OH MY GOD! I AM SOOOOOOO HOPELESS   
12:48am 10/03/2004
 
mood: frustrated
music: Sick of this by Stylus
Seriously, wtf am i doing wrong? Somebody? anybody?
Is there a lj cuts for dummies?
 
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Another boring update about my dull life   
12:22am 10/03/2004
 
mood: cranky
music: Everywhere by Stylus
So what it's been like a month or something since i updated. I must be such a lazy sack of shit, i updates my writing journal more than this and typing is a hell of a lot easier than writing, well it's easier to read anyway. I'm gonna attempt an lj cut soon.
I went home this weekend just gone and had my final fitting to my wedding dress. I have lost three inches since my last fiting in Feb. Whoopee shit. Three inches, that's a noticeable difference. 300 inches maybe then will be noticeable.
So I went to Aleisha's wedding on Saturday, she looked soooooo beautiful (i will look like a blimp compared to her), she was a stunning bride and her wedding was so awesome. Mine is going to be a JOKE. Mum told me not long ago that I'm not really a bride. Correct me if i am wrong but isn't a bride someone who is getting married? No wonder i am so messed up all i want to do is be normal..
Anyway, back to the wedding of the century, it rocked. Caught up with all the old clubbing buddies and got on really well. Got totally slaughtered, so shitfaced, it was great. Me and Dad had an awesome chat, we talked like never before. Don't get me wrong Dad nad i get on awesome but we don't really open up but we did on Saturday. He was mullocked as well. We danced together he said i'm a fab little dancer. Awesome awesome night.
Hungover as shit on Sunday, why do i get hangovers, everyone else can drink like fish and not get sick but useless me gets fucked up for like three days afterwards.

So anyway lets try this lj cut thingy majiggy.
The beautiful Bride>C:\Documents and settings\owner\desktop\digi cam pics\Aleisha's Wedding
 
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10:46pm 03/01/2004
 
mood: content
music: The Subway Ad on TV
I feel kind astink now after reading my last entry but shit happens. I am feeling ok, the sun is out and summer is really here - i love it! I look like a lobster but its all good.
It's three months today until i get married! Can you believe it? I still have a bit to organise but it's under control.

New Years was very quiet, Nick and i made a pact never to work New Years again. It has been four years since we celebrated New Years, so even though i think it is totally overated we will party up next year.

I will post more later, i just thought it was about time to post something relatively normal.
 
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I'm in a bad fucken mood   
02:18pm 22/12/2003
 
mood: bitchy
music: Sugar Sugar - Babybash
What the fuck is the fucken point of the fucken internet when i can't even use it? It keeps coming up Page cannot be displayed. I might do that when it comes time to pay the friggin bill "Cheque cannot be diplayed" I don't see why i should pay for something i can use once a week if i am lucky. Fuck living in the middle of nowhere. I wish i brought the computer to the job interview and plugged it in before we accepted the job. Anyway, Nick has told the boss we are moving in June. AGAIN! I AM SICK OF FUCKING MOVING. Anyone want any advice on moving? I am the fucken queen of it. I told Nick if we move again, this is the last time i move. If he wants to move again he will be going on his own. I can see our marriage lasting all of six months.

Christmas in a few days - yippee fucken skippy. The parents aren't coming up for it and we are working Xmas day so we can't go down there for it. Mum said to me "it's ok, we can have Chrstmas when you come home in February" What is the fucken point in that? I told her not to bother. Another thing. Guess when fucken pay day is? BOXING DAY! What is the point in that? I may as well tell the boss not to bother paying us. Stupid fuckwit, he does everything in his power to make life difficult for us.

Sorry to everyone who reads this but there really is no point to an online journal if i can't say what i want iin it. Maybe tomorrow will be worth getting out of bed for.
 
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09:25am 22/11/2003
 
music: Behind Blue Eyes - Limp Bizkit
I am a mess right now. Well, thats nothing new. I am so ....numb. There is this drama with my Mum, i am not going into it because it makes me really angry, maybe i will another time. I feel i should tell her to grow up and start acting her age but a part of me wants her to be happy and she is at the moment and who am i to take away her happiness. Im starting to get grumpy again so i will shut up.

We had another bloody virus, even though my anti virus program is up to date. Fucking losers that have nothing better to do than fuck with other peoples computers. The virus has gone now but i am ssuming there will be another one soon.

Kelly's baby is due in four weeks, i really miss her but she promised we would keep in touch and we have but its still hard going from seeing her every week at least once to seeing her once every three or four months. They miht have a job lined up for us next season, but that means moving all the way down there again and it cost a shit load. But will it work out - working for our mates?

Wedding plans are going really well, i was getting really stressed about it and have been putting off thinking about it, but i had a big chat to Lorraine and we made sense of everything. We have designed my dress and its going to be so awesome. Its going to be simple but elegant. Nick is even helping with the plans. Julie had a cunt of a time trying to get Rob to organise his tux. I am really lucky to have Nick.
 
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11:00am 06/11/2003
 
mood: creative
music: Shutup - Black Eyed Peas
Hey
I need one liners to use on a cross stitch (yes, i am a geek!) for my friend's wedding. Something to do with love and forever and fate etc. I have a couple but they are too long. Any help greatly appreciated
 
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Everything and Nothing   
11:50am 28/10/2003
 
mood: confused
music: Numb - Linkin Park
I watched "2 Fast 2 Furious" on DVD the other night and i was really disappointed with it. Sure the cars are nice but the acting was second rate and i felt it wasn't based on the cars this time. I had heard mixed reviews from the other Chicks in Girlspeed but thought i should see it for myself. Nick loved it but i think the first one was soooo much better. I think Vin Diesel not being in it was a huge let down too =)

I have been really emotional the last few days, not sure why, i was walking home from work yesterday and i just started crying and last night when i was emailing my friend. I think it's probably because i have only been back here a week and home, family and friends are still fresh in my mind. Nick and i talked last night about moving back home and hell yeah i want to, but, all the fuss i made about moving here and being independent makes me feel as though i have failed. I hate failing, maybe i am having a bad day. Nick asked me today why i am so grumpy all the time. He says lately i am either grumpy or sad. I told him it was everything and nothing. Everything seems to be messing me up and its nothing major. Does that even make sense?

On the bright side. Evanesence are coming to NZ in January. HELL YES, i am so there!
 
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03:58pm 21/10/2003
 
mood: cranky
music: Swing Swing - All American Rejects
Well, i'm back and my trip hme is just a distant memory! It was eventful i give it that much. Kelly wanted the female puppy and we were going to drop it off to her but we barely got to the end of our road and the dog started heaving. I have a $25,000 car and i am not having dog spew all through it for six hours, so we turned around and brought the dog back home. On our way again, had trea and blah blah, we swapped the driving every half hour because we were so tired and at midnight we were 20km from Palmy and the car died. Just totally died - BITCH! So i rang AAA and they towed us and dropped us at my parents place, got to sleep at 2.30am.

Woke up at 7.00am and got ready to have a girls day with Aleisha, we went shopping and did what girls do best - spend money, while we were out i got a call on my mobile and it is going to cost $500 to fix the car. So i immediately began to regret my shopping therapy. To cut a long story short, the car got fixed, i caught up with all my mates and family, had a great time, didn't want to come home but did on Sunday and i am now back to the same old routine. Up at 4.30 every morning to go to work. I now know why i work - to keep my car running! Don't get me wrong, i love my car but i had great plans for that money!!
 
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06:00pm 04/10/2003
 
mood: exhausted
music: Someday - Nickleback
Lorraine and my Girls Night was a bit of a non event. I went over and she was like hell depressed, we had a good chat and she felt a bit better, must be hard having to raise three kids on your own while your man is galavanting round the countryside. I am working this weekend, just me and the boss - scary! I don't get a day off until the 12th, but the money will be worth it. I smell a shopping spree coming on.

Aleisha emailed me yesterday and we were talking about the old days and she mentioned how she knows me so well. She's lucky - i don't even know myself that well. I know i have changed since we were friends three years ago, but, its nice that someone is that cares and especially after all the shit her and i went through, the assult and everything.

So daylight saving starts tonight. An hour less sleep for me. At least it won't get dark till late. Woot woot - summer is a coming!

Only two weeks until i go home for the weekend. Hardly seems worth going all that way for three days, but i don't care. I haven't seen my family or mates since July and i miss them heeeeeaps. I am totally booked out while i am there and i haven't even got there yet. At least my journal enteries will be more exciting once i have been home.
 
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I need something else   
09:03pm 24/09/2003
 
mood: discontent
music: The leaving song - AFI
I am feeling.... empty. I am feeling like a recluse, really, i need to get out and do something, like join a dance class or something or a hobby or something. I hate the word hobby, it reminds me of stamp collecting! Do people still do that? I'm not sure what i just need to get out of the house and meet more people. Its all well and good saying this now, but when it actually comes down to doing it i am quite shy.

Lorraine and i are having a Girls Night tomorrow night, gonna drink lots of wine and gossip!

Oh i heard AFI for the first time today, i downloaded it from KaZaA, and it rocks! Well, the three songs i downloaded rocked! Still love Good Charlotte though, mmmmm Benji!
 
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02:12pm 23/09/2003
 
mood: mischievous
music: shake ya tailfeather - Nelly & P Diddy
I am a bit pissed off, well, alot pissed off really. Rachel gets paid $50 per milking - thats $100 per day. Most normal bosses pay between $30 - $50. My boss pays me for 2 hours work. $20! what is the point in getting outta bed for $20 lousy dollars! And i have never done a milking that is over in two hours. I worked six hours on Saturday and will probably still only get $20. I am keeping record of my hours and if i still only get piss poor pay i am gonna tell him to find some other lunatic who will get up at 5am for 20 bucks.
I am sorry if i sound money hungry, but i am! I have bills to pay, animals to feed and a social life. GGGGRRRRR

So anyway, that aside, everything is ok. Nick and i are having debates about which puppy we will keep. He wants to keep the ugly, brainy one. I want to keep Bruce (named him already)he's roly poly and a bit of a dopey bugger but he is so cute and really fluffy. Nick will win out on this one because to him, an intelligent dog is everything. I want one who is going to play and do cute things. But i am ALWAYS wrong so what do i know. I have been having naughty dreams about Craig - i can't help it, its his fault he is so hott. I think i might try and seduce him, maybe then these thoughts and dreams will stop once i have gotten what i want.
 
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01:49pm 17/09/2003
 
mood: content
music: none.
I have been messing around on the net and thought i should update. I recently signed onto ICQ, i always wanted to but Dad would never let me "put that rubbish on his computer" so i have my own now and I did it. This guy on there keep messaging me whenever i am on there. He always talks about how his ex messed him around and how he needs to find a girl who will treat him right. He's like a broken fucken record. I am engaged for god's sake and he knows it. He reckons he likes talking to me because we both like cars. I wouldn't know if he did because all he ever talks about is his ex.

Anyway, i am thinking about going back to Nursing, you know, finish my degree and do something with my life. Well, i am doing something now, milking cows - some days i love it and when it rains i still do it and question my sanity at the same time. My agriculture course starts on the 10th of october, i guess i am still going to do it? Haven't given it alot of thought. I guess it is a qualification and the is only class once a fortnight and i will meet more crazy people like myself.

Its so damn windy today, my laundry is blowing all round the yard so i'll get that before i get the moo's in. I really can't wait to go home in three weeks, i miss my friends and family so much. I haven't seen them since July. Everyone emails me all the time but its not the same as actually hanging out. Aleisha and i are going shopping for wedding dresses and bridesmaids dresses for her and Kelly. I don't know what i want, nothing to frilly and pansy - like. I don't want to look like a bloody marshmellow.

Anyway, enough blabbering for now.
 
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12:11pm 28/08/2003
 
mood: cynical
music: Going under - Evanescence
I haven't updated for ages, just been caught up in the usual bullshit of my life. Its my birthday tomorrow and everyone is making the biggest fuss and getting all hyper and shit, its almost like i have never had a birthday before. I don't care, it's just another crappy year in this crappy country (it's not that bad, its just my mood), i just don't understand all the fuss.
So Mum is flying up tonight, im meeting her in Auckland after work and she's staying for ? can't remember.
There was a huge power cut before - right as i was going to come on and update and now i have forgotten what i was going to write. Can't have been very important. Maybe tomorrow will be worth getting out of bed for.
 
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09:44pm 08/08/2003
 
mood: sleepy
music: Are you happy now _ Michelle Branch
I am so tired. I feel like i can't relax - there aren't enough hours in a day. It comes from living on a farm - look out the window - there's work. Window is open - hear work. There's no escape. I just wanna relax. Im going to bed soon but i have to be up at 4am so im still only gonna get six hours sleep before it starts all over again.

Nick and I are in the throes of organising our wedding - it's going to be small due to all the feuding relatives (don't want none of that shit at my wedding) and its not going to be in a boring church in a huge marshmellow dress. We are gonna do it our way - how? Well, we aren't too sure but it will see us married anyway. Bout time after 5 years on and off.
 
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09:28pm 07/08/2003
  Grrr Claire is texting Nick. I hate it when she texts him. She says i am her friend so why does she text my boyfriend and not me? Mike gets shitty when she texts Nick so he can't be there. I don't know why it bothers me so much. I think i just feel left out. She says she misses us... Yeah,,, she misses Nick. I know she thinks he's hot because her and i talked about it. I had to lie and say i thought Mike was hot. I think he's a creep but a nice enough guy and really funny but as for being attractive - no way  
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03:55pm 07/08/2003
 
mood: cheerful
music: Ain't it funny - By J Lo
Aleisha rang me again this afternoon. She is the only one of my friends, bar Kelly that has rung me while i have been living up here. It perks me up when she rings. We used to be best friends and then that big falling out occured and i punched her head in... i can't believe after all the bad times we can go back to being best of friends again. It dawns on me now, i have her back in my life, how much i really missed her. She brought up a valid point. Not only are we friends - in March when she marries Lee, we will be cousins too. I am so pleased i bit the bullet in April? and went and apologised but she made the most effort by wanting to see me when i went home for that weekend. That was the turning point in our friendship. I guess this is one friendship that is meant to be...
 
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02:33pm 05/08/2003
 
mood: blank
music: Adidas - koRn
I am trying to change my layout and i can't *stomps feet* i must be so dumb!!! i'm bored with it and want something different but i don't even know what. My cat is sick. She keeps like throwing up but nothing comes up. I rang the vet and he said it could be lung worm - that doesn't sound good! He said if she gets a discharge in her eyes,ears or mouth take her in to see him. She seems ok at the moment stretched out in the sun. Its just a bit of a worry when animals get sick. I was late for work again this morning - third morning in row - my bad! Boss didn't say anything about it though.

Craig - Man - he is a God!! He raised his eyebrows at me yesterday, big deal but he looked so damn sexy when he did it. I would love to know what he thinks of me. I think this fantasy is so entertaining cos its like a forbidden lust thing. Mind you so was Tristan but he wasn't that hard to get after all. I had a dream about him last night but im not going to start this again. I have to forget him i have to move on. I have a different life now and he's not in it. I live 6 hours away from him now and thats the best thing.... i think.
 
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My daily rant   
11:26pm 01/08/2003
 
mood: high
music: the sound of my cat throwing up!!!!!
Its my weekend off and i don't know what to do with myself while i'm not working. I am so kool. It's friday night so i got a couple of dvds out. I finally watched 8 Mile. bloody awesome movie, and shit, he is so fucken hott! And that ass! phew!! ..... ok, im ok now.

Anyway, on the subject of hot! Craig, i have been working with him since june and i have suddenly started noticing that he has the sexiest eyes. "Cum fuck me" eyes to be exact. Problem - i have a boyfriend and a bigger problem - he's married. I don't know if he likes me or just sees me as some dum kid. He's 34 and i'm 23 so yeah i'm probably just thinks im a little dork. I am really good friends with his wife Lorraine. She told me Craig said my hair looks really good. (i just touched up the regrowth so it's all blonde not technicoloured.) My god! i sound like an obssesed school girl. I know nothing can happen and i wouldn't do that to a friend but hey i can dream!

My cat just chucked up all over the floor so i should go clean up and then i mite watch 8 mile again *drools*. Man!!! i am obsessed!
 
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05:28pm 20/06/2003
  Haven't written for awhile but i have been around as always. Shane and Kel came they got lost! my house is like the easiest house to find...except in the dark. So they stayed the night. Its weird but, Shane is different since he got married. He used to be so easy going and chatty and him and i used to talk for hours but he seems more highly strung now. Im not blaming Kel she is very quiet and I don't know her that well. She is one of those people that you feel you HAVE to talk to just becuase the silences are so uncomfortable. Her and i have nothing in common but it doesn't mean i don't like her. I know people change but i had more of a connection with the old Shane. Maybe thats why i was dreading them coming - perhaps it was like a premonition?

Ok well, i am alive and breathing and feeling slightly more.... um i guess i could even be happy. I'm not angry at everything and don't feel like crying at the drop of a hat. I better go before i do find something to get pissed off about
 
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12:13am 14/06/2003
 
mood: lethargic
music: life goes on by Leann rimes
i was mad a an injured snake earlier on today but im ok now. I'm just blah now, tired i guess, thinking too much and yeah. My mates i haven't seen for ages are coming over for the day / nite tomorrow and it sounds awful but im dreading it. I haven't seen them since the end of January but i can't be bothered. I guess its just a lack of motivation thing and I'll probably update this and say how it wasn't so bad after all.

Thats one thing i have learned from being up here. To make every day count. I try to do one thing to make my day more interesting or to make me feel as though i am destined for this earth, though more often than not i don't feel like i belong here.

Very philosohical thoughts tonight! thats a change from the psychopathic ranting that usually erupts from my mind.
 
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