What I want!   
12:37am 18/06/2005
 
mood: dorky
Lots of little smiles, extra smooches all the time and a great big hug!
 
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nothing better to do   
02:38am 07/01/2005
 
mood: bored
HASH(0x8b67bec)
The illusionist!


What was your job in a past life? (LOTS of results & Anime Pics)
brought to you by Quizilla
 
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03:28pm 19/12/2004
 
mood: good
music: should’ve known better
You see I update here when I want to say things that I don't really want any one to see but you. Because I know your the only person that reads my journal. The one I have livejournal is more just for fun becasue I know some of my friends i'll see it. :) So I hope you'll go look at that one too baby. And don't think I was trying to hide it from you. I love you BOO!
 
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Oh well..   
02:54pm 15/12/2004
 
mood: blah
I was on my way back to my house with Melly after having lunch and told her and I told her how I felt a lil bad that I forgot to call up my friend Amilcar to go with us to Santa’s yesterday. Than she tells me not to feel bad and that it doesn’t matter and some other stuff but the moment she said that I started thinking about a lot of my other friends.
Ok this is what I mean… The only people that called me up for my Birthday were Hugo, Iszzy, Melly and Jess. And Family but they don’t count on the point that I am trying to make. Ok so… Than I was thinking about all the people that I call when its their birthday just to say hi and wish them the best on that day. And some people that are really close to me too. Like Omar forgot totally and only remembered because I called him to invite him to Santa’s with us.
Yeah I got off track but the thing is that I felt a lil bad because people that I find close friends never even said a thing to me…::::big sad lip::::: Oh well what can I do.
Back to my point… The fact that people didn’t call me had me to not think about them like Amilcar, Carlos, Cris, Tania, Mikel, Red man, Javie and so on…
And I just thought about them because Hugo brought up that I hadn’t called Amilcar.
So yeah.
Just wanted to let that out.
 
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05:54pm 09/12/2004
 
mood: sad
Omg I want to cry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I worked so hard this semester in my English class for nothing. I was just averaging out my grade and no matter what I am going to have an F.
So I did the same for my music class and I don’t think I can get higher than a D.
I feel like crap…The only class I did good in was my Math class.
The moment my parents find out they are going to be so disappointed in me and having them lector me isn’t going to be any better. I hope I get at least a C in my music class but as for my English class…. It think it just may be hopeless to hope for anything good to come out of it.
 
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Nice...   
07:37pm 15/11/2004
 
mood: blah
I would just like to say I know your lil secret or w/e and your so mean for not telling me… :::: big bottom lip::::
But ok be that way.
 
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Bad Day...   
06:57pm 13/10/2004
 
mood: worried
music: Skeleton Liar
Well, I walked out of my late to get to school to find that my father, sister and brother in law all blocked me in this morning… This sucked so bad. SO I put all my stuff in the car and went right back inside the house got my dads car key and moved the truck. Than I went back inside the house to put back the keys to realize that it was even later and than I had to maneuver my way out from in-between both of my sister’s cars that were just had to be so close to mine. So I get in the car and go in reveres a little bit and than turn the wheel and for forwarded and little than back a little and finally I get out. So I turn on my lights and turn on to the street. I thought I was in the clear but I was strongly mistaken. As I am on my way to the stop sing I see reflectors but no person on a bike because I couldn’t see anything so I turn my bright no to than realize a man running from his yard throwing his arms in the air and may be yelling but I am not sure. When I looked at him I looked at the grass and saw a little dog that looked like a yorkie about to run in to the street and I slam on the brakes. But it was too late the little dog had run right in the middle of the tip if the car. The dog started crying loudly and I thought OMG! I ran over this dog! So I run off the car and the owner had picked up the dog and as soon as he picked him up the little dog stopped crying. So I was asking the guy “Is the dog ok?” over and over and than I thought ok maybe he doesn’t know English so I started to ask him in Spanish. Than he finally said “ was chasing the guy on the bike…” while petting her and looking her over. We both still really couldn’t see a thing so I wasn’t sure if the dog was really ok. Than the man just starts saying “Just go, go, go, go!” and runs inside his house. So I got in my car all freaked out and didn’t know what to do. So I started thing about it over and over such as that I didn’t feel a hit at all, there was no blood on the pavement or on the guy when he picked up the dog( he was wearing a with shirt so I would have seen something), than all I kept thinking was if the little dog was ok. SO I get to school and see that I am totally late and because I had to brake so fast all my books and things flew all over the car. I get my stuff and go to class and all I could keep thing about was this dog. I couldn’t concentrate at all and my teacher kind of realized it because when I would close my eyes all I could see was the guys reaction and everything replaying in my head. SO I go to my next class where I have my test and I know I failed it so bad… When got near the end all I could think was what the heck am I doing, I might as well just hand it in as is because I can’t answer anything on this and that’s just what I did. I walked out of class feeling like crap and feeling as if yesterday was one of the most wasted days that I have had because I was studying all day for what? Nothing… Just to get an “F”. So I call Melly and sped some time with her and one of her other friends. She asked me if I could draw her something out of her art book and well I had nothing to do until 11 so I was like what he heck why not. As I was drawing I felt so good. It’s the only thing that made me feel good at all. Than I started thinking man why am I going to go in to music if art makes me so happy and I just left my feelings at that. I went to my last class that like always helps me feel better and than after class went to have lunch with Melly and two of her friends. My plan for when I got home was to go next door and ask my neighbors if the dog was ok but before that I called my mom to tell her what had happened and ask her if that was a good idea because I had heard that our neighbors were a little on the crazy side. So I call her tell her what happened and what I want to do and she tells me that its better that we don’t because they aren’t really friendly people and that they drink a lot and that if the guy had told me to go the way he had and if the dog stopped crying when he picked it up, that I probably stop just in time and that the dog just got really scared and freaked out or just got a little bump from the tip of the car. But that maybe it was better not to go because the way the people are. So I haven’t gone over and man I just really hope that the dog is ok. I just thank god that the first thing I was telling myself as I was leaving was ok don’t go fast just because your late because it wont help any. So I wasn’t going fast but this still happened.
I still feel terrible about it and wish I could do something more but for now all I can do is pray that dog is ok and always make sure to have my brights on when its late or that dark even thou I always do it but I have to be way more attentive.
Well, I just needed to get that out of me so…
I am out.
 
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A long drive to nowhere.   
06:12pm 07/10/2004
 
mood: satisfied
I just got in my car and drove. I left my parents shop and just drove. I didn’t want to go home, I didn’t really want to stop but I didn’t want to be alone. I passed by Iszzy’s house knowing she wasn’t home and kept on driving. The stop and go of traffic didn’t even seem to bother me one bit. The rain seemed to resemble the way I was feeling from time to time and well I didn’t know quite where I was going or what I was doing. With the radio loud and eating some Maria Galleta’s I seemed to be distracted by my thoughts. If I didn’t know any better my eyes must have looked as if I was looking in to the future for long periods of time. Before I knew it I was at the falls wishing that Jess was still so that I could pass by her house and get myself out of that mood I was in. I took any road with out really knowing at time where I was but didn’t really care. I kept looking at the gas and thinking to myself wow one week and almost half a tank gone… On what? It’s not like I take those random drives every day or ever for that matter. Than I thought why don’t I stop by to see Cris and than realized that all or most of my friends are gone… That I really don’t have many to choose from when it comes down to who I want to see. So there I was on Killian. Driving… Thinking should I stop by Hugo’s house? Than I realized he hadn’t called so I thought ok he might not be home yet so what do I do know. I turned as if going to Hugo’s house and than just took some little roads his small complex and than turned around thought of passing by because I was nearby and just decided not to. I passed Miami Dade. Took that cute little shortcut I found that always makes me smile when I turn for some reason and than had to start going 20 because I couldn’t see a thing because of the rain. Thought about Lauren but he’s never home…
There with a galleta in my mouth I just didn’t want to make it home. I was going slow for me because on most days its not really like that. Looked at the house as I turned in and felt at least theirs no one home.

Part two
Meaning what I was thinking about at the same time that I was thing about all that other stuff.

I am just going to drive and see where the road leads me. Too many people gone and so little still around. If only I could run in the rain like I used to. All the people around me must be heading home from work or school or just trying to reach a destination to get out of the rain. Sad… that I was making them just a little latter than they would have been. I asked Hugo to call me when he gets home… will he forget? Probably. Wow this galleta taste great every time and leaves a yummy smell of cookie on my breath. I wonder if other people eat in their cars when driving. I bet they do… My sisters would do it all the time. What the heck do I want to do with my life? I started out thinking it was fashion because I wanted a way to work the public, to meet and get to know lost of people…Than when I started to see the kind of people that you meet and in most cases put up with I thought that, that’s not the way I want to meet people and get to where I want to be. Where and what I want to be if like a mystery. I know exactly what I want to do but its not something that exists. I thought about talk show people but that’s not what I want to do. Becoming a musician to some respect have to deal with those kinds of people that turned me away from Fashion but I feel like it’s a dream that’s so cloudy that I cant see a thing. I want to do it and it feels like its just one of the ways that I could meet people and get around the world I and say the things that I are in me to a lot of people. But that’s not it. I want to be able to create music that I feel and have in my mind and it something I love. In class my teacher had us just think for a sec. about how we would feel or act if all of a sudden there was no music. Just sounds with out the melody and that when people would open their mouth to sing not a sound would come out even if the feeling was there. Too many thought of what I want and what is and just popped in and out of my head.
I am considering myself right now or well than emotionally unstable. It was bad. I cried yes… Just a little. I laughed yes… A lot like a crazy person. I stuffed cookies in my mouth like I was a mouse…
I stared off in to space for way to long and now I just feel better. After rethinking about most of the things I thought in the car thing seem clear now to some extent.

Times all I need… :) Its guna be great.
 
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Wow...   
10:32pm 26/08/2004
 
mood: peaceful
music: Forever
I got this phone call today from someone looking for my mom or dad.
They said they were family but I didn’t recognize the voice or name.
Than they were asking where we lived to stop by and at first I wasn’t going to give it to them but I heard my moms sister in the background so I did. Soon after we got a knock at the door and well all I could see was my dad hugging some short guy. When he turned around it was my cousin Johnny. Man I haven’t seen him since I was in fifth grade. He was found drug dealing with his brothers and was sent to jail. Than when he got out he was a junkie and the family basically abandoned him. After that it was as if he just disappeared. It was really sad for Sandra seeing that she really wanted to be at her 15th birthday party and for a moment she thought that she had seen him and when she realized it wasn’t him she began to cry like crazy. That’s why most of her 15s pictures came out with her in tears. There have always been some days that Sandra and I would talk about him and wonder where he was at and if he was still alive. Aparently he is. He seems to be doing well for himself too. He was looking for the family in hope to be part of the family once more or something like that.
Yeah… strange. But I am actually really happy that he’s back. He was locked you for ten years and right when he got out he had to go right back in for something and well obviously he’s out now.
 I don’t know but I am still in shock.
I am out.
 
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With all good news comes a little bad.   
12:17am 12/08/2004
 
mood: lazy
As for FIU they’re killing me. I have a feeling they really don’t want me there.

Today my parents renewed their vows and it was really nice. It was basically just my sisters and my uncle and aunts. It was a small ceremony and well the father wants us
( mean my sisters and I) to go to church this Sunday because he feels that we need it or something but what ever. Yet after I talked to my best friend just now I think I might go with her. I just found out that her brother is dying of cancer and that her father is leave first thing tomorrow morning to Switzerland to be with him. I am going to her house tomorrow as well to comfort her because I know she needs some one right now.
She has been feeling that she needs a little more faith and change on her life and well, she is going to be having a lot of change coming her way in the next 2 to 3 months.
I just want to be there for her because she has always been there for me.

That’s all for now.

-Steph*
 
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AHHH!!!   
01:45am 28/07/2004
 
mood: moody, aggravated, and sleepy
Wow I hate being a girl! You know what it is to be thinking one thing and do another? Well, yeah thats how I get when I am about to get on my thing and when I am on it... It sucks so bad...
So I am sorry if i say and do some things that are just plain like WTF moments. I know how bad it can be and I can't even stand myself when I am like that so I wouldn't want others to have to as well.
My head hurst and I feel sleepy... :(
I might as well just get a good nights rest and hope that I can controle the things that I don't mean to say at all.
I just wish I wasn't so moody when I am about to get on my thing or when I am on it for that fact.
Oh well, sleep is way better and I don't have to wake up at nine for anything YAy!

Goodnight
 
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Yay!!!   
06:55pm 15/07/2004
 
mood: giddy
music: Up town girl
I am sooooooooooooo Happy but I feel like biggest dork!

The Sting song that I was looking for wasn't even by Sting.
Let me tell you I feel like such a dumb @ss but oh well I found the CD.

It's by Seal and its called Love's Devine. (hehe,heh) aw... I feel good.
A lil stupid but good. :)

Hopefully I’ll be able to buy it. It’s the Seal IV cd.

I have no idea why I like it so much seeing that it’s not really what I am
in to but I guess I am.

:::: Smooch::::
 
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05:26pm 14/07/2004
 
mood: sore
music: don't call me baby
I feel nice right now. In a lil pain but nice. I look like hell but nice.
Aw... What a great feeling. I just opened my window to let out the smell of my nail polish and some other sink that’s been reeking up my room and it feel so much nicer in here now.
Also Sandra tells me that my room feels it has an atmosphere of I don't care and sadness...
So I have to let that ride right out my window with that strange mixture of smells.

So it smells I think a lil better in here.
:)
 
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I don't know if I can wait.   
01:32am 14/07/2004
 
mood: sad
music: Here comes the Sun-Beatles
I have this ring.
It maybe an object and to many it might mean nothing but it’s just a little more to me right now.
It feels like my relationship.
It has been strong and well, it seems to be weakening a little bit.
Just like my relationship I am starting to see cracks and small parts fall off faster and more often each day.
It might sound stupid but I don’t want to see it brake.
It makes me feel that if it breaks that my relationship will brake too.

Sleeping is just sending me memories of some of the best days of my life and when I wake you I wish I were still sleeping.
Just like that in some way I wish the moment that this ring brakes that a new one that looks exactly the same will be waiting for me in the hands of my best friend, but that’s just a dream and I wish I would never wake up from it too.

I am feeling scared, selfish, isolated, and alone. I might try to be with friends to slip away from everything and anything I know and don’t want to know. I want to be strong and it is proving to be harder each and everyday.

GabeR87: so when u look so far ahead its kind of like AHHHH i wanna give up
GabeR87: cause if u give up u know what ur gonna be left with which is prety much nothing
GabeR87: but if u keep going ur taking a risk which is harder but you know u want it

I can’t give up that easily on what I love. It’s just like going down’ without even having the fight.
 
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I don't know if I can wait.   
01:32am 14/07/2004
 
mood: sad
music: Here comes the Sun-Beatles
I have this ring.
It maybe an object and to many it might mean nothing but it’s just a little more to me right now.
It feels like my relationship.
It has been strong and well, it seems to be weakening a little bit.
Just like my relationship I am starting to see cracks and small parts fall off faster and more often each day.
It might sound stupid but I don’t want to see it brake.
It makes me feel that if it breaks that my relationship will brake too.

Sleeping is just sending me memories of some of the best days of my life and when I wake you I wish I were still sleeping.
Just like that in some way I wish the moment that this ring brakes that a new one that looks exactly the same will be waiting for me in the hands of my best friend, but that’s just a dream and I wish I would never wake up from it too.

I am feeling scared, selfish, isolated, and alone. I might try to be with friends to slip away from everything and anything I know and don’t want to know. I want to be strong and it is proving to be harder each and everyday.

GabeR87: so when u look so far ahead its kind of like AHHHH i wanna give up
GabeR87: cause if u give up u know what ur gonna be left with which is prety much nothing
GabeR87: but if u keep going ur taking a risk which is harder but you know u want it

I can’t give up that easily on what I love. It’s just like going down’ without even having the fight.
 
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02:08am 12/07/2004
 
mood: contemplative
music: With or without you
I feel myself walking on a sharp sword trying not to get cut yet leaving a trial of blood every step I take.
Balance is the hardest part of all...

Trying to be perfect in such an imperfect world, trying to make others content when you may not be at all, finding yourself when you feel you know nothing about who you are, starting at the end all over again.

I once wanted to be looked at, wanted to be talked to, wanted to be held, wanted to be something more.
Now I just don't know...

Conversations have become plain, Words have lost all meaning, and that little bit of spice in life will never again be found on the phone or behind a computer screen.
Yet instead they come from the few seconds of truth and grasp of what real feeling provide. That one moment where you set your self free of all insecurities.

All I can be is a daughter, sister, friend, lover, and maybe one day a mother.

As of now... I can say that what you see is nothing that wasn't there before yet for unknown reasons I am happier this way.
 
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Way too cute!   
03:36am 08/07/2004
 
mood: weird
Generate your Anime Style by Jena-su
Name:
Hair:Naturally multi-coloured.
Clothes:School boy/girl uniform.
Powers:Control over the weather
Special Features:Elf ears
Sidekick:Small dragon.
Attitude:Happy, bouncy, too hyper for it to be heathly.
Weapon:Staff
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!
 
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i have no idea   
01:34am 02/07/2004
 
mood: exhausted
music: vindicated-dashboard confessional
It’s late and I know that if I try to sleep I will never make it.
At night my body feels so weak and just perfect for the best sleep of my life but the moment that I get in to bed it’s just another story.
I am physically tired yet I am mentally wide awake and can’t stop from think about: where I am going, what I want, what I can have, how I am going to start thing, how something are going to end, etc.
Sleep was the greatest thing in the world for me before school ended. Now I dread the moment that I have to try and sleep. Things just really aren't the same.
I want to do so much more now that I am not doing. I want to enjoy my life. My parents have this thing with not wanting to let me out of the house, saying “you can't do it all in one day" or " you can’t see the world al in one day". Yet the way I see is well, I can't do it all in one day so why not do what I can if it’s not hurting anyone in one day if my next breth isn't really always going to be granted to me. I just don't want my life to end up staying between the same four walls I see each day. Don't get me wrong I love my family and being with them but they never do anything and so leaving me to be stuck her most of the time doing nothing with them. That’s why I always want to go out with my friends, Hugo and his friends, my sister and so on. That’s my only escape from this. Seeing that "this" is the boring, repetitive, and ever so sad days that I have been leading. I can’t take it anymore. I consider myself to be very free spirited person that just has to break free from this. The main reason that I hadn't done that before was because I as in school, I had a way out everyday, I didn't have to always rely on my parents unless it was to get home because my parents don't believe in public transportation. Yet I was taking it in one of the worst possible places alone and I can't take it to get home yet it was just some blocks away from home. Well, that’s in the past now and I feel trapped. I feel sad. Honestly disconnected. For some reason now thing don't bother me the way they used to. What my parents have to say now just doesn’t affect me like before.
I just need something and I don't want to do it alone. That’s just how I have been feeling right now.
This all just may sound like I am complaining or that I am sad and being a dram queen but it’s not like that.
I just feel like venting. This lack of sleep is just really getting to me.
I don't know I guess I just need something more.
I have so much on my mind that makes me feel that there could never be anything better and it just makes me want to hang on to that as long as I can. I pray that I never loss that.
Wow I am so tiered that I just want to let out all that’s on my mind in hopes that I'll sleep tonight.
Relationships change, people get stronger, the weak becomes eliminated, what you love no matter what is so worth fighting for, trying crazy things once is just a part of growing up, time feels like its slipping by, doing what is considered wrong at times gives you the reality of what may be really right, you can meet some of the nicest people online.
Well, I think its time for me to say bye.
All that’s on my mind well is just falling out like crazy.
Awwwwwwwwwwwww... and it feels great!

I feel so much better now.
::::: Big Smile :::::::::

Now that I have gotten everything out of me that was well, my sleep talking I have no idea what to think. Except that I think way too much about some little strange things.
Goodnight
 
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Now   
01:23am 21/06/2004
 
mood: thankful
music: Always Be My Baby
As of the moment all seems ok.
You know when you just know things could always be better? Well, this is on of those moments where you just know things are for the first time in the right place.
I know that I always I mean always want to stay on the phone with Hugo even if he doesn't want me to but its only because I love knowing he’s there. Yeah I know it sounds a bit corny or some junk but I do. :)
I get my kicks out of talking to my baby.

After cleaning my room and getting rid of a lot of stuff that I really didn't need I feel good.
Maybe that’s one of the reasons that I am feeling better about a lot of things today.

Well, I have some thing to do now like take a shower and sleep so I’ll be going.
 
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ok   
12:36am 11/06/2004
  Well, what can I say I GRADUATED!!! But it doesn't feel too great. Yeah being able to sleep in is better but I am feeling a lil lonely. Yet I am almost never alone I guess I just need some understanding. Someone to talk to that really wants to talk to me and enjoy some time away.
I know that it’s only been about 3 days but it just hit me. Nothings ever going to be the same. I am not going to wake up at five anymore to try and make it to school instead of skipping the day. Most of my friends are all leaving at the end of the summer, and well as for me I don't know and I think that’s the scary part.
Jess and Iszzys graduations were both really nice. At Jessica’s I was able to talk to Mikel, Kenmei, Joseph, and a couple of other people that I really hadn't been able to talk to for some time now. You know saying bye isn't too hard but walking away is. Man I am guna miss Jess. I know that we both had our up and downs but I am guna hate the fact that she’s not going to be there.
heh, now its time for me to get closer with the people that I care about.
Well I am lost in thought so I'll be going.
Goodnight
 
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