| 1:26p |
March Forth!
Today, I found myself sneaking looks at the LiveJournal of this girl in Italy while I was trying to finish off design work. Scott gave me the address- I wonder how he found her? I should ask him. Anyway, her site is really cool- she's a very prolific artist, and takes a lot of self-portraits. Looking at her site reminded me again that I have not been as creative as usual for a long, long time. Like, I used to draw little pictures about how I felt all the time. I used to also make up stories about characters and illustrate them, or draw a picture that was inspired by the line of a song or part of a movie or a new skirt. I used to take photos all the time, and I used to keep a sketchbook. I used to start making sculptures if I felt like it. I don't do those things anymore. I think that I stopped being super-creative around this time last year, when I started fourth year uni. Even before that it was waning- I started to force myself to do stuff when I was going through all of that tough life stuff in the beginning of third year. Since I finished uni, I haven't drawn pictures, taken photographs or designed anything for myself. I only do things for clients these days. The only creative thing that I do that I actually feel a desire to do is write. I don't write fiction, though. I just write in here, and in my journal at home. I also write song lyrics and the occasional complete song (ie. song lyrics with chords!). These observations regarding my creativity might sound very sad to you, but I actually feel quite good about it. I mean, I really, truly miss illustrating...actually, I think it's the desire itself to illustrate that I miss the most. I miss being interested in the funny, sweet and intensely beautiful parts of life. But the reason why I feel good about not being so creative is that I know that I have to take a break. I'm really exhausted from everything that I learnt at uni. It was a wonderful time, but also very hectic. I don't want to start drawing things for myself again until I actually WANT to do it. And I haven't wanted to do it for ages. I mean, I've thought, "Wouldn't it be nice to sit down and draw something right now? Wouldn't it be great to get back into the zone?" But I know that I will just feel trapped and annoyed once I sit down to start drawing. I must wait until I feel freedom, liberation and joy when I draw. I want my art to have truth within it, and it isn't going to have truth in it if I don't want to do it.
I do notice, though, that more and more, I am engaging with life again. I noticed this schoolboy on the bus the other night. He must have been about fifteen or something, and he was completely engrossed in something he was writing in an exercise book. He would write and write and write, with his head bent over his book. I liked watching him write, because he was so enthusiastic about it. You don't often see people on public transport enthusiastic about anything. I also stopped walking on my way home on Monday night and just stood there, sniffing the air, because it had the fizzy smell of camellia flowers. It was quite a delicious mystery, because I don't think camellia trees bloom until the end of winter.
And behold: the summary of the season!
SUMMER 2003/2004
*Being serious about a summer wardrobe this time around, and not just hacking into a lot of my old clothes *Spontaneously going on Beachmission *Russell the sidekick! *Everyone thinking that Russell is my boyfriend (it's still going!) *The same music, over and over again...I killed all of my CDs during the major project *Freaking out about not having a job and not having money *God providing not only a job and money, but also words of comfort in the Bible and lovely people who reassured me and prayed for me *My rainbow racer-back tank top *The cheerleader look *"Stargirl", by Jerry Spinelli *Anything coconut scented *My imaginary boyfriend coming back with a hit single (go Craig!) *Hanging out with people and actually enjoying myself *Fluctuating between being really busy and being really bored *Grace Bros turning into Myer, and all of the customers freaking out *Friends who got married: 3 *Friends engaged: 0 *Boys I really, really liked: 3 *Boyfriends: 0 *Frangelico and lemonade- my Friday night drink! *Loving Maree, and then having her leave for London *The rock chick look just won't die! *Wearing my contacts *Learning to drive! Hurrah! *"Olivia Joules and the Overactive Imagination", by Helen Fielding (no, Sonya, it ISN'T trashy!) *Another new church! *Being FEVA's secret agent *Realising that I have my own design and illustration business *The Marian Street Theatre for Young People *Growing a lot as a Christian *Going to a Bible study for the first time in about a year with the folk from my new church *Having everyone ask me what I've been up to, and forgetting to tell them about the circus *Turning 22, and loving it *Not drawing anything for myself the whole summer *Getting sunburnt for the first time at Jen's wedding *All of the furniture in my room falling apart *My hot pink Cons fading to a babyish pink *Turning down jobs because of my superhero mentality- I have to use my powers for good and not evil *Being sleepy every Sunday morning with Meg *Realising that I am very much like Wendy from "Peter Pan", in that I always seem to be looking after boys *Being better pals with Nate and Jono *Not eating as much ice-cream as I do during Winter or Spring *My sleeping patterns being just terrible *The Anti-Zone Diet *Visiting The Lakes *I just can't seem to stop wearing denim skirts! *Frangipanis, of course *Going for energetic walks in the morning...well, about four times, anyway *Being offered the weirdest jobs, like working for this fairy man at the markets, or doing office work for a dating agency (AS IF!) *Anything stripey or spotty *Flicking my hair out with Sonya's curling iron, Josie style *Shimmery pink blusher *Becoming interested in life again |