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mood |
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jumpy, emotional, confused |
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he showed me his arm today at school. i got all emotional and shit. i left and hid in that one hallway back by the boiler room or whatever. i fucking cried, okay? i fucking cried. i know it's because of me. i know its my fault. i guess having that type of thing hanging over my head, it pushed me over the edge. he did it because of me and like me.
i got a call from geno today. it was really weird. i mean, its not every day you get a long distance call from a-go-go-land or wherever it was he moved. i miss him. i guess you never know how much you miss some one until their gone.
i don't miss chelsea, though. she has a new stick up her ass, a second hand one by the sounds of things. she hates me because i hang out with olga. funny thing; every conversation with her is about how much she hates someone. she focuses on the negatives in life, never the positives- just like me.
i know i've been bitching about lee all day. i don't know what to do. i'd feel bad, when it came to carson. but i haven't felt this way in so long. i know it can never be, because i'm not asian. and because of fucking reputations. my school is just the biggest labeling hole. everyone is something. any one who isn't is a reject. then people complicated it more so by saying shit a long the lines of, people can't date or befriend out of rank. it's like the fucking army- i hate it.
my razor blade isn't behind the picture frame any more.. i needed it closer. so i stuck in that innocent looking box near my bed. i've turned to it lately, more than anything else; even venting doesn't work. i'm sorry to all of those who i vent, unsucessfully, to.
lee made a dumb move today. he wore a short sleaved shirt. i'm sorry, but you don't do that. amateur.
heather and i got into a mini-fight. i was getting a ride home from this fucking hot junior and heather grabbed my bag and pulled. she said i promised to walk with her. i told her she was fucking immature and went to get into the car when she grabbed my fucking bag strap and pulled hard. i only had like six fucking text books in there! so of course i fell backwards. my head slammed and bounced off the sidewalk. it was a really weird sensation.. it's the feeling i get most every fucking day. i got up and even though my vision was fucked i swung at her and punched her right in the face. i heard and felt her nose crack. she had a nose bleed and grabbed my hair. she tried to turn it into a fucking cat fight. i hate her.
this weekend will be great.. olga and i are spending all of saterday at the skate park, searching for damien of course. who else? then saturday night we're watching the whole last season of viva la bam. she taped it. then sunday we're dying our hair. then we're spending like, the whole day at the mall. oi, girly weekend.
on another weekend note, i'm getting a kitten from michelle.
my tech teacher thinks we're insane now. olga and i spent the whole period with my hair in a high ponytail, head on the table, and her coloring the tips of my hair with a sharpie while we talked about canoeing all the way to pennsylvania. must have been quite interesting for everyone else. i love that class. i hate it so much, that i love it. we get away with not doing any work. he's gotten used to us by now. today everything went dead silent. i couldn't stand it, since i'm usually the load one, so i grabbed three of the text books and slammed them down. a few people jumped and everyone else was busting up. the teacher just gave me that "grr on you" look. grr on him. fucking mexicans.
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