Carla Gypsygirl's Blurty

Creative mojo

A strange thing: even though I am now working in a job that is less creative, I feel like I am getting more of my creative mojo back. I think it's because I don't feel pressured to be brilliant. It's nice to be secretly creative, and to do some cool things on the side.

Sometimes, when I'm working at my department store, it gets really, really quiet, and I have nothing to do. After I have walked around my department about 5 times, I start to feel a bit silly. So I have begun this new habit, where I draw pictures in a sketchbook. I feel that I have been quite cunning...you see, it LOOKS like I am writing down important work things, when really, I'm not! My latest favourite way to draw pictures is to do a scribble without looking at the page. Then, I see what sort of shapes and figures I can spot within the scribble. It's sort of like playing Mr Squiggle with yourself, or like spotting shapes in the clouds. I enjoy the process of discovery, and imagining new creatures and adventures. Sometimes, starting from scratch can be intimidating. One of the best pieces of advice I was given while I was at uni was this: try not to start with a blank page. Drop a blob of ink on the page, scratch the paper with a pin, scrunch the paper up...do SOMETHING to give the page more depth and interest.

Ever since I finished uni (almost 3 years ago now- argh!), I have felt burnt out in terms of my creativity. There was so much pressure back then...I felt like I had to "make it" as an illustrator. My teachers told me that I needed to draw pictures EVERY DAY. There have been many times in the past 3 years where I have declared, "Guess what? I've started drawing again!" Sometimes, I hold a pencil in my hand, stare at blank pages and panic. It's terrifying to start things again. I think that I needed to let go of what I knew, and who I was as an illustrator, and start all over again.

Sometimes, I really do feel like I have started from the beginning. Just like when I was 18, I am working in a department store again. I am reading a lot of the same books. I have the same insecurities, and the same fears. Maybe I'm the same person, but just with new experiences and new knowledge. I have new hopes, and I hope for different things these days. I don't hope as much for success and fame; I hope for creative fulfilment and the chance to feel good about what I do. Whatever it is, I know that I am happier. I feel brave. I think that sometimes, you need to completely quit something before you can begin again. You need to let go, free-fall, dive in. It's refreshing to do one thing that I have always been familiar with: change.