water water water!


so today is the 8 month, but more importantly the 1 week anniversary!!! so, we're going on a date to celebrate... oh man, i love that boy!!! he's so adorable:) but i don't know what we're going to do yet... probably the standard "dinner and a movie", but he said he was going to surprise me, so he might mix it up a little bit... i'm excited to see what he comes up with!!


oh man.. and we're moving!! right now we're renting a room in a house that a friend of ours owns, but it's in a pretty shitty neighborhood, and a few of the other people who live there s.u.c.k....so my parents still own the house that i grew up in, and they've told cori and i, and one of my sisters, that they will rent it to us...! i'm so excited! we're going to fix it up a little, paint the walls, clean up the yard.. eventully i think we're going to rip out the carpet, because there's wood floors underneath...!!oh man, i'm so excited!
anyway thats about all for now:)
♥
  
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04:23pm 31/08/2006
 
mood: nervous
oh man.. i'm shaking so bad... just nerves.. they put us out on the phones today, and had us take calls, and we're only in our 3rd week of training, the other training classes before us didn't go out until way later.... oh man... it was terrifying.. i was so nervous i almost started crying...which made me feel so dumb... anyway... haha, now i'm relaying my story to all of the other people in training... oh dear...
anyway, today was alright.. and i guess my sister is going to make dinner for cori and i...pastaroni and chicken... don't know how many calories it'll be, but i'll just take a small serving... *sigh* i'm ready to go home.:)
peace		  
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01:00pm 31/08/2006
 
mood: crushed
okay... so..that 80cal. soup i had is only about 40cal. why is that? just because it spilled in the microwave, spilled about half of my soup. so now i'm hungry, when that soup should have filled me up. :( this sucks.		  
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08:10am 31/08/2006
 
mood: blah
went in the fitness room to work out..i think i was in there for about a 1/2hour...15on one piece of equipment...15 on the stationary bike... not too bad.. and its cool, because both things i used tell you how many calories you're burning.. granted i wasn't burning as much as i'd like.. but oh well.
anyway.. the only problem is now i'm feeling a little bit sick:( *sigh* alright, time to get to work..		  
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today i've got a plan...   
06:50am 31/08/2006
 
mood: sleepy
wonderful... i've done terrible everyday this week so far... not to say i haven't tried to be good.. i have, i have...but there's always something that kills it... whether its cori taking me out to lunch... or evening snacks that, for some strange reason, i just can't get enough of.. oh, kill me now! i can already feel myself getting fatter..:(

well, i'm seriously toughening my will today... who says just because i got my man i can let myself go.. no way! so, here is the plan for the day..(oh my gosh, i actually have a plan..!)

brek--lite strawberry-banana yogurt & 1pkg strawberries and cream instant oatmeal--i know the yogurt is 100cal, but i forgot how much the oatmeal is...
snack--green grapes! yum!
lunch--campbells "soup on the go" chicken w/ mini noodles--80cal
snack--more grapes...?
dinner...not so sure yet.. i might just skip dinner altogether, actually..:0
plus, i've got light white cranberry juice and tons of water...

this morning while we were getting ready for work i saw a bag of jerky on the table.. so, even though it isn't mine or cori's, i took a small piece... it was tasty, and i'm sure it wasn't very high in cal, just because most jerky isn't...:)
anyway.. i think i am going to go and do me a little workout in the fitness room.. hopefully that will wake me up, too, because i am D-E-A-D tired...
♥
  
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  shadowe
 
 
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