Honey, baby, sweetie-pie's Blurty|
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Honey, baby, sweetie-pie's Blurty:
|Wednesday, December 3rd, 2003|
|Well, it was a banner fuckin night....
And then I got home.
A little history: my family's moving to Florida because my dad finally got a job, and I'm trying like hell to stay here, because hell if I'm leaving behind a solid circle of friends, a college-career all planned out, and a boyfriend of three years. So tomorrow the house is being shown to a realtor- not even any prospective buyers yet, just a realtor to assess a value and suggest some areas of improvement. So I was commanded to clean my room, and since I didn't have to work today after school, I did ninety percent of it before Andy came to hang out. So he sat here for twenty minutes while I worked some more on my room, at which point I said "Fuck it, I'll finish when I get home."
I don't know WHAT the fuck happened in the time I was gone, but I came home to my mom unlocking the door, no greeting like normal, throwing the door keys on the floor after I come in. I figure it's probably something my dad did, so I hike upstairs and get right to work again.
I'm putting away my cd's when I hear behind me, "You gonna finish this damn room?"
"Yes," I say, "I'm doing it right now."
"I thought you'd do the whole thing before you left, before you went anywhere or did anything. I didn't even think you were
doing anything tonight. You'll never get all this done."
"What are you talking about? I got ninety percent of it done before I left, and here I am working on it again! I know I'm not done, I realize this."
"Pf, it still looks like shit. You get this fucking room clean. I will not have to worry every time we have to show this house to people about whether your room is a fucking disaster or not."
"I AM WORKING ON IT, DO YOU NOT SEE THIS?"
"Fuck you, get it clean and you keep it that way or you can find somewhere else to stay."
"Yeah, well, I'm working on that too."
"Not fucking fast enough."
My mom has been the only good (if not stable) thing at home since I was five. So now that I've gone out and bought her a Christmas present and I was feeling bad because I wasn't moving to Florida with them and I thought
my mom was upset about it, she turns into a big fucking bitch. So now I don't know what the fuck to do. Andy's parents are in South America for a week, and I'm really tempted just to crash there for a week since he can drive his mom's car and I can drive his. But after that week, what the hell do I do? They probably won't let me come back if I leave, even if only temporarily and I make that clear, and then I have no car and a half-hour commute to work and an hour to school. So my hands are fucking tied, and all I can do is put up with more bullshit from them until I can get a car. That's the only thing holding me back, really, is not having a car, and after that I might just take Ken up on his offer of a room at his place and that'll be the fucking end of that.
Why fucking now? Right when I have to save every penny I earn, and all I want to do is get rilly fucking trashed and not think about anything for a while. Current Mood: enraged
|Tuesday, December 2nd, 2003|
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK I AM SO FUCKING MISERABLE JUST DON'T TALK TO ME BECUASE YOU DON'T EESERVE TO HAVE TO HEAR THIS SHIT.
it also shouldn't bother me that when he said goodbye he didn't bother to wait for my response.
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME????
What the hell is my problem that I'm so pissed off at Andy for not carrying his cell phone tongiht, i wasn't supposed to get to see him anyways and it doesn't matter because he was at aluren's birthday party, which i was not informed of, and he thinks that he couldn't have ducked out for half an hour to come pick me up from work (cuz i actuallyu could have gotten off early tongith) but what pisses me off so much is this is the same bullshit he pulled back when I was still not friendly with her and he was, and he'd go hang out with her and make excuses for why he couldn't leave even though all she does is spend her time on her cell phone when she's with someone else and WHY IN THE HELL IS HE MAKING EXCUSES FOR HER WHEN HE KNOWS THIS IS THE SHIT THAT PISSED ME OFF BEFORE.
I can't write anymore. I'm banging the shit out of my keyboard and my mom has informed me that it's keeping her up and we're having a fucking realtor inh the house on thursday which means i have to go clean my room. i really don't want to go clean my room i am SO NOT IN THE FUCKING MOOD RIGHT NOW but that's life i dnon't get to do what it is i'm in the mood for, i have homeowrk and work and a messy fucking room and a boyfriend who makes excuses for another girl and doesn't carry his cell phone.
jus' a quickie....
I'm at school and all. Havin a pretty good day, but I still have to slog through math and work, so it's up in the air. It depends who I'm workin with- if it's Bobby, Garrett, or both, game on. But otherwise I may have to beat my head against a wall repeatedly.
Feelin better than I was yesterday, but I do that- I always feel better in the morning.
Nate, you're 73|-| |< 3\/\/311357! R4\/\/|
|Woman cannot exist on ramen noodles and sporadic sex.
Today wasn't so bad as I thought it was gonna be, school and all. I finished my paper at two in the morning, five pages plus two lines and that ain't damn bad. Discovered in English that my final project is due in a week (I am |=uXX0R3|), it's editing all eight or nine papers I've written this quarter based on his comments on the returned paper, and guess who lost half of them???) and that's utter badness. Drawing went well, we're doing perspective, it's easy and it's fun and I get to sit somewhere other than the classroom for it. Damn skippy. Math was 73|-| 5u(|< as always, but I got it today and that's a nice thing, all around. Work was fucking interminable, but better than the nine-and-a-half hour shift which was yesterday.
So I'm rilly worried about what's going to happen in six months or less. I don't have enough money to buy a car, and will my parents help me out at all? Nooooooooo. Dun be stoopid. I have to find a car, pay for insurance, maintenance, and the like, find a place to live (which will, in all reality, probably be the extra upstairs bedroom at Andy's dad's. It's free. 'Nough said.) and convince the new inhabitants of my house to send me my mail so I can still get indistrict tuition rates at CoD- cuz lemme tell you kids, I was uber-unimpressed with Waubonsee. But that's that. I don't know what I'm gonna do when my family is all down in Florida finally. Yeah yeah, party it up for a while, but that's only because my bitch father will be gone. I'll miss my mom and sibs like crazy, even though I could chuck 'em all out a high window with a clear conscience at the moment. And let's be honest: six hundred a month is never gonna cut through my expenses. And I can't feasibly take on hours at the bookstore in addition to my current gig, go to school full-time, and still retain what little there is of my ever-loving sanity.
And the subject line? You know a couple of things will/could happen if I move into Andy's dad's house:
1. Andy's dad decides never to go out of town again.
2. Andy's dad is forced by Andy's mom to never go out of town again.
3. Andy's parents will decide that, since I'm there anyways, that playing cards with them can be a nightly thing. Hell, I already see what I think is just a tad too much of them. I'm sorry his mom is feeling sad because she's feeling lonely, I'm sorry his dad is in emotional upheaval over whatever or another, I'm sorry I saw his mom kiss his dad quite friendly-like on the lips in the kitchen on her way out when his dad has a girlfriend. I'm sorry they're going out of town for a week together and you know what'll happen and then it'll stop and his mom will get all depressed over it.
4. I'll go on tangents like that more often. YIKES!
5. Andy and I will become so much more comfortable around each other than we already are
6. Do not doubt 5 could be a bad thing, causing less sexual activity/creativity and the like.
7. We'll never do anything apart anymore and get sick of each other's company
8. And what the hell do I do if (IF) we break up? God I don't want to think about things like that, because I love him more than I deserve to, but reality is bleak: if he and I were to separate, I wouldn't, COULDN'T stay in the same house with him. The pain of seeing him every day would kill me. If the pain of the breakup didn't. Three years, THREE YEARS of my life I have spent nearly always taking his presence for granted- I realized the other day that I had ceased to think of him as another person entirely who happens to love me, but as one of my mental friends that I dreamed up, and in one moment I was looking at him and realizing that this was another human, separate from my being completely, and it kills me that some other person could love me like he does. It seems like he ought to be all in my head, for as perfect as he is. Little flaws be damned, this kid, let me tell you, is the most perfect boyfriend you could ask for. I don't want to hear about your boyfriend. My boyfriend never gets pissed at me for taking him for granted, has raised his voice at me but once, ever, in anger, and this was because I was taking out my anger on him unfairly. I do this ALL THE FUCKING TIME and he's only gotten upset with me about it once. He is incredibly flexible and doesn't mind when I don't get to shave my legs that day and kisses me when I ask and kisses me when I don't ask and doesn't complain when I'm pissy over work/friends/PMS and listens to me whine whenever I need to and doesn't mind when all I wanna do is nap with him and still stares at me like I'm a brand new girl and makes me laugh and tries to keep me in line (shopping is definitely my poison) and he does stupid things that I ask him to do, like bleach his hair for change and go half with me on video games and....
and I can't write anymore. My hands hurt dammit. More later, after the cramping subsides. Current Mood: contemplativeCurrent Music: Yoko Kanno- The Real Folk Blues
|Sunday, November 30th, 2003|
|GAH (beewaaare, I sweeearrrrr...)
So I'm supposed to be writing a three-to-five page paper right now, and I just can't do it. I have my notes from the past two days worth of reading (thank god for that or I'd never get this thing done) but I can't get anything out of it, much less a solid thesis, a coherent and cohesive body, a resounding conclusion. I am 73|-| |=uXX0R3D on this one yo.
Gotta agree with Nate on this one, going back to school is not lookin like an option right now....albeit I'm at teh shitty community college....at least I'm with my friends who are not off at college....my boyfriend, really.....
And on top of it all, I think I'm getting sick, and it might be mono. Thanks Andy.
I warned you. I told you I like sex. Did too. Current Mood: crappyCurrent Music: www.slowwavesleep.com/slowwavesleep.mp3