Selena's Journal
20 posts back

Date:2011-04-13 15:16
Subject:todays ramblings

I’m not sure what I’m feeling other than a bit of despair. When I read the Bible, in Psalms it was a person crying out for help, that they were drowning in deep, deep water. To some degree I feel that way. I know I owe my husband an amends, many probably, but I’m unwilling and angry, and honestly don’t know where to start.

In terms of his parenting, I feel he’s too rigid, too harsh and the idea he would cut off his child breaks my heart to the core, it’s so contrary to what I believe, to where I believe Christ has called us to be.

Things I do know and recognize…our financial situation is not a “selena” only thing. We are a team but sometimes I do feel it’s uneven. I feel he doesn’t have deadlines or quotas or bosses or co workers or customers and their bullshit. I’m jealous of that to some degree.
I know my job would not be possible were it not for him.
I want Ernie to acknowledge I’m a good mom. When he’s angry, I’m pitiful and do everything wrong, it makes me feel I can’t trust him.
Financially I’ve made lots of huge mistakes, but the IRS situation is not mine alone, he was as removed from it as I was.
Isa – I’m a hypocrite. I want him to do well, but I’m resentful, primarily because of his sister. I don’t want Isa to have a chance because I’m selfish and hateful.
I feel so alone.

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Date:2011-04-11 13:05
Subject:i'm full of anger and hate and despair

Lord, why do I have to go through these trials? What did I do to warrant a husband who is so full of venom? That he would cut off his first born son? I feel no matter what I do, I can't win with him, that I'm a loser and worthless. I hate that feeling and it makes me want to eat so much. Please help me father!

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Date:2011-03-31 10:04
Subject:Good morning Lord

What a rain storm we are having here...I really love days like skies, thunder claps, it's the best kind of day:)

I want to thank you for my life and ask you to reveal to me what you want me to know. You know I have questions, the more I read the word, the more I don't know, but I know all will be revealed in time. Thank you beyond words for the beautiful souls you've given me to raise. I love my babies so much and ask for restoration in our family. I pray for my children and for Isa, that you would mold him and take him for your own.

I praise your name! PRAISE YOU!
In Jesus Name,

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Date:2011-03-21 06:17
Subject:Good morning Lord

Hello Father...I praise your name and thank you for another day. I ask that you be withme today, I need your strength and guidance, I need your peace and lovingkindness. Father I praise you name and thank you for everything I have, my job, my marriage, my children, my home, my warm bed. I thank you that I can pay my bills and enjoy a nice lifestyle and I am thankful I can extend my home to my nephew Isaias. I thank you for him, he has a good heart and tries really hard to do the right thing. Please bless him father!

I love you Lord and ask that you be with George, he was mentioned on my OA loop as being close to death and not knowing you Lord, I ask that you touch him and send people to help usher him into your presence, I pray for his soul Lord.

I pray for restitution of my marriage and the relationship between Ernie and Josh Lord. That you would soften their hearts Lord. I pray for willingness to continue in my eating plan and help throughout this week as CTIA is near. Please help me to eat properly and make solid choices. I thank you Lord for never giving up on me and for loving me when I'm not lovable. Thank you my Holy Father...thank you for my family, thank you for my health, thank you for my new church and the power and strength of Pastor Scott. I love you Father!

In Jesus name,

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Date:2011-02-25 06:41
Subject:Lord I am in despair

Josh told us he is pursuing Ama and my husband is cutting him off. All the turmoil of the past years has returned and I ask that it be eliminated as quickly as it came. I pray that Josh will turn away from her and her family. That he will fall out of love for her and move to something new and better. Lord if this is NOT your will, I ask simply that your will be done. Lord I'm so afraid, afraid for my family for my marriage for my husband's salvation oh Lord. Help me please father I pray to thee, I beg of you from the bottom of my heart don't leave me feeling this way, I am coming to you and laying it all before you. Please I beg of you, heal this rift.

In Jesus name!

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Date:2011-01-05 13:18
Subject:Hello Father

Well I just hung up with Samantha...I'd called to check on her friend Kathy, when she shared she continues to have problems with her husband's drinking and spending. Lord I really hope he can get some help, because I want them to be happy.

I am reaching out to you today to say THANK YOU for everything you do for me...I'm undeserving, but you love me anyway. I am reading your word and yes...there are more questions than answers, but it feels good to be in your word and presence. Please know in my heart, although I'm confused sometimes, I do know you are the only one true God, awesome, mighty and everlasting.

I pray for my marriage to continue to grow strong, I pray for Ernie's soul and relationship with you. I pray for the children, their hearts, protect them. Please improve the situation with Josh's school and basketball...touch him and keep him Lord. Please make the taste of sin sour for him.

In Jesus Holy and precious name I pray,

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Date:2010-12-30 07:48
Subject:Good morning Lord

I can't believe another day has come and gone and I'm abstinent! Praise God in the highest! Thank you for loving me no matter what and thank you for your never ending providence.

Today I want to pray for Kathy O'brien, she and her husband are divorcing and she's in a bad way. Lord please help her get through this without using food, restricting or drugs/alcohol. Help heal her heart father.

Lord please help my vacation situation and let us put out a great RFI (without my input) so we are successful.

Thank you father for my kids...please protect them all, including Isa...let them all be healthy and sweet and loving. In Jesus name,

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Date:2010-12-28 09:20
Subject:Good Morning Lord....I'm abstinent!

Thank you Lord for taking me through Christmas without my head in a toilet. I love you so much and praise you every moment for your grace! Thank you for bringing my baby home for Christmas and allowing us to enjoy our time together and even get an extra day. I love you and praise you. Please Lord continue to protect him as he is a mighty man of God and loves you so...protect his heart and mind and put in front of him the woman you would have for him please Lord. Please help the Burke situation and help him begin to really shine.

Lord I pray for Gabriel and his weight and Kennedy and her reading project, please help them. Please help Isa, I'm sure it's not easy for him to be away from his mom and help the situation with his dad and brothers. Please touch my numbers this year and help me exceed my goal so I can continue to make my money and get out of debt. Please help us find a church and forigve us our shortcomings and sins.

I love you and thank you for OA and all my friends, please be with those who are still suffering in and out of the rooms.

In Jesus Christ's holy and precious name!

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Date:2010-12-24 07:36
Subject:Lord, please be near us all

Father a young girl and her sister were hit by cars last night trying to cross the street, the 11 year old was killed while her 17 year old sister is critical. Lord, I pray you some how touch the families of those girls but also of those who were involved in the incident. I can't fathom any kind of peace or help or consolation, but I know you are the only one who can help. I pray for Mr. Petit who lost his whole family some years ago in a grusome home invasion. I pray for all our troops and their families Lord and I pray you give them fortitude and Godspeed.

Lord you know Josh's heart better than I, and I am agonizing about whether he is happy or doing what he should or miserable or not producing, I constantly worry about this and I realize that makes no sense. You are the almighty, Jehova Jira and I'm stressing for now reason, I just need to give it to you, so that's what I'm doing. Lord I give you my son, I ask for your protection, care and direction in these matters. Your will be done, and I know that's better than anything I could have planned for myself. I love you Lord!

In Jesus name!

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Date:2010-12-22 06:22
Subject:Silence isn't easy

Good morning Lord, trying to sit here and be quiet and I'm finding I'm fighting the urge to watch steps I suppose. I had an abstinent day yesterday for the first time in a long time, and I'm OH SO GRATEFUL!

I'm grateful for Mary who took time out of her day to help me talk through some things.
I'm grateful for my OA family who love me through anything.
I'm grateful my evening with friends was so fun and not all about food.
I'm grateful I didn't drink or eat too much or deviate from my plan.
I'm grateful for all my kids.

Thank you Lord for loving me and I pray right now for the willingness and surrender. Please help me Lord.

In Jesus name!

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Date:2010-12-15 08:44
Subject:I've got one day

Dear Lord thank you for helping me get through yesterday. I praise your name. I ask for help and willingness today. I ask forgiveness for my attitudes of entitlement, I know I take everything for granted and I'm selfish and self interested always. Please forgive me, change me, mold me into something new and clean. I pray for my family, my marriage, my finances. I pray for deliverance of self, from debt and from selfish things. Please keep us safe and healthy. Please let us have a nice Christmas together enjoying the holiday and each other. Please be with Mary today as she tries to close on this business. It's been difficult all the way around for her on this and I pray you bless her and help her get out of this clean. Please help make her whole financially. Please bless uReach and help us prosper. Help VZW come around:) please help me stay abstinent today. Here is the food I have planned.

waffle, patty, 1/2 banana and coffee with milk

subway, baked chips fruit

1 cup rice, mexican mix ( oz chicken)

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Date:2010-12-14 08:15
Subject:Ugh God, I've gotten myself down the wrong path
Security:Public I am again, crying out for help when I've done this to myself. I've been self-involved, hurried, and extremely uneasy. My spirit isn't calm and I need you. I've been doing the B&P thing, for weeks now and I've been dishonest with my sponsor and my family and myself. I'm not good. Not sure when it all started to go wrong, but think this whole year has been kind of a bust as it pertains to my recovery. I need help and I need to do the next right thing. For today: I will make a plan, stay on my plan, and report my food.

Fage yogurt
4oz fruit
1/4 cup cereal or oatmeal

2 oz ham
1 oz cheese
wheat bread
4 oz fruit
1 tomato

1 cup rice
1/2 cup beans
7 oz protein
1 tomato
2 pc bacon
1 pc cheese

snack: veggies if needed or with lunch

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Date:2010-11-24 05:59
Subject:Good morning Father

It's the Wednesday before Thanksgiving and I'm hving a quiet moment. I'm so excited to see my Joshua on Monday, it will be the first Thanksgiving without him and of course I will be sad...starting to cry as I type this, but I'm grateful he'll be with a nice family and a friend and so grateful I will see him soon. I love you Father, I ask you direct me to a church this Sunday and you forgive me my sins.

I love you Lord, please protect my family, change my heart and make it clean, open up my eyes to the things unseen.

Break my heart for what breaks yours.

Your daughter,

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Date:2010-11-17 06:25
Subject:Good morning Lord

Today I'm trying to seek you first and your righteousness...usually I seek food and tv and shopping, but today I want to try something better, something new. Please forgive me of my sins and help me to be willing to change. Father I love you and praise your name.

I'm in the usual place I am at the end of the year, looking to how I'm going to lose weight, how I"m going to do financially and what next year holds for my job and my quota etc. I'm either extremely fatalistic or extremely optimistic and neither is ever spot on.

I pray for your help Father with Verizon and Verizon Wireless. I need your help Father. I put my career in your hands and ask that you be with me and forgive me. I pray you help me to get back my surrender and willingness for this program and as it relates to food and my life. Help me to do better. I prasie your name and ask you take all these burdens away.

I pray you bless Ernie with the right job (if its not Disney, then that's ok). I pray you keep Josh safe and in your hands. That he would do well and stay free from injury, improving every day and happy. Be with Isa, with his heart and his mind, help him to excel and come to terms with what you feel is right. Be with Kennedy and Gabriel, help them grow strong in you Father.

In Jesus name I pray,

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Date:2010-11-11 08:27

God I cannot thank you enough for laughter and for the little messages you send me daily....the reminders, reminders about me, about my journey, that I'm not are so good. I praise your Holy name and thank you for my blessings. Jehovia Jira!

For today I will abstain from compulsive overeating and bingeing and purging. I pray you will help the dentist be kind and do good work.

I love you Father!

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Date:2010-11-09 08:18
Subject:Good morning Lord

Thank you for another day...thank you that I was abstinent yesterday and ate at my calorie level, thank you for never giving up on me! I praise you for all you give me and all the blessings are overflowing! Thank you Lord! I pray today for help with my job as I continue to slow things down for end of year, that I would rise to the challenge during our meetings, that I would be focused and on top of my game. I ask for help with my program as I try to continue to grow in that area. Thank you for my children, I ask that Josh be touched and comforted as he continues to adjust away from home. I pray for protection over his body as basketball season begins. I ask for healing of my mother and ask that ERnie get the job that you would have for him. I know he will do great work and we can begin to continue to climb out of debt. I ask for help with this tooth as it still is painful. I love you and praise you in Christ Jesus name!

~your daughter!

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Date:2010-11-08 09:28
Subject:Good morning Lord

Welp I served at the OA convention this weekend and tried really hard not to be resentful...but I was at times. I was able to serve and be joyful at times and got to know my friend Nancy a bit more as well which was nice.

Lord I'm such a dork, thank you for Loving me anyway...I love you and praise you. Thank you for loving me regardless of all my faults, thank you for my charmed life (guess you never thought I 'd see it that way, but I do) and I recognize all you do for me and my really is amazing when I think about it and I want you to know I see it and I do thank you Father!

I praise you, I ask for patience with Isa...I ask for continued healing for my mom and for my recovery. I pray for a stronger marriage and healthy happy babies. I pray for your touch on my comp payment and my career and my role for next year.

I love you Lord! Be with my Joshua!

In Jesus name,

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Date:2010-10-19 10:04
Subject:I can't get quiet

I am constantly surrounded by noise...forgive me. Lord I come to you this morning, surrendering my will. Please be with me and help me make it through the day abstinent. I love you Lord and praise your hold and precious name! you are so good and I love you and thank you for every gift.

Be with me father!

In Jesus name!

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Date:2010-10-13 12:45

somewhat tormented
knowing I'm free
How can this be?
but hopeful
not chemical
I hold the keys
not my power
but the power to surrender
why wont I?
please help me, deliver me
rescue me from this deep pit
a pit of my own contribution
when will I say ENOUGh
when will I surrender
I didn't throw up yesterday
I won't today
there is hope
there is a solution
honesty is the key
shame is no longer allowed
I am not my past
I am a child of the most high king
the one and only Abba Father
HE is my dad
I will no longer accept this BS
I will no longer accept I am less than
my life is starting
I must move
I must act
I must turn on the light
with my honesty
faith without deeds is dead
i've been dead, waiting
like the Cistene painting
my hands are not reaching
but yet I claim I need and want deliverance
what will I do today?
I will not throw up
I will not binge
I will not lie
I will be willing, open and honest
Thank you Father for never giving up on me!

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Date:2010-10-12 08:23
Subject:Good morning Father

Here I am, again on my knees and I need your help. Behaviors and character defects abound, these old habits do die hard and I can't do it alone. I think it comes down to having lost my willingness...I pray for it today. Help me I beg of you, relieve me of this weapon that has been formed against me. I need deliverance! Forgive me of my sins, help me begin a new, help me be the Selena you want me to be.

Forgive my sins Lord, I pray for your mercy and love and grace, I can't do without it!

I love you Father!

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