the wheels on the bus...'s Journal

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

6:40PM

so i'm feeling a little more lively nowadays...i think going to europe has had an amazing effect on me...i spent all of the semester just working and it was nice to just let go for a little while...i now feel like i can let go here too...usually i'm too tired or too busy but this time around i encouraged the BU crew to come over...it was great to have company...i missed hoyte...he didn't come but he did call me to tell me that he couldnt make it...it was nice to hear from him in any case...so dave and i had this little thing going on...it was just flirting...nothing major...but its exciting...to have someone think you're attractive...dont get me wrong here...i know he's not for me...but he is cute =D and its fun...we drank and smoked together....it was fun...

Current mood: giddy
Current music: modest mouse
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Friday, February 25, 2005

1:48PM

so this journal tends to be about slightly more private issues so i may as well put my thoughts on...electronic paper....

i've said it over and over again...i can't stop thinking about aaron...its bizzare...i have no idea why i'm doing this...i know that we're not meant to be together...i know that we'll probably never talk again...but he's still in my thoughts almost every day...i feel so guilty because i love manny and i know we're going to be together forever...it took my a long time to figure that out, but i've finally settled down and just accepted it...he's my first and only real love...so thats why i can't understand why aaron just wont go away...

so we dug each other...so what...why can't i just let it go...i do tend to be attracted to slightly more mature older men...and he def fit that...i just dont know...its not like i'd attempt to be with him...so then why wont he just go away...i guess i'm just annoyed that its taking this long to just get over it...but i suppose writing about it wont hurt

Current mood: frustrated
Current music: staind
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Friday, February 11, 2005

10:50AM

yeah so i passed out at 7 last night and i had a hard time waking up at 10 am this morning...i just can't get enough sleep ever...anyway...i had such a mess of dreams...they were so vivid...it was so emotionally real...

so it starts off with me going to a dance or something with another guy...he looked like that kid that rory is trying to hook up with on the gilmore girls...and of course i lie about it to manny...while at the dance i try to break it off with him because manny and i are practically married...and i remember giving him a hug...then trying to leave...but i find him again and give him another hug and a kiss...it was so hard for me to leave him...finally i gave him one last kiss and we looked at each other like we were making the biggest mistake ever...then all of a sudden its aarons' birthday and he wants to hang out with me for the day...as he drops me off at home manny is there waiting...he asks me if there is anything going on and i say no...

so other random dreams include my mother going to portugal......me going to a store and finding a bunch of persian cats....i apparently want a blonde blue eyed cat...but they dont have it....ross insists on keeping bbq sauce and salt and pepper on the space heater...theres a mess...he and chris pull a tv and some video game system into my room...the game has to do with skiing...i get bored and i tell them that the nintendo versian is better...so they pull out just that....then there was something about switching banks because theres no fee for checking....and they give u the playboy channel...so i switch and the boys are trying to watch the introductory dvd for the channel, hoping to see something interesting...then theres something about railroads and there being two kids living underneath them....and then i was a cheriff making sure that those kids were in jail...then i dreampt about trying to find a T to go home...and i just could never catch one...the only way to get to a stop that had trains passing by all the time was to go through this creepy old lady's yard, but it was like she was watching for u...every time u attempting to go through her yard really quick she was there...and she made u do something creepy in order to get through...so i find a stop and there are these girls also going home....they invite me to denny's for a snack and i end up ordering a ton of food...apparently there, chicken came with a strawberry sauce and cream cheese...i got that w/ out the sauce...mashed potatoes and tater tots....and they gave me icecream for no reason...then there was a dream about me shopping at walmart and i was making a mouse trap with items in the store...i had to be sneaky because i wasnt buying any of the items...and i remember smelling all of the designer perfumes they had...and a worker kid got really pissed off at cow, who was with me...it had something to do with computers and ink...no idea...anyway...thats all i can remember...

i'm such a weirdo

interpretations anyone?

Current mood: weird
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10:50AM

yeah so i passed out at 7 last night and i had a hard time waking up at 10 am this morning...i just can't get enough sleep ever...anyway...i had such a mess of dreams...they were so vivid...it was so emotionally real...

so it starts off with me going to a dance or something with another guy...he looked like that kid that rory is trying to hook up with on the gilmore girls...and of course i lie about it to manny...while at the dance i try to break it off with him because manny and i are practically married...and i remember giving him a hug...then trying to leave...but i find him again and give him another hug and a kiss...it was so hard for me to leave him...finally i gave him one last kiss and we looked at each other like we were making the biggest mistake ever...then all of a sudden its aarons' birthday and he wants to hang out with me for the day...as he drops me off at home manny is there waiting...he asks me if there is anything going on and i say no...

so other random dreams include my mother going to portugal......me going to a store and finding a bunch of persian cats....i apparently want a blonde blue eyed cat...but they dont have it....ross insists on keeping bbq sauce and salt and pepper on the space heater...theres a mess...he and chris pull a tv and some video game system into my room...the game has to do with skiing...i get bored and i tell them that the nintendo versian is better...so they pull out just that....then there was something about switching banks because theres no fee for checking....and they give u the playboy channel...so i switch and the boys are trying to watch the introductory dvd for the channel, hoping to see something interesting...then theres something about railroads and there being two kids living underneath them....and then i was a cheriff making sure that those kids were in jail...then i dreampt about trying to find a T to go home...and i just could never catch one...the only way to get to a stop that had trains passing by all the time was to go through this creepy old lady's yard, but it was like she was watching for u...every time u attempting to go through her yard really quick she was there...and she made u do something creepy in order to get through...so i find a stop and there are these girls also going home....they invite me to denny's for a snack and i end up ordering a ton of food...apparently there, chicken came with a strawberry sauce and cream cheese...i got that w/ out the sauce...mashed potatoes and tater tots....and they gave me icecream for no reason...then there was a dream about me shopping at walmart and i was making a mouse trap with items in the store...i had to be sneaky because i wasnt buying any of the items...and i remember smelling all of the designer perfumes they had...and a worker kid got really pissed off at cow, who was with me...it had something to do with computers and ink...no idea...anyway...thats all i can remember...

i'm such a weirdo

interpretations anyone?

Current mood: weird
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10:50AM

yeah so i passed out at 7 last night and i had a hard time waking up at 10 am this morning...i just can't get enough sleep ever...anyway...i had such a mess of dreams...they were so vivid...it was so emotionally real...

so it starts off with me going to a dance or something with another guy...he looked like that kid that rory is trying to hook up with on the gilmore girls...and of course i lie about it to manny...while at the dance i try to break it off with him because manny and i are practically married...and i remember giving him a hug...then trying to leave...but i find him again and give him another hug and a kiss...it was so hard for me to leave him...finally i gave him one last kiss and we looked at each other like we were making the biggest mistake ever...then all of a sudden its aarons' birthday and he wants to hang out with me for the day...as he drops me off at home manny is there waiting...he asks me if there is anything going on and i say no...

so other random dreams include my mother going to portugal......me going to a store and finding a bunch of persian cats....i apparently want a blonde blue eyed cat...but they dont have it....ross insists on keeping bbq sauce and salt and pepper on the space heater...theres a mess...he and chris pull a tv and some video game system into my room...the game has to do with skiing...i get bored and i tell them that the nintendo versian is better...so they pull out just that....then there was something about switching banks because theres no fee for checking....and they give u the playboy channel...so i switch and the boys are trying to watch the introductory dvd for the channel, hoping to see something interesting...then theres something about railroads and there being two kids living underneath them....and then i was a cheriff making sure that those kids were in jail...then i dreampt about trying to find a T to go home...and i just could never catch one...the only way to get to a stop that had trains passing by all the time was to go through this creepy old lady's yard, but it was like she was watching for u...every time u attempting to go through her yard really quick she was there...and she made u do something creepy in order to get through...so i find a stop and there are these girls also going home....they invite me to denny's for a snack and i end up ordering a ton of food...apparently there, chicken came with a strawberry sauce and cream cheese...i got that w/ out the sauce...mashed potatoes and tater tots....and they gave me icecream for no reason...then there was a dream about me shopping at walmart and i was making a mouse trap with items in the store...i had to be sneaky because i wasnt buying any of the items...and i remember smelling all of the designer perfumes they had...and a worker kid got really pissed off at cow, who was with me...it had something to do with computers and ink...no idea...anyway...thats all i can remember...

i'm such a weirdo

interpretations anyone?

Current mood: weird
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Saturday, January 29, 2005

11:09AM

i keep having dreams about aaron and now jay ferreira....whats my deal

Current mood: weird
Current music: jamie cullum
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Sunday, December 26, 2004

12:57AM

i've been thinking a lot lately...not about good or bad things...i guess i just have the habbit of trying to figure myself out as well as other people...as i've written about before, i'm trying to figure myself out spiritually...i think spirituality is all we have in the end...i mean, once we get old, our spouses are basically room mates, sex is nonexistant...ur family is long gone...u can't move...ur health goes...working is obviously not something u wake up for...what else do u have besides urself, which is going to die anyway? i think spirituality is all we have in the end...its whats supposed to keep us going...at least for me...i think i've come to a few conclusions...there is a god...our souls are basically god's energy or "breath of life" as the bible likes to describe it...we are not a self...we only think that we are individuals....but thats only because we have individual brains...so basically we are all god and there are no individual souls...and i think all things in nature are linked together...when we die, our "souls" just go back to god and is reincorporated into another living thing....kind of like reincarnation in a way...and our bodies become a part of the earth again, which in turn could aid in helping a tree grow...this all probably sounds very complicated but its all basically one big cycle...both spiritually and physically...i just wonder why we're all here in the first place...thats what doesn't make sense to me...but i guess i can't try to understand and figure everything out...

i've also been thinking about the past....all the good things...last summer was interesting for me...but even before that...i think about art class...i think about connolly in general...i hated a lot of what went on there, but at the same time i feel like that place was my home...it was all so tight knit...now, i feel like we could just be left out in the cold and no one would care...i feel more alone now...but i dont think its a bad thing....its just a cold feeling...like there should be a lot more people supporting one another...i've been thinking about all the great times i had then...in newport...tiverton...mostly with ross...i think about ross and i before...when i thought everything was wonderful...i miss the old ross...

i also think about how i wish i had lived decades earlier....i may have mentioned this before...i think about what it would be like to live in the 20's...i love the clothing....the dancing...i also wonder what the 50's would have been like....being a housewife with a cookie cutter family...during this time and going into the 60's people seemed to live such simple lives...no one seemed to worry too much...many more people were classy...and kids weren't as stressed as we are now...i really like watching dazed and confused...all these kids have to worry about it getting beaten up by the senors...

and then i think about the future and where i'll be...where i want to be...i see myself in new york for a while...but i think about what happens later on...when i've established a solid career and i can move further away...do i build a house in a new york suburb? do i get a house in connecticut....do i eventually get my house in ocean drive? do i travel everywhere? am i as stressed out as i am now? am i worse?...am i successful...who will i keep in touch with? will i have a family of my own? what can i do to live a full life? what can i see and what can i learn...what can i do for other people and the world...right now i feel like the skys the limit...theres so much hope...i can do anything...

Current mood: thoughtful
Current music: joni mitchell
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Tuesday, December 21, 2004

3:46PM - my 10 second rant

u know...i'm done with all this bs...i was thinking too much...i could not imagine being with anyone else...i cant believe i acted the way i did...i thought it was too easy...manny and i....how could i have found someone at this age that i should be with? it just seemed much to easy...and that lead me to thinking...over thinking...in a way, i was secretly looking for the right guy...i dont know how i've come to my conclusion or what lead me to finally accept...but all i know is that just because someone makes u feel special, doesnt mean its sincere...usually it ends up feelings pretty empty in the end...manny is home to me...and i may made mistakes in the past, but at least we're where we are now...and thats what matters...me may be a big pain in the ass...but thats just who he is...and i love that...i completely accept that we'll be together...that we'll get married and eventually have children...sounds too soon to be thinking that way dont u think??? well not really...i'm almost 20...i'll be graduating college in about 2 years...i'll work on my career for a few more years...so lets say that makes me 25...what then? thats 5 years from now...remember how quickly high school went by? and thats 4 years...the real world is coming up very quickly...so yes, i am thinking about a wedding and babies...its not like i have my wedding dress picked out...but its something in the back of my mind...i mean, whats the point of dating if its not going anywhere? and manny and i have been together for a very long time so i dont think that contemplating marriage is completely out of line...of course i have plenty of things to do right now...and lots of fun to have...but i guess my whole point is...i feel at peace...i'm in the process of wiping ross out of my life...and manny and i are doing wonderfully...no more pondering and no more hesitation....

Current mood: calm
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3:32PM - my 10 second rant

u know...i'm done with all this bs...i was thinking too much...i could not imagine being with anyone else...i cant believe i acted the way i did...i thought it was too easy...manny and i....how could i have found someone at this age that i should be with? it just seemed much to easy...and that lead me to thinking...over thinking...in a way, i was secretly looking for the right guy...i dont know how i've come to my conclusion or what lead me to finally accept...but all i know is that just because someone makes u feel special, doesnt mean its sincere...usually it ends up feelings pretty empty in the end...manny is home to me...and i may made mistakes in the past, but at least we're where we are now...and thats what matters...me may be a big pain in the ass...but thats just who he is...and i love that...i completely accept that we'll be together...that we'll get married and eventually have children...sounds too soon to be thinking that way dont u think??? well not really...i'm almost 20...i'll be graduating college in about 2 years...i'll work on my career for a few more years...so lets say that makes me 25...what then? thats 5 years from now...remember how quickly high school went by? and thats 4 years...the real world is coming up very quickly...so yes, i am thinking about a wedding and babies...its not like i have my wedding dress picked out...but its something in the back of my mind...i mean, whats the point of dating if its not going anywhere? and manny and i have been together for a very long time so i dont think that contemplating marriage is completely out of line...of course i have plenty of things to do right now...and lots of fun to have...but i guess my whole point is...i feel at peace...i'm in the process of wiping ross out of my life...and manny and i are doing wonderfully...no more pondering and no more hesitation....

Current mood: calm
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Thursday, December 9, 2004

3:53PM

its officially over...semi offically anyway,
i have had it with ross...i just can't handle all the hardships and emotional rollarcoasters that are involved with merely knowing him...he reminds me of my father more and more...i can't live with him comfortably...everything about him hurts me...he's so different...its like he's trying to be something...something else...i hate it...

he thinks he's all philosophical and intelectual...all he wants to do is argue....he idolized a raping crack addict...i dont know whats wrong with him...its amazing that he seams to be my biggest problem right now...school is stressful, but i'm enjoying what i'm doing....i just can't stand the sight of him anymore...i wish i never knew him...maybe then manny and i would have never had any problems...maybe then i would have never gotten hit by a car...maybe then everything would be alright

Current mood: crushed
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Tuesday, November 23, 2004

10:05PM

finally done with school until december...eee!...i got some u4ia done today which makes me feel better...i'm not really as behind as i thought.

danielle and i watched shrek 2...we loooooove puss in boots...he's the sexiest cat i've ever seen..lol...if only i were a cat..mmm...haha so anyway

i spent my evening alone watching sex and the city...its great to have something nice to sit down to...

i've noticed that i havent really been listening to music much lately...i just dont think to turn it on...i guess i enjoy the quiet...at least the closest thing to it...but i realized that once i do turn it on...the creativity starts flowing and i can amazingly concentrate which i couldnt do before...i have found my answer as to why that was...i guess i'm just blabbing now....

i think i should continue with my blabbing...

a while ago my goal was to own one major designer piece...i was focused on finding a bag...i was on a mission for a louis...after a while i guess i kinda gave up...recently, i decided to look into Fendi bags...they're interesting looking...well that research brought me right back to the louis...i think i may continue my search

Current mood: random
Current music: something corporate
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Thursday, November 11, 2004

12:52PM

i had the worst dream ever...i dreampt that i caught ross and danielle having sex...and i had no problem walking right up to them and trying to gouge their eyes out...i was furious...i had previously shared with danielle my feelings about him...and ross had promised me nothing was going on...and there they were...on the couch doing it...the house was a complete mess...i threw things everywhere...i threw their food all over the place...even in their faces...i was screaming...i felt so stabbed in the back...

see, i can't sleep....but when i do, i'm so deeply into my dream that my emotions are so real...then, i wake up probably more tired than if i actually didn't sleep...

Current mood: weird
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Friday, November 5, 2004

1:29PM

ok so i was caught a little bit off guard yesturday...i got a phone call...the number was clearly a rhode island number so i automatically assumed it was ross....well, i was very wrong...there was a girl asking for ross...her name is lyndsay...i def didn't know what to say...i told her he wasn't there and asked who was speaking...and that was all...

i just dont make sense...i was angry...i was really hurt...i called him and asked who she was...apparently she's someone that worked at the hotel that he worked at...she's 22 and his "friend"...i think he's lying...why would she just randomly callif he's been gone for so long...

i shouldn't even be thinking anything of this...but i am...i feel like crap...its like even tho i decided that we just shouldn't be together...i can't bare to see him with someone else...

but at the same time...he, himself is someone else...the person he used to be is dead...he wasn't real...i try to think of it as, i just got the best of him...

but maybe i'm just upset that he's lying and has been lying to be from the start...i hate all this lying...i mean, i'm not crying over this...but i'm hurt and really really really really disapointed...i'm frustrated, i'm angry...

i feel like the only way that i can feel better is if he just disappears from my life all together...i try to be there for him but he just refuses to be honest with me...he needs to disappear

Current mood: gloomy
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Saturday, October 16, 2004

12:38PM

i've got a million things running through my head right now..good things and bad i suppose...i'm thinking about all the things i want to do this fall...i want to go outside for walks...i still want to go to king richard's fair...i want to go hiking in tiverton or even in boston...yes, apparently there are hiking trails there...i'm thinking about this weekend and how relaxing it has been so far...how quiet it is here...i'm thinking about school and all the work that is yet to be done...even for this week...i'm thinking about all the traveling that is ahead of me....i'm thinking about manny and i and how recently we've been all lovey dovey for some unknown reason...i'm thinking about aaron and what i'll say to him the next time i see him...i'm so random

Current mood: thoughtful
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Thursday, October 14, 2004

9:52AM

so theres a lot of things i have been thinking about...like...well...religion...ever since i read the davinci code christianity just seems like a complete fraud....so now i find myself trying to figure out what is true and what isnt'...at least for me...so jesus was a real person..i believe that...i just want to know what the deadsea scrolls have to say...because the bible is just not reliable...there are all kinds of pagan influences added in during Constantine's time...ok so jesus was either a prophet or the greatest wacko ever lived...in either case...i dont think that is whats important...the real question for me is...what about this God? this higher being? i wonder if there is one at all...i think there is...but who knows what the rules are....sure, we should all be good people...and i think thats where the bible does come in handy...there are great moral and value stories in it...i would think that believing in a god and being a good person is enough...its weird...lately i've been thinking about how comforting it would be to go to church again...maybe its just because its something i always did...i havent gone in years...and i dont think thats a bad thing...i just feel like i need to figure out exactly what i believe...

Current mood: contemplative
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Friday, October 8, 2004

5:53PM

he called....he finally called...after maybe 3 weeks... he stirred up emotions that have been hidden away...it was wonderful to hear from him...

Current mood: relieved
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Tuesday, September 21, 2004

12:59AM

i kind of wonder why he doesn't call anymore...well the reason may be obvious but he seemed so promising before i left...it makes me kind of sad...but at the same time i guess i expected this to happen...maybe i'll hear from him soon...one day...

Current mood: disappointed
Current music: radio
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12:59AM

i kind of wonder why he doesn't call anymore...well the reason may be obvious but he seemed so promising before i left...it makes me kind of sad...but at the same time i guess i expected this to happen...maybe i'll hear from him soon...one day...

Current mood: disappointed
Current music: radio
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Monday, September 20, 2004

11:11AM

manny and i seem to always do 4357839203958758 times better when we're apart for a while...gives us a chance to actually miss each other...i may be going home this weekend...his mum wont be home for much of it...which will give us plenty of alone time =D....she's also going to canada for a weekend so i might just try to pull something really sneaky and go home without telling my mum...so i'll be able to spend the entire weekend with him and no one else...but i dunno...i think my mum would like to see me....maybe i'll surprise her on sunday or something....i guess it depends on how i feel....but there are some cool things to look forward to...i'm still not sure what we all should do on halloween...i think i want to be tinkerbell...=D there is also a halloween cruise on the 29th which i think cow should be my date for... =D but anywho...off to start a busy ass day

Current mood: hopeful
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Tuesday, September 14, 2004

11:43PM

how disgusting

Current mood: surprised
Current music: the radio
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