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Friday, September 3rd, 2004
8:10 pm - Going with the way

I've been fooling myself.  Letting go of habits are hard.  I find that replacing unwanted habits with desireable habits to be easier. 


current mood: energetic

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12:30 pm - Game time at Hammerstein
Gamers night grove at Hammerstein Ballroom, beginning Friday September 10th. With a flyer, you can print one out from the site, its $5 admission for Friday only.

Its an three day weekend gaming event. There are several admission levels, from spectator, tournament contender, and LAN parties. Some tournaments you'll need to bring your own laptop, others you test out the latest gameware for x-box using hardware provided.


current mood: bouncy

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Sunday, August 29th, 2004
4:06 pm - 172

current mood: cynical

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Friday, August 27th, 2004
8:10 am

Its cloudy outside. It will probably rain.

People say and do some very insensative things.  Give them enough rope and they're sure to hang themselves.

::shakes head::

Good day.

current mood: disappointed

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Thursday, August 26th, 2004
11:10 pm - quiz
You are Black
What color are you? (Anime Pictures)

brought to you by Quizilla


current mood: horny

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9:38 am - Hearing sounds of the same color

Classes start in a little more than a week.  I'm somewhat excited.  Well, more excited that I'll be meeting some of the people from lj there. 

Today is the day I deal with invoices etc.  I am very cranky when it comes to that.  I need to generate a reward system.  It puts me in a very nasty mood for days. 

For an hour a day for the last two days I've been learning to ride a bike.  Yes, just a regular bycicle.  Its O's 12 speed dirt bike or some sort. 

Anyway, I never learned to ride.  For some reason, my parents never gave me a bike.  As I think, they never gave me skates either.  I learned to skate though.  I used my sisters pair when she out grew them and I finally grew into them.  Sister is seven years older than I am. When I became older, I bought my own pair.  I learned to skateboard too. I found it in someones trash when I was about nine.  I was the only brat in the neighborhood riding one and looked pretty strange skateboarding in the South Bronx in the eighties.  I used it until I cracked the board on the sidewalk,  that was it for me and skateboarding. 

As for riding the bike, I'll feel like I can ride when I actually go somewhere other than the park.  Sunday, I'll go somewhere.  What I don't like is the soreness in the crotch area from riding.  O teased me about it, but stopped when I told him the last thing I wanted was to be touched there.  I know the soreness will go as I learn to ride better and ride more frequently.  Its like when I would go horseback riding.  The upper body also aches from using different muscles and the thigh area aches as well.

Today, I have an orientation this afternoon on research for textbook writing.  Its a little complicated.  I like to research and have done it before in marketing, so its an opportunity to do it again for a textbook.  I'll be working with a researcher experienced in the area, probably a professor.  For the most part, I won't be paid.  I'll receive a stipend of some sort and later have to present my work to peers.  Nothing like a challenge I say.  This challenge is a lot less stressful than designing questionairre's to screen out for sexually abused males or requesting blood samples from Veitnam vets or permission to exume dead infants for tissue samples.

Wow, I'm definately tripping through nostalgia today.  But I blame it on the bike riding and the movie screening of "Suspect Zero."  It was a good movie I thought. People should see it.  Its a little shocking, not too gory, the acting is average.  The cinematography was different, in a good way I think.

I was left a little silent after the movie.  I reflected on a lot about my own past after watching the film.  O and I had some time to discuss some personal points in my history and the less ordinary drama we've experienced as a team.  He pays more attention to my dreams when I have them, since he knows of the ones I've had that repeated in our lives either broadly or very accurately.

In any event, its not fun. It just is.

How is it that you can listen to music and see some of it in color?  Certain voices do the same.  How is it that you can sleep, listen to lyrics and know the words verbatim when exposed to it again awake? Or listen to language and know the national origin?  Read something and when recalled without understanding the prose? 

Somethings you want to forget.

The smell of death and pregnancy aren't that different.  Especially when they have sound in the same colors.

I'll stop now, its just getting too complicated.

Have fun people.




current mood: nostalgic
current music: Metallica, Some kind of monster

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Wednesday, August 25th, 2004
8:08 am - good morning

Good morning everyone.

I'm in a relatively good and friendly mood this morning.  Just saying a nice hello before I turn into a raving mad woman.

I developed the pictures.  I'm just being lazy about posting.

Bye bye now.


current mood: bored
current music: Cold, No one

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Sunday, August 22nd, 2004
1:48 pm - Are there eyes watching?
So, the brats are home. They've grown in two weeks, physically and socially.

Ada has reached some new levels on Jak II and she's learned a few new moves for the character. She wants me to play any of her games with her and I continue to avoid it. I feel that it is because I am still insecure about my dexterity. While I have been having really good days for the last few months, I avoid all games. Like anything, I'll just have to jump into it and just do it. After all, I will only have her as a young child for a short time and she won't desire my company as passionately as she does now.

There was great success with Boogie and staying with his aunt for the two weeks. Sister M totally adores Boogie. That's great.

Right now, I'm just getting myself ready to go on duty. I'm on for tonight and will be off for four days as typical. I am catching up on the e-mail I've missed in the last few days and reading stories etc. I'm still trying to figure out what this means to me. Its not like I have any allegiance to an employer, but the information certainly enhances my antagonism toward developing any kind of positive personal feelings toward one.

And I leave you all with more morbid news: View at your own risk

current mood: contemplative

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Friday, August 20th, 2004
8:02 am - In her loving memory
I'm back. I went on holiday with O for a few days, felt like a few minutes in some ways. In others, like it was endless (not in a good way either).

We went to Virginia beach for a couple of days and to the Outerbanks in NC. We tried out both and decided we like Virginia Beach better.

I'm rushing through this entry because I am tired. Also, there's so much more to talk about that I'll save for when I am more coherent.

We bought a little piece for our family and that forces us (especially) O to take vacation, at least every year. Granted, I surprised him with my "sneaky" ways to pay for the property. But I want O to be around and to be around as healthy as possible. He needs to learn to relax.

(Yes dear, its a new skill and I intend to show you how its done. Whatever it takes, love.

"We only hurt the ones we love." You always say.

My hurts are always crafted and honed toward the ultimate pleasures I can derive from/for the ones I love. :p)

So any how, its a two bedroom villa. Its not beachfront but hey, its across the street and we can walk. Maybe I'll post pictures of the place. Since the digital cameras down, I used the 35mm and must develop them to disk.

About the stay on both beaches:
VA beach had some of the loveliest bodies and friendliest people.
Outerbanks NC had some of the ugliest bodies and racist bastards I've ever met.

Yes, that's right racist. More on that another time.

Toodles lovelies.

current mood: awake
current music: Velvet Revolver, Slither

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Friday, August 13th, 2004
1:56 am

All the locals hide their tears of regret

Open fires 'cause I love you to death

Sky high with a heartache of stone

You'll never see me 'cause I'm always alone

- Ministry, N.W.O

So I went to see Gran today.  Took Dad and O on a two hour tour.  Gran is horribly thin and his wife isn't as senile as the other relatives have made her out to be.  She passed all the assessments and that is why EMS would not take her. She's alert and oriented. 

They are two eighty year olds trying to live off a meager income and pay for prescriptions.  The locals do their shopping for them, but they need a home attendant.  The small things we more younger and able bodies take for granted, like opening  a bottled water is a huge task when you have to remove an inner lid of a nutrition drink.   Forget about climbing to the cupboard or bending down to open a lower cabinet.  The stairs is another universe all together.  Abandon walking up the stairs and just crawl.  Hopefully on the way down you won't kill yourself.

Gran wants to stop the radiation therapy.  He's convinced it is robbing him of the use of his knees.  I'm sure its the chemo and poor nutrition. General weakness, its starting with his difficulty supporting his own weight.  He will find that he will be less able to raise his arms etc.  He cannot cook more complicated meals that would be nutritious and since he does have cancer in the gastro-intestinal tract he's a candidate for loss of nutrition through poor or inadequate intake.

Gran was looking to me for support to quit radiation.

"I felt fine while just doing the chemo." he said, "But since taking radiation, I can't walk anymore."

I repeated the things he said in a non-judgmental way.  I assured him I would support and advocate for any decision he made regarding his care.  A mental note: At risk for depression related to lack of motor skills and socialization.

I surveyed his cupboards and chatted with him about the things he would and could eat.  Lots of soft foods. 

"You don't like the Ensures, how they taste." I said.

"Well, the vanilla and strawberry." He said, he grimaced, "They're ok."

Part of his food shopping list included strawberry and vanilla ice cream.

"Any trouble with ice cream?" I asked.

"Nope." He smiles.

"I like the Ensure when its ice cold and from plastic, not metal." I smiled back. "When its nearly frozen...its yummier."

"I'll pour the Ensure on my ice cream and eat it.  Probably like a shake." He suggested.

"Sounds like a plan to me." and I finished the food list. 

There are these characteristics particular of elderly.  They buy small cans and smaller sizes of products.  For two reasons, they're feeding less people and trying to prevent spoilage, and they can't manage large cans, their motor skills are less capable.  And purchasing smaller products add to their expenses as it is cheaper to buy in bulk. This is how the elderly spend more on food than younger adults. 

There's more, but maybe later.  Right now I want to listen to some more Ministry and figure out why the fuck I don't have my older discs and mourn the Ministry tapes of yesteryear. 

Rock on bitches.


current mood: mellow
current music: Ministry, N.W.O

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Thursday, August 12th, 2004
7:48 am
So, I'm looking at the computer O has won in a raffle at work. I look at it rather suspicously fighting the urge to take it apart. What is with me and taking machines apart. Oh well its time for morning murders by game hack and a morning game with honey bunny that should take care of the hacking urge.


current mood: creative

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7:48 am
So, I'm looking at the computer O has won in a raffle at work. I look at it rather suspicously fighting the urge to take it apart. What is with me and taking machines apart. Oh well its time for morning murders by game hack and a morning game with honey bunny that should take care of the hacking urge.


current mood: creative

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Wednesday, August 11th, 2004
7:38 pm - Reign, Rain, Rane...

Its a rain storm outside.  Lovely.  I'm not out there.  So, I'm listening to some new music from some local band in the tri-state area.   Lucky me.  While my musical proclivities lie along the genre of metal and alternative, I occassionally gorge on indie and punk.  Yummy! Read more... )

current mood: amused
current music: Spiraling, Holy Grail

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3:14 pm
Young Democrats After Dark


current mood: awake

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Tuesday, August 10th, 2004
10:20 am - Morning readings

Technically, I am on vacation for two weeks. The brats actually get a vacation away from us, spending two weeks with their aunt and cousins. Yesterday Mom called, full of drama about my grandfather. She's panicked that he complains of weakness and decreasing ability to take care of himself. He's on chemo therapy for colon and esophageal cancer. But after careful probing, I discover that Grandfather is not "dying" at the very moment, but needs actual assistance with daily living. His wife, he's been her care provider as she slips into Alzheimer senility. Read more... )

current mood: apathetic
current music: Rage against the Machine, Calm like a bomb

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Saturday, August 7th, 2004
3:41 pm
I have new braids. Same style. I went this morning at 9:30am with the brats in tow. We were done in under an hour. The brats personal day starts around 5am, so other people have found it weird that I let them go to the store to buy Skittles, chocolate covered waffer cookies and rice crispie treats.

"Candy, so early in the morning." said one reprimanding adult. I let the adult continue uninterrupted especially since he kept trying to get a response from Boogie. I had wanted to see how Boogie would respond. Boogie paced backward and forward never making eye contact. He was careful to keep atleast four feet between himself and the adult.

"Well, just because your morning begins now, these kids morning began at 5am. They've been through two meals and a snack already. Its treat time." I responded.

The adults all looked at the brats closely. Yeah, they're wide awake, deep in their kiddie discussions and games; relatively quiet waiting for my hair to be completely done.

The same adult eventually inquired, "He's shy isn't he?"

"Well, he's autistic so he has trouble expressing himself verbally. But judging from his body language I would say he's interested in what your saying...he hasn't actually run away." To Boogie, "Are you feeling shy?"

"No, mommy."

Answer enough.

Today I'm rather tired. The damp cool weather tires my joints. It takes more energy to get through my regular activities, coupled with my affinity for day time sleeping I'm moving toward exhaustion.

Tonight, I'll be on duty and will rock & roll on the unit. It'll be a fun crew tonight so that's something to look forward to.

O's been on duty two days in a row. He's been gone for over 36 hours. I miss him. Oh well, it'll be over with soon.

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Friday, August 6th, 2004
1:56 pm - My darker side is her adolescence and she is bitter sweet

Between Aug 1 and Aug 6, the end of summer is in full swing.  It depends on the tradition.  But I am so very aware of the cyclic change. 

The Right Hand of Pixie and the subsequent dream I have had, of the burning circle, ritual killer hunter and the slayer were but reminders of the change. 

The flaming diagram encircled was the Sun God.

The successful hunt by the Right Hand of  Pixie and the ritual killer's drowning  marked the decline of the God's power.

Lamas is in full swing and I will celebrate.



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4:59 am - My darker side is her adolescence and she is bitter sweet

Between Aug 1 and Aug 6, the end of summer is in full swing.  It depends on the tradition.  But I am so very aware of the cyclic change. 

The Right Hand of Pixie and the subsequent dream I have had, of the burning circle, ritual killer hunter and the slayer were but reminders of the change. 

The flaming diagram encircled was the Sun God.

The successful hunt by the Right Hand of  Pixie and the ritual killer's drowning  marked the decline of the God's power.

Lamas is in full swing and I will celebrate.



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Thursday, July 8th, 2004
3:46 pm - Fatigue

It has been a tough day from the morning.  I  could tell, my limbs were not responding to my commands.  It took me about twenty minutes to actually gain enough control to sit up.  From last evening, I could feel the fatigue coming over me.  I was in lecture when the body started shutting down.  Infact, I started shutting down during the exam and my grade reflected the mental and physical pause.  Oh, well.

So, O left for work this morning.  I gathered the brats to ready themselves for camp and I was cranky as hell.  Coffee, banana and a B-12.  It was tiring just to chew. When I returned home after dropping off the brats, I slept.  I fell into this sleep that felt drug induced.  I wouldn't remember anything.  I would not dream either.  This is the kind of sleep that results in amnesia. Very strange indeed.

I had wanted to go to out to see F-911 tonight, but we shall see.  The last time I went to see a movie feeling like this, I couldn't remember a damn thing.

Until next time.

current mood: blank

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Tuesday, July 6th, 2004
9:20 am - What a day
After O returned home from duty we went out to the movies. I had invited him and he accepted. I left him to nap for a few hours before we went on our way. Like anyone, O's not the best company when tired.

We arrived and immediately I was annoyed by the crowds. Then I remembered, that it was a three day weekend. Most brats are not in school and the working drones had a day to bug off at the theaters. Great! Just fascinating.

We bought our tickets first, waiting on line rather than purchase the tickets from the electronic station was an exercise in adjusting to the crowding situation for me. It worked out all right. Off to Applebees for a beer and appetizer while we wait for our show. We had an hour and a half before our show was to start.

It was less crowded in Applebees, than everywhere else in the entertainment mall. As a habit from my experiment with police training I counted the number of people in the room. At the bar I did the same thing and tried to relax, but I kept memorizing small details about individuals. I hate when I become like that, but hey I dealt with it.

The Bar tender was a female, with angular features, brown eyed about 5'3 110lbs, in one inch sandaled heels and a black body suit. I didn't envy her situation.

"Oh, they're playing those little girls on the radio here." O said, referring to TATU.
I had listened and regretted having my attention drawn to the annoying sounds of fast paced "Your not going to get Us."

"I guess they mean the law's not going to get them for their kiddy porn behaviors." O quipped.

"Blah, no body wants them anyway. Looking at them screwing around would have gotten people locked up." I stopped talking because I could feel myself become more grouchy. Why was I so damn grouchy.

I noticed the Bartender had looked at O twice more during the song, but didn't speak until TATU had faded away to some other innocuous preprogrammed noise.

"I'll be right with you." The Bartender said and walked away. It was at that moment that I started to pay attention to her and how she worked the Bar.

"What are you having?" O asked.

"Heineken." I said. I decided not to trust that my mixed drink would be weaker than I would want it to be.

O suggested we eat something and I settled for the venues version of buffalo wings

After the next rotation of the current song and some small political chat with O, O says,

"Hey, they're playing Kyle Minogue."

Visions of her waif thin body dancing in techno diva fashion tickled me momentarily. The Bartender had issued three mixed drinks and two drinks to other bar patrons. She had asked another patron if he wanted another drink.

Finally, she took O's order.

"Heineken and Margarita." He ordered.

"Bottle?" she asked.


She stepped away and called out, "Heineken Draft."

"No, bottle." I corrected.

She served my Heineken. She looked at O, "and you want a Strawberry Daiquiri?"

"Margarita." He corrected nicely. She said she would make it in a moment.

OK, so the service went down hill from the beginning.

Finally, the order for mild Buffalo wings arrived from the server. The boy was about seventeen, beginning dreads, skin the color of almonds. He stood about 5'10 at 155lbs.

O was discussing the PATRIOT Act, dogging its creators and I was watching the boy with our food. The boy looked at one couple who were walking away and the other couple who was still viewing the menu. He took one look at me then at O and decided we weren't the people who had ordered the appetizers. He scurried away and found the Bartender, she pointed back to O and I and the boy meekly brought our food.

He couldn't look at us directly, which I found to be strange, but then I tried to blow it off as my moodiness. The wings were Hot and not mild like we had ordered.

"You want to send it back to change it." O asked. He was not enjoying the wings. I refused to send it back.

"No, I'm going to finish my beer and leave. We're not paying for these wings either." O ordered water so we could wash away some of the taste. The Bartender had the manager remove the appetizer from our bill. No apology was offered.

Usually I am a generous tipper. I practice rewarding behaviors I like, but I also practice negative rewards for behaviors I don't like. Although, O felt strange about my decision I decided not to tip.

"No, you cannot reward this behavior or the service. " I said to O. I explained to him my observations and he realized we had sat through four song rotations before we actually had our drink orders filled.

We left and went to the local Chinese restaurant we always go to and ordered two shrimp roll appetizers and sat around chatting outdoors.

We went to see Spiderman. It was a really enjoyable movie on its own, even if you did not see the first movie. I will say that the kiss between the main characters was probably the most delicious kiss I had seen in a movie in a long time. And that boy, Mcguire has just the kind of geeky good looks that I find adorable, quivering lower lip and all.

Today. Well, the brats are all away at school or creative arts academy. All are away except for my niece. I was not really expecting her to stay the summer, so I haven't been able to find an activity for her. I was planning to use the three hour break to work out at the gym with O. But the gym we go to doesn't have childcare, so that blows. Since O's home, I'm going to leave him with the brat and go for a run before I pick up the other brats for lunch. I need an hour or two to myself. It's a nice day to run at the track.

current mood: awake

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