| 8:20a |
When things go crazy
Oh kind and loyal readers, I know, I know, I have been neglecting you dreadfully again. I'm sorry. Thank you for continuing to flick over to my site when you should be working or doing uni work...it means a lot to me, and I think about you all a lot. Really, I do!
Today's entry takes a bit of a serious note. When was thinking about starting a blog, I set out a lot of things that I would and wouldn't ever do. And I wrote them all down. And one of these things that I told myself I would always do was tell the truth. So that is what I am going to write about today.
Since the end of last year, I noticed a disturbing change in myself: I started to be a little less truthful about things. I wasn't outright lying about things (eg. "Oh yeah, last weekend I totally went to Africa and rode on elephants while eating coconut ice-cream"), but at the same time, I wouldn't call myself an open book. You see, naturally, I am a very open person. And if you ask me how I am, then I will try to tell the truth. But the year of 2004 featured quite a bit of hardship for me- I wasn't really earning a proper income, I had encountered a few dangerous boys, I didn't have a regular church...generally, I felt quite confused and uncertain. And because I felt so yucky, I kept seeking the friendship and support of my friends. Which, of course, is totally what you should do when you feel sad and disheartened- the Bible says, "An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up." (Proverbs 12:25)
But this year, I decided that things were going to be different. I decided that it was time for the miserable Carla with problems to go. And I do think that it is a good thing to look on the bright side of life. But to be this person with no problems, I started to do something very sad. I started to pretend that everything was okay. And the truth was, everything wasn't okay. I was finding it really hard to adjust to the travelling and workload and personalities that are involved in a full-time work; I was finding it hard to leave all my friends at church to move on to another one; I was (and am still!) in love, and learning how to love and take care of another person. My life wasn't totally yucky and hard- in fact, it was very, very good. But I was finding certain parts of my life kinda tricky. I really needed my friends and their support and counsel, but instead, I put on a smiley face and pretended that I was coping with everything, and that I was having heaps of fun.
Jesus said that "The truth will set you free" (John 8:32), and the more I grow in life, the more I learn that that is true. I felt trapped by my dishonesty. I didn't feel real. I felt like I couldn't connect with other people, because I couldn't tell them how I truly felt, and they didn't know what was really happening in my life. I learnt an important lesson: that if you stumble and people don't see you fall, it doesn't make the fall any less painful. And most importantly of all, I learnt how wonderful it was to open up to God and tell Him how I REALLY felt- how I was sad and confused and tired, and also how I was struggling with being truthful.
We all need our friends and family and loved ones. I have a wonderful friend called Naomi who is so open with everyone. She's told me truths about herself that are silly (like boys she used to like), and truths about herself that are incredibly personal and deep. And the thing is, I love her and trust her more for her truthfulness and raw honesty.
So it's interesting...no massive event has occurred in my own little life to make me stop and reconsider things. Instead, lots of little thoughts and actions became combined to make me rethink how I live my life. The main lesson I learnt out of this experience was that I needed to be real. I didn't see myself as an interesting or encouraging person when I wasn't telling the truth about my feelings. I felt cold and fake and hypocritical. I realised that I would prefer to be vulnerable and honest in the way I live my life.
I also have a confession to make about my past entries in this journal. They are all true- I really was having fun during the times that I wrote about. But I did conceal other parts of my life, and I didn't write about a lot of my feelings and struggles. When I started writing this journal, I also promised myself that I wanted my readers to know that I was a real person. I wanted people who read my journal to know that I wasn't always super-happy, and that I don't always write poetry- that sometimes I struggle and hurt, and that sometimes maybe my writing isn't totally crash hot. But pain, struggle, joy and love are all equally part of the life experience that God gives me.
I hope that you have been encouraged to be more real, honest and truthful. A truthful attitude is something that lasts a lifetime, and encourages and nourishes others in ways that are beautiful and uplifting, and also in ways you may never imagine or know. |