Sydney Donahoe's Blurty
 
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Sydney Donahoe's Blurty:

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    Sunday, August 14th, 2005
    2:30 am
    I haven't written here in a long time because I have been doing "myspace" you can see my blog and page there if anyone wants...most anyone who would read this already has that address, but in case not, it is http://www.myspace.com/sydnizzle.

    Anyway, so I officially got my name changed...the social security office says my name is Sydney Elyse Donahoe...pretty neat.

    Things have been great as far as married life goes...of course there are the arguements, but what relationship of any kind doesn't have those? I have been having a few..."wow, did we get married too early???" questioning moments, but I remember my past relationships where I would ask the same questions, granted, they are over, but I could have easily married any of them....and Sean is just so different... genuine, sincere, plain old nice to me, he actually cares what is wrong when something....usually. I say usually because there have been a few times (two actually) where he has just given up on me...he just left me. Left the apartment, whithout saying where he was going...it was sad...after the last time I said to please never just leave again, and he said he wouldn't, but it was still sad, nonetheless.

    Sean says he will do anything for me, and I believe him. He said he would quit smoking for me the night before our wedding, adn he has stopped... just two cigarettes since then, but I mean, he doesn't smoke anymore. He is not a smoker.... I believe he would do anything for me, but I still feel like he is keeping things from me sometimes...this is not all the time, mind you, but just sometimes, when I walk into the room when he doesn't know I am coming, or when I watch him when he doesn't know I am looking....things like that, I get this feeling, and he is quick to realize I am there, and change whatever he is doing, but sometimes I see him when he doesn't see me....I may just be freaking out a tad, but I still wonder...what does it mean? You know? Anyway, I guess that is it, it is nice to be writing on here again nonetheless...I will try to more often...

    Current Mood: contemplative
    Current Music: Three Doors Down
    Wednesday, June 1st, 2005
    11:01 pm
    Not so sure... So, I am feeling awfully confused right now...praying it is not my depression starting another kick, but I am just depressed. I started my new job on Tuesday and I am liking it well enough so far. I am picking up the concepts and learning pretty quickly, but tonight, I felt... I don't know, different. I missed Sean like crazy all day. He is all I think about and all I talk about, but I just felt distant from him tonight. It wasn't so bad when I first got home, and up until like dinner, but after the Suns game was over, just distant. I don't know, reading into nothing I am sure, but we only get a few hours after work so see each other and get in the needed "us" time before it is bedtime. We had a good night, don't get me wrong. I stress this because it really was good. We played catch out in the street in front of his house, and had dinner all together (except Caitlin, she worked really late because it was month's end). We all were in the same room watching the Suns game/playing pool, but then tonight, it was just like goodnight. Here I sit, listening to that snorning, which I have to tell you, was horribly frustrating last night when I couldn't stay alseep for more than thirty minutes without him snoring. But he is sick, so hopefully it will get better when he does.

    I think I am just needy (again). It is hard to place after becoming so independent, but I am pretty sure that is what this is. I want that touching and talking at night before bed. I love our late night conversations, I love talking to him, I always feel so close to him when we talk, like last night. We talked about so much, and we are always more touchy and intimate when we have really great conversations, but tonight, like three kisses, and off to bed.

    I know Sean has the best of intentions, he would never hurt me on purpose, but like, fuck sometimes I just DONT KNOW. I am frustrating the fuck out of myself. Number one, because I am not going to be able to sleep, and I need to, I have to be at work in less than 9 hours, and I am doing the whole read into shit thing again, more than that, I am really more and more bothered, the more I factor Sean into my whole life, and my future until I die, by his smoking. He smokes more when he drinks, and he drinks quite a bit. Not so much recently, but still. I told him what I am about to tell here, about Pap dying, and how fucking hard that was for us all to go through. I had become so close to him, and watching him die for a solid year, and being there, and the funeral, it is all still so fresh in my mind. And then Joe that gave the speech on smoking in high school, that I managed to keep in contact with for all those years, and eventually stopped writing...for one reason or another... and dont even get me started on the alcoholism in my family and the things it has done to us... I always swore I would never marry a smoker, and look at me go. It is "his choice" and "his habit" as he so effectionately calls it, but it is my life, my future, my everything now too. I don't want him to be the dad who can't keep up with his kids because he can't breathe. Or the grandpa that everyone watches die for years. And it scares me shitless to think he could become every alcoholic in my family. Granted, he is 23, he can get away with drinking a lot more no than he can in ten years, everyone drinks more at this stage in their life, but, again, something I consider. I am not trying to hurt him, since here, I write what I think as I think it, as a journal, but I, at times like right now, remember that he does read this...so, Sean: I love you more than everything. You ARE my life, and I want you to be my life until the day I die. I am not trying to nitpick, or accuse, or pretend I am better than you, have made better choices, or know any better than you, because we both know that is the furthest thing from the truth. However, as I said before, you are my EVERYTHING and what you do effects me. I am looking out for the well-being of both you and me, and for our future. Crossing my "t"s and dotting my "i"s as the case may be. I want you to be happy with me, and I want to be happy being with you. We are perfect, as you know, and I want it to stay this way forever. I have to say what goes through my mind to keep it real with you and avoid future put-off problems. As I think of them, I bring them up. Hug me, kiss me, love me baby. You know how much I love you...

    Remember to be real with me too...I know you think things that you don't say.

    (and I know I told him to go to sleep tonight after "talk to me" regarding what I was thinking...but I am sad he did. There were some things I wanted to say, just couldn't find the words to make it come out right. Now I can't sleep. Wishing my life away....with these things I'll never say...)

    "If I could say what I want to say, I'd say I wanna blow you away. Be with you every night. Am I squeezing you too tight? If I could see what I want to see, I wanna see you go down on one knee, 'marry me today'. I'm wishing my life away with these things I'll never say."

    Current Mood: depressed and anxious
    Current Music: fan
    Friday, May 27th, 2005
    7:42 am
    It's Early...
    So...I got up at 7:30 this morning...way too early if you ask me. Especially considering I was up for hours looking at colleges. I really couldn't sleep last night. It took me forever to fall asleep, mostly because I was savoring snuggling with Sean while he slept. But even after I decided to try to sleep, it was useless. I have been getting probably no more than three or four hours of disprupted sleep a night for the past few weeks. I just can't sleep. I have tried going to bed early, and I just lay there for hours. I have tried staying up really late, and then I just lay there, and then wake up earlier. I have tried taking melatonin, which worked like a champ at my mom's house for a few nights, and is now failing miserably. I have tried counting sheep, literally. I have tried shavasanah from yoga, I have tried imagining black, getting very restful, not allowing any part of my body to move, and trying to like disattach myself from my body, that used to work when I was little, and nothing is working. So now I just give up. I have a new found appreciation for Sean's breathing cycle next to me for hours on end...actually it is neat to note the rhythmic changes throughout the night that can probably be attributed to dreams, or different stages of sleep, neat if nothing else.

    Anywho, so I am awake. I am going to go over to Mimi and Papa's before too terribly long, get something to eat and maybe go to the pool for a few minutes. You really can't stay longer than that, or you will fry and die. And we don't want that.

    Stressing too. I think that is probably a good portion of why I can't sleep. Now I am stressing about school. I am wondering where Sean and I will end up...I was looking last night, and it was U of I that had the law school I knew about, not Boise...which changes things...I haven't really talked to him about how long he is planning to wait before he goes, but regardless, he can't go in Boise. To get most of my core, and some elective courses out of the way through NIC, I could only be there a year...then go wherever, but at the same time, it takes a year to establish residency...so we need to be wherever for a year before either of us can go back to school. I don't really want to finally get back into school only to have to move an be out for a year....or I guess pay the out of state tuition the first year...I guess that is an option. Also, you can get in state tuition if you are married to a resident of the state...Sean being Arizona, me being Idaho...so maybe that could help. Either way, I am weighing the stresses of wanting to be closer to CDA to watch Steenie in high school ball, and the other kids in their functions, (missed Hayden's DARE graduation yesterday) It is just so hard being so far away when they are young and growing up without me...Not to mention, I really do like Boise, and there is a lot I like to do there, and the "home-like" feeling it has for me. Closer is better...for right now, but what about everything else. I am trying to look at it through Sean's eyes. While I know he would go to Mars with me if I asked him, what is better for him and us, not just me? And the answer is terribly skewed... I have a few months...but fuck. I cannot come up even once a month or two, much less every other weekend from Phoenix, I just can't. So what to do? Not to mention, I am 7 months away from residency in Arizona...AND Melissa is going to be in Boise....and I need her. Been far too long without her close by. So much stress...let it go, ok, gone. Nothing to worry about. I cant change anything, there will be sacrifices, and I will not be completely satisfied either way, so I might as well get over it. And I also have to remember that I will disappoint people no matter what decidion is made. Thsi is what I get for going off and falling in love with someone who lives a thousand miles from my concept of reality, lol. (statement to be taken lightly, Sean is the best thing to ever happen to me, and I wouldn't change any of it for the world.....and we all know how bad I want to world!!!) So anyway, going to shower and get ready for the day...

    Current Mood: stressed
    Current Music: the fan
    Sunday, May 22nd, 2005
    11:17 pm
    Back Home...
    I have been really depressed lately. I cannot get past so much. I have so much on my plate right now that it is suffocating and overwhelming. I try to look up, "keep my head up" if you will, but I just keep falling back down again. Sean is such a savior to me. If it were not for him, and his unconditional love, I don't know where I would be. I know I have so much love from my family, and a few friends, but it's my respect for the way Sean loves me, and the extent to which I love him as well that keep me going.

    Driving down here and listening to music and thinking, I was trying to get past the hate, stand above the depression, and just move forward with a "one day at a time" outlook on my life right now, but I am failing miserably at it. I keep having panic attacks, and while I am so glad I am back, it has been great to be here, and with Sean, I just can't kick the feeling. I hate being sad. And I hate it when the way I feel effects me enough that I effect those that I love. Sean has gotten so much more happy since I have been home, he is smiling all the time, he is just happy. I feel so happy to be here too, I love being together and the way he makes me feel, but I feel so guilty that I cannot reciprocate the extreme happiness that he is feeling. And it is effecting everything. Today we went to see Star Wars and afterwards I was thinking about how it is not too far fetched to say that I am really hanging on by a string...like, one more really bad thing and it is going to snap, and who will catch me when I fall? Not me...and I am the only one who can save me. Anyway, I just got more depressed, so I am going to end this. I am staying at Sean's again tonight. One, because I absolutely do not want to be apart from him unless it is totally necessary, and two, because I have a job interview at a place like a block from his house...so to avoid driving a half hour from Scottsdale, I am staying with my baby.

    Side Note: It was 111 degrees today... insane...you cannot walk from the house to your car without getting sweaty. Craziness...

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: the fan blowing
    11:06 pm
    When we are kids, we are told that when we grow up, we can be anything we want to be...have everything we ever wanted...there are different things that are required to get there: hard work, determination, persistence, will....but it is untrue. A falsehood created by past idealists that would strive for their own goal, never achieving them, blaming it on the fact that they never worked hard enough for it, or they were unfortunate, but in reality, they never got what they wanted because life does not allow for personal perfection.

    I watched Shrek 2 with my mom tonight and had a few drinks...afterwards she said that she was sad I was leaving... "I hate this" she said. And I felt a twinge in my heart...felt for her. I thought, "I wish I could stay." But then my thoughts went right back to Sean and how excited I am to be going back there to him. I thought about the pools and the hottub, and the heat. I thought about Mimi and Papa and sandwiches and the balcony. I thought about poker out there and the candles. I thought about Silos. And it is so true...no matter what I want, I will never get it all. I would love to be close to my siblings, drive them to practice daily, watch their games after school, play with them on the weekends. I would love to live near all of my friends and be able to go see any of them any time I wanted. I would love to have Sean, and his family, and his friends close enough to see just as often...yet I also want to be able to get away, have my own life, do my own things, my own friends, family, life. And it turns out that you just can't have everything you want. So it is the harsh reality that you have to choose what is most important to you...this is hard for me. While Sean is the most important thing in my life, I am the most important thing to other people...I cannot be in five places at once, so how do I make everyone happy. I can't. And I hate being responsible for the saddness of another person. So what do you do...take it as overwhelming a thought as it really is, or move past it, count your blessings, accept your losses, and go on with life like you are as happy as you can be? Guess so.
    Thursday, May 19th, 2005
    1:10 pm
    Last Day Here...
    Now that it is day time and I am no longer stoned or drunk, I am still just as firey pissed as I was last night....only difference is that now I am coming up with justifications for my thoughts and future actions, ones I should not be having. I hate being this pissed, especially when i don't understand why what happened happened. If I could understand at least where the other person was coming from, then cool, I can understand, but when it is just beyond my rationale....what do you do???

    Anyway, just finish today and go home tomorrow, this all goes away from the forefront of my mind....but what irks me is that I know it will happen again... get me out of this fucking town...

    I love Sean. I love Sean. I love Sean. I love Sean!!!!! (thinking of Sean and the way he makes me feel and the way we are makes the rest of the world not matter...it goes away and I am left in my content little world with the perfection of "us") I love Sean!!! I love Sean!!! I love Sean Liam Donahoe!!!!!!!!!!!!! (feel like I am a fifth grader, covering my notebooks with "Sydney Donahoe" and "I love Sean"s)

    Current Mood: feeling much better, thank you
    Current Music: bring on the rain
    2:01 am
    Don't Fuck With Me!!!
    I have never needed to talk to Sean more than I do right fucking now. It is quite concievable that I have never been as pissed off as I am right now, and never for a more idiotic thing. I need Sean to convince me that petty "high school" drama is not worth getting all pissed over...and that I am so much better than being effected by immature people taking low, stupid blows at me. I need him to remind me why I am being the bigger person by stepping down, and that this is not worth my time. Tell me that the people who know me know the truth, and they will stand beside me. I need to settle the fuck down. I am not going to put what "it" is because I am embarrassed for it to even be a thing, and I will regret even writing it down when I am calm in the morning. I have so much adrenaline pumping through me that my arms are tingling...I could kick some serious ass right now, and I would, but I know not reacting on animal instincts will keep me in the position of being the bigger person, how sometimes walking away is the RIGHT thing to do.

    I need to go to sleep. I smoked tonight and drank...I am stoned, not drunk....but I am definitely not thinking clearly. I need to lay down and hibernate and then be better after I sleep. Melissa had my back tonight....if I didn't get a brain and tell myself to back down, I would have kicked ass tonight and had hell to pay and shit to explain come morning. No ruined future for me...just pissed the fuck off...Melissa said she would have kicked ass, and she would have with me, but I told her, and myself that letting myself go is not being the bigger person, just fucking sucks that only I will ever know it...and her I guess. Fucking gay...

    Current Mood: pissed
    Current Music: Staind...blasting
    Wednesday, May 18th, 2005
    3:04 am
    Three More Days...
    It has been so long since I have been so depressed, and so unreachable. It is not just the depression. I cannot even get to myself. If I could just get it out...My teeth are constantly gritted so hard I have a headache...I can't function or do anything worthwhile like this. I finally, got to talk to Sean tonight...it was long awaited, and when it finally did come, I had nothing to say...there was so much I wanted to talk about earlier, so much to say, and when the time comes, I can't even get small talk out...just deafening silence. So I told him not to worry about it, to just go to sleep, and now I am kicking myself for not keeping him on the phone for just a few minutes longer...for whatever reason. I am losing my fucking mind.

    I am moving back to Phoenix this weekend...after being fucked up again...I realized that is the best logical and reasonable option for me right now. I need to get a job and stay there for a while...none of this job for two weeks shit...Anyway, and I have to do it where Sean is...I simply can't live without him...so, he lives in Phoenix, that is where I need to be. My mom is trying to convince me that it is best for me to stay here and work until he can feasibly move up to Boise with me, which, in all actuality IS the best idea...I just landed a job as a supervisor at a telemarketing company here, and I can stay with my family here, I already AM here...etc. But the bottom line is, SEAN DOESN'T LIVE IN CDA!!! Understand this people...I came here for Melissa's graduation and Dennis' presidential...the day before I moved, my plan was to live and owrk in Boise...things changed that night...so here I sit, changing it again. I have to be with Sean, he can't be in Boise yet, which is where I need to eventually work and live for this period of my life...so I have to go to him. Literally...have to. Just understand it...

    So I am going to Melissa's graduation on Friday and then leaving shortly thereafter, going to Twin for the evening/night...and then back to good 'ol Phoenix Saturday...seems like I just made that drive, lol. But, with Sean, I am going to marry him...he is my whole life, and therefore really needs to be in it...not just a second thought. God I love him...

    I am working with Joanne in the morning...trying to make enough cash to get to Phoenix...otherwise, wherever I run out of gas is where I am living for the next few months...lol. I try to laugh it off, even though it is sort of a REALLY FUCKING STRESSFUL thing. Sean says not to stress about it...but I have to. I have bills that need paid that I simply don't have money for...not complicated. Have to have a job to make money to pay bills...have to get to AZ to get job to have money to pay bills...have the get through the next few days to do that. So here I go. I have the worst headache I have had in months...thank you tears.

    Papa told me today, "Love means never having to say you're sorry." And he meant it. I was thanking them for all they have done for me...how it is my shit, my problems, and they have no obligation to help me, but how much I appreciate it. And he said he would do it for any of "us kids"...unconditioonal love is the strongest force in the universe...I would put everything I have into that belief.

    After going through today, and so long of holding my anger and frustration back and not letting it out, I decided a carefully managed meltdown was probably the best thing I could do...so I had it, I am done, and now I am making necessary changes and starting from rock bottom...again.

    Nothing gets to me more than quotes, as we all know, so here are a few for the road:

    "If you are going through Hell, keep going." Winston Churchill

    "Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm." Winston Churchill

    "I would make a lousy anyone else, but I am the best me in existence."

    "A lot of people have gone further than they thought they could because someone else thought they could." Zig Ziglar

    "If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans."

    "The skill of accurate perception is called cynicism by those who do not posess it." Alan Miller

    "True friends stab you in the front." Winston Churchill

    "Love takes off masks we fear we cannot live without, but know we cannot live within."

    "The hardest thing of all is learning to be a well of affection, and not a fountain; to show them we love them not when we feel like it, but when they do."

    "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength; loving someone deeply gives you courage."

    Current Mood: depressed
    Tuesday, May 17th, 2005
    3:18 am
    Not Soon Enough...
    Well, that was weird. When I first opened and booted up my computer just now, it connected me to the internet...everytime I have been sitting right here in this very bed and have not been able to connect, and today, for like five minutes I got to connect...that was neat. My poor confused computer.

    So I went to work today for Connie....got three days of shit done in like three hours, and she had nothing else for me to do...and nothing for tomorrow...sucky, but then I picked up Melissa and we got my scrapbooking stuff from my house and laptop and went to Coffeeville to have lunch and use the internet there. About half way through our nice two hour visit there, I look over and there is this extremely familiar English Gentleman sitting there...Nana, Fred, adn Mollie were there. I'm like, "That's my family!" to Melissa and we went over to them, English people are so funny...Nana had me look up hotel reservations for her for the Tourney in Spokane for Steener this weekend...they wanted to stay at the Davenport, but it was booked solid, so we got them in at teh Marriott, Nana mesmerized the whole time by the new invention of the "internet". So that was funny to see them there, what are the chances? (no comment, Sean...)

    Then we went to Center Partners (supposed to be briefly) so I could apply there. Turned out, not only could I apply, but then they had me take a typing test, then a computer orientation test, then a telesales knowledge test, then they interviewed and hired me on the spot...but not before I got to run across the street for a pop drug test...which I passed! The whole thing took over an hour and half with poor Melissa waiting in the car the whole time. She insisted it was fine each time I ran out to do something else, or texted her to appologize, but I would have been annoyed...The only issue with the job is that I don't start training until Monday, it is three days long, and I leave Friday to go back to Boise. I am going to try to work on Friday and then drive later in the day, but we will see if there is a shift available.

    Then we went to see Robots at the Discount Theater... oh my God, so funny...I will be quoting that for a long time to come. Then we went back to her house to scrapbook and we got Pizza Rolls and finished watching I Still Know What You Did Last Summer...such a cornyt movie, but I love it. And then I got a few more pages done, so I am pretty happy about it. Really passed the day today....which is nice, since the days have been pretty dragging waiting to see Sean again...

    So....Sean: Where to start.....

    He is something else, as we all know, but he has been freaking me out recently a little bit. I know it is because we are not together and I cannot talk to him like I normally would about things, but I really feel alone here. I know he is feeling it too, but it is hard to feel that reciprocated feeling so far away and just via phone. I have been finding myself getting nervous about what he is doing...especially when he goes out to the bar. I have never felt that way about it before. I have always been completely ok with his going...but I just don't know. I get this twinge feeling, I can't explain it...to be EXTREMELY honest, I think I just figured out where it started. I have been trying to understand the feeling, and I think I got it. On our drive up here, to Boise, Sean said somethingg about having to text "someone" back about Boise...I nonchalantly asked who and he said, just this bartender from Six Shooters...Carissa. Now, had any other name come out of his mouth, my reaction probably would have been normal, but it hit me in the gut, you know how some things just do. This girl is not only a bartender at Shooters, but she also is a Stripper, equipped with big old fake boobs and just the complete slut package...my kind of girl, let me tell you. I met her through Justin Carter a few times hanging out at Johnny's or Justin's. So basically, I wasn't completely comfy with the idea. But it is Sean, and I trrust him...another other guy I have ever dated and it would have been an issue to be brought up and worth discussing, but, going around that huge on-ramp in Twin to go toward Boise, I convinced myself to brush it off, it was an over-reaction from a past heartbreak, Sean loves me...let it go. But I just can't shake the feeling. I know it is because I am not there...things would be so different if I was, but I'm not and they aren't. So today he tells me he just grabs the passing waitress there and talks to them "about me"...whatever that means...just trips me out...not sure why. And yesterday, I was re-reading some old IM conversations between the two of us before we were together, and there was one where he was talking about this girl he would frequently "hook up with", as well as when he was having girl problems...one girl was me, and the other was one where, "everything seems great one minute and the next she is avoiding me". It occured to me that I don't know much about his past like that...he knows everything there is to know for the most part with me... He once said that he didn't tell me because he didn't want to remind me that he had been with other people...which he is right about, the things I do know, but it is sketchy information at best, and the mind completes any picture we put into it, so by not knowing so much, my mind finishes it. A great example of this is, to be honest, probably not something he wants me to be open about...so I will talk to him. Sean, you said three...I am having some math issues...whether it is the way you said things, or if you were just lying before we were together, like every other dude in the world, that you were getting laid when you weren't...either way, you said three...before we were together, you said there was Sarah, Robin, and Amanda, which later I learn:not so much Amanda, so, ok, Reilly (spelling) gets that place, which is all well and good except for this mystery "hook up" girl...so, is it just me with fuzzy math? Just curious...because I want to know.

    That was long...tonght on the phone, we had a great conversation...laughing and carrying on and such. I was at Melissa's so she was a decent part of the conversation too...but I got all sketched out again wondering about the things he never says. I just wonder...you know? I tell him everything, why can't he do the same with me? I hate this...I need to be with him...I would never have had time to develop any questions and fears like this...sure, would have come eventually, but not yet. And, look at me go, he asked me what was wrong tonight on the phone...I hesitated...and said nothing. This is not nothing...why can't I just tell him this shit on the phone, to him. I mean, I know he is going to read this...why the middle man of a "blurty"? He just gets so offended when I ask questions he thinks I should already know the answer to. I don't ever mean to hurt him when I ask questions like that, I just want to feel secure and safe, and to know, for sure. I don't know...this is making my head hurt, and my heart hurt worse. If I was in Phoenix, Sean would listen...I could sit up and go, "ok..." Like I always start paragraphs where I mean what I am saying...I sit up to say it...I get restless, I stumble over my words...but we would talk about it, and in the end, I would be satisfied with one answer or another...there would be hugging and cuddling and kissing involved, and a true understanding...I miss that more than anything else...our bond we have. I love him so much. I am going to go, this is long again, and I am tired...long day.

    "Everything's so blurry, and everyone's so fake. Everything is empty, and everything is so messed up. Everybody's changing, there's nothing left that's real. So make up your own ending and let me know just how you feel. Because I am lost without you. I cannot live at all, while the world surrounds you I stumble and I crawl." -Puddle of Mudd
    Monday, May 16th, 2005
    1:17 pm
    Same shit, different day....
    Same old shit, different day...

    Since I can't connect to the internet from home, and I don't want to drive to the coffee shop right now, I am going to just write here and then paste it into my blurty the next time I have a connection.

    I have really not felt like writing much lately. I have not been "inspired" if you will. I really have been pretty down and depressed continually while I have been home. I have been just gritting my teeth and playing the part for everyone, but it is taking so much out of me, I am exhausted at the end of the day, trying to look "happy" or at least content, while being sad and depressed the whole time. There is a lot going on in my life right now that is awfully stressful and I am having a hard time dealing with it.

    First of all, as we all know, I recently got engaged. This is the very least of any worries I may have, but it is life-changing none-the-less. It is a good change, and I am extremely happy about it, but it changed things. I have a whole new outlook on my future now. When I am making decisions or thinking about future plans, I think about not just myself, but Sean as well. Any decision I make I think about what is best for "us" and "him" instead of just myself.

    On top of that, I CANNOT FIND A FUCKING JOB!!!! I have applied or spoken with every fucking person in CDA and there are just no jobs to be had here. I have less than two weeks before I go back to Phoenix, and a week has already passed. I have worked two of those days, not full days, for Connie doing Real Estate stuff. Tomorrow I am working for her again, and hopefully Kathleen Tillman too. She said she is really unorganized and could use my help. But I am not making money, you know? I had just caught up on my bills and started to get ahead before I left Phoenix, and then not only did I get screwed over on my paycheck, but now I literally can't get anyone to hire me. Every place is awfully interested but want me at the beginning of June. Because fucking CDA hibernated through winter and June first seems to be the magic wake-up day.

    Ooooooonnnnnnnn top of that, it is really hard coming back to CDA and seeing the same people I used to call my friends. They are the same people they always were, but I am a different person. I have heard so many comments since I have been back that have literally made me see red, but I have to just brush them off. I am sick of "letting it go" when people say shit to me, try to cause drama, bring up the same old bullshit from high school. I am so much better than this, letting it get to me....but it is like that nagging fly in an enclosed room, bugging the fuck out of you. It means nothing to you, and it is hardly worth your attention, but it just bugs the fuck out of you.

    Sorry, I got distracted and now I am less motivated to continue to write. Sean called me to say goodnight. I love it when he does that. It is the happiest time of my day when my phone rings and I see his name on the caller ID. So happy. And now my Mommy just called me, so I am way distracted. But anyway, depression...

    Sean is depressed too, which is another stressor and is hard for me. He is normally the happy and optomistic one of us. He doesn't let much get to him, which is encouraging and helpful to me. It makes me try harder to see the good in things, but he is so depressed about this too. It is so hard for us to be apart for this long. Before I left, one day apart from each other was insane and we were having withdrawl-like symptoms, but it has been a solid week and there are two weeks to go. I hate this...

    Melissa's graduation is this Friday...I can count down to that, since that is half of the reason I came back up here to stay, and then after that it is only 8 days until I get to see Sean again. I seriously need to be making some money these next two weeks. Whatever it takes, you know? I have been trying...this is fucking with my head, and making me more stressed out than I need to be. Obviously, this is the second time I have talked about it on this one entry...gay.

    School is another stressor for me. I think I have figured out what I am going to do. My dad and I were discussing it these last few days. I am going to "go" to NIC again, by way of internet classes, as much as I can do from Boise and then I will go to Boise when I am out of classes to take through NIC. This will be not only cheaper, but by taking classes online I can take baby steps to get back into school, that way it is not a big bomb dropped on me. I can work it into my schedule and get my good study and sleeping habits back slowly. I really want my degree and I know that if I go back unprepared and only half-assed, then I will not finish. And this is really important to me.

    Another thing, while I am being depressed and complaining about it, is that I have been really emotional recently. After all of my issues in the last year or so, I became really unemotional. I just was numb, and it is like my new way to deal with anything that is thrown at me. But with Sean, there is so much emotion involved it has been like this huge release of all emotion for me. Like I had repressed emotions to such an extreme that now that any emotion is being let out, it is all coming out. Everything is making me choked up, even if I don't actually shed any tears. It is so weird after simply not crying or feeling for so long. I realize now that maybe that was not a good thing, but it was just the way I dealt. Like, just now, I got distracted watching TV and I am watching a thing about twins and their closeness and such and this one set of twins were going to seperate colleges and they were saying goodbye and the one twin got back out of his car after he said goodbye to come back and say he loved his brother...all choked up. I don't know these people, and I get sad for them, but I say goodbye to lifelong friends and family and there is nothing....but recently, leaving Mimi and Papa, the tears were flowing...and after I took Sean to the airport in Boise...I was fine until he walked away to go through Security. I turned around and all I noticed was how quiet it was without him right beside me...and it was an airport, it was not quiet, but it was right by me...so sad. So when I got to the car and there was a deafening silence, I lost it. Ever since then I have been getting emotional. Not in public or being obnoxious, but it is just weird and noticable to myself. I get teary at night before I go to sleep and it is the first thing I do when I wake up alone...that is my worst time of the day...I got it pretty under control today. I woke up at like 8:30 and was intensely sad, so instead od starting my day like that, I decided i would go back to sleep everytime I woke up like that. So I talked to Sean for a little while, then read in my book, trying to distract my mind, but I was just upset, so I closed my eyes and woke up about four more times before I was satisfied with my emotional state. This was at about 1:00 PM... but it was effective.

    I started my new scrapbook at Melissa's yesterday and added two new pages today while watching the Suns/Dallas game. The Suns lost which was disappointing....sad that I have become a fan. But another way to pass the time, keeping my mind off as much other bullshit as I can.

    I am trying to evaluate my life and the way I am living it to see what I can do to be better at being me... I am not at my peak happiness and while it is wonderful with Sean, I cannot let him be my sole reason for living and being happy. I hate that I am still cautious with him, and letting go, but I have learned that that is not safe...if it all falls apart, I have to be able to catch myself. I know that is not going to happen, I have complete confidence, but I can't go through what I did in the past another time. I almost didn't make it throught the last time, and I am skeptical about another chance. Sean is so different though. I have never in my life felt so loved by anyone. Just the way he is with me, the things he does and says to me...Anyway, I am fading, but I just wanted to get some stuff out... thanks for listening, if anyone is...



    Let's play the same old game...I miss playing...and I miss so much of the way things used to be:
    (as usual, you know who you are...if you don't understand, it's not for you. BTW, it's not my fault I think the way I do.)

    "the bitch": Don't drink grape juice while wearing a white shirt and driving to school...very important. Oh yes, and of course, "that can't be safe, that's gonna leave a mark... (roll it down!)" Some things never change.

    Jay: It's people like you who ruin people like me. make me distrust, maybe it is all in my head, but you put it there...out to get me? Or just heartless? And still: Some things never change.

    (I am sure I am just paranoid in my depressed state, but, love me or hate me, this is Sydney)

    J-Rod: I don't love you anymore. And I don't hold the experience as anything more than a bad experience and a waste of my time and tears.

    "the group": There was a reason I left the first time...things aren't what they used to be with me. And coming home, it is proven, the more things change, the more they stay the same. The moree I have changed, the more you all have stayed the same. (drama, drama, drama...)

    ****star: (don't smoke, you are going to die!) Remember that time, long ago, when you looked at me down by the water at city beach, and you said you would love me forever no matter what? We didn't talk for about a year after that, for one reason or another, and here we are, years and years later, and I still love you just as much as I did that day.

    I love how the three of us can get back together after any amount of time apart, and we are still as best friends as we were back then? Still a Sydney sandwich with Melissa bread...you are the only real friends I have from here where I can completely be me with no reservations, and feel so comfortable...I hope that never changes. I really do appreciate my Melissas...and I know you guys know that. Anyway, just thought I'd actually say it. I love you both!

    And finally:

    My baby: "stock master flex" hehe...you said I am forbidden to call you that ever again, but does it count if it is just written, and not spoken? :) oh lordy, in such a short time, we have soooo many awesome inside jokes and "us" things. I love everything about you baby. You complete me. I am so lucky that I have found and am going to marry the perfect guy. My list was you all along. "Ahh!" "Did I scare you?" "No." "Why did you scream?" "I meant to say hi." "What happened?" "I mis-spoke?" (still cracks me up sitting here in my bed thinking about you sitting by me on the couch at Mimi and Papa's watching those episodes. Ceiling fan a buzzing, drying out your poor eyes, screen door open, A/C cranked, popcorn, peanuts, string cheese, frozen peas, :) some of my fondest memories of you are on that very couch... or in my bed there.) So many memories baby... I am so lucky to have you in my life, let alone AS my life. I love you so much. I can't wait to be back together again...I swear I am never letting go again. It should be interesting walking around with a Sydney permanently attached to you everywhere you go. Could make driving more difficult too.

    Well, after revisiting memories of Sean, I am feeling a little better than I was at the start of this entry. Still sad and depressed, he is a thousand miles away still after all, but better none-the-less. We are going to be so happy together. God, I miss him. Ok, this has gotten long. I am going to go...love love love.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Puddle of Mudd
    Tuesday, May 10th, 2005
    5:10 pm
    I am getting married!!!
    Soooooo.....just wanted to write real quick and tell one and all that I am getting married!!! I am sure this is not news anymore, but I am so happy and I pretty much want the whole world to know. So yeah... I am going to be a Donahoe....hehe...that is so exciting to me. Sydney Donahoe....sounds good to me. Anyway, I will be online more again...so email me, call me, talk to me...keep me busy as fuck for the next few weeks as I try to get through each day away from Sean...this is killing me, I hate it, but I will survive and be better for it. Anyway, mom is making dinner and so Melissa and I are going over there....yummo! I love you so much Sean!!!!

    Current Mood: oh, you know...
    Current Music: lol, whatever is on at coffeeville...slightly scary.
    Wednesday, May 4th, 2005
    8:18 pm
    I am going to be moving tomorrow, so I will be away from the internet and all that entails for the next few days...email me!!! Love, Syd
    Saturday, April 30th, 2005
    12:09 pm
    Random Thoughts....
    Random thoughts:

    How do you put a feeling into words? On paper? This is the ultimate difference between a mediocre writer and a great writer.

    I want to be able to see the world like I did when I was 14. Have that creative edge I once possessed, but with an added realistic vantage point.

    This is life as I know it...see it...feel it...dream it...want it...fear it...want it...share it...wish it...

    Hmmmmmm.....trying to get something out, i am just not sure what it is. I am conflicted, feeling a poem coming on, or a brilliant piece of writing :) But I am just not getting there. My creative edge is floundering. I need to be inspired much more than I am. I am growing up and getting boring, and I don't want to do that. Things are not as magical as they once were, I don't see things as being all that spectacular anymore, and I should...I need to get that back.

    Current Mood: content
    Current Music: In loving memory
    Friday, April 29th, 2005
    6:09 pm
    Good Friday afternoon to everyone!!! And how are we all? Fantastic I hope. I am good superbly....listening to bomb music, finishing packing and organizing, showered, lol, thinking a lot...the usual. Read a ton in my book today and I love it...hard to put down. Spent like an hour and a half at the pool, that is always nice. I have been pretty relaxed today for the most part. Ate soup for lunch, haha...that was interesting. Anyway, Seanzie is coming over and we are going to watch Legally Blonde (told you he was perfect, lol)...mom just called...will write more later!!!!!
    Thursday, April 28th, 2005
    10:56 am
    One Month Anniversary....
    Last night Mimi, Papa, Sean, and myself went to Red Lobster for dinner...bomb. I love crab sooooo much...it was nice and messy of course, lol. Poor Sean must think I am the slob of the century. I constantly am dropping food I eat around him. Ok, so to date, I have dropped (some to an unlocatable spot) peas, peanuts, string cheese, lettuce...I think there are more, clearly, hehe, but I simply can't eat without something landing in my lap (or elsewhere as the case may be). Anyway, I think it is funny. Maybe I should try eating at a table with like a plate and silverware, not on the couch or in the car. lol Ohhhhh, cracking myself up. Anyway, but the food was good, then last night Mimi and Sean and I played poker...I WON!!!! Fair and square even though buttface was letting me win. Brat. Anyway, but winning's winning. He was just sleepy and wanted to go to bed, which we did...another great conversation...brief, but great. The whole, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" question...the boy's got plans. And he keepe me so much mroe motivated than I have been...like, maybe my dreams aren't unrealistic. It is just nice because I had fallen into that rut again. Sean's mom is supportive too, she was excited about the things I wanted to do, and didn't think they were too "out there". We will see, of course, but then again, we will see. Anywho, going to go eat something and get out to that pool as soon as possible. We may be going up to Sedona today...Papa mentioned it yesterday, but maybe not...have to make myself look alive though.

    By the way, yesterday was mine and Sean's one month anniversary... cute huh!!! Anyway, love him love him love him....lata!

    Current Mood: I'm up, what more do you want
    Current Music: silence
    Wednesday, April 27th, 2005
    1:32 am
    Maybe you're going to be the one that saves me....
    So, I am not sure where to start...so much to say. I guess I will just start where my mind is. I just read an email to me from another great "supporter"...and I have a question... IS ANYONE GOING TO SUPPORT MY FUCKING DECISION??? I have been getting nothing but guilt trips from so many of my family here and elsewhere. Now I am getting "you shouldnt go"s from one such person. One in fact, that was excited for me to do my own thing and get to where I needed to be with myself. Like fuck people, you think i don't have a lot on my plate with this??? Yes, I know what I am potentially leaving...everyone was fine with this before Sean ended up being perfect. I just can't stay here right now just for him. It is too late to change my mind. Had this happened with us two months ago, then maybe....but even then, there is a lot I am doing there. I don't even know why I am explaining myself, but I am so stressed out of my fucking mind. I can't sleep at night...I get anxious all day at work. I just need to go and get it the fuck over with. I am sick of hearing everyone telling me how I should live my life....so let me tell you my plan, here once. I told you before, but I will say it again, just once though....

    I am moving to Boise, Idaho. I will be in CDA for the weekend of the 13th for Dennis' Presidential. I will be there the following weekend for Melissa's graduation. I will be going to Buhl and Twin the next weekend (for those of you who don't know, that is pretty much Boise) because Casey will be in town and I have to say hey, we might all go camping, depending who is in town. Ok, so that is what I know...here is my plan inside my head....I am hoping with everything I have that Sean will not come to his senses about me, and he will go ahead and come to Boise with me. After the last month or so of him being such a key part of my life, I cannot see myself without him. Every single fucking day he blows me away again (like today...I'll finish the story later...one thought at a time Syd) I want so bad for him to be a part of life there with me... During the summer, Melissa is going to be down in Boise a lot of the time, and Shar and Dan may be making a trip out as well as Dennis. Camping and hiking and exploring with the clan from Boise (Em, Jared Long, Rick, Blake, Kirk). Not to mention back to my clear BLUE skies, stars at night, wide open space, the mountains to get away from all people. This city is too big for me right now. Hayden's games in CDA... weekends at Silverwood...going to Missoula and Oregon, the coast as often as I want to. Just life that is more slow-paced and simple...everything is fast here. (not to mention...Hell is a few degrees cooler than Phoenix)

    So that is MY two cents..maybe six or seven cents, but you get the idea. Back to Sean...

    So today after work I drove out to Six Shooters. Sean plays pool there on Tuesday nights in a tourney that lasts for 14 weeks, then after that there are playoffs and winners...that is the jyst I think....from what Benny was trying to explain to me...anyway, Sean had my phone so I wanted to go out there and that was enough to get me to go to the bar...once I got there, it was so much fun. Sean is just amazing, as usual. I loved watching the way he held his body and gets all lined up...and the difference between when he hits it hard and a soft tap...and the way he looks so fucused and contemplative before a shot. He and his dad won their games, and only Scott on the team lost, so of the five of them, only one loss...apparently good, lol. Again, I am not a pool enthusiest yet, so I sound retarded explaining something I don't quite understand...case of the blind leading the blind here, but I am trying. Anyway, so it was fun to see Seth and Scott again and meet Jon, this little Asian guy who is 5 foot nothing, sandals and all...anyway, so after that, Seth and Jon and Benny decide they want to go play basketball at the park. Sean said he needed to sleep, so he wouldn't go, but the more they talked and encouraged, the more they convinced me that it was a good idea to go for a little while. So I talked Sean into it (not like it is hard...lol, basically just said it would be fun and he said ok) So we get there and here I am, just recently having come to terms with, and accepted that I was dating a more "nerd-type" guy. You know: smart, sophisticated, serious-ish....lol....nerdy....and we get out of the car and there was just this flat ball there, waiting for the other three to show up. So we are shooting around a little bit...nothing too impressive, blah blah blah. So they get there and all of a sudden I witness this miraculous transformation....MY boyfriend, (you know, the chess-playing, extremely intelligent nerd) turns into Mr. NBA....literally made me stand there with my mouth hanging open for a few...and speechless for hours, lol. I was literally blown away. I am not trying to make this sound bigger and better than it was....but I mean, the guy's got game...all over the court, Hayden styling it....dribbling between his legs, jump shots galore, making "nothin but net" three pointers. Cracked me the fuck up...still does rethinking it. That's MY baby! Benny was like "we should play volleyball" (there is a net at the park) and I look at Sean and I'm like, "Do you play volleyball too Sean?" all like laughing and he's like, "yeah" So modest....he is fucking amazing! Like, right before we left Six Shooters tonight I brought up with him that his mom said he juggled, and I'm like, "is that true?" ...he says he can and he can show me right now, and he walks over to the freaking pool table, grabs three balls, and juggles! lol. By the end of the night and I am looking at him like, WHO ARE YOU???? lol It is just funny to me. He is never the one sharing. i tell him everything under the sun and he is just quiet or tells like a story, not a way of life, or a past...and here I go and find out all this stuff in one day...I try to prod daily, but apparently he is full of surprises, lol. I need to find a better way to ask though. Saying, "tell me something about you" or "what are you thinking" does nothing for getting information out of him....so I will try alternate methods. I am even more excited though about him than I was yesterday, and he was oerfect yesterday....we can play stuff outside...he outdoes me in every way. He is smarter than me, he is better at sports, he is probably funnier....but I love him to death!!! It is so nice to be the underdog in a relationship...new for me. But he still treats me like I am a princess and so much better than the average person....I appreciate him so much. And I love him more than he knows. God Sydney, don't fuck this up. Most good opportunities that are dumped in my lap, I manage to fuck up one way or another, not this one. Come hell or high water, I am going to try so fucking hard for this. (I love you Sean)

    What is it going to take?

    "Rain, rain, go away, come again another day...all the world is waiting for the sun."

    Current Mood: anxious
    Current Music: Bless the Broken Road: Rascall Flatts
    Monday, April 25th, 2005
    7:07 pm
    Sean...
    So, it really has been forever...and there is much to report. I have just been so insanely busy. I am going to write more here. I have been writing in my blog on MSN more so Sean could read it, then I realized I could just give him this webpage address and I can write what I really feel, instead of keeping in mind that I should slightly censor myself for everyone on the MSN on,e which we all know I love to do so much.

    Anyway, so I spent the weekend with Sean and his family. (he, by the way, is on the way over now.. :)) God, he is amazing...one of those cliche movie-type relationships...friends get together for some off chance reasoning and then fall in love and live happily ever after. I am not saying we will live happily every after, I am not there yet, but I can seriously, without much strenuous thought, imagine us being together long-term. Like forever. The whole time I have been here, and before that, I have not been the settle-down type of girl. Even in my past relationships, the grass was always greener on the other side, that I sat and looked at longingly. But with Sean, I am like "shout it from the rooftops" happy and so proud to be with him. He is so perfect for me, he understand me, he is laid-back, (he is amazing at poker, lol), he gets the fifth and sixth meanings in the things I say, not taking what I say literally, what it is, he takes it for what I said under everything else. I could go on and on about how wonderful he is, it just blows me away every day. During the day when I am at work, or he is, I miss him so much.

    (now is the point where everyone makes the realization...just like I do every day...that I am moving to Boise in less than two weeks)

    I AM moving to Boise. Sean is going to drive up there with me and stay for the weekend and then fly home on Sunday....god, I hated the Boise airport BEFORE....imagine after I say goodbye to him now....don't even want to think about it.

    When we first got together, I just ignored it, not thinking I would fall for him like this. I was prepared to leave and I was holding back on purpose because I knew I was going...but I done fell....so then I was up against the wall with nothing else. I had no idea what to do. I told him I would never ask him to go with me, to which he said he'd never ask me to stay...(last night, he did let me know that he does wish my life was here...made me sick to my stomach....so do I, you know? I don't want to leave. I like it here...but I have to leave, you know?) So at first I just left well enough alone. But now I really love him. I DO want him to come...but there is this nagging feeling inside of me that says, look, Syd, you already did this...moved to Boise from home...no friends, no family, nothing but "someone", and now you live in Scottsdale, AZ, so what does that tell you? I think about his family, who is awesome, by the way, and his pool league he loves so much, which in its self is quality time with dad...his friends, he has a good job here. The only reason for him to go would be me, and I'm sorry, but I just don't think I am worth it. I think I would continue to love him like I do, and things would be awesome, but there's that whole "what if" that nags and nags, and keeps me up at night. I hate it...but I also understand it. He always tells me not to say things like "you don't have to go" because it scares him, makes him think I dont want him to go...which is the furthest thing from the truth. I want it so bad...but again, me being selfish is not in his best interest. Idaho will have nothing to offer him...he'll go places in life. Boise is great, but not influential by any means. I don't want top regret this trip here, or anything that goes along with it, but I am so scared that if I go, and I put Sean on that plane on the 8th, I will never see him again. Scares the shit out of me...I want to enjoy my time with him and be happy, since I am, he makes me so happy, but there is a fine line there. I can't explain it to him, because I barely understand it myself, but I am not afraid to keep trying.

    So here I sit, out on the back patio...it is sunset...gorgeous. Sean on his way over here. He is spending the night again...after which I will miss him so much. And Tuesday is pool night, so I will probably not see him. I just don't know, this is all so complicated... And then on top of that, I am getting guilt trip galore from Mimi and Papa, begging me to stay. I can always come back...Melissa will be there with me for part of the summer, as well as the school year, and I miss her so much. Being closer to CDA I will be able to see games and stuff all summer, just see the kids, but I could always come back here... I need to visit for lots of reasons anyway, but I could probably live here too...just not yet. I do not plan to call Boise my home forever, but it just needs to be temporarily.

    Fuck, every time I satisfy myself with the idea that my decision is a good one, I re-think it and start to panic...I love it here. I am IN love here, there are opportunities here...but family and friend(s) aren't here. This should never have gotten this comlicated...not where I am considering not going. My family needs me closer...I have my whole life to live elsewhere...but only one chance to watch my siblings grow up.

    Sean just got here and he said, "Yesterday was probably the best day of my life. And I felt it all day. I just love you so much more everyday..." What does this guy do to me? Fuck... I love him so much...I am going to go as so not to neglect him. God, Sean, I love you so fucking much.

    Current Mood: contemplative
    Current Music: Capricorn By: 30 Seconds to Mars
    Thursday, April 14th, 2005
    4:15 pm
    Cloths of Heaven

    William Butler Yeats

    Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
    Enwrought with golden and silver light,
    The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
    Of night and light and the half-light,
    I would spread the cloths under your feet:
    But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
    I have spread my dreams under your feet;
    Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

    Current Mood: sick
    Current Music: MTV
    Tuesday, April 5th, 2005
    12:21 am
    Movie Day!
    So I had a date tonight! lol Sean took me to see "The Upside of Anger." Which was a very good movie for two us to see together....as much as we talk about, and deep and involved we get, it will be awesome to discuss what I thought was a very awesome movie. Arguably one of the best of the year, without a doubt. Not only was the plot and acting good, the cinematography was amazing, and it was one of those movies with several ideas and subliminal messages throughtout the movie...it was really great. Anyway, he also burned me a bunch of CDs... (he is just wonderful) I also got a rose...he is so great. I just love having a friend who is so intelligent and understands my achademic jokes... Anyway, I am going to go, i really should be sleeping anyway because I work tomorrow morning, but I am going to read some before bed. Sean brought me "Deception Point", another one by Dan Brown...(for those of you illiterate folk, he is the author of "The DaVinci Code" and "Angels and Deamons")...and as usual, he grabs the reader right in, so I just can't get enough... so nightie night, and I will be back with more news shortly! (I hope...) :)

    Love to all!!! I am praying for you.....

    Peace.

    Current Mood: just your basic happy...
    Current Music: "You're a God"
    Thursday, March 31st, 2005
    10:07 pm
    I love my job!
    So, love the job, it is LONG daily, but very enjoyable.

    Ok, Dharma and Greg is still just as funny as it was years ago when it first started, lol. I haven't watched it in like 3 years, but I have been trying to write this blurty fir twenty minutes and I keep getting distracted, so I obviously like it....hehe.

    Anyway, as far as news goes, I am talking to Jared Long again, for those of you out of the old loop, that is "my" (lol) Jared's business colleague and friend from Portland who he came to Boise with. Now, this is interesting because my Jared has decided we are not going to be friends, and about a month and a half ago decided to cut off all contact with me, including asking me to "remove me from your list" in email, and he blocked me from his Messenger list so I can't see when he is online. Now, I think I am supposed to feel hurt or something, maybe even feel as though it is an unfortunate situation, however, the older I get, and the more I experience, the more I believe in fate and pre-destination. For example: Jared. If I never met Jared, I never would have left CDA, I would be a real estate agent there, probably still living with Gus, I would never have moved to Boise, thereby never meeting Jared Long, Emery, Rick, Blake, Kirk, and the other awesome people I met there. I never would have worked at Sterner and Klein, and found my natural love and talent for telemarketing. I never would have moved to Arizona, which has become the best experience of my life. But had I never moved here I may never have been disgnosed with being bipolar, and been able to deal with it, I never would have started to understand myself, and found out what I really want and need in my life. Had I never moved here, I never would have worked at Circulation Technitions, therefore never met Justin, who has become my best friend, Justin Carter, Zach, Benny and Johnny, I never would have met Sean, who has been the source of some of my most deep and favorite conversations of my time here, I wouldn't have met Ian...hmmm, or Marquis...so I never would have been as interested in the drums (I listen to different music just to hear the drums now) as I am now, or art. And now I wouldn't have gotten the job I have, which means the extensive training regarding student loan consolidation, which will do nothing but help me and those I know in the future....including presenting me with more friends. Rafael: a driven Mexican, 28 year old father of four, very intelligent...very nice. Sergio: Minor league Mexican Baseball player....just recently got a full-ride scholarship for Mesa Community College. Then my two white colleagues: Jon and Cristal...(both who should be gone before training is completed, sadly, not very quick) And everyone else, who is black. This is normally not reportable, but before the training classes were combined, I was the only white person in my class. I have made lots of friends: Lakesha, Jason ("Treble"), "Sean P.", Terrance, Jeff, Julio, and quite a few more. Those are the ones who stand out in my mind because they are all so different and have so much to offer...however, I have also had my first circumstance of racial discrimination toward me, for being white, and a minority, so an outcast. I have been accepted, but I am different than them. They are calling me their "light-skinned sista". It is not effecting me like I would have thought. It is sort of strangely exciting...new. But again, I never would have had any of these experiences if I had never met Jared...isn't it amazing how positive I have become, lol. I know, Sydney?!?!?! But it is true!

    Anyway, Dharma and Greg is over....

    Oh yeah, I have other news! I have been focusing on different aspects of me I want to better, and I have taken one thing at a time, and gone slowly fixing and altering things about myself for the better, well, I decided there was really something missing, like when things start to go bad for me, there is not much for me to fall back on, when just being positive doesn't work. So I realized I really want to work on my faith and spirituality. I am not sure how that will be defined, but I am going to go to church on Sunday, regularly. Not that that will change anything, but it is a start. I am trying really hard to have something to fall back on, something to believe in, and why not start where most people begin? Sounds like a challenge for myself, and perhaps a very beneficial one for me. I just finished reading "The Five People You Meet in Heaven." By: Mitch Albom...if you have a chance, I would suggest to everyone that they read this book. I know it sounds both corny as well as unlikely, but if I have ever read a book that I could say "changed my life" this is that book. It just made me see things differently. Through another set of eyes. The book is so short. You could read it in an afternoon on the patio, but it seriously changed a lot of things about my mentality and the way I see people and life. Anyway, so read it basically. I can't gurantee that it will effect you like it did me, but it is one of those books i think everyone should read, just because. Anyway, going to go...Fear Factor is on, then it is bed time. It is Bus. Casual day tomorrow!!! Yay, get to dress down....

    Current Mood: ecstatic
    Current Music: Dharma and Greg
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