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[ November 15th, 2009 � 2:45pm ] |
I like Mest lots.
Sometimes listening to the music I loved back then makes me wonder if music journalism isn't worth a shot... but then, I realise that I like being in community way too much.
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[ November 9th, 2009 � 11:55am ] |
I feel like I'm growing up at twice the speed I should be.
I feel like I need to grow up at twice this speed to keep up.
I feel tired.
I feel weighed down by my own pride.
I need to forget me and remember God.
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[ October 18th, 2009 � 8:26am ] |
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Did you hear that? I think I broke.
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[ October 17th, 2009 � 8:05am ] |
Why can't I make anyone happy?
Everytime I do something I seem to disappoint at least one person.
BAH!
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[ October 13th, 2009 � 7:37am ] |
I'm spending today in the church office, hoping to get most of Unite finished. That's a little bit more writing, and a lot of screwing around with layout. It shouldn't be too hard, just tedious and time consuming. If I don't get it done today that'll result in plenty of stress for the rest of the week and while I know this is God's work, I prefer work that involves people and so holiday clubs are my top priority...
I felt broken on Sunday. I was sitting on the same chair for ages, just thinking "where am I going to go?" I waited so long that pretty much everyone left. Last time I did that was Father's Day.
Blehh.
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[ October 7th, 2009 � 1:46pm ] |
Here's the thing - I want to curl up in my bed and not speak to anyone all afternoon.
Except... I don't have a bed to curl up in.
My stuff is moved from Southwell's to auntys, so I can house sit there for the next few weeks. Then... I've got no idea where I'm going.
Lame.
I'm tired.
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[ October 6th, 2009 � 8:41pm ] |
Words tear down a lot.
I need to watch mine.
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[ October 6th, 2009 � 8:31am ] |
I've got no four walls to call my home.
Or own.
But I've still got four walls around me.
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[ October 6th, 2009 � 8:20am ] |
"I've got no four walls to call my own." is running through my head. It's a lyric from a Houston Calls song, and it seems to be taunting me. Black Stump was awesome, but I've got to call it exactly what it was to me - an escape. Coming back helped me realise that nothing was going to change while I was gone. Still the same old stuff. Still the same hurt, except now I've got something to miss where that stuff wasn't present.
Housemate won't talk to me. Well, she will, but not at any sort of length. I don't know what's going on. It confuses me so much because if I did something wrong, I want to fix it. If something is wrong with her, I want to be there for her. But... she wont talk to me long enough for me to find out.
Tomorrow my stuff is being moved to my Aunt's house. I'm house sitting there until the 24th of the month and hopefully at the end of that period somewhere else will have come up for me to stay... and then after that period somewhere else, and then another place and another and another... etc.
Everything feels too temporary at the moment. I slept from about 4 yesterday until 8 this morning because if I'm being honest, I just didn't want to face the awkwardness of what life is at the moment.
Today I've got a few things I need to do, though. And I also suck at segways. Deal with it. Buy phone so I can give other phone back to Mum. Get massage because... my back and neck are hurting more than ever before. Relax. Relax. Relax. Write. Layout. Relax.
I'm ready to get back into work.
I'm not ready to get back into life.
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[ October 1st, 2009 � 9:38pm ] |
Levi's question is bugging me. How can something a three year old says cut so deep?
"Where's your Daddy?" he asks.
"Good question, Levi."
Where's my Daddy?
I've spent a heap of time at the Dirks' lately and when I'm here I feel a lot more comfortable than I do in most other places. It means, though, that I see a whole lot of their family interaction and it's all so loving and I wonder if my family ever had that, and if I'll ever have that. Did my parents ever adore me so much that they had nicknames that I'd want them to stop using once I hit primary school? Were they willing to read a book to me over and over again until I fell asleep? I don't know, but what I do know is that what I see of other families affirms that something was terribly wrong with mine. Or maybe what I've seen lately is the exception.
One of the teenagers that helps out at Warrawong was waiting for her brother to finish up some music stuff, and her Dad had his arm around her as they waited and it was so casual and normal and loving. I can't remember the last time Dad hugged me. Not even a pat on the back.
Tonight I've spent the whole night curled up on the Dirks' couch thinking about Levi's question, and I'm glad that his Daddy is right there for him to say prayers at night and be comforting and fun and do what a Dad is meant to do... but man, I got screwed over.
"Where's your Daddy?"
...I'm not sure.
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[ October 1st, 2009 � 7:16pm ] |
Today Levi asked me something.
"Where's your Daddy?"
I replied... "Good question, Levi."
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[ October 1st, 2009 � 10:02am ] |
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And I'm tired, but home.
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[ September 24th, 2009 � 7:51am ] |
I slept well for once. The sort of sleep that left me feeling rested and like maybe today would be better than yesterday. God blesses me in a lot of ways... and I think last night sleep was something that I needed to have a better day and he gave me the good sleep because he's gracious and merciful.
Not so tired, but not feeling overly prepared to study... I'm spending today in the office doing my Theology essay.
The darkness fell away and it's bright outside and... I guess, that's good. I'll be fine.
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[ September 22nd, 2009 � 10:11am ] |
There are small moments that mean more than entire weeks. They are so simple and seem so insignificant that while you're living them, they don't seem to be anything more than just another moment, but as you look back they are special. They are something that you will hold onto and treasure because in them there was a strange stillness - your heartbeat slows down from the frantic pace it has been at and you get the chance to speak those thoughts that have been trapped away in the shadows for too long.
Yesterday by a half dried up creek I sat on a rock with a friend and we expressed wearyness and loneliness and somewhere in there those feelings weren't as prominent and a strange pang of hope showed up. I'm not sure if she felt it too, but I know it was there. How do I know? A weight was lifted from me. That isn't to say that all my problems disappeared, but a chance to feel understood is rare. I'm getting them a lot lately and sometimes that is all I need.
"You know, I know exactly how you feel." and I knew how she felt and I'm pretty sure there are more people who understand than I think about because it takes a lot to share the things that I don't truly understand myself, the things that are merely feelings that cannot be justified by reason.
Throwing rocks at a tree was how that moment ended. The moment of stillness where bandages were taken off and wounds were exposed ended with giggling and making marks on a tree by throwing rocks at it because put simply, it felt good.
And that moment meant more to me than most of the last week. Maybe they are possible all the more if I'm willing to expose my weakness to those who will not run away from them. Maybe there are those around me who I understand more than they know and all they need is for me to speak the same words of understanding that mean so much to me. Maybe when we fall, we must trust that someone will catch us... and just... let it happen.
There as small moments that mean more than entire weeks.
And I am grateful for all of them.
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[ September 21st, 2009 � 12:52pm ] |
She doesn't fill out forms.
She doesn't answer texts.
She doesn't bother calling.
She... hurt me a lot.
Why do I feel like I should just get over it?
Shut up. Move on.
But, "this is a sucky, sucky situation" and I'm not required to get over it, right?
but I want to.
God loves me, wehey!
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[ September 19th, 2009 � 10:57am ] |
I feel out of place here.
There is a family.
I'm not in it.
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[ September 18th, 2009 � 12:45pm ] |
God is making me into someone different daily. He's changing me and gradually, I'm noticing, but my self perception is still stuck in four years ago.
How does this work?
No idea. But I need to update my self perception and step up...
And you know, getting baptised might be a good idea, too.
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[ September 16th, 2009 � 7:54pm ] |
Today... I feel movement forward.
God, can we not stand still?
Please?
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[ September 15th, 2009 � 11:19pm ] |
Tonight I watched a friend get robbed. And I didn't know what to do. I feel like there was more I could have done... Logically, I can't come up with anything. But I can't shake the feeling.
Man, I messed up. Or didn't I?
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[ September 15th, 2009 � 3:59pm ] |
I'm wondering when my lecturer will notice that no one is paying any attention.
No... nope, not yet.
It's 4pm, dude. We're tired and you don't make sense any other time, so why would you now?
Please, please stop.
Please?
Oh, come on!
Or not.
Long evening ahead.
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[ September 15th, 2009 � 12:18pm ] |
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"I think we should excommunicate people more!"
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[ September 15th, 2009 � 12:01pm ] |
'Eat bacon and worship all your life'
'Jesus is a mushroom'
Ahh, theology.
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[ September 14th, 2009 � 7:02pm ] |
It's a quiet night at college. There's a grad dinner on in Ryde, and most people went to help out there, but I'm barefoot and getting sick so I didn't go. I'm not sad about that at all. It's a night when I get time to myself, and to just sit silently in a room with one or two people who aren't bothered by the silence. I love it.
Tonight, I am determined and tired. I won't be the broken down girl who cannot function because she didn't take care of herself. I will get through this.
Now, a place to live permenantly would be amazing?
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[ September 13th, 2009 � 10:53pm ] |
Today I was sad about the weather.
Why, you ask?
If I screw up, it's a little bit too obvious.
Can I stop being broken yet?
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[ September 13th, 2009 � 2:52pm ] |
Hey there, Hope.
I don't think I see you enough these days, but I guess that comes with the territory... living on Earth and all... You tend to get lost in the crowds, although I'd always imagined you'd be impossible to ignore... like someone wearing a pink tutu at a Taste of Chaos. Maybe not. Maybe I'm too optimistic sometimes.
So, Hope, the whole... family situation... seems to be missing you. Do you think you could visit? Could use your intervention here.
Maybe, maybe, maybe, though, I just need to stop ignoring you.
Sorry, Hope. I guess I'm not great at seeing what's always there.
Sorry for taking you for granted.
Love,
Tamara
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