Date:	2009-11-16 02:44
Subject:	So juvenile
Security:	Public
Mood:	artistic
Music:	Family Guy

I wonder if you can swing a hula hoop because I'm really good at it and we could have a contest and the loser buys the winner a popsicle from the Mexican ice cream truck that passes by my house. I don't think he speaks any English, but it's possible he does, I should try. And I want to play hopscotch, because I've never actually played. Isn't there some sort of rock or bean bag involved? You throw it and skip over it? Oh, have you ever played with a Skip-It? I've tried and always hurt myself, and my cousin in Hawaii has a unicycle and I tried to ride it but kept falling. She can ride it fine because she's small and skinny then she told me her dad can ride it too. Yeah... So I want to play four square and swing on the even bars. There are uneven bars at J Street by the bay but I think they're for pull ups because they're too tall for me and I can't throw my legs up like I did on the big black top in elementary school. If I would have kept up with it in elementary school, I would've been a great acrobat by now.

Date:	2009-11-09 17:11
Subject:	It's not working fast enough
Security:	Public
Mood:	pensive
Music:	both of my clocks ticking.

This dieting, counting calories, doing yoga, slipping and eating fast food...it's not working.

There are two ways I lose a lot of weight. The first is to get back to work. I don't want to go back to retail and I haven't found anything else yet so that's going to have to wait. The second is to starve. This usually works best when I'm depressed or nervous or something. I'd say I'm getting to depressed. I'm about 5 pounds heavier than I was this summer and I'm fucking sick of it. I think now I'm just not going to eat. I'm calling this a juice diet. Something like fasting. That's it. I'm not going to starve myself, I'm going to fast to get rid of these toxins that plague my body by fasting. Except instead of just juice, I'll probably have slurpees too. Maybe soda. Caffeine is supposed to speed up my metabolism so we'll try that. I'll probably have to buy some vitamins too... This might be harder than I thought.

I hope I can lose at least these 5 pounds, if not more.

Date:	2009-11-04 01:03
Subject:	An epiphany.
Security:	Public
Mood:	bitchy
Music:	Futurama

My friends suck.

Not you guys, my...in person friends. I might be a spoiled brat because I can't stand being told no but how can you be spoiled by people who always let you down? It's probably a personality flaw on my part, maybe I'm just a terrible person but you know what? I am who I fucking am and if they can't accept me that way, maybe I just need to get new friends. I try, I do, but new friends never seem to stick. I think I get intimidated that new people have old friends who are better than me and how can I compete with that? It's a confidence issue for sure, but more than that because if they liked me more, they'd come after me instead of me being up their asses - in the words of a friend of mine.

This comes from what could be my final attempt to get a group of friends together for a Hollywood excursion. I know what they'll all say or do. One of them will say sure and then she'll accept a half day of work because her boss is desperate (right, because retail is such a difficult industry) and I'm not important enough for her to take a single day off. No, I know she'll do it because she did it to me on my birthday. She's my best friend. My second closest friend will say no, because #1 she'll say she's broke but I'm inviting her boyfriend as well who can easily pay for this ONE thing (I'm equally as poor, but I'm still going), and #2 even though he's invited, she's spending that particular day with her boyfriend ALONE because she's SOOO in love (nobody's THAT in love for THAT long) and probably really horny because they haven't had sex yet. Get over it, do it, and get back to your normal fucking life. And the other friend I've invited will say no because her other friend got knocked up straight out of high school and is always having SOME issue with her baby's daddy so of course, it makes complete sense that friend #3 has to be involved, right? I could invite my other group of friends but one of them broke her leg and would say no anyway, another would ruin it anyway because she's so boring and has to be in bed by 9pm (she's lucky she buys me things), and another is only interested in hanging out at a bar in the middle of the week with all of the shady men that I usually avoid. There are others but usually I get ahold of them through those last three because we're really not that close aaaaand...I don't have their numbers.

I complain too much, but you know, point is, my friends suck.

Date:	2009-11-03 21:26
Subject:	I'm intimidated
Security:	Public
Mood:	blank
Music:	Parking Wars

Isn't that what you wanted?

I thought I was someone, no, not someone, special. Someone special? Yes and no. I thought so, but I'm not that creative. I try, but really I just knock people off.

Do other people do that?

What if you knock someone off but make it your own? Am I making it my own? Do I ever? I don't think so, but I can try.

I lost it. It's gone. Forever. I should go find it, or find something else to do.

I feel like Regina Spektor. She loves music, but she was so intimidated by all of the amazing music that came before her that she didn't think she could possibly measure up. Yeah, how could I possibly measure up to Robert Browning? Virginia Woolf? Ernest Hemingway? William fucking Shakespeare??

It's intimidating and makes me not want to try.

And I've begun to isolate myself.

Three high school friends have been trying to contact me but I've been in hiding. What makes me angry about their sudden interest in me is that they're together while they're trying to get to me. The last time I saw them intentionally as a group, was about this time last year. That's not the last time they're gotten together, that's the last time they cared about me. When will they get that I'm not interested in their gifts but in their company? I've tried to make myself available to them and I've tried to get us together years before but now I'm just sick of it. God. I understand that we've grown apart and that their only interest in me comes from the fact that my birthday is a week before one of the girls trying to find me, otherwise, they wouldn't remember me at all.

Date:	2009-08-28 02:36
Subject:	You're just like sugar to me
Security:	Public
Mood:	artistic
Music:	King of the Hill

You're just like sugar to me
and I'm desperate to have a taste.
You're just like candy to me
I want you all day every day
for my own personal satisfaction.

I love you, love you, love you
please just love me too.

Date:	2009-08-01 00:35
Subject:	I lost everything
Security:	Public
Mood:	depressed

To a typing mistake.

I could just fucking die.

Date:	2008-08-17 03:03
Subject:	Anything to feel special again
Security:	Public
Mood:	drained
Music:	Family Matters

Are you okay?

No, but I can’t tell you that. What do you want me to say? I want to tell you that I’m tired of you being so selfish and inconsiderate but you’re just going to get defensive and hate me. You’re going to want to break up with me just because I want you to treat me like some precious jewel every once in a while, or at least a little more like someone who matters. I just want to feel special sometimes; I want you to miss me sometimes. I want to be able to tell you these things without you wanting to jump on me for it. I tell myself every day that the way you’re behaving is a phase, that you’ll get over it, grow out of it… but it’s so hard to wait through. Although I know that you need time and space to grow, I can’t deny my needs either. I have no choice but to forego what I want for you, because I love you and I want you in my life.

I keep thinking about other men, today I thought that I might throw myself on one of the guys I work with, just to feel special. I catch myself wanting to have a conversation with the guys from GE, give them my phone number… anything to feel special again.

Date:	2007-11-04 23:14
Subject:	A little letter to you
Security:	Public
Mood:	flirty
Music:	Family Guy

I wrote this letter to a friend of mine, someone who used to work with me and decided that I wrote some things she probably wouldn't care to hear.

You know, I've been thinking a lot about having a baby. I'm not going to, not anytime soon, but it's like everytime I hear a cute name I think about attaching it to my baby. I want a girl, and I'm going to name her Nicole but what of her middle name? I think Nicole Noelle sounds good but I'm afraid it sounds a bit stripper, what do you think? One of my favorite shows right now has a girl named Charlotte Charles in it and everyone calls her Chuck. I thought that might be perfect too, Nicole Charles, since Steven's father's name is Charles, and Steven's middle name. But he thinks my daughter would resent me for it, if only for her childhood. But eventually I think she would appreciate it as being different, for a girl, and as a tribute to her grandfather, especially if, god forbid, something happens to him. And now I'm watching Hamlet so I'm thinking Nicole Ophelia might be nice, a classical name.

OH! I think I just missed a Midsummer Night's Dream! Dammit.

Anyway, you don't have to listen to me, this is just one of those things that plagues me but that I can't tell anyone but Steven about because, well, I don't know why but I can't. I'm always thinking about how I want to raise my children, and what I want to teach them. They have to know English and Spanish of course. I was thinking that my family and I could speak nothing but Spanish around them and Steven's family English. I think it would be cool too, to teach them sign language while they're learning English. As of now I only know a little bit, the alphabet and a couple of statements but Steven and I have always wanted to take a class. Oh, and we plan on taking ballroom and latin dance classes, wouldn't it be cool to teach the Waltz to a five year old? Okay, maybe not, haha, but it's a fun idea. And I plan on having my baby in Australia, I mean, I'd like to have her in Spain or Italy, Ireland, or Sweden but I think Australia would be easier. It has something to do with medical systems, I'm not sure. At any rate, we definitely have to teach our children about Swedish and Mexican culture since those are the histories behind us.

Hm.

Date:	2007-05-27 01:05
Subject:	My brother...
Security:	Public
Mood:	annoyed
Music:	Movie: Fools Rush In

has a girlfriend. :(

He's only 16 and she's 17 and he's getting all mushy and awful and I'm hating every second of it. When I have kids, I'm forbidding them to date until they're 18. There, I said it. Why couldn't Christian wait? Both Ricky and I did. I have several concerns about his little relationship.

1. He's only 16 and STILL my baby brother.

2. She's older than he is. I don't know, I have a thing about older women and younger men. Somehow I'm grossed out by it. Disgusted isn't quite the word so grossed out works. I don't like to advertise that too much because I'm only 20 and my boyfriend is 27 so I know that people will try to use that against me and I just don't think people will understand. But for now think of it this way, my little brother doesn't have a job and he rarely goes anywhere on his own but for this long weekend, his little girlfriend on MySpace asked him what they were doing, where he was taking her. Where is he taking her? She's the old one, she should be taking HIM places. Ugh.

3. He's failing most of his classes as it is and will probably be kicked out from my family's alma mater (since he's there by the Choice Program) where his girlfriend is. In spite of that one more reason for him to do better, he's not.

4. We waited, my older brother and me, why couldn't he? Does that make me bitter? Probably. I think it's that whole marriage thing again. You know? Like, it bothers me because I'm jealous, because I can't or couldn't... maybe?

5. I think the majority of high school relationships are meaningless and suck the life out of you.

6. I think high school couples are fucking disgusting, always sticking their tongues down each others throats... UGH.

7. High school kids have always pissed me off, even and maybe especially when I was in high school. Putting two of them together just makes them worse.

Eh. We'll see what happens. I've been trying to ignore it since his birthday although I'm sure it's been going on longer than that... you'd think he would've learned from damn Amanda. My God.

Date:	2007-02-08 21:36
Subject:	White flag
Security:	Public
Mood:	depressed
Music:	Nothing

I've given up. You win, I'll just roll over and die.

How is it that I could've gone so long believing a lie? I'm so embarrassed I don't know what to do. I went all day feeling just fine but then I come here to work on the introduction to this crappy little paper she's making us write and I can't seem to get anything out. Part of it is the pressure - now that she knows that this is what I'm supposed to be doing in my field, I feel that she expects more out of me. Another part is that I just don't want to do it.

Don't tell me I'm smart because obviously it's bullshit.

Date:	2007-01-24 01:01
Subject:	Shut up
Security:	Public
Mood:	bitchy
Music:	Fabulous Sex Lives of Celebrities

Stop telling me that I can be thin.

Date:	2007-01-17 23:35
Subject:	London bridge is falling down...
Security:	Public
Mood:	cranky
Music:	Commercials and phone static.

I just want to cry. I'm so pissed off that everyone gets everything that I deserve.

I mean, what the hell? Why do service people get married before everyone else? Why do I have to be held down all the time? Why do I have to be so scared?

SINCE WHEN WAS SARAH DATING PABLO? AND WHY THE HELL ARE THEY MARRIED?

I'm hopelessly jealous.

Date:	2006-12-30 20:34
Subject:	Happy New Year
Security:	Public
Mood:	bored
Music:	10 Things I Hate About You

It's Saturday December 30th, 2006 and there is one day left until the new year.

First, it's my mother's 41st birthday - happy birthday mom!

Second, Saddam Hussein was executed today (well, December 30th, 2006 at like 7am in Iraq which was Friday December 29th at about 7pm in California)

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/16389128/?GT1=8816

Other big events this year include the deaths of my uncle Robert Ramos, the crocodile hunter Steve Irwin, ex-president Gerald Ford (1913-2006), and star James Brown (1933-2006). There are more I'm sure but I just can't think of them right now.

Another memorable and recent event: the arrest of former CPH band director Frank Palumbo for having sex with a 17 year old student of his from Helix High School. He haught at CPH during the 2003 - 2004 school year - my final year. Plus, he was the CPH drum major up until the his graduation in 1997. That means that he is just one year older than Steven which in turn means that Steven might've known him and that he is in Steven's old year books.

http://ori.msnbc.msn.com/id/16380876/

I kind of like the movie 10 Things I Hate About You because of and in spite of Julia Stiles. Most of the time I really like the girls with an academic superiority complex but I can't stand the ones who go all anti-commercial feminist.

Date:	2006-12-14 02:15
Subject:	Defending one of my favorite shows
Security:	Public
Mood:	blah
Music:	Futurama's X-mas episode

FLCL (Fooly Cooly) is my favorite anime ever. It's confusing as hell but also funny as hell. It's sexual and the characters are awesome. Unfortunately, some people don't see that. Okay, most people. Tonight I used my collegiate knowledge to create an argument to defend this show and I'm very proud. Check it out.

Ezekiel says: he says you hate me now
Monique says: yes, i said i hate you
Monique says: you dont like fooly cooly!
Ezekiel says: and why?
Monique says: how is that possible
Ezekiel says: there only six episodes
Monique says: so?
Monique says: all the better for my ADD
Ezekiel says: there all stupid ones
Monique says: they are not
Monique says: just wait, i owe you a good smack the next time i see you
Ezekiel says: i did'nt like a single one of em'
Ezekiel says: you 2 are crazy
Monique says: yeah we are.
Monique says: but i dont see what that has to do with fooly cooly
Ezekiel says: its stupid
Monique says: it is not
Ezekiel says: the guy has a phallus growing out of his head
Ezekiel says: thats stupid
Monique says: i dont dwell on those parts
Monique says: concentrate on haruko and mamimi and ninamori
Monique says: there are a lot of sexual references
Monique says: which make the show better
Ezekiel says: they take up the entireity of the episodes
Monique says: funny even
Monique says: they do not
Monique says: the robot parts are only a small part of the show
Ezekiel says: i dissagree
Ezekiel says: it doesn't matter
Monique says: oh youre just as stubborn as that brother of yours
Ezekiel says: i what way is he stubborn?
Monique says: he will not back down on anything
Ezekiel says: and i what way am i stubborn?
Ezekiel says: i wouldn't know bout that
Monique says: sure you wouldnt
Ezekiel says: no i wouldn't
Monique says: anyway, it's a good show.
Ezekiel says: to you 2 it is
Monique says: it takes a kind of eccentric mind to appreciate it i suppose
Ezekiel says: i like alot of diff stuff but not that show
Monique says: because you only see robots and horns growing from a little boy's head
Monique says: you dont appreciate the humor and the sexuality that takes place throughout the majority of it
Ezekiel says: whats with the damn huge irons anyway
Monique says: i dont know.
Monique says: i was reading up on the show a long time ago and somewhere it said that the show was not really meant to be understood
Monique says: that if you read the manga, however, you would have a better idea of the plot
Monique says: the intended plot, at least
Ezekiel says: i like to understand things
Monique says: you and steven both
Ezekiel says: what plot
Ezekiel says: there is no plot
Monique says: whereas i think there's beauty in not knowing. there's mystery and intrigue
Monique says: there is
Ezekiel says: i've nvr been a fan of mystery
Monique says: we just have a hard time seeing it because all we know is the show that is meant to defy the norms and confuse the hell out of people
Monique says: mystery makes life more interesting
Ezekiel says: eh
Ezekiel says: i need to decide what to get steve for x-mas
Ezekiel says: brb

Date:	2006-11-30 21:02
Subject:	To my broken heart
Security:	Public
Mood:	depressed
Music:	None

I'm sorry I'm doing this to you. I'm sorry I had to put you through this.

I can't breathe

Date:	2006-11-19 02:53
Subject:	It's not my fault
Security:	Public
Mood:	pissed off
Music:	Bleach on Adult Swim

I've been sitting here for the last ten minutes with my headset on, plugged in and ready to go. All I have to do is press "talk". But do I want to?

No, I want to crucify him. If I speak to him, I'm afraid I won't be able to hold my tongue. I'll say more than "why?" and "are you crazy?" and he'll hate me for it. It makes sense to me. I mean, he's been working so much that we hardly have any time together so now it's just the weekends and he wants to use one of those to be with them? He doesn't even know them. He spent maybe a total of 4 weeks with the one guy at WORK so it's not even like they got to spend the whole time getting to know each other. Fine, at least it's a guy and he's married. Whatever. But I know him, there are going to be girls everywhere OVERNIGHT probably for TWO nights. I know the whores he talks to too and they may be stupid, but they know a good thing when they see it. And you know what? I agree, guys and girls can't be just friends. There's always some kind of sexual tension.

How would he feel if I went somewhere overnight with a group of people - girls AND guys? Of course I'm tied down so tightly it would never happen but what if? All I know that if he goes, I am not spending that weekend alone and I swear I will find a guy to join me.

He keeps saying it's a trust thing. Yeah, I guess it is and he can keep telling me that my fears are completely unjustified until he turns blue but this is not the way to go about proving it.

What I need to do is separate myself from him. I need to get away from my parents and I need to get away from him. I'm going to get a job and be independent. I'll move out on my own - maybe with a roommate, but not with him.

This is ridiculously hard to write.

Date:	2006-09-20 00:24
Subject:	That's it, blow out the candles...
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative
Music:	Inuyasha

I haven't been able to write a proper blog in the longest time so today, I went to write a letter to a friend of mine and it brought everything out.

Things have been very busy around here. First it was my dad's (and my mom's cat Sabrina's) birthday so I was running around on and a couple of days before the 7th preparing for that. Then we were going to have a real party on the following Saturday for them but since I'm the one who always has to get things rolling around here (I even planned my own birthday party) and I was taken out by a violent stomach flu, it didn't happen. But that also meant that Steven and I couldn't celebrate our second anniversary that Sunday like we were planning (we were going ice skating).

So on Monday the 11th and the actual day of our anniversary, I hauled my tired ass to school and on the way back, Steven's back tire blew out on the freeway just steps away from my exit. As an anniversary gift, I bought him a tire for some 124 dollars and he got us tickets to see Sweet Charity on Sunday the 17th. Sweet Charity, if you didn't know, is a musical that was being performed here with, drum roll please, Molly Ringwald in the lead role. I love plays. And I love Molly Ringwald.

Anyway, as the week continued, I found myself buried in homework and in the stresses of preparing for the birthday party I planned for Saturday the 16th. It was...tough. What's worse, I had one big essay (that was assigned on very short notice) and two shorter ones due on my birthday, Monday the 18th. I worked on them on Thursday and a little bit on Friday but I only got halfway through as more things kept piling on my plate. So on Friday night I was just going to go to my high school's third football game of the season (a home game) because it was the first day the band was going to be there. I don't remember if I ever told you but my...well, younger brother Christian is now in the tenth grade and in the Castle Park High school band. He plays the flute and two forms of the sax, tenor and alto. He's learning to play the soprano sax as well. I don't know where he gets it. I mean, my older brother is a part time DJ but that really has very little to do with actually playing an instrument and the rest of us are, well, musically challenged? I couldn't play an instrument to save my life. ANYWAY, I went to the football game to watch but ended up helping in the concession stand. It made me remember how much I enjoyed helping people and made me want to go back to work. The only thing I didn't miss so much, all the standing. I guess it wouldn't have been so bad: if I had known that I was going to be working, I would've worn tennis shoes rather than flat sandals with absolutely no arch support. So we were there, relatively unprepared from five to about 10:30 so that when I got home, I was exhausted and went straight to bed without working on my papers. Argh.

Saturday morning rolled around and I was excited. I was running around cleaning the house, setting up the yard...mostly by myself as my family had apparently waited until that very same morning to get me a gift (they got me a digital camera. Yay!) and by the time people were beginning to arrive, I was hot, tired, hungry, and cranky. Luckily, I had some old high school friends coming over and they're hilarious so I cheered up right away. Saturday went by really smoothly and by midnight I was looking forward to Sweet Charity the next day so I had to kick everybody out. Seriously, a great party although I'm pretty sure one of my old girlfriends was hitting on me all night...haha. She kept making suggestive jokes about the two of us and I played along, saying that she would have to consult my boyfriend first... She was always like that with me in high school but on that particular day, she was especially flirtatious. Oh well.

The next morning, my parents were gone and I had to prepare for the play (I like to dress up to go to the theatre). I called my mom because my brothers didn't know where they were only to find that she was at the hospital with my uncle. I can't remember if I ever told you about this but this March or so we discovered that my uncle had cancer. Not fun. In June they gave him anywhere from four to six months to live. Saturday night, my uncle was at home when he started feeling an intense pain even above the morphine so my aunt rushed him to the veterans hospital (my uncle was in the Vietnam War). She called my mom and my other aunt (her sisters) at about eight the next morning to let them know that the doctors gave him only hours left to live. Since Steven planned our evening in advance and I looked forward to it immensely, we decided not to rush to the hospital immediately. I know it sounds horrible but I was never especially close to my uncle and I wasn't sure it would do much good for me to be there right away so I went to the play. My brother Ricky drove up there as soon as he heard and Steven and I made it shortly after the play at about 9pm. He died at 9:12 that night not three hours before my birthday. I saw his last breath. So of course there were tears, everybody was devastated but the mood lightened up relatively quickly as a couple of my cousin's friends were there to make everybody laugh. I got home a little after midnight that night to continue work on my homework and finally got to sleep at about three in the morning. I skipped my first class and dragged my feet through the last four...it was my birthday but all I could think about was death and my professors kept putting us in groups and, on top of being picked last, I just didn't want to talk. Even when I got home it was quiet. There was no mini party the way there usually is in spite of the bigger one we have first... I was here, in this very seat on this same computer moving pictures off of Steven's memory card so that I could start using the one my parents got my for my birthday.

Now we're just waiting for the funeral and all I have to say is "wake me up when September ends."

Date:	2006-08-21 01:47
Subject:	Consolidate your sudent loans
Security:	Public
Mood:	annoyed
Music:	The Whole Ten Yards (for the THIRD time tonight)