Selena's Journal
20 most recent posts

Date:2014-08-11 08:12
Subject:I don't even know how long it's been
Security:Public

Of course I have been talking to you, pretty much daily, sometimes I don't knwo what to do with my feelings/thoughts and I come to you in writing. Lord - UGH. I need your help, your grace, your peace...Here are the burdens on my heart today:
1) Kennedy asked Ernie point blank about his belief in Christ and his answer was floppy at best, filled with every reason he doesn't believe (man, theft, war, Bible being translated over centuries etc.). I was proud of her, but the most uncomfortable I've ever been. I got rough, angry, defensive, hardcore...I don't like that about myself.
2) This food thing is still not fixed, maybe it never will be but I'm at a weight I don't like and need to make the changes and do the work here...I am asking for your help, protection and guidance on this.
3) Josh is in a transitional stage and he's somewhat lost. Father please be with him, help him to find his path. Thank you Lord.
4) Kennedy and I dont' really like each other. I love her but we don't get along. I find her difficult, selfish and self centered (maybe most teenage girls are...I just need to give her some grace, but I also need to teach her how to treat me because right now it's not working.
5) Liora's husband Michael has had a resurgence of Lymphoma - Father please heal him, help them get through this victoriously.
6) Gabriel starting middle school and Kennedy starting high school - it's blowing my mind
7) My mom - not sure where to start but I just pray for her health, finances and distance. I love her but can't take her in large doses.

Thank you Lord for putting up with my issues and loving me anyway!

Your daughter,
Selena

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Date:2013-05-07 09:23
Subject:i dont like my mother
Security:Public

Lord - you tell me to forgive 70x7...but I feel that's all used up. Forgive me for holding on to such a grudge...but the truth is that things aren't better...we aren't close we have no relationship...we are foreigners, aliens...I don't know what to do with my anger, my resentment but its so very hard. I want her to get friends and have a life...I want a mutual relationship, not me caring for her...I feel taken advantage of, just like vida and isa and cesar...I dont want to feel that way.

Please help me, guide me and bolster me to move forward cause I dont know what to do.

I love you!

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Date:2013-04-24 08:41
Subject:Good morning Lord
Security:Public

Another morning where I wake up...what a blessing. Thank you Lord for my body, my health, my family, my friends, my job...I complain all the time to the point where I exhaust myself...please I beg of you...forgive me for that. I come to you this morning with more requests in hand...the most important request I have is that you not leave me. That the Holy Spirit guide me this morning...I pray I keep my mouth clean of cursing and gossiping and complaining. I pray for strength and ability as I present a rather important meeting today. I pray for tolerance and understanding. I pray Lord that you will continue to guide Josh...be with him Lord, guide him.

I love you sweet Father!

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Date:2013-04-18 07:37
Subject:What a series of events
Security:Public

Dear Lord...so much tragedy and loss this week and I'm here shaken. Father first let me ask that you lift up Linda and her family as she lost her partner and best friend Lord. What a terrible blow, I pray for you to comfort her, give her friends, family but most of all your warm embrace and assurance that it will be ok.

Boston - as so many have lost so much...limbs, lives, loves, friends, safety I pray that you continue to touch that community...please let them bring the people who did this to justice...I know that vengeance is not for us for falls in your arms, thank you for having a perfect plan.

Tom Beaman - had a great dinner with him and Ian last night...he's going through a very acrimonious divorce, I'd just ask that you touch the situation and please give him strength and let it be that the right path, the just path for the girls is taken.

Waco Tx - a fertilizer plant has exploded, countless folks have been killed and/injured...it's as if the entire small town has been hit by a major bomb. Please Lord help the rescue personnel and family and folks in need of medical attention...please touch every single need they have.

E-please continue to work on the prayers I've been hitting you up about my marriage. I love you Father...

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Date:2013-03-21 09:02
Subject:Dear Lord
Security:Public

I'm reading a really cool book about praying circles - hedging your prayers if you will as in the wall of Jericho and it leaves me with more questions than answers. What I am getting however, is that prayer is powerful. Much more powerful than I understand. I struggle between praying bold and claiming bold and giving my life to you. I guess you want me to ask regardless of what your plan is...either way it's gonna be your plan, not mine. So I'm going to pray boldly...here goes:

Ernie - God where do I start? I love this man and have since the day I met him. I find some aspects of his personality less than pleasant and I have to battle against some of it since we are not quite yet on the same page. That brings me to my initial most fervent prayer that I've brought to you forever and I know it will happen, I pray for this still and leave it in your hands...I pray for him to know you and love you and have a spiritual connection with you! I want him to be on fire for you Lord! I pray he will be the spiritual leader of our household. I want to pray with my husband. I want to go to retreats with him, I want to read the Bible with him and learn with him, and sit next to him in church. I want him to be more forgiving and I ask that you change his language, it's too much sometimes. I want him to have friends, good Christian men that he connects with, that can build each other up. I pray for the future and how his temperament can affect our children and their future families. God I ask you this all in Jesus name. I'm going to pray circles for this....please Lord!

Tomorrow or later today - Josh, Ken, Gabriel, Isa, Mom, career, finances, other

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Date:2013-02-24 07:03
Subject:Been a while
Security:Public

Lord, ya know how sometimes I get really overwhelmed and then I choose to have everything noisy and distracting because I don't want to feel things? That's how I feel now, I've been in negative canyon and I really want to get out, but can't seem to do it. Lord please help me. Please help with my ugly thoughts, my food obsession, my acting out and my overall yuckiness. I know I don't want to feel anything, but that is against your will. Be with me, forgive my sins, help me embrace all the positive, guard my mouth, my heart, my thoughts and replace the negative with your affirming and positive words.

In Jesus name I pray,
Selena

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Date:2012-09-19 07:26
Subject:argggg
Security:Public

Hello Lord, it's national talk like a pirate day, but I'm sitting here feeling arggg...it's like I've been floating on cloud 9 since my trip to Jana's and now I'm just feeling yuck. I think I'm frustrated with Mary (her asserting herself into the CCA convention) and Josh sharing how since it's his 21st birthday he wants something spectacular, and Ernie and his dadgum job search and his constant telling me he needs a job. Lord I give all of this to you.

Lord for CCA I am going to do what I have to do, with a smile. She's my boss and sometimes that includes her telling me stuff to do...so yes, I should chill.

For Josh, I am going to take some money out of my hidey hole and buy him what I had already thought which is pretty amazing. I'm going to get a gift card for Bonefish, a goodie box with cookies from his fav spot, some balloons and cards and there ya go.

For Ernie I also have to give that to you, you know what's best for him, please help me to be cheerful and encouraging. I think he's going through something right now and I want to lift him up and not tear him down. Lord you know what job is for you, I pray you bless him with what you have in mind as I know it's far better than anything I could dream up:)

Love you Father!

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Date:2012-09-03 16:31
Subject:Dear Lord
Security:Public

It's been a while...not since we have spoken, but since I've written...I've been convalescing and it gets a little depressing. I don't have energy to really do much, but I'm so tired of sitting. I've already been entertaining myself with online shopping and at this point, I'm over it. Lord, it's about time for Ernie to get a job, I want something that he will really enjoy and do well in, I need some solitude, I'm ready for him to scoot on out already.

Lord please continue to bless me and help me stay abstinent, Help me to be filled with you rather than the obsession of food.

Praise you Father!
S

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Date:2012-05-29 13:23
Subject:It's been a while
Security:Public

Dear Lord,

What is up with the mother you gave me? I mean I don't question you much (I'm ungrateful for sure), but I don't question much I don't think...who knows, maybe I do, I'm just so frustrated with the person you gave me to be my mother.

Please Lord help me to forgive, to be kind, to heal and move forward, this resentment is no good for anyone.

I love you Father!

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Date:2012-01-31 10:16
Subject:ugh
Security:Public

Dear Father God...Isaias continues to not do what he's told to do, which is rather simple...do your homework, clean up after yourself, take out the dog...well he continues to get poor grades as a result of little effort. Lord, last night he got the fury of his uncle and it sent me into a tailspin...I was unsettled and remain so at this moment...I'm angry at Isa and my husband and will not tolerate that in my home again, period. I will not allow it to continue and told them both my position yesterday night. Lord, please calm my spirit and help me to not hate my sister in law for being a mother who doesn't care about her son.

Forgive me for my part, the part I understand and the part unaddressed.

I love you father and ask for your help, calm and guidance.

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Date:2012-01-30 09:51
Subject:Dear Lord
Security:Public

For once I'm not coming to you crying about my eating disorder or the state of my life situations...I'm actually pouring our my heart in shame asking for forgiveness. Lord, I am reading your word and I"m afraid that I"m not producing fruit for your kingdom. I want to be what you ask, I want to do your will but alas I do fall short. Forgive me....please I want to do you will but always caveat that by saying (as long as the cost is small)...I'm so sorry and I am lazy and want to do better. I know that having your light reflected through me is vital, so I know I can make changes there...Help me, do better and please again forgive me for falling short.

I will curtail the cursing and the resentments towards my sister in law. I will dig into the church and do more, be more. I love you and pray that when you hold me and begin to separate the people, you say that this girl, Selena is my daughter and I'm so proud of her!

I love you Lord!

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Date:2012-01-16 10:16
Subject:Good morningLord
Security:Public

I find that I'm getting anxious and worked up. Work in general is slow and although I have enjoyed that time off, I'm concerned that I wont hit my number in 2012. Lord please help me get activity going, let me be prosperous but not kill myself. I'm grateful for my job, but want to feel I"m doing my part. I want to hit my number and do well, but dont want to travel a ton. Please help things heat up, help me handle it and do much of it from home so that I can continue to be a good hands on mom, and work on my sobriety.

Lord Mary bothers me. She permeates all aspects of my life and it's uncomfortable. Please give her a life of her own, so that I can continue to be her friend, but not be choked or suffocated by her friendship.

I pray for my friends in recovery that we can all be in fit spiritual condition, that we can be lights of hope to others. Please help all of my kids do well and give me patience and tolerance.

Forgive me of my shortcomings and help me to do your will.

I praise you Father, in Jesus holy and precious name....Amen.

me:)

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Date:2011-12-02 04:48
Subject:good morning Lord
Security:Public

Wanted to take some good advice and spend a few minutes with you this morning. Seems I've been waking up super early (3:30ish) and I"m not sure what's up with this. Wondering if you have anything you want me to hear, so I'm trying to listen. Figure I'll also spend a few minutes praying for others as there is so much pain out there. First I want to pray for my mother Lord, please be with her, help her physically and financially. I pray for her to get involved in a church and get some friends. Lord I pray for Josh, he's unhappy with Burke, they aren't jiving and I'm not sure where you want him, but I pray for his and peace and understanding. Please touch him and put him where you want him to go. I pray for John McDaid's parents, family, friends as they go through this Christmas having suffered such a terrible loss. I pray for my girl Kennedy to feel better. I pray for Matthew's Hope, I pray for Karen Ziegler, I pray for Ed Monroy that he will get to know you. I pray for Sam as she decides what to do with her marriage situation. I pray that Grant will get help and become the husband she needs him to be. I pray for Wendi and Eddie as he continues to recover, I pray for Becky as well as she endures much at work and in her personal life. Thank you for my friends, I pray for Carla, that you touch her life, that she get to know you personally. I pray for my friend Mary from OA who is battling an eating disorder and just now expanding her life, traveling for her job. Please help protect her program so she will continue to be a source of hope for me and others. I pray for our company as we may be getting sold, futures are uncertain, I pray that you protect me, bless me financially as I strive to do your will, forgive my shortcomings as they are many! Help me to continue to eat sanely and help me to lost 50 pounds, so that I can be a healthy weight for my frame. I love you Lord, and thank you for Ernie's job. I pray we can continue to keep our lives together, thriving despite having two careers. Lord, please help me and keep us all safe, and I pray we can make you proud. Please let me know which church to attend permanently. I love you Father! In Jesus holy name I pray!
~Selena

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Date:2011-11-21 21:33
Subject:Lord you have the answers
Security:Public

I'm a brat, I get it...but I dont want to take care of my mom...I dont'. I know I get Christ's payment and I deserve nothing, so help me forgive, and give and love and help ernie not resent either. forgive me for constantly falling short.

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Date:2011-11-11 07:24
Subject:good morning Lord
Security:Public

Dear Father...greetings from Dallas. It's not been a great visit with Jim and team...the forecast for next year looks bleak, but I am faithful because I know it's in your hands. Financially it hurts, and I was going to make some nice money and be able to pay off some debt. Lord please help me with the debt we have. Please let Ernie get a good job he enjoys that pays fairly so we can chunk it away. Please help me stay focused on the cross and not on the food or my body. I'm so happy and grateful to be abstinent today. I ask for coverage over Josh, that he do his best in school and on the court, that he gets alone with his coach and has a great season Father...please help him with his tolerance and patience. I pray for Isa, I pray that he learn to not lie all the time, it's like it's knee jerk. I pray for Ernie to have patience with him as well. I pray for my mom that she begin to feel better and more like herself so she can work and make her bills. I pray for Kennedy, thank you for such a beautiful and obedient child, she is such a gift. Thank you for Gabriel, I pray that he continue to get leaner and more fit and less focused on the food, I pray he won't have an eating disorder. I pray Lord that you would help us find the right church Lord, I want to find a place we are all happy and connected. I love you Father and pray for my co-workers, Ed, Saul, Robert, of course my friend Mary, that they are all saved and learn to know you. Please bless Mary and help her in all she does.

I love you Father and praise your holy name. Please be with me today, guard my lips and help me not do anything that might make you not proud of me.

In Jesus Holy and precious son's name!
~Selena

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Date:2011-10-27 16:31
Subject:UGH - please forgive me
Security:Public

Lord, I'm a spoiled rotten brat. Truth is you give me so much, more than I will ever deserve and I keep getting upset about things that aren't heavenly related....they are monetary. Forgive me. You will provide, you always do. Although I am a brat I want to just say, I really hoped I would hit kickers this year. I had hoped I would make some money to pay off this terrible debt and fix our pool. Each year when I think I'm close, I come just short. I know I have no reason to complain, but please Lord continue to touch my life, forgive my brattiness and know I love you and ask for your grace.

In Jesus name,
Selena

p.s. please help me resist the urge to go to the food or bad behaviors.

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Date:2011-10-24 10:07
Subject:Foggy, Frazzled and Furlorn
Security:Public

Dear Lord,

I've been literally in hiding for the last several weeks, claiming pain or illness to keep people off my back. Yes, in many cases I hadn't felt ship shape, but I made if far worse than accurate. The good news is that I am abstinent and today it's been 1 week. I feel a bit less bloated, significantly less tormented, but still struggling for normalcy nonetheless. I'm going to be embarking on several trips beginning next week and I'm not entirely secure in knowing this. On one hand it might be just what I need to get out of this rut, on the other, it scares me given my abstinence is so newly established. I am constantly multitasking and find it hard to focus or enjoy the present. TV and NETFLIX have been the new addictions of the hour and I find ironically that I'm kind of lying and hiding with the tv the same way I did with the food in order to keep the peace and keep my addiction going. WOW what a revelation. I'm not really sure what I'm willing to do about it. I think a good first step is that I actually took a little time to read the word and pray and now I'm writing, which I hadn't done in some time. I will go for a walk today and tuck in the kids. Those are "must do" items, things I know will help me find some peace and serenity.

Lord forgive me for escaping, for running, and for not seeing the beauty in everything. I take it all for granted, but pray you hold me in your arms anyway. Please help me find the right church for me and the family. I love you and praise your holy and powerful name Jesus!

Please be with my mom, all the people in Turkey and everyone suffering today, you alone know who they are.

Amen y amen

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Date:2011-05-19 14:20
Subject:Who am I? I'm an addict...
Security:Public

I'm an addict that dances around in my addiction daily...I abuse food and I abuse my body with bulimia. I had a really magical year where I felt free from the disease...I lost 85 lbs...and now I've gained 36 back and I feel like a failure. I find I'm so much more cranky and unpleasant. Lord I ask for that ferver back...I want to get my serenity back, that self love. Please Lord be with me.

I love you!

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Date:2011-05-04 09:46
Subject:good morning Lord
Security:Public

Feeling a little overwhelmed and need the respite that your love provides. Please renew a right spirit in me. Help me to strive in my recovery and to love myself despite the numbers. I love you and need to come alive, please help me.

Please restore my family, help my son and husband reconcile and I pray for my husband's soul. Lord these, requests above all else.

Forgive me of my sins, for there are many, wash me clean and help me better do your will, not my own.

In Jesus name,
Selena

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Date:2011-05-02 09:52
Subject:struggling
Security:Public

Dear Lord,

I come to you this morning, you said to bring you every request and trouble. Lord I pray for Josh's heart, for Ernie's heart and I pray for willingness and help with my disease. Lord, please help me to get it together and to release this burden of self and focus on the things that are right. I know the pounds will care for themselves. Lord I love you, please help me Father.

In Jesus name,
Selena

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