Blurty for paul.
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| Friday, July 2nd, 2004 |
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Have you ever been toung tied to the point that you know exactly what you want to say but just don't know how in the world to say it thats how I felt last night. I was talking to this guy ( no I will not say names) and I felt that the conversation was going really deep and just when I wanted to tell him that I miss him my mind goes blank. UGGGGGGG. GROW SOME BALLS PAUL!!!! Anyway im going back down to florida for a day or two and im going to spend the night with him hopefully I will be able to tell him how I really feel. Just hope that the feelings are the same. I swear being gay now a days is not as easy as it may seem, yea its more acceptiable, but when your a 24yr old gay male with feelings for someone that you really care about. You tend to be a little on edge with the fear of rejection, or worse what if you tell them and they get really weirded out and then you can no longer even be friends. I know what your thinking and No!!! Im not a drama queen!!! I have been really hurt in the past when I put my feelings out in the open, so now its a little hard too get myself to do. Today in general REALLY SUCKED!!! Did everything by myself with NO help what so ever. In the end it was just another day where knowone really cared how you were doing or even knowing the fact that I busted my ass. To make it all worse not a single person said thank you (now isn't that some shit). School was just school fell asleep during lecture thanks to whoever for a lil invention called a recorder ( i don't know do U). Other than that nothing really special. Just another hetic day where everything moves so fast and you feel lie your moving in slow motion. LOL...I know thats life. Just wish it would slow down just enuff so that the world would not see me as just another grain of sand on a beach, but more of the gem on the shore waiting to be found. well later...I guess |
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| Tuesday, June 29th, 2004 |
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Well today was intresting, well at least this morning was. I was awoke to a knocking at my door the cops my roomates got into it and all hell broke loose. Other than that it was nothing than another day for another dollar, too many fake smiles and way too many how are u doing today ohh im fine or great, I just want to look at them and say im insuferably depressed. Im alone yet still and come home to nothing but my cpu and tv (WOW what an exciting life) 0 messages as always and small room in a small town with what little I own. Some say its all good at least im still breathing, I just wonder what the purpose of it all is. Why should I even breath, not that im susidal or anything just wish that my life wasn't always me and a friend or just me, sometimes im left to wonder am I that undesierable that I can't find a boyfriend or even better a husband to love me in return, SOooooo tired of felling like a notch on a bedpost, but I guess that is life and IT SUCKS!!!! On the lighter side I got an "A" on my describtive essay, college sucks but I suppose its for a greater good much like my pain others seem to always benefit from my losses. I talked to my mother today BIG acomplishment and ill tell you why... When I was 16 I came out to my family all seemed to be cool untill my father found out via my mother to make a long drawn out story short it eneded in me being kicked out on my ass with nothing but a few pair of clothes and about 20 bucks in my pocket. I litterly had nothing! Now nearly 8 years later she has a divorce and wants me back in her life...YAY!!! I have always loved my mother and at the sametime never forgave her for not sticking up to my father (sperm donar). Now I think that she truly wants me back in her life ya know the way we used to be like best friends... But who knows I go back to Florda on the 6&7 to see her.. and we will have to see. But hey im outta here go surf the web and shit later |
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| Monday, June 28th, 2004 |
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Have you ever meant someone that at first glance, the world is no longer such a dark and lonley place? I did this past weekend! Everything about him was absoultly serene...He was to me the defination of beautiful in every aspect mind, body, and spirit. Within three days we shared more than I have in the last three months... Its funny the way life works, it will put everything that you ever hope for and dream about right in front of your face and tease you with it, then in the blink of an eye its all gone. I wanted so much to tell him what I was feeling yet everytime I opened my mouth there were no words to describe it. Now that I look back on it I would have said (Anthony I wish you could hear this) Nothing in life would make me happier than to be the one person in your life that you could wake up too, to smile with, to comfort you when your sad, to congradulate you on every accomplishment (big or samll) too be the one to say I love you and mean it with every fiber of my being. Who ever knows how the future will work out. Perhaps all will be fine (ohhh! hopefull dreams) then again I may very well be the one that stays single only to love and never to be loved in return. Well I guess im off to bed alone only to wake up alone and somehow muster up the courage to face the world yet again. Only in the end to realize that im still single and alone. Or perhaps not wake up at all.. uggg all this depresing shit on my shoulders I will get over it just the same as I got on it g'night |
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Had one of the most enjoyable weekends ever but still all the same I feel a loss. Why is it when you meet someone that takes your breath away, you always seem to gasp in the end. With me I went to florida and meant probally the most wonderfull person I think could possibly exist in this world. We spent the weekend togher and I feel like the attraction was magnetic, sheer electricity shutterrred my jaws when he touched me and every hair on my body stood on end... I mean the sex was absoluty mind bowing but, to me there was so much more we laughed at a movie and cuddled during the rain, he held me even when he didn't have to, and for some reason we smiled at the sight of one another. He treated me like a person not a trophy. He made me feel special even if only for that weekend, it will be the one weekend that I will never forget. Then it came time to leave back up hear to my life, its like you have everything for one breif moment then its gone. I have been hurt before but now I feel empty, hurt, and broken from head to toe. I want so much to tell him how I feel but afraid of rejection. I HATE being me!!! pain, despair, doubt, all over lonley...WHAT TO DO!!! Perhaps things will work out in the end(ohh hopefull dreams)just wish that I could wake up in the morning to his smile, ohh how that would make my world. I use to feel like my life was a broken mirror never to see beauty in its reflection only the broken shards that were my heart, and for that weekend I stared at the very defination of beauty and love. Anthony if only I had the strenght to say these words to you I would. I would tell you that I would love to be the one person in your life, to wake up too, too hold you, too comfort you when your sad and to congraulate on all your acomplishments big or small and to love you with all my heart, mind, and soul...Life has a way of being so complicated just wish I could change everything with the wave of a wand...But then again who knows I may very well end up being the one that stays single only to love but never be loved... Anyway I am going to bed alone, only to wake up alone, and somehow muster up the strengh to face another day, to force a smile, and laugh like its funny..HELL thats life even when you in a relationship, Just would be so much easier if he were by my side. |
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Blurty for paul.
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