Gold Dragon

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You are viewing 7 entries, 25 into the past.

11th May 2003

3:38pm: Why is life as it is?
Why shouldn't it be. I saw *her* a couple days ago. I was so happy and yet so sad. It was pathetic. We both wanted to hug each other but we didn't. It makes me wanna laugh. I can't believe how akward it was. It can only get better. Now a good question arises... I promised her a radio cord not to long ago but now that we aren't to communicate how do I fulfill my promise? The exact promise was... "When I find the cord, I will give it to you." Well the problem is that which has been stated, Do I give it to her and break the non-communication pact? Or not give it to her and break the promise I gave her? I got to talk with Micki, I miss those talks, anyway she's just the same girl I remember but there was one thing that bugs me... She is girly but, as with most of the females in ODV, she isn't at all as girly as emmanuel or ewwomanuel. I have work in about anhour and 15 min and Adam the person that told me he would pick me up isn't here and it takes about 45 minutes to get to work. Am I mad? Heck YEAH. I already have too many points. I can't afford more. I might just call in personal or dependant because I am not going to make it.

7th May 2003

6:23pm: Next stop Insanity (or something close)
Well, now that I have time I'm gonna vent to all you wonderful people who are reading my journal.

I'm pissed. Why the heck are there people who I see that deserve each other and they are so scared of something that they don't have the guts to say anything to the person they like. Who knows, you might even fall for the person. Better yet they might just fall for you. why am I pissed? because I know about 4 couples, where one of them won't even take a chance. (And no I am not talking about myself) What the heck, make a mistake. Who cares what other people think? If you get hurt, at least you got hurt by someone you thought you might have feelings for and not a complete stranger. Learn from your mistakes. Don't sit as time goes by, watching and waiting for the perfect opportunity because nothing is perfect, except Jehovah God.

You have no idea how stupid people act when they are afraid. They watch as people die. They watch as friends get hurt. They watch as they themselves get hurt. Fear is all in the mind, as it is with most things but one thing that I don't understand is how not one of the couples that I mentioned above use their hearts. I have many mottos and sayings, but the one that I always stand by is: "If you use your mind you might fail, but if you use both your mind and your heart you can never go wrong."

I think my vent session is over so now I can bore you with the rest of my thoughts.

So I was thinking about this whole thing with the one who can make me happy beyond all feeling and I don't think I could ever let her go but I have to. Not necessarily "drop her like she's hot," but just let her be herself. I hope she and I can someday be together and I hope that she has the strength and patience for me. And since I can't tell her personally maybe she will find out about this site and read this:

Although I love you beyond all thought and all feeling I know that we must part. Because I cannot be what you need at this very moment I must go. Until the day that I am complete and until the time when both you and I are ready, my heart and thoughts will belong to you and only you. Good Bye my love.
Current Mood: peaceful
6:09pm: Now stopping on the -8th floor, The Malebolge.
I just took Dante's Inferno Test and here are my results.

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Eighth Level of Hell - the Malebolge!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
LevelScore
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)High
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)Low
Level 2 (Lustful)Low
Level 3 (Gluttonous)Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)Moderate
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)Low
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)High

Take Dante's Inferno Hell Test
Current Mood: worried

6th May 2003

2:34pm: And Then Life Began Anew
The clouds gathered over the small 3 bedroom condo as Roger, the "Nice guy," sits at the computer writing in an online journal. He looks at his surroundings trying to find his center, the place where his thoughts and his soul becomes one. He begins to type not knowing what to write but his hands seem to have a life of their own. He seems to watch as his fingers tap on the keys not knowing what is going to be written on the page but it doesn't matter.

Well, Let's see. Today I had the greatest conversation. But you wouldn't guess who I was talking to. Me. I had the greatest conversation with myself. I know I'm not the greatest person in the world and correct me if I'm wrong but I'm not even a great guy. I'm just trying to be me. I want to be a part of something great but I am just not good enough.

I feel helpless and hopeless. I want to say so many things to one person but I can't. I want to just give one last gift, but I can't. The last time I broke the rules all hell broke loose. So I think I'm going to stay within the lines. Well enough for now maybe I'll write again later.
Current Mood: amused

4th May 2003

2:24pm: Life getting better?
Well it's been a while and I don't know how I'm going to be able to live. Well yeah sure you are thinking, "What the hell does this guy have to be all depressed and crap for?" Well mostly two reasons.
1. I work at Disnyland, where your job depends on how well you can hide how crappy a day you are having, or in my case, how crappy a life I am having.
2. The woman I am, in her words, "Butt-crazy in love with" decided that we shouldn't communicate with each other.
Am I bitter? No.
Am I mad? No.
Am I sad? Yes.
Am I depressed? Yes.
Am I crazy? Yes. Butt-crazy in love with her. I can't help but go along with it.
I think for her sake it was the right thing to do, but with me I can't take it. I need the communication because without it I feel left out. Not able to talk to her is absolutly killing me, but I know that it will all be okay.

Well I've been talking to someone in my department a lot lately and we are very close. We talk about our problems and we have vent sessions constantly. I think that is what is keeping me alive for the moment. Who knows maybe I won't "hang myself from the gallows in Pirates." Yeah Joe, that was a tribute to you buddy. Hehe.

Anyway, I've learned a lot about myself over the past couple of months, a lot of it being good but I have to say that I am still the same old me. The little Klepto boy from all those years ago. Instead of stealing mechandise I steal hearts. Yeah Nina I admit it I am a ladies-man. I believe that people are pretty in their own way and they should know just how much I apprieciate their company. Although I do mean it, I don't mean for people to completely fall head over heels for me (hopefully they don't. I hate attention). There is only one girl that I want to fall head over heels for me and I think she already has.

Good side note, Micki and I are at least talking now. Hopefully we can be close friends like we were before. Since she's in my department now I know things are going to be so much fun.

I think I make my life sound all horribly awful but you should know it isn't. My life is great. My love life sucks, but hey at least I have one. 8-) Besides, who really has a love life? I don't know that many people that have a good one. Sex is a good thing but it shouldn't be the basis for a relationship. I mean hell I'm still a virgin, and proud. Who knows what kinds of diseases people have? and let's not get into a bio lesson but anyway a relationship should be about communication, love and most of all friendship. Without friendship you can't appreciate the love you have for each other.

Another thing, two words that go in the same sentence: heck and JR
Example: What the heck are you thinking JR?
Two words that don't go in the same sentence: Audra and (insert name here)
Example: (insert name here) likes Audra.

Much props to JR. Hope your dreams (or nightmares) come true.
Current Mood: hopeful

1st May 2003

4:32pm: The quiet asian guy strikes again
Hey, you know, I had a very enlightening conversation last night with a really close friend last night. I psychoanalyzed (not really because I didn't use what she has told me of her, I used the usual technique) *If you want to know then all you have to do is ask, but be aware I don't just tell everyone.* Anyway with that said... I don't really know how well I did because usually when I "psychoanalyze" people I am clear-minded and relaxed but as of late I can't say that I'm clear-minded or relaxed.

How Do You Know If Life Is Messed Up?

It always has been, it always is and it always will be. How can anyone pretend that life is great? Rich people hate being rich. Poor people hate being poor, and the "Middle-classed" want to get a raise. People all over the world are starving and yet children are having children. You know things have been really getting to me lately. A lot of things. Like how Disney is so messed up. Now all they want is money and more money. Yet if they were running a business for the guests and not themselves they would find the revenue skyrocket. Things like that. But I have to say that the one thing that bugs me the most is that as of right now my life rests in the hands of one person. She doesn't know how much power she has over me yet by this time two days from now I might not be so happy and right now I'm miserable. Although I am trying to just get through the rest of my days.

What the hell am I talking about?

Well it's simple. I've lost the two most important people in my life.
One, the girl I wish I can call my own. The one person who makes me so happy that I can't explain in words the joy I get from her just being there.
The other, a girl who can snap me out of the fantasy world I've lived in for so long. The one person that has the ability to set me straigt without hurting the fragile mind housed in this husk I used to call human.

Why? you ask. Simply because, once again, my emotions got the better of me. It wasn't because I was with someone else. Had it been I could just move on, but it was because love is the strongest emotion and to deny it would almost be wrong. But in this case we were. We wish that we hadn't got so close to each other. I should probably explain... Both are Jehovah's Witnesses and Witnesses are not allowed to be with those who are not witnesses. I am currently studying to become a witness, yet it is taking longer than I had expected. Which brings me to the point I am not a Witness. She and I were very close but we shouldn't have been.

Now why is this all kinds of not good? Because I, as of this moment, have taken a break from studying to heal the wounds that were made when all this drama happened. I know it may not be the best thing to do but right now but I see only what the other has done to me. And it really doesn't help that when I went to go check out the Kingdom Hall in Downey (eh... Downey, I don't like Downey) Two brothers approached me and it really seemed they were going to take the flashlights they were carrying and shove it where the sun don't shine. Well anyway I think it best that I talk to someone in the congregation before I do anything.
She thinks that if she doesn't push me or be there for me that I won't finish. She's wrong. I've wanted to find out more about witnesses for so long now that I laugh because if I were one already none of this would have happened. But it did.

Why else have I been so down lately?

Well then there's my friend J. When I say something LISTEN. I don't say anything unless it serves two purposes. One because I care and two because It's TRUE. Why is there a problem? Two words, Five letters total: A Girl. Nuff Said. (Sorry Ladies)

Work sucks. Too much drama. It's like high school all over again. If it weren't for the fact that I have great friends and I love the guests I'd quit. Well that's enough for now.
Current Mood: depressed

29th April 2003

8:11pm: First Entry Hehehehe...
This is my first entry, as the title shows, and stuff happens. I won't be able to write in this as much as I may want to but this is my life. Well first off my life sucks (doesn't everybody's?) and the life that I want to live is just beyond reach. I can't believe how far I've come from the little asian boy that was quiet and never really had friends. Now I have all kinds of friends, so many sometimes I can't remember who it was I was talking to, not to mention I am loud and crazy at times. Hehehehe. Besides, life would be pretty boring if you don't have fun.

Well, I have too many problems in my life and maybe one day I may just post them here but until then you'll just have to wait and see.

I saw Identity last night. Very good movie. It had a great story, although it may be hard to follow. And it was really suspenseful. For me it was very predictable. It is a Horror/Suspense/What The Hell type movie. But I'll let you watch and you'll see.

I'm writing a Sci-Fi story and I'm going to try and get it published when it's complete but until then... Blah.

I know, pretty boring, but if I told you everything now you'd either want to read more or smack me across the face.

That's all for now until I can get back on or something.
Current Mood: Now where's my dog?
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