Thursday, January 19th, 2006
|
|
11:02 am - the circus
|
it all starts black
dressed from head to toe
the tent hidden in the night everone enter through and let the devil lead you on into the senselss night
boy staring back at me hiis eyes so dark like a rag doll through a film
yes i'm evil and i'll make you cry on parc guell
bawl and i'll conjure my tears
you're a cubist state whipped on a pole that i send for you in a postcard, stamped not mailed
bright colors to cheer you up in a bowl o grapes
and now my defeat in metal cold throne in a airport all night for the departure
yes no pity for you you pitiful creature inside me even the omega claims me cruel
and i pray to the virgin to release me and teach me kindess
and lucifer to give me talent
and i'm frightened by his name
a dissapointment and a hope
before all the circus stars go lame
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
|
Wednesday, December 21st, 2005
|
|
12:56 am
|
i stopped knowing things a long time ago
even the rain outside and your deep slumber seem improbable
afternoon came while i sketched my likeness
a likeness where they no longer existed
my inners my companions
i ask them for their preference
chemicals to null and dull
while i sketch my eyes
longing to cry
out
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
Tuesday, August 30th, 2005
|
|
11:27 pm - the new america
|
standing alone now that they are all dead
slaughtered with the neglect that was bestowed on them
a infinite wasteland
where everything falls short of expectations
where there will never be compassion for the compassionateless
only a plow shredding the veins of honest intent
in dreams all is made well again
all is made worse no normality exists in the dreamland
crying in a drunken stupor
not for the loss but for the missing of what once was
searching the concert hall for a figure unfamiliar ,but that you are in love with
inhaling the blackness and following your eyes to the horizon untill ones body is transformed
what have they metamorphasized into?
what is this shapeless form?
does it have an orgin or was the orgin always shapeless?
slowly, quickly, and once again slow the song goes
that makes us dance till our feet are raw and the barrn land
crumbles
with no hope of reconstruction
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
Friday, July 22nd, 2005
|
|
3:14 am - slow fade of love
|
explain to me how you do not miss me when my heart craves for you
explain to me how you can love him and i only you
see the problem is that you never stopped loving him even when you were with me
the problem is i fell in love with you
and i'm still in love with you even though you're back with him
and you are certain you did, do, and will only love him
and i am certain i did, do and will always love you
i'm in love with you completely and i'm afraid thats all i can do
so my life is to be this
and all the others the ones that could even suffice to quiet my heart will never want me long enough
i am doomed and god knows i need to accept this and find another way to be happy
without love
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
Thursday, May 12th, 2005
|
|
1:40 am - the wreck of the beautiful
|
kathy i am lost i said but i knew she was sleeping
i wish i wasn't the kind of person who needs to feel this gap inside me. some feel so damn competant they don't need a companions, need to feel needed and wanted. i do. i so desperately want someone to make me feel beautiful someone to comfort me and for em to comfort.
tom ims me sometimes and tells me he smelt my scent on the muni and thought of me or found the first cd i made him. why does he need to remind me of thses things. things that no longer are. hes getting sick again. i might be too i'm not sure. i keep getting shot down by all my other little pursuing episodes. i feel dejected most of the time. i fi was straight god damn this would be easier. i just need it to end. i need to get somewhere new i need to feel that way again or something close to it. the sad songs have stopped playing the reasons no longer matter the initial want for him is absent but there is now this very pronounced and defined peice of me missing. i need a filler a subsitute or a addition. oh . my pathetic lonliness. it dominates me. and it won't let me free. i have so much i want to give. and so much to gain. i loved thomas i know that now i don't think i still do or anything like that but i'm pretty sure what i felt was the closest i got to love and the feeling oh the rapture and bliss that it made me feel and then the depression and the longing. i wasn't living unless i was with him. he was all that mattered during that month. so i search and i try and all i recieve are little tugs i don't think anyone wants me like that i doubt if i was ever really wanted to begin with and i only fooled myself into thinking so. it doesn't really matter , and the chances of me ever finding the truth, of a truth actually existing is slim to none. i am off to bed. i have no one to talk to. and it seems that i seldolm do anymore. i suppose katie is the closest thing i have to a confidante, but i have no one i can just pour my heart to. and no one to call if i'm feeling down at 2 in the morning. sleep. matty . go to sleep.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
Monday, April 18th, 2005
|
|
12:28 am - i feel alon at a table of friends
|
i'm sick of boys
plain out disgusted
i wish so much to be completed ort atleast think i am
i'm alright with pretty lies i just dont' want to be lonesome
so lets see red herring is barely a friend now
kaiser's is ambiguous and wants me when hes alone, drunk and no girls are present
and smeared black ink turned me down
and all the others welll i'm not one to use people
i miss him still.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
Thursday, March 24th, 2005
|
|
8:42 am - meh
|
i am not over it. i'm better, but not over it god damn it. i wish i was ove rhim. it'd be a whole hell of alot easier if i could settle for one of the other guys who are interested, and although i do like the idea of pursuing jason, i can't get tom out of my head. how can i when he once wrote these things
"Afterwards it was time for me to work, so Matt came with me and we went shopping at Trader Joes then stood on the pier for a good long bit. He makes me too happy to even be real. Nobody has ever done this. Gah. No gushing on lj, its a rule. All I have to say is that despite the goods i came home with today (Sailor Moon clock, Divine Comedy CD, Quills DVD, Trader Joes Sesame Sticks), nothing, nothing, nothing compares to the incredible feeling I get coming home knowing that I have a caring, beautiful boyfriend. "
and i go back and read these entries, i go back and read my old emails, and i can't have hime. its been a month and a half since i've seen him, a month since i've spoke to him on the phone, and about a week since i talked to him online. i know i sacred him off, " too clingy" to weird i know i'm neurotic. but gargh. i've never felt anything like i did for tom, and the more time that elapses the more i'm certain its not just b/c of my first, but that i really liked/ couldve loved him. oh i wish i could have got to love him. i'm almost convinced i did/do. but alas he must detest me and i must deal with it and move on. i have such good self dicipline. i never ask abotu him anymore, i never call or im or email, i know that eventually he'llpas from me, but oh god no i don't wan tit i only want him. i'd give up my left arm to have him back, well maybe not litterally, but you get the general idea. how could one week he say that i've mad ehim the happiest he's ever felt, that he cares for me so much,and then a wek later decide to end it? and then decide to write me off. it hurts so bad. i feel so spurned, but i can't be angry at him, myself yes, but him eeeeh crushed but not angry, if he asked me back though i couldn't say yes. i know that. i couldn't risk doing this all over again. atleast not right away. i'd of course love to be his firend and maybe a bit more i don't know... i am terribly attracted to him , but yeah even if he wanted me, i'm not sure if i could want him back just like that, in time yes. hes still all i think about, and when ever i have a free moment i thinkm of him and try to relive each blissful memory in my head. its all i have left of it. sigh. i need to end all this. its getting me no where.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
Sunday, March 6th, 2005
|
|
9:14 pm - he hates me, he hates me not
|
|
i think he plain out despises me. he hasn't made contact of any sort in a week. he hates me with a passion. and i'm unable to feel anything for him besides this huge desire. i don't get it. i feel so wretched. and now what? i could be a monk or a slut now. which is it.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
Tuesday, February 22nd, 2005
|
|
10:37 pm - the closest we get to religion
|
|
i very much detest going back to a single identily. i very much liked being a we feeling like a belonged that someone wanted me. it is a very hard feeling to surrender. and i have no desire to rebuild my single hood all over again. but i have no real choice in the matter do i.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
Monday, February 21st, 2005
|
|
11:07 pm - conclusions
|
|
i have to come to some sort of closure for atleast the time being otherwise i'll go fucking loop de loop. i kinda sorta mighta scared him off the other day. i went to the city and i was at state most of the afternoon with a trip to union square to see the parade and meeet up with heeny. i was unable to though and so i wen tback to state with the manny guy. hes a really nice kid. a bit quiet but nice. andit wasn't that i didn't find him attractive and it was obvious he was interested when we were huddled together but i couldn't kiss him. i just kept wanting it to be tom. so number one thats awfully unfair to another person and number two it would just make me feel worse. i'm glad though. it taught me i'm not ruled between my legs, but with my heart. and tom has my heart which could be justr as dangerous for me. so i called him at a muni station. to see if he wanted to hang out. he didn't he had plans. and did not want me. i kinda pleaded. it was immature, innappriate, and as he told me later over the top. i felt rejected and undesirable. like the biggest piece of shit. people have told me i'm out of his league. silly gay boys who i beleive to want me for some reason or another. but i don't think so at all. tom has one of these wonderfully magnetic personalities that you are just drawn to. when i first met him i was happy becuase i though hes the nicest guy ever. he isn't liek the type of epeople i usually fall for which i though twas weird. well i think i proved myself wrong. hes undersatnding and passionate and just like every person i fall for. he was what i've always been after but couldn't get. and i don't think i was able to see this before. and like all people i like they usually liek me in return for a short while and tire of me quickly. its a curse. i have a curse. and its never going to go away. and it will make me lonely and bitter. so now i will not call tom unless he calls me. i will not im him unless he ims me, i willnot text nor will i email him unless he does it to me first. i will mimic his actions. when he wants my company he will have to seek me out and i willll most likely be there. but untill then i must deem myself abandoned and become a pretty lonely thing.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
Tuesday, February 15th, 2005
|
|
10:27 am - content for the time being
|
|
i went on a a suprise valentines date last night. it went well. i talked to tom. it was a bit awkward taking into consideration the last time we saw eachother and the context of it. i enjoyed seeing him though. i took this long walk through the city where we've walked a few times. pausing behind column where we kissed. it was my way of saying goodbye to the hopes and romantic notions i held in my head. perhaps i'm less of a visionary and a true person becuase of it but hey now i can be alot colder and well accept where i am. i do miss him an incredible amount. but i am content for the time being seeing him on occasion and well being with him when tima allows it. i've talked to others and recieved emails and such from others but i am uinable to stand anyone else for very long. they all seem to fall short of tom. he seems so much now more than ever to be an ideal person. but i'm patient and can be perfectly at ease. and i willsecretly pray that i will be revived one of these days, if he realizes he wants me. all of me. i know its sad. pathetic perhaps. but is what i choose. and if i'm able to without it tearing me into two then so be it.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
Friday, February 11th, 2005
|
|
6:21 pm - alright
|
|
i don't know whats going on!!!! i don't know what he's thinking. is he sinscere when he says things to me or is he just being guil tripped and tell me nice lies so that i don't do something drastic. which i don't think i would. but jesus teh avoiding me online ( or atleast i percieve this) and then reandomly texting me. i want to call but to bring up such matters would only make him think that i'm still in bad shape, and not that i'm in great shape but i'm doing ok. god fucking damn it! i hate games! they should die! and i see pictures of him drinking in bay view and it hurst b/c i misss him soo much. and i want to leave cute little comments like i recognize this and that and mmmm well i would think of somehting to say. but i can't. and i hate the fact that b/c the title's changed my whole approach to him must change even though he apparantly stilll likes me. whether thats true? i don't know i wish i could beleive it it would make me feel better to know its not completely one sided. he cried though. that means somehting right. icouldn't have meant nothing at all to him. could i? has he moved on so fast. i'm gonna call in a bit yes. thats what i'll do. i'll be casual and natchalaunt. and pray he'll ask me for truths so i can ask him for his.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
Wednesday, February 9th, 2005
|
|
11:53 pm - nooooooo
|
|
i hate this i hate this i hate the way i'm feeling. so rejected and unimportant. tossed aside and avoided. i feel like my sister and rennie is avoiding her afraid she''l blow up at him. i don't like this. i can not start over with someone else. tonight this guy wanted to talk on the phone with me i said tomorrow night. i cant get to know anyone else. not like that. its painful still. i can't stand this its way ove rmy head. and i know big woop de doo a fucking month. but god! i came out for him, and i beleived in him so much and he spoke of the future when i would talk to him till 5 in th morning. and i would lay next to him. and stare at him while he slept and i like belonging and feeling for the first time wanted. no ones ever wanted me. and well maybe its still true. hes turned out liek all the others and me now obsessed and waiting for him to call, text im, visit, and when it comes its quick and brief and i can't be to him who i wan tto be and i have to be clever and a wordy friend. i can't be sweet and tell him i miss him i can't tell him what i would do to him if he was here i or was there. i can't call him really. its been two days since i heard his voice. i listined to a message of his like 15 times over and over again so that it was as if he had some sort of a real conversation with me. oh god i'm so fucking sick. my parents are worried and try to make me eat. i think i've developed an eating disorder. scratch that i have. my distortrd ideas but never strong diet conviction have left and i no longer am even tempted by food and th emore i think about it th emore easily i can avoid it. now diagnosed i can follow the descriptions of the disease accurately. and for what. so i can be sick skinny cut up and drunk all the time. so ic an control something is my best theory. perhaps i also want sympathy from him for him to see me and take me in his arms and tell me i'm too small and stay with me till i'm well like a little fucking sappy child starving for attention. i don't know what i want ????? stupid freshamn and their immature inconsistant ways. why ???? i don't want someone else to take this pain away. its possible that the pain is the last mark he'll ever give me. ( i don't want to be unfair though, alot of this stems from other dilemmas as well such as bompies death, its just easier being resentful at things which might possibly change than those that are set in stone)
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
Tuesday, February 8th, 2005
|
|
11:20 pm - you will probally never read this even though i've hinted to you i write things here
|
|
even though he's not going to dissapear or desert me it still hurst that all of a sudden i have to stop calling him mine, stop typing kiss in every text message and im. stop progressing and regress 5 steps back. i don't want to meet new people and date them. i just want to be tom's and tom mine. i don't care if things are shitty for a while. all that matters is well that i have hime an dhe me. fuck this is going no where. i feel better and i can talk to him without crying and i have all these plosts and schemes to get him back to where we were. but in the end its all up to him. and what if? what if? oh the dreaded what ifs.......
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
Friday, January 14th, 2005
|
|
11:42 pm - you tossed your dime in first and by the time i threw mine in yours had already disappeared beneath
|
|
i just got home from another date with tom. by far my favorite and the one that will remain the most vivid for me. but why do i feel so fucking sad all of a sudden. i like him. i like him alot. i want to be his boyfriend. but for some reason i can't help doubting that his opinion of me is less than he displays. i don't want to be his time filler. his winter quarter boy. i want to be his boy. his one and only in mind. not a pretty fuck or a confidence booster. ugh i know if i was the adult he craves i might stand more of a chance. if i had a mystery. if i wasn't such a fucking baby immature and niave with this whole relationship thing. the difference between where we are in our lives is astounding. i am him last yr know doubt the insecure little senior struggling to stay afloat of his own sanity and situation in life. not able to be the dependant care giver i want to be and he wishes i was. i know this with out his saying so. ok ok maybe i imagine all of these feeelings. maybe i hope i do. but it all stems from this. the fact that i care much more for him than he does for me. in a way he told me this. or in my twisted mine i percieved this. we were walking back towards market from a lovely dinner and explicit visit to a book shop. mmmmmm. when we were speaking about rufus wainwright's song pretty things. in which there is a line of how h elikes pretty lies. and tom spoke about his realtion to this song. of how guys hes dated he has felt more for than they felt for him and how he loved thier lies to cover this. i told him he didn't have to worry about it with me as i tuggged at his sweater with one arm in his pocket embracing his hand. he said he knew he knew and he can't even quote it to me b/c its so out of context. and then i crossed the lines. i am trying har dnot to i havn't asked him if i'm his bf yet and i havn't asked dumb things like where we're going and why he likes me. even though i wish he would tell me these things honestly and with out his clever wording that makes a rag doll look stunning. what i said then was no don't worry abou tthat at all its most likley the other way with us. fuck me! and he was silent for a second. double fuck!!!!!! and then replies with a no no trying to repair the damage in my head. no i won't take that i won't have such talk. and i knew he resented that i drove it ou tof him. its ok baby i said i know i know and its ok. it is ok too, i knew this i just wish he could be straight with me about it. now hopefully i'm wrong. i pray i'm wrong. and if not i hope his appetite, his fondness and esteem towards me will grow in time. that we will be safe atleast till st. Pattys day....... longer pleasssse. but with my luck it will dwindle no doubt. i saw in his eyes that he wished it differently. he likes me i know that.hes attracted to me i know that. but will he grow bored with me. i'm not any donnie darko i'm not nearly so stimulating or beautiful. and i'm not delivering sexually like he would probally desire either. its like in say anything when he asks " do you want me, or just someone?" am i just someone to have or is it me he wants to have. he said he wanted me. but that was inbeetween kisses. and i know his body needs those. but today i was the happiest hes ever seen me. and i was foolish an silly. mor emy casual self and open. but i don't know if he liked it that i wasn't up on my gaurd. god all i see is me me me. fuck i like tom. hes funny and corny sometimes but he makes me laugh. anbd oh i love to laugh. and i'm so turned on by him. his text messages alone send images of him through my head that give me orgasms, i want him all the time and his body and his voice. i love feeling it wheni'm with him and then afterwards when i can still taste and smell him. i don't know i'm one sick puupy i know. its jsut the first time i felt something real and not a pathetic crush. i want this to last. for a while anyways. i want to be valued as i want to value him soooo much. if he wil let me.
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
|
Tuesday, December 7th, 2004
|
|
7:56 pm
|
|
|
Thursday, November 18th, 2004
|
|
9:02 pm
|
|
i can't beleive you missed it. i cried. the whole episode was seth and marissa talking about there problems. being friends and sharing a bench. is it a sign? call me when you get home from rehearsals
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
|
5:58 pm - i like john mayer but hes not emo
|
ha i was just tuning out while watching mass media of mtv when carson daily called john mayer so emo. it was hillarious!!!
anyways back to important thoughts. today was such a absolutely shitty day. i realize now that it was only shitty because i dwelt within my own thoughts for the majority of it. i kept thinking of how my relationship with courtney has gotten so twiste, how fay will never decide if she acctually likes me and so that i will never ever get to the peoint of askinbg her out or something similar. and how i was jealous of her being attracted to others like the hypocrite i am as i went to school and did the same. and then there's the whole my sister is fucking up in school again and my parents are going to go bezerk on her soon. and how the world is just having jerks run it and then every evil started coming out from the sahdows in my brain where they lurk. but as susan said i need to see the dead birds in the garden with the flowers around it. susan you are such a nice person. your commenting lets me feel a sense of worth. thank you.
so i came home and tried to rouse myself from this storm i was being thrown about in. so i'm sorry kids for ebing so emo and sad like today. i know i was a drag to be sure. hopefully tomorrow i'lll be in better spirits and what not. so i think i need to talk to courtney. to settle that. i left a comment on my blurty after hers but i erased it . i said some pretty truthful but harsh stuff in it. i'm glad i deleted it now. but i'll have to tell her my thoughts eventually all the same. i hope it all resolves itself. and my freckeles dilemma. well i guess thats kinda out of my hands. i guess if i really want to know whats going on i should straight out ask. oh well. i'm excited to go to cake regardless what her feelings are for me. friend or more than friend. i just wish i knew what i am meant to be. i wish i knew how i am to live all of this out. i wish i knew the out come. impossible to be sure.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
Wednesday, November 17th, 2004
|
|
8:51 pm
|
|
hurry hurry people time is running out if you have a menaingful question to ask me.. just kidding i'll always be pleased to answer any questions you might have in my so infinite knowledge. anyways live journal sucks the hours away i realize i sit here hours on end looking to see if anyone updates its sucha a dumb obsession. i should just call and talk to you kids if i want to know whats going on in one of your lives or want to talk with someone about mine. but you see journals are so elequent so formal. so intriguing with this flare that is given off, unique to each person that makes them a real writer, a real artist if you will so perhaps i am just driven to want to see my friends create art. i am sad courtney had not called me back. why? why? i want to speak with her. i want to laugh with her as we once did! i went on a run today. a long one by all are old haunts. the play ground, the skate park, the lot where the mid way of fun carnival was. i wanted to cry. i kept seeing couples in the distance hoping it would be her and kevin. i kept praying. i need you to call m. i have questions, i have stories to tell. i miss having you as my supreme confidant, as my advisor, as my dearest friend. there is no one to make inside jokes with. i started talking about kona today before i realized only you would get the joke. it so reminds me of make war
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
|
|
8:50 pm - art class bad ass
|
yeah so anyways i'm bored in art class. as the class is just me and kelly today. we turned in our paintings today. i totally suck compared to the benson twins. they are so fucking unbeleivable!!!!! i feel so inadequate next to them and their brilliant art. so school today is alright. i've talked quite a bit with fay fay today. hee heehh it rhymes. hmmm garden state soundtrack is really good i still havn't seen that movie. i may go see bridget jonessy with fay today or later this week that should be good times and then i'm so stoaked for cake on saturday with her. it will be beyond amazing.!
current mood:  amused
current music: garden state soundtrack
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|