Not so sure... So, I am feeling awfully confused right now...praying it is not my depression starting another kick, but I am just depressed. I started my new job on Tuesday and I am liking it well enough so far. I am picking up the concepts and learning pretty quickly, but tonight, I felt... I don't know, different. I missed Sean like crazy all day. He is all I think about and all I talk about, but I just felt distant from him tonight. It wasn't so bad when I first got home, and up until like dinner, but after the Suns game was over, just distant. I don't know, reading into nothing I am sure, but we only get a few hours after work so see each other and get in the needed "us" time before it is bedtime. We had a good night, don't get me wrong. I stress this because it really was good. We played catch out in the street in front of his house, and had dinner all together (except Caitlin, she worked really late because it was month's end). We all were in the same room watching the Suns game/playing pool, but then tonight, it was just like goodnight. Here I sit, listening to that snorning, which I have to tell you, was horribly frustrating last night when I couldn't stay alseep for more than thirty minutes without him snoring. But he is sick, so hopefully it will get better when he does.
I think I am just needy (again). It is hard to place after becoming so independent, but I am pretty sure that is what this is. I want that touching and talking at night before bed. I love our late night conversations, I love talking to him, I always feel so close to him when we talk, like last night. We talked about so much, and we are always more touchy and intimate when we have really great conversations, but tonight, like three kisses, and off to bed.
I know Sean has the best of intentions, he would never hurt me on purpose, but like, fuck sometimes I just DONT KNOW. I am frustrating the fuck out of myself. Number one, because I am not going to be able to sleep, and I need to, I have to be at work in less than 9 hours, and I am doing the whole read into shit thing again, more than that, I am really more and more bothered, the more I factor Sean into my whole life, and my future until I die, by his smoking. He smokes more when he drinks, and he drinks quite a bit. Not so much recently, but still. I told him what I am about to tell here, about Pap dying, and how fucking hard that was for us all to go through. I had become so close to him, and watching him die for a solid year, and being there, and the funeral, it is all still so fresh in my mind. And then Joe that gave the speech on smoking in high school, that I managed to keep in contact with for all those years, and eventually stopped writing...for one reason or another... and dont even get me started on the alcoholism in my family and the things it has done to us... I always swore I would never marry a smoker, and look at me go. It is "his choice" and "his habit" as he so effectionately calls it, but it is my life, my future, my everything now too. I don't want him to be the dad who can't keep up with his kids because he can't breathe. Or the grandpa that everyone watches die for years. And it scares me shitless to think he could become every alcoholic in my family. Granted, he is 23, he can get away with drinking a lot more no than he can in ten years, everyone drinks more at this stage in their life, but, again, something I consider. I am not trying to hurt him, since here, I write what I think as I think it, as a journal, but I, at times like right now, remember that he does read this...so, Sean: I love you more than everything. You ARE my life, and I want you to be my life until the day I die. I am not trying to nitpick, or accuse, or pretend I am better than you, have made better choices, or know any better than you, because we both know that is the furthest thing from the truth. However, as I said before, you are my EVERYTHING and what you do effects me. I am looking out for the well-being of both you and me, and for our future. Crossing my "t"s and dotting my "i"s as the case may be. I want you to be happy with me, and I want to be happy being with you. We are perfect, as you know, and I want it to stay this way forever. I have to say what goes through my mind to keep it real with you and avoid future put-off problems. As I think of them, I bring them up. Hug me, kiss me, love me baby. You know how much I love you...
Remember to be real with me too...I know you think things that you don't say.
(and I know I told him to go to sleep tonight after "talk to me" regarding what I was thinking...but I am sad he did. There were some things I wanted to say, just couldn't find the words to make it come out right. Now I can't sleep. Wishing my life away....with these things I'll never say...)
"If I could say what I want to say, I'd say I wanna blow you away. Be with you every night. Am I squeezing you too tight? If I could see what I want to see, I wanna see you go down on one knee, 'marry me today'. I'm wishing my life away with these things I'll never say."
Current Mood: depressed and anxious
Current Music: fan