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Omen Child Seiene

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Broken
[20 Dec 2003|12:16am]
[ mood | relieved ]

I've gotten the closure I wanted and I feel very much relieved, to say the least.

-slow smile- I think I'll go to bed and curl up with a good...book.

1 Shard | Broken
[19 Dec 2003|01:32am]
[ mood | angry ]

"Fuck buddies"? "Playthings"? In your case maybe. You don't even know what love is so I can only imagine you would recognize it if it were shoved in your face."

Normally comments like this would have been ignored. Its rare that I take words from strangers to heart...but this time is different. I was caught off guard and they hit close to home. Of course I wasn't enough of a fool to admit it and I never will, but it did bother me. I have a few things to set straight with Echo as well. I've been questioning myself and our relationship for quite some time. I really cant recognize love even if it was shoved in my face.

Iago must die. 13 must perish. And this newcomer plotting my demise will burn. Everyone will suffer.

3 Shards | Broken
[09 Dec 2003|10:37pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

I'd like to know what's going on. I wonder if the curse on my head is just making another full circle. Had I not known better, I would say that its trying to destroy me...if Im not destroying myself.

Lotan's memory has been erased and it's my fault. Had he not fallen in love with me in the first place, he never would have had to endure that trauma. And now that hes forgotten even the most basic things, I am undecided on how to present myself to him. I know what I should be but he keeps trying to convince me that Im otherwise. He doesnt even know who I am anymore so why should I listen? He was mistaken the first time we met. I know Im mean and evil. I know Im not a kind man nor do I wish to be. I do know this, however: I will not put myself through what previously transpired again. Ever. Ive had a taste of that goody-goody wholesome life and I despise it. He was a joyous person at one point in time and I hated that. Then I came along and made things worse for him and I hated that and myself even more. I almost wish I had never met him. If I didnt, he would not be without a memory. Once again, I crossed paths with someone and it lead to their downfall. This time there will be no mistakes. He will see me for what I was, what I am, and what I will always be. I havent changed; I just fooled myself into believing I did.

What's worse, Echo turned his back on me today. He walked away without a word or a backward glance. By chance, I could have said something wrong but I failed to recognize what I said. What makes me wonder is that we have not seen each other in about a month... A few weeks to be more than accurate. And after one kiss and some small talk, he walked away. Even when I questioned him on where he was going and what was wrong, he refused to answer despite the fact that I had followed him. I can only imagine what Ive done now.

Winter is setting in. Im anticipating long, cold nights as usual.

1 Shard | Broken
Sigh. [15 Oct 2003|03:16am]
[ mood | guilty ]

So much has happened between my coma and now that I dont even know where to begin. Therefore, I wont.

Right now, the anger of guilt is taking over me. Its sinking to the bottom of my being and falling even lower to the pit of my somach. I want to crawl under a rock and die. This is affecting me to the point that Ive made myself physically sick. I can just double over and throw up.

Why cant I be hated? Its so much easier than what I have to deal with now. Im not being a coward. I truly feel that being hated was a way to preserve myself. Striking fear into others' hearts was an ideal way for me to live. I was protected and untouched. No guilt, no sadness, no love, no emotion, no feeling at all. It was perfect until I tasted the nectar of the affairs of the heart. From that, I grew enchanted, tempted...and longed for more in false hopes that I could still be sheltered in my warped world of protection and stoicism. That was a mistake. A lie. I was lead on to believe that love was this abstract, flawless wonder and found out that it had its sinuous twists and sickening heartbreaks beneath its glossy exterior. And with every endearing word, every confession of love, every ghostly touch, and every longing glance of an eye, I am run further and further into the ground. I never asked for this. Is it really my fault that...





I am desired.

1 Shard | Broken
[15 Sep 2003|12:40am]
[ mood | guilty ]

[Make the hurting stop. Why can't I make it stop?]

Broken
You can't lose what you don't have [14 Sep 2003|02:16am]
[ mood | blank ]

Life is such a bitter sweet thing. It's like biting into a lucious, ripe apple, but knowing you robbed the tree of the most precious fruit of its labor. It's like delivering a child into this world, but knowing that for every newborn that is given life, another tired soul must die. As cruel as it seems, it is merely an unwritten rule of life.

Today I was given the chance to see my beloved's face as he presently is. His appearance was changed so many times I forgot what he looked like. He was just as I pictured him, just the way my vines traced each contour of his body and etched every cleavage of muscle. The embodiment of Perfection could not have withstood against Echo.

And yet again, something was presented to me. It was an issue I'd never thought of. Lotan must die to save the life of his step-father, his mother, and his unborn sibling. I was quick to jump on the defensive and voice how unfair it was. Why would his mother do such a thing to him? She cursed him with a sacred spell, somewhat similar to my Arcane, that linked herself to him. Her reasoning behind this isn't my place to know and I lack the passion to find out. But why? Why must he die to save her? She knows nothing of his plans to sacrifice himself but can she not feel it? His death means all the laughs, all the blood, sweat, and tears, all the pain we endured together was a waste. I cannot help but be selfish and ask "What about all that? Was it for nothing at all?" The only brother I ever had and worked so hard to protect is being taken away just like that. And I sit by waiting for it, knowing I can't stop it.

These events just remind me of what my sisters so often mocked me about, of what Aethrial and Xavier emphasize everyday of my life, of what the Prophets foretold, and of what all Gihannans turned their noses up at me and muttered under their breaths about. I am an Omen. All associated with me shall meet misfortune and perish. I took lotan from that brothel and grew with him only to have him delivered into the hands of death. The scarlet flower that bloomed from my vines at Echo's temple was a stunning sight, yet I could not keep it alive and it crumpled into a dismal death of sable petals over his shoulder. My mother was destroyed as a result of my birth. Last Eden fell because of my existance. It's only a matter of time before my lover himself ceases to be. And I am the reason.

I never wanted to feel this pain again. I never wanted to feel regret of remorse. Never. I hate all of you who came into my life and humanized me, made me feel. As a lone assassin, I was never obligated to feel. Emotion was banned. True, I was void, but I was never hurt and that's the way I liked it. I want to stay that way. Even now, coming to terms with the way I feel is a game of taboo I have no upper hand in.

As I have allowed my facade to slip away, I've gone against my word and gotten close to Lotan and Echo. I should not have gotten attached. I must withdraw, otherwise I risk losing everything, even myself, all over again.

Broken
Sues Must Die [10 Sep 2003|02:40pm]
[ mood | nauseated ]
[ music | Eat You Alive - Limp Bizkit ]

I believe Ive found something to occupy my time. Slaughtering Mary Sues sounds invigorating right about now. What brought me to think of such a ruthless activity, you may ask. It's simple. I ran across a raging Mary Sue today thanks to Echo's Creator. This annoying piece of flesh's existance is just that: an annoying piece of flesh that exists. She has no personality whatsoever, a mere empty shell that is to be filled with traits of another, robbing the original owner of their identity completely. This Sue in particular stole a well publicized name amongst the world of the Muses; Atredius was the victim in this instance. By studying and observing all the other muses, I know just as much about him as I do the rest of them and when I read this Sue's description, Atredius's image flowed into my memory. Naturally, had I been Atre, I would have taken offense and spoken to the Sue's Creator, however, that was not the case. Atre's Creator is much more merciful than mine and I, and thus the Sue's Creator got off easy. Too easy for my tastes. Not only did she go so far as to copy his personality, she also duplicated his powers, abilities, and charisma. I could have undersrtood using Atre as a comparable base and tastefully altering some of his make up to birth another muse from him, but this was beyond inexcusable. I pity Atredius, for his being had been somewhat diminished because it had been doubled and stuffed into a female form. Hopefully none of his prestige will be subtracted from just because he was cloned, though I doubt he would let the creation of a Mary Sue do that to him.

Even I was insulted, though I dont know who insulted me more: the Creator who wrote her description, or the Sue. True, the Sue was irritating enough, but she could possibly be outmatched by the random smiley faces, spelling mistakes, and grammatical errors that ruled her entire profile with an awesome power. What the HELL is an 'assian'?! I can hardly pronounce the word, much less tell you its definition. If context clues serve me right, I believe she was trying to say 'assassin.' So, not only did she steal Atredius's image, she also slandered my profession with her less than satsfactory spelling skills. A woman in the bloody business of stalking in shadow and murdering upon command while escaping with her life must be far greater than ordinary and posess almost inhuman ability. But then again I digress; this is a Mary Sue I'm referring to. They are the embodiment of perfection.

Speaking of perfection, this Sue's perfect traits are so sweet it's sickening. It's too bad that the Creator didn't see that what makes a character liked or even loved is their imperfections. Perhaps Im delving a little too far into the emotional aspect of it all for her to understand. Here's an example of what I mean:

" ~ When around her, you feel distenctly like your a lumbering klutzy chicken and she's the fox. Her entire stance typicaly screams predator. When she moves, it's obvious she knows where ever part of her body is moving exactly. Total controll. ^_^

~ She underneith every thing, is utterly LONELY....she cannot escape the constant feeling of lonelyness. It's there nagging before she sleeps and when she wakes. She just CANNOT escape it.

* She smells like fragrent roses on a rainy day, if she embraces you, it seems to flow overyou senses...in an oddly calming way. ^^

~ She tastes like a cool rain on a storny night.^^

~ She's an AMAZING singer/dancer One thing that she never stopped doing sence she was on earth, would be singing and dancing. It's very deceptive and it's IUNCREDIBLY rare to see her doing eitehr of these. But she seems to know a dance before she's ever learned it, and can do it perfectly by her second try. She's simply AMAZING, ehr voice is cool and beautiful, enchanting @_@. She's actully really good at any time of singing, and that includs rap actully XD And rock. ^^ She's really REALLY good. @_@ *swoons* Should you be so lucky as to hear her, ^^ Mn, listen to the words. Can't tell you why right now XD But do lsiten. In some way, it will pertain to the situation.

~ On the occation she DOES use -very- strong god like magic, she has wings that spread out, when you stare at them it's like looking through a cloudless night sky. You can get lost simply staring at them. @_@ Along with the wings an odd pattern of black swirls spread across her skin like black tatoos. The vine of swirls move from across her right cheek, down her right shoulder, down that arm, across to her left side, where it twines part of the way across her lower back, while another branch wraps around her leg. The vines that twine down her arm, parts at her wrist to wrap in a circle shape on the back of her hand leaving the space withen empty. Here is wear a cresent moon shape glows an eeri pure bright silverish/white. ^^ She attacks mostly with this hand, but isn't restricted to just her hand. Another thing to be weary of, is her eyes flickering a red garnet color. It means... welll...you'll know when it happens. ^^"


..Ahem. "She tastes like rain on a cool storny night"? I'd personally be distrubed if my Creator knew what I tasted like. That isn't normal. And as for the whole "fragrent roses", being an "'amazing' singer/dancer", and posessing this ungodly beauty...I doubt even Azreal would waste his time pleasuring himself with this Sue. Not even on his worst day. Not even when he's going through a withdrawal or when he's in a sexual slump. Come to think of it, he'd prefer me over her. -shudders- But the very thought makes me shudder.

I want to kill this Sue. Slowly and painfully. Because she makes my stomach churn.

Broken
[05 Sep 2003|07:09pm]
[ mood | infuriated ]

..Grr. The Niqueish has sex in a bottle and she won't give me any! She says its called 'Pepsi Vanilla.' Everytime I try to go and get some, she snatches it away! All I can do now is sit and watch her indulge herself with it, but sooner or later, it'll be mine.

Broken
[05 Sep 2003|01:36am]
[ mood | productive ]
[ music | The Genocide Song - Trigun ]

Ever hear the expression "tongue-in-cheek"? I think it should be changed to tongue-in-ear. Heh, its a thought.

First order of business, I got your 'Fuck You' message, Koe. In answer to that, I'd like to say fuck you. -grins- And don't think I'm above it either, child. It's a means to manipulate you, eventually control you, and get what I want. With that stomach churning image out of mind, today was one of peace. My Creator and I have not fought for most of the day. I'd say there were less than 3 squirmishes because we were both cooperative. She had decided on giving me a new look, I see. It isn't so bad. Not exactly my usual style, but flattering nonetheless. I was told that I compared to this person. The links below are just teasers I found. I'll look more into this person and produce better images later.

[A] Facial shot
[B] Outfit shot

Before you get all alarmed and rev up your fan girl giggling motors, I do not wear glasses. My vision is perfect and then some. The Niqueish just saw it fit to slap a pair on me, however. I'm glad they weren't prescribed. The attire is more comfortable than I thought and sweeping my hair up into a clamp was alright too. I never wear my hair up, so the cool air on the back of my bare neck was welcoming. Anyway, I had claimed a spot for myself on the countertop in the kitchen and contented myself with reading a book. (NO, it wasn't upside down. This time.) Just before that, I was handed the notations of Last Eden and my race of people. They were given to me so I could perform some critical revisions, if necessary, and immediately turn them back in to be finalized and typed. The majority of it was pretty accurate. It should have been. -_- Niqueish created everything. Tch. Of course my work habits are sloppy so I put the notes aside and continued reading until I was distracted by a surprise visit from Echo. Turns out he missed me just as much as I missed him. We had longed for each other for quite some time but were unable to satisfy our physical hunger because of opposing, outside matters. His kiss was still as wholesome and sweet as it had been the first time we met and the simple conversation in each other's arms was painfully reassuring. It was short-lived and he was torn away again, but it's alright. I'll see him again very soon. Perhaps I'll busy myself with tending to those notes.

I'm still awake because Lotan insisted that I meet his mother. She reminds me so much of my own. I see where he gets his modesty, grace, beauty, everything, from. She's a magnificent woman, Andromede. Seeing her with child is a wonderful thing. She's produced another gentle soul to bless this world. Much luck to her. Lo will make just as good a big brother as he is a warrior. What still pokes at me is the fact that Andromede approves of me despite my reputation. Such a rare thing acceptance is for me. It looks like I didn't do such a bad job after all with raising Lo.

Broken
Mmmm... [04 Sep 2003|02:57am]
[ mood | aggravated ]
[ music | Many Men - 50 Cent ]

Well it's about time I made another entry. Alot has been on my mind. But first off, I did tell the Creator happy birthday. The stupid one. No wait..that description fits my Creator too, doesnt it? I mean Echo's Creator. I even wrote it in my own handwriting. One of my better efforts if I say so myself. I practiced intensely to form those letters so she'd better not laugh. >.O -folds his arms over his chest and turns his nose into the air- Hmph. I won't be suprised if she does though. Besides it isn't entirely my fault. The Niqueish, Mistress of Darkness as she currently wants me to refer to her as, is the reason for my poor penmanship. She keeps pummeling me with bricks and beating me down with various bags of nickels, rocks, and Eli knows what else, so brain damage and poor hand-eye coordination should be expected. u.u

Lotan has gone to see his mother before her death. I wish him luck. Had I known beforehand, I wouldn't have given him such a hard time before Uraya, Samantha, and 13 this afternoon. I have a feeling his mother wants to meet me, but I'm not sure I'm ready to show my face. Astraea, Keeper of Justice, advises me to go see her. What can I possibly tell her though? "Hello Andromede. I'm the assassin that's raising your son." I think not. I have but a few hours to think on it, so my decision must be prompt.

Now to business. Just the other day when I spoke to Echo about Koe, I was light-hearted and optimistic. Something very rare for me. But the more I think on it, the more enraged I become. The seriousness of the issue has sunken in. Koe, you little ghostly bastard, if you harm Echo I'll carve this this Arcane from my flesh and hunt your soul in Hell myself without a second thought. I do not fear death and an eternity murdering you over and over again seems like a fitting punishment for the both of us. I could sense your disfavor of me when you first showed yourself. So you desire to hate me, so shall it be. You are a traitorous child. You were spared by his blood; you even took it upon yourself to save me from Echo's wrath once before. But now... Now you turn on him and persuade him to commit suicide. Can your spirit not find rest eternal? Can you not stay put in your grave or serve your purpose as a companion, his spiritual guardian? So much has interfered with a life of happiness for me. I've been raped, in both senses of the word, of everything I've ever had. But you. You shall not take him away from me. I've helped him fight his inner demons once before with the haunting death of his mother, with the hatred he had for his bloodline, and so much more. It was my lips that kissed away his tears. It was my arms that held him in an envelope of security. And it was these fingers that soothingly stroked away his pain. He'll never be void again. To let you come between all that would be the destruction of the three of us and my personal failure. However, I stand in the way of that path. Dare you try to pass me, you damn your soul to me and my blackened heart forever. You are condemned to my torture. And I do not make empty threats.

3 Shards | Broken
Uhn...x.x [29 Aug 2003|03:18am]
[ mood | exhausted ]

My endurance was put to the test tonight. Lotan suggested we visit a latenight club again and I agreed. Im not the social type, but I was caught in a good mood. To get straight to the point, I sprayed this odd human body spray on me and went out for the night. >< Then all of a sudden, I found myself engulfed in a sea of women. ~.~ They swarmed be like a bunch of giggling bees with breasts. o_o; ...No matter where I tried to run, they seemed to sniff me out. They had me running for dear life all night long and I finally escaped them by ducking into an alley. When I arrived home again, I took it upon myself to investigate the can. Its label read "AXE", plain and simple. Im issuing a fair warning. DO NOT WEAR THAT ACCURSED SCENT! Youll be lucky to escape the clutches of the women that persue you with the shirt on your back. >.< It's like Kryptonite in reverse! Not only does it draw them, it empowers them. o_o; You've been warned.




>>; Hm. I wonder if it has the same effect on men...

Broken
Maybe we don't change. [19 Aug 2003|02:00am]
[ mood | disappointed ]

"Sei...sometimes you hurt me more than 13."

Those were the last words I heard. Their acidic tone eats away at my subconscious mind and continuously rings in my ears. I can't shake it no matter how hard I try.

That fool! I tried to warn him. I did warn him; he didn't listen. Lotan doesn't understand an assassin's heart, an assassin's mentality. A killer is a solitary being that looks for love anywhere it's available. He's lonely, wanting to be accepted. Of course this is only when his thinking temporarily falters and he gains some degree of humanity. That, however, is short-lived. He will do anything for a mission and most certainly anything to get what he wants. He will fulfill his desires as he pleases and not care what he leaves in his wake. He will efficiently exploit any and every weakness exposed to him for the selfish act of gaining satisfaction. Be it physical, mental, or emotional lust, his prey will be used. Those unfortunate enough to get caught up are doomed to remain that way; in a state of eternal heartbreak or betrayal as their life is ruthlessly taken. Nothing can truly change an assassin. Blood will forever stain his hands for it is the sin he has chosen. The poor fool, conveniently given the title of friend, comrad, brother, or lover, is simply strung along, unable to free himself. And if he manages to escape, the scars still remain. An assassin is but a shell of empty promises and false tomorrows. A path that leads to nowhere or a bleak horizon. He can, and will, turn his back on you.

I'm being hypocritical. All this I speak is truth. I am an assassin. And still yet, I question myself. Am I living the title of what I am, or have I really changed? Do I truly love Echo, or am I just winning him over until I have sucked him dry of all that he can give me and all that I can take? Was Lotan ever my brother, or was he just the voice I was listening for that would accept me? I don't know.

13 should understand. He and I are one in the same.

Broken
[18 Aug 2003|11:43am]
[ mood | silly ]


Find out what Zodiak character you are!

Made by
Myth




>>; Well fuck you too. A woman tame me? As if. ;

Broken
!!! [15 Aug 2003|07:12pm]
[ mood | satisfied ]
[ music | Na Na Na Na - 112 featuring Supah Cat ]

^___^ Oh. Yeah. Real satisfied. Next time the roles are going to be switched. We'll see how well he does then.

1 Shard | Broken
Marriage?! [14 Aug 2003|01:35pm]
[ mood | curious ]

Okay. This is something I have not thought about since, well since never. The thought never crossed my mind. The issue of marriage presented itslef when my moronic Creator announced the random idea of Echo marrying his Creator. o_O Yes. Sick I know, but before you pull out your trusty frying pans to pummel anyone to death let me explain. I didn't think that such an act was possible. And Mika said it wasn't. The President of the humans, whoever he is, said that it "was illegal." Just the very thought of she and he together makes my skin crawl. Two psychos CAN NOT raise a competent family. Their offspring wouldn't even have a fighting chance for gaining common sense and thinking rationally. I pity them. And it's all Mika's fault! Echo is...fairly..competent. >> o.O' I hope. Heh ^_^;;. -shudders- Children. Their children. The world will end as we know it.

Eh, push came to shove. And inuenndo. And the issue skirted to he and I getting married. >> " i somehow doubt you OR seiene would propose to one another. -tries to picture such a scene. brain fry. dead. brain dead-" v.v That's what she said. Thanks alot Mika. It's er. Possible. I guess. But we both have issues and obstacles to cross right now and don't exactly have time for dwelling on such a commitment. o_o It even sounds weird for me to even be talking of something like this. Surely it must fry his brain as well when he thinks of marrying me. Not to mention the uproar it'll cause when others find out. x_x Such a relationship, the relationship we have as of yet, isn't accepted by the Elven Code. I'd most certainly be shunned if the remainder of my race was to find out. But to me, that doesn't matter. They've already shunned me and left me free to do whatever I want. I have no obligations to them at all. -laghs- As a matter of fact, I believe Xavier already knows but has not voiced anything on the matter. Aethrial. Well. She can wait. I don't want my home to be incenerated any time soon. ^_^; I'm content with our status. If ever that step wants to be taken by him, then so be it. I exist solely for him.

o_o I'm kinda worried though. I'm rethinking giving him the gift I got. What if I scare him off with it? All this talk of marriage might make him skittish. o.O...Oh well. =^_^= Chasing him down is half the fun. No telling what'll happen when I catch him.

Broken
SB [10 Aug 2003|12:59am]
[ mood | nerdy ]
[ music | Ourselves - Ayumi Hamasaki ]

Hum. -toys with his bottom lip- I've finally figured out what SB means. Soul Bond. Soul Bonded. An extension of oneself through an avatar, usually alive and able to express emotion. -nods- I've also figured out that with being a soul bond comes many consequences and grief you just don't need as a muse. x_x A muse by the way is suspected to be a step below a SB. From my observances, acquiring such a title means more attention, better care, considerably much more consideration for your well-being, as well as more interaction with others (good or bad). However, angst, stress, and critical criticism and analysis runs parallel with that. At first I was..well I correct myself. At first I thought I was jealous because the others I know had a SB with their Creators. By the looks of things, I was the only one lacking such a partner. I soon found out that all that close-ness wasn't all shits and giggles though. When my Creator gets angry and such, I don't think I want to be within a ten mile radius of her wrath. I love* her to death for giving me life, but I'm a Gods-fearing, Creator-avoiding Elf. o.O I'd like to keep my limbs when she's anything but happy, thank you very much. Judging from the way she keeps banging her head against the wall, I know alot is on her mind right now but she is akin to hold it in. Like your's truly. ^_^;; So that's where I get it from. -fidgets- I'm still undecided on the SB issue. Whether being hers or not is good for my health I have yet to find out. Her mind is very sadistic when shes..er..well her mind is pretty sadistic period. You just don't see it most of the time because she's distracted by men, boys, bishounen, hunks, her lover, and candy. Not to mention food, thinking of ways to torture me, sex, thinking of ways to incorporate food with sex, thinking of ways to influence me into incorporating food with sex, drawing me in raunchy positions...that might lead to sex, (Eli. I see why she found pleasure in being around Azrael before his status as a sex fiend was changed), and watching me lose what little sense I have when I'm fed sugar. o.O Now who would want to be soul bonded to that? Strange how it's interesting and scary all at the same time. I guess I can go and give her a hug or something even if it's very unlike me to do so. I think the angst monster is hunting me down. o.o Thanks to her, no doubt. c.c After that hug...I'm gunna get the Hell away from her. Just incase she wants to deem me her official SB. ...-creeps away.-

* And yes I said 'love'. I only love two living beings on Shiikae. I guess it wouldn't hurt to add one more. >> Just don't get used to me saying that word. It's overrated and misused much too often. >_O

2 Shards | Broken
[03 Aug 2003|11:27pm]
[ mood | worried ]
[ music | American Life - Madonna ]

My most sincere thanks to those who were there to help me in my slight depression. I doubt I could have rebounded back to my feet any quicker if you had'nt been there for me. Though I hardly open up to any of you, I do appreciate you.

I took Lotan to an amusement park a day or two ago. It was an enjoyable trip, I must admit. The only downside to it was that it was my fault he and I were chased by mosquitos. Such nuisances. To make up for it, I owe him another trip there. But first he must complete his training with me. He's due for sparing lessons. I feel he has the potential to do well. Let's hope he can live up to those expectations. Aside from that, I met with one of his friends named Astraea. Quite the unusual woman she is. o_o; I got groped by her on accident. I found it amusing and I thought she meant to do that. >>; But I didnt know she was blind. x_x -bangs head against the wall- Maybe that's why I feel so bad. Stupid Sei.

Speaking of stupid Sei, I think Dominique is falling out of love with me. She feels like she "rushed through me" so to speak. It's obvious through my interaction with others that I have lost the original plan for the personality she set for me. I, personally, am not sure whether that is a good thing or bad thing. I am, for the most part, happy that I gained some humanity through my trials of life. I guess I will never truly understand her. It seems that ever since her bitch fit the night before last, she's grown unhappy with Xavier, Aethrial, and her new, nameless muse. He's the catastrophic factor in her mind right now. From what I've heard her protest about, she can not draw him, has no idea what he is to look like, is clueless as to what personality to give him, she can't find a perfect image of him, nothing she brainstorms seems fitting for him, and etc. Obviously she's in love with all her other friends' and aquaintances' characters because they are "so well developed, everything fits them to the fucking T, and they're gorgeous" among other things. She's even lost her will to write. Comparing her writing to others', she's lost all confidence in her own abilities. What scares me is that she's threatening to drop the new muse, quit the RP, and destroy Xavier, Aethrial, and I. To be more graphic, she wants to literally rip us apart, crucify our remains, and burn us at the stake so that not even a trace of memory of us will be left in our honor. If I had to give a reaction to this, I would have apathetically accepted the fact that she didn't love me anymore because the personality she gave me required for me to respond in such a manner. For once I think I am actually feeling the emotion of regret and how obsolete I have become to her. Though she claims she wants to halt our existance, I doubt she has developed the heart to do so yet. (She is still very capable, mind you.) Hopefully she will resolve the inner conflict she has with herself, though it's easier said than done. She won't rest until her characters can live up to and possibly exceed her friends'. Whomever these muses she's comparing us to are, they must be something special. I can tell even though I've never met them and possibly never will get the chance to. Eli, please help her to overcome this feeling inferiority. Our life, my life, depends on it.

See you later, if my Creator spares.

Broken
Spread too thin [29 Jul 2003|02:27am]
[ mood | depressed ]
[ music | Dead Silence ]

It's amazing how one day can be like a never ending dream and the day following turned into a ball of stress and aggravation. Too much is going on. Its eery how my life was a mindless droning procession of jumping into and out of the arms of Death each day with each mission I was assigned. And then I was awakened to happiness when I found my life's equal, Echo. Then another being was thrown into my life by my own doing, Lotan. An accident perhaps. True these additions into my existance were somewhat of a burden sometimes, but it was a burden I enjoyed. I finally wasn't alone anymore. But now, with the arrival of Xavier and Aethrial, all that peace has been shattered. I feel as if I'm being pulled limb from limb. I'm being spread too thin amongst all of them. Lotan thinks I'm ignoring him and I don't mean to be that way. It's just that I am not used to having anyone in my life; family especially. I've grown quite acquainted with a solitary lifestyle and it's hard to balance my time between Echo and Lotan. It seems I concentrate on one more than the other at times. To make circumstances even worse, I have to stay on my toes and squeeze information from Xavier and Aethrial. From what I know, a small section of our race that had escaped my murderous act a mere days before it happened want me back. They crave for me, even in my Evil state, to take a wife and replenish our race. Produce a generation of warriors to avenge our fallen empire. Others want me so that they can satifsy their thirst for blood. They want me dead. They desire my blood to run from every pore on my body, or perhaps to collect the decade bounty on my head. And still yet, the syndicate, the reason for Xavier's and Aethrial's presence, want me for their own selfish purposes. For power. And through it all, not one kind eye befalls my face. I'm a mere toy for Fate that's tossed back and forth, thrown in a lonely corner where I find bitter solace, and once again I'm retrieved and used. I have lost touch with who I am and who I want to be. I no longer know. Maybe I never knew and I just stumbled along with whatever this life threw at me.

I feel that I may have even turned the last person on my side against me. The moment I growled at him and rejected his attempt to help me, I knew I made a mistake. Ah Fate, do you toy with me again so soon? Had it not been for this cursed arcane symbol etched in my flesh I would have tempted you and defeated you at your own game. Alas, I am tied here. Stuck in a universe that neithr loves me nor despises me and refuses to let me exist. I want the moon to cry blood red tears that I cannot shed. I want the rain clouds to dispurse with my gray sight. I want the wind to sweep away my black soul. Once my body has merged with the soil, I wish for a garden to sprout where my remains were. And above all, I want to be held by the being who loves me most. Envelope me in your arms Mother, dust my lips with calming kisses Echo, warm me with a smile Lotan. Someone...anyone...Eli...accept me.

Maybe I wish for all this in vain. I've sinned far too many times to even be judged in the eye of my God. I just pray that he save me the expense of hurting those who grow so close to me despite the blood that drips from my fingertips. Spare them.

2 Shards | Broken
Urg. [28 Jul 2003|12:48am]
[ mood | content ]
[ music | Sakura Drops - Hikaru Utada ]

Well. I suppose my system is still out of wack from last night and all this afternoon. My memory is failing me unless I think really hard.. Ah well. To be truthful, being a feline wasn't all that bad. A feline on the large side, >_O but it had its perks. Before shifting forms I decided to encourage Echo to take revenge on Aethrial. She was rather nasty toward him the first time they met. How did he get even you ask? Well put plainly, he helped himself to shredding her braziers and underwear to his hearts desire. I even found amusement from all the stress she caused me by ripping her bedsheets and managing to scuff most of her clothing. Leather is very durable, I discovered. She hasn't seen us yet, therefore, she's most likely to blame it on Xavier. Speaking of, "Niqueish" took us to see him. He wasn't too bad. I still made it a point to swipe his cheek when he bent to pet Echo and me. I wonder if he knew our true identity though. Something in his eyes seemed to emit that feeling everytime he looked at us. The way he ran his fingers in our mass of soft, silken fur was as much intoxicating as it was provacative; it was so viciously slow and precise...like he was running his fingers through our hair had we been Elven at that moment. -shudders- He even performed a magical practice on us! He must have put a spell on this item he pulled from his bag. It appeared to be a toy resembling a large mouse on a string. My senses were shocked awake and I was instantly enchanted by its scent and taste. Echo and I were nearly at each other's throats in competition for this toy. ~.~ One downside to being a cat. Shortly after I felt that Xavier's pets were more of an act of hidden molestation than anything, I decided to break Nique's "Almighty Creator Powers" and regain my original form. It felt good to walk upright. I was feeling frisky so I treated Echo to ice cream...Uhm. A few hours later. -COUGH!- >> The idea of expending the rest of our energy came in the form of running around our home into a padded wall as well as a game of tag-me-and-I-slap-you-with-a-pillow-until-you-scream-like-a-little-girl. Must play that more often. About and hour and a half was used to exercise. It's vital to keep a healthy body whether you are Elven or otherwise. Here I admit that I am a hypocrite. In the so called "work out room", my mind was distracted by disgusting the drooling fan girls that seemed to occupy themselves by continously staring at the shirtless Echo and I. Honestly, I just wanted to complete my mile run on the 'treadmill incline' contraption but thought it was more fun to taunt them. I could have sworn that my Elven ears heard them chattering about undressing the both of us with their eyes and fainltly mumbled verbs like "riding", "making love", and "producing beautiful children." As if. I'd never bed a human unless I had to. Sure that he had heard everything I did, I took it upon myself to retrieve him from his machine (once the both of ours stopped, of course) and stroll behind him where I promptly licked a trail of sweat from the upper portion of his back to the ridge in his shoulder, making sure to throw a smile over my own shoulder at the gawking women. I loved reveling in those sighs of disapproval and disappointment. ^_^! Silly human females. And I thought our Creators were bad. Needless to say that my actions at the 'gym' lead to similar activities that shall remain nameless in the privacy of my own home. -purrs- A while after, I prepared a meal of ripe fruits and vegetables for us to consume. Echo is a virgin to such foods I've experienced, so exposing him to a few was well worth the trouble. I think we both favor the new dish I created in which I combine this new fluffy white cream in a can with strawberries. He didn't eat much solid food so I knew he was ready to fill his stomach with his traditional meal. Quite the spectacle to watch. Trust, he makes a clean kill that anyone could be proud of. A early night of acupuncture and grooming lead to a state of relaxation where we retreated to the rooftop to gaze at the stars in the Heavens and exchange simple caresses and feather light touches that mingled with idle conversation. Insomnia must have kicked in at some unnoticed point because we later found ourselves shoved in the master bedroom watching a "Dracula" movie. It was..interesting...to hear Echo rant about the injustices the movie served to the vampiric race and the "weak, false, bogus, totally unrealistic, and stereotypical portrayal of their habits and characteristics." Naturally all I could do was nod in agreement, seeing as how I have pratically no way to relate to that half of his bloodline. He's something to see when he's riled up on an issue he feels strongly about or all out opposes. A small game of seduction calmed him into a lull where I could show him the new toy my Creator gave each of us. Something called a CD player that emits melodies from a shiney disc. I think I can get used to it. Although we each had our own personal device, we found it more comfortable to share one pair of headphones. There is where my memory fails me. I believe we fell asleep nuzzled against each other for warmth. I take it we both slept in late after waking for something to eat and burying ourselves back inside the blankets. When I awoke he had already been returned to his Creator. I wouldn't mind doing this all over again. ^_^ Maybe next time he and I won't have to keep that secret about rummaging through Azreal's bondage kits and breaking windows on random houses with his whip. I think I accidentally targeted Nique's house. o_o What she doesn't know won't get me killed. Or shipped off to bootcamp again.

Broken
^__^ Bwuaha! [26 Jul 2003|12:45pm]
[ mood | giddy ]

Found the perfect words to a perfect song that describes *perfectly* my sexploits exploits last night. Bwuaha!


"Ice Cream"

Come and get a scoop of my ice cream, baby
JS got the flavors that I know will drive you crazy
Tonight it's gon' be like we were streamin', baby
Won't you taste my ice cream

Baby, you know I've got all the flavors that you want
Plus I got all the skills that I need to turn you on
Vanilla, strawberries, chocolate, baby boy, it's on
Now tell me can you picture my body on a cone

Baby, come lay your body right here I wanna ride it
Switch it up, turn it around, now come and get inside it
Tonight you're gonna have so much fun while tastin' my love
Tell me do you have a taste for vanilla wafers

Come and get a scoop om my ice cream, baby (Ice cream, yeah)
JS got the flavors that I know will dive you crazy (Flavors, yeah)
Tonight it's gon' be like (Yeah, yeah) we were streamin', baby (Won't you)
Won't you taste my ice cream

Now boy, it's getting late so don't hesitate, lets get to it
Just put the Chocolate Factory CD on and watch me lose it
Come in my story, like ending know what is it you want
Bananas mixed with peach, mixed with cherries, mixed with lime

Lots of all kinds, apples or lemon-lime
Come and try my coconut, it's gonna blow your mind
{Taste my ice cream} This is somethin' you wouldn't wanna miss, baby
31 flavors ain't got nothin' on this

Come and get a scoop of my ice cream, baby {Ooh}
JS got the flavors that I know will drive you crazy {Crazy, crazy, yeah}
Tonight it's gon' be like we were streamin', baby {Oh}
Won't you taste {Taste} my {My} ice {Ice} cream {Cream}

You ain't never seen (You ain't never seen milky water falls) {No,no}
You ain't never seen {You ain't never seen gumdrop walls) {No}
You ain't never seen (You ain't never seen a vanilla Tootsie Roll till you)
Taste (Taste) my (My) ice (Ice) cream (Cream, yeah)

Come and get a scoop of my ice cream, baby
(Come and get a scoop of my ice cream) {Bring me a scoop, boy}
JS got the flavors that I know will drive you crazy
(Come on and tate it, boy)
Tonight it's gon' be like we were streamin', baby
(Woo, won't you)
Won't you tatse my ice cream (Taste my ice cream, yeah}

Come and get a scoop of my ice cream, baby
{Oh, I know your'e gonna like it, boy} (Like it)
JS got the flavors that I know will drive you crazy
{Once I give it to you, baby boy}
Tonight it's gon' be like we were streamin', baby
{It's like Lifesavers} (Yeah) {All these flavors} (Yeah)
Won't you taste my ice cream {Whoa...whoa...whoa...ice cream}

Come and get a scoop of my ice cream, baby
JS got the flavors that I know will drive you crazy
{Strawberries} (Strawberries) {Rasberries} (Rasberries)
Tonight it's gon' be like we were streamin', baby {All those good things, yeah}
Won't you taste my ice cream

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